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Original poster

dating down

70 replies

whitesugar · 24/04/2013 15:12

I am dating really nice guy after being single for 7 years. He is really nice, fancy him something rotten, great sense of humour, very kind, fixes stuff In house & total gentleman. We come from different backgrounds. I got a good education and have good job although finances tight. He has literacy problems & was basically ignored at school. He always worked & supported his family.He is divorced and his adult DCs adore him. He isn't interested in current affairs, uses poor grammar, uses what I consider derogatory terms when referring to people from other countries. I try to ignore these things cos he is a very popular & decent guy. My DC s & friends all like him. We live in countryside where liberal attitudes do not prevail, he is from here and I was reared in a city. I He has just been laid off & at 48 could find it difficult to get another job. I was left penniless by EXH who has never paid maintenance for our teenage DC s. I am concerned that the differences between us will become an issue when stress of unemployment take a toll. I would be interested in your views on whether or not you think we could have a future. Thanks very much.

OP posts:
madonnawhore · 24/04/2013 15:27

I don't know about the rest of it, but using derogatory language about people from other countries would be a deal breaker for me.

I don't care if it's a quaint little colloquial country quirk that he's never questioned. It would belie a fundamental difference in values that I wouldn't be able to get past.

LippiPongstocking · 24/04/2013 15:28

Do you like him? How long have you been together?

LippiPongstocking · 24/04/2013 15:29

Also, "dating down" suggests you think he's beneath you - that's a level of contempt that suggests you don't think you'll last.

Kaluki · 24/04/2013 15:32

Dating down?
What a horrible phrase!
You won't have a future if that is your attitude!

SucksToBeMe · 24/04/2013 15:33

He is entitled to his own opinion I suppose. He does sound like a really nice guy! Maybe you will help to broaden his view?

AnyFucker · 24/04/2013 15:35

I think perhaps you should start with scrutinising your own attitude, before judging others

CogitoErgoSometimes · 24/04/2013 15:39

So you're saying he's a thick, unemployed racist... but nice with it? Hmm The racism would put me off I'm afraid. Don't accept that everyone in the countryside is a bigot and, even if they were, he should have more strength of character than to go along with the herd. I think the differences between you are already an issue and you're conscious that you've lowered your standards...

Original poster
whitesugar · 24/04/2013 15:42

LOL about the term dating down, I searched internet for relationships with people from different backgrounds & this term seemed to be used a lot so I thought if I used it people would know what this thread was about. I have been seeing him for 9 months.

OP posts:
Original poster
whitesugar · 24/04/2013 15:46

I really like him & we get on very well. I suppose I am just a bit uncertain because he is the only guy I have met in ages that I do like.

OP posts:
caramelwaffle · 24/04/2013 16:01

'When poverty walks in the door, love flies out the window'

"I am concerned that the differences between us will become an issue when stress of unemployment take a toll"

You are right to be concerned: as cogito summerised, you are saying he is a thick, unemployed racist; he'll be a cantankerous old sod as well when he is perpetually hungry, and cold from no heating.

LippiPongstocking · 24/04/2013 16:04

No, dating down specifically means you think there's something to be looked down upon, or that one partner is "better" than the other, it's an horrific phrase.

You can't keep seeing someone "just in case" you don't meet someone else. It's not fair to them.

Original poster
whitesugar · 24/04/2013 16:06

Sucks, thanks for comment. He is really nice. Despite the language he uses he does not discriminate against other races & is civil to everyone. We live in an area which is predominantly white & christian & even teachers in my DC secondary school use the term than Dp uses. I just can't believe that in this day & age anyone would use the word half caste but it is common where we live.

OP posts:
Plathism · 24/04/2013 16:12

Despite your worrying thread title you do sound like you really like him in your OP.

You must have lots of disagreements though, if you think very differently on lots of issues. I think how he reacts to these would be very telling about what kind of person he is. Is he open to new ideas? Have you changed his mind on any issues? If he's intelligent and open-minded then I don't think your different backgrounds would matter.

Btw my DH is mixed race and uses the word half-caste - nothing to do with his background or educational level (he has a PhD!). He just didn't know it's considered offensive by many.

Original poster
whitesugar · 24/04/2013 16:15

Camel, I don't have to worry about the lack of heating, I pay my own bills & he is a pretty tough guy who doesn't feel the cold!

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 24/04/2013 16:18

"even teachers in my DC secondary school use the term than Dp uses."

You know that two wrongs don't make a right?

Plathism · 24/04/2013 16:20

Fwiw, I dated a guy for 3 years from a very different background to me. It ultimately didn't work because we have very different values. The three things that bothered me most were

  1. He said if he found £200 on the ground he would keep it for himself (I said what if it was an old person's much needed pension, he was all 'every man for himself')
  1. He would get annoyed when he heard people speaking other languages in the street/on the bus etc.
  1. Him and his dad used to take the piss out of my accent which according to them 'sounds like I have a plum stuck in my throat'. DICKS.
Original poster
whitesugar · 24/04/2013 16:23

Plathism, we rarely argue, he is extremely good natured. I can honestly say this because my life with EH was constant arguing. He is very open to new things & he knows more than I will ever know about fixing broken things, nature and being kind. Thanks for clarifying the term for me, I didn't realise.

OP posts:
Plathism · 24/04/2013 16:28

So apart from using the term half caste what else does he say or do that you consider offensive?

Original poster
whitesugar · 24/04/2013 16:55

That's the only term he uses. He has no problems with immigrants in our area & is not homophobic. I have heard worse from members of my own family. From reading other mums comments I realise my feelings for him are pretty strong & will not run in the opposite direction!

OP posts:
Original poster
whitesugar · 24/04/2013 17:00

Platinum all the other issues were about his grammar & lack of knowledge about current affairs but these issues pale into insignificance compared to issues in a lot of mums relationships like violence, selfishness & incompatability.

OP posts:
Plathism · 24/04/2013 17:17

If you are looking down on him because of his grammar and lack of interest in the news then no, I don't think you will last. How will those things affect his reactions to the stress of unemployment?

ClippedPhoenix · 24/04/2013 17:45

Right, so firstly you come on asking if will work because of so and so and now you're saying how much you like him and defending him to the hilt?

I personally think you feel you are better than him and no, it won't work because you will start to belittle him.

Lavenderhoney · 24/04/2013 17:48

The problem seems to be, if you have already discussed with him racial terms and he agrees and uses a term you are comfortable with, a concern that he will be unemployed. Are you working?

I assume you live together as you say " we" in your post. Do you think you will be the one earning and him lounging at home? Has he done anything to get work? Any work?

If he is a nice man, gets on with your family and friends, is open to change about using derogatory terms( if everyone always had around him and he hasn't travelled or worked outside this environment, he will think its ok) and you love him and he you, then can't you discuss it with him? I'm sure if he's as nice as you think, he will already be worrying himself.

I don't like the term " down dating" either. You don't use that round him do you?

Andcake · 24/04/2013 18:15

Apart from any racism which would be a no-no for me I would just see how things pan out. Unless you are desperate to have more dc - not all relationships need to be about a big 'future' and some start off as something simple and turn into the love of your life.
You also don't know how he'll react to money worries- so take each day as it comes and end it if things go bad. Or he might end it because he ones not like your different backgrounds. But you seem to like him so just see how long that lasts. Don't make it bad before it is.

Frostybean · 24/04/2013 18:28

Speaking from experience, I would say that as time goes by, the differences you mention and those you havent encountered yet will cause difficulties. How does he feel about lifelong learning and technology for instance? Do you feel comfortable with his family and the way he lives/his lifestyle? How does he regard money (to be spent managed or saved?) Will his background and behaviour affect your working relationships? Do you have hobbies in common? If he is intelligent but lacking in education, you could open up a whole new world for him. If the chemistry is strong though and he is kind then you can overcome these problems. Do your family and friends approve of your relationship or have they said nothing?