dating down

[whitesugar]

I am dating really nice guy after being single for 7 years. He is really nice, fancy him something rotten, great sense of humour, very kind, fixes stuff In house & total gentleman. We come from different backgrounds. I got a good education and have good job although finances tight. He has literacy problems & was basically ignored at school. He always worked & supported his family.He is divorced and his adult DCs adore him. He isn't interested in current affairs, uses poor grammar, uses what I consider derogatory terms when referring to people from other countries. I try to ignore these things cos he is a very popular & decent guy. My DC s & friends all like him. We live in countryside where liberal attitudes do not prevail, he is from here and I was reared in a city. I He has just been laid off & at 48 could find it difficult to get another job. I was left penniless by EXH who has never paid maintenance for our teenage DC s. I am concerned that the differences between us will become an issue when stress of unemployment take a toll. I would be interested in your views on whether or not you think we could have a future. Thanks very much.

I work full time and earn a decent wage. We dont live together because I dont want to move in with someone until my teenagers have left home. I left my XH 14 years ago after the DC were born and realised he was a control freak. My DP is perfectly happy living nearby and has no desire to live with me and my DC. The single last thing I want is more DC. He is 48 and has 3 loving adult DC and 2 grandchildren. He has just been laid off for the first time in his working life and has already been working since doing odd jobs for friends and family. He has always provided for his family. I am in a caring relationship with someone who to all intents and purposes is not what I ever would have thought was the man for me. Posting on mn has been an eye opener for me because hearing all your comments has made me think outside the box. I know only too well that listening to my own thoughts going over and over in my head is not exactly productive.

Andcake, thanks for reminding me to take it one day at a time! If dadsnet existed he might be online now saying I am a snobby cow and he hates my stinking guts. Thanks again to everyone for posting.

Frosty I hear what you are saying and this is exactly why I posted because I wanted to hear from women with experience of this situation. When you say the differences I have encountered and have yet to experience are precisely what I am concerned about. He is 100% fine with technology. He is a saver and hard worker but lost absolutely everything in his divorce because his XW was so on the ball and he wasn't. A lot of this was because he is dyslexic and had no real support through the process. Shameful as it is to say his family is not as well educated as mine but they are making their way in society. We both love getting out and about walking and going for drives. My friends and DC love him. Some of my closest friends were reared with him and speak highly of him and his family. He has met my DC but my parents and siblings live about 150 miles away and I havent brought him to meet them. He will be the first person I have introduced to them since I separated 14 years ago. My family watched me go through hell with my XH and are very protective of me and my DC. I missed a lot of warning signs with my XH and dont trust my instincts enough to be totally sure. I am afraid that they will be judgemental as a result of the mess I made and think there she goes again!

Goodluck whitesugar.
I'm so happy that you've met someone who makes you happy and takes care of you. Just take it a day at a time. i think when you've had to be strong for so long, it's easy to worry and to try to anticipate and head off problems. Unless there are major warning signs, give your relationship a chance.

Hi sugar I am glad you have found somebody kind to spend time with. I relate to your post as my DP is from a hugely different background to me.

I think you have to look at the basics and work it through over the months to come:
Does he make you happy? Do you make him happy?
Does he get on with your family? Do his family accept you?
How does he get on with your friends? Do you like his friends?
Can you talk about money to him easily? Is he relaxed about your differences? Are you proud to be seen with him? and so on...

If all that is okay then he is the man for you!

It sounds as if you have both been wounded by past relationships and are therefore both happy to take it slowly. If he is sensible with money and a responsible parent then this bodes well. The lack of financial awareness and dyslexia will only be a problem if he fails to understand that he needs help in these areas as it will make him vulnerable to costly mistakes. Will his pride allow him to do this? Aside from any judgements your family may make, you have to think about the impact your involvement with him will have on you and your children. Will his financial position put added strain on you for instance in having to pay for joint activities such as day trips, shows, holidays etc? will he refuse to allow you to pay for these? Will you come to resent him for stifling your cultural horizons? I would try to arrange a holiday and see how he reacts. Even if its just a week in Cornwall, youll have a pretty good idea of how you mesh in terms of what you like to do, eat, see, buy etc. In my personal experience, dynamics like this can work as long as the man doesnt want a mother figure and brings a fair number of skills, attributes and resources (other than money) to the relationship so that you have a balance.

Lucky and Lemon I am really touched that you said you are happy for me, I am moved that two people I never met expressed such kind words. Frosty I have met some mummy boys & find them repulsive. We are going on hols to SPain for week in Aug, first holiday with man & no kids in bout 15 years, can't wait. Messages really helped & best advice from mums is see how it goes & if not what I need bail out! As my kids say - YOLO - you only live once! Thanks a million for replying x

Good luck and best wishes whitesugar your dp sounds like he thinks the world of you and is kind, thoughtful and loving. That is worth fighting for even if there are differences.

I just feel so stupid posting again. My last post was that I have been in a relationship with a guy for 9 months, not living together, both 48 and it seemed to be going so well apart from diffs related to background. Last time I posted I said that things were going so well but that I was worried that our backgrounds might complicate things especially because he had just been laid off. Well ... he signed on today and took it really really badly and went on the piss at lunchtime. He kept drinking all day and rang me throughout the evening being more incoherent as the evening wore on. At about 10pm a friend of mine rang me from our local to say that my DP was totally pissed and was trying to start a fight in the pub. I went down and he was pissed out of his head and kept saying it was over that I wouldn't want him anymore because he was unemployed and at 48 wouldn't work again. I tried to console him but he got more and more agitated and even though he was completely pissed he ordered and got another pint despite me telling the barman he was really drunk. I took the pint away and he freaked. Honestly I didn't do it lightly he was about to start a fight.

Then he ordered another pint and at this stage my friend who is a guy said don't let him have any more, so I took his wallet and left the pub. I thought he would see sense but he followed me home and I went into our local newsagent and he pushed me up against the newspaper racks and said give me back my wallet over and over again. I told him to get away from me and he grabbed hold of me and kept saying give me my wallet. At this point the staff began to look really concerned and as he kept cornerning me saying give me my wallet I told them to ring the police cos I was scared. After a couple of seconds I threw the wallet down the aisle and told him to fuck off and left. He was livid and I went home and told the staff to cancel the police. He probably went back to the pub.

I am home now and totally gobsmacked that this happened. Honestly there was no sign that he could have been aggressive. I have been around the block and thought I could recognise aggression in a man as I was subjected to serious violence in my marriage which ended 16 years ago. I haven't dated much since I left my EXH bar one 2 year relationship which never involved aggression. My immediate reaction is to run as far as I can in the opposite direction. Is there any chance that this could be rectified? I know his grown up kids who love him, I know his friends who really respect him and just hoping against hope that the reality of unemployment which I knew was going to affect him really badly just derailed him. Was it a shit move to take his wallet in the hope that he wouldnt drink anymore? I am totally confused but the major part of me is feeling that I should walk as far away from him as is possible because after what happened to me before I am fucked if I am even going to be threatened by a man again. I would very much appreciate your thoughts.

Sorry to hear that it has turned nasty. You
sound understandably shocked.

My advice? Walk away. You are worth more than this

Thanks Caramel I am totally shocked and know you are right. After what happened to me in my marriage I have always said that if my DD (aged 16 now) ever came to me and told me a similar story I would advise her to walk a million miles in the opposite direction. See if she didn't I would make sure he wouldn't be able walk again. Is it possible that there is a man out there who hasn't raised a hand to a woman in anger?

Definitely walk away. Many years ago I had a similar situation with an ex - he had been down the pub all day while I was doing an exam crucial to my career (essentially he was jealous) Friends called me to get him because he was out of control. I tried to take his wallet off him to stop him buying more alcohol in the supermarket on the way home and he pushed me up against the side of the aisle and started shouting at me...I forgave him, because he somehow made me feel like it was my fault for talking his wallet and he was nice as pie when he was sober...the pattern of abuse continued for another 2.5 years before I finally stopped making excuses for him and saw sense. Mad at myself for wasting those precious years of my life now.

ESther, very same situation. My mind is made up. It's over. I appreciate your reply, thanks very much

It's possible this is a one-off. Trying to talk or reason with someone who is completely pissed is pointless so I don't think you should have gone down there at all.

He had a terrible day - after working for so many years and suddenly feeling that you are useless/on the scrapheap/your much loved partner might leave you might make anyone feel insecure and react badly.

I am NOT excusing his behaviour (and of course you should leave him if you don't want to be with someone who reacts like that) just offering a possible explanation.

IMO it depends very much on how he manages to recover (and make up for his behaviour). I would listen very closely if I were you to how everyone around him reacts - if there's any possibility that he has done this before then I think you have a pattern of behaviour that gives you enough cause for concern to end it.

This is a window to how he reacts to difficult times.
It was not unexpected news.
He got hammered because he felt sorry for himself, instead of dusting himself off and move on.
He was not even a sad drunk, he was an angry confrontational drunk.

You are doing the right think by walking away.

It is possible I suppose. I have known him for 9 months & close friends were reared with him & say he is a really nice person. He certainly seemed to be. I shouldn't have gone down to the pub but thought he would leave with me. This is the first time he has been unemployed & it has hit him very hard. To be honest even tho it might have been a one off I won't take him back. My EXH was extremely violent. I stayed single for years and this was the first person I trusted. I don't ever want to modify my behaviour just in case he kicks off again. Thanks for your point of view.If my past experience had been different I probably would see it as a one off caused by a stressful event.

I think it's completely possible that it's a one off but I would still walk away if I were you. Like Lueji says, if that's how he reacts to bad but not unexpected events then it's a very bad sign. You don't need to stay with a man who clearly has this potential for violence and aggression. I'm sorry this happened whitesugar, I hope you're okay. FWIW yes there are many many men out there who have never and would never raise a hand to a woman in anger. You have just been unlucky and it's not your fault in any way.

Plat I am ok thanks. Disappointed because it was really nice to be with someone after being single for so long. It was lovely being taken out & having someone looking out for me. It was a real break not to have to take responsibility for everything like the house, car,everything. We were supposed to be going to a wedding next weekend with close friends of both of us. We also have holiday booked to SPain that I was so looking forward to. I have to admit that I am gutted really. Still got to be realistic, there were differences between us that I was worried about. Funnily enough you asked me whether the differences would impact on how he would deal with stress of unemployment - I know the answer to that now. I think I was fooling myself, I just really wanted it to work. I am not thrilled to be single again. I would love to be with someone who I love and who loves me, that is what I want deep down. Gonna have to get a grip and get back to enjoying my life as a single woman again!

So sorry to hear this whitesugar but I think you should end it. As others have said, you have now seen how he deals with stressful times in his life and if you stay with him you will always be wondering when he will next kick off and it will make you tip-toe around him in fear. He obviously has a problem with alcohol and agression and I don't think you should be involved with a man with those issues. There are lovely men out there, so don't give up hope.

The derogatory comments are horrid but some people have been brought up with them all their lives and don't really understand or think its a problem, they think its normal. If he really meant them, then it would be an issue.

What's more concerning is you do seem to feel and sound as though you think you are better than him, educationally, financially, more Intelligent etc. Maybe you should look for a sugar daddy or someone more if your station.. You may find he's an arse tho

I think there's a difference between someone who doesn't know stuff because they've not had the opportunities in life, and someone who just doesn't care. I could live with the former but not the latter.

Having said that, I think there are fundamental incompatibilities in outlook that are nigh on impossible to get over. I did go out with a guy once who was nice in every way but he was a Tory. It lasted three weeks.

Oops, missed the update. Apologies. Yes I agree, that sort of reaction to life throwing its usual shit at you is not a good thing.

Thanks Frosty, you are dead right. I tip toed around my XH for years & honestly couldn't do it again. I won't be rushing out to meet someone else but it's reassuring to hear there are some good men out there. I have packed up some stuff he had lying around my house. Haven't contacted him & won't. He hasn't contacted me. If he wants stuff he can come & get it because I am not putting myself out for him. I know what I need to do I just feel stupid that my judgement was so bad. I should have listened to my instincts but was having a great time & didn't focus on things that niggled me. For the record I now know the answer to my OP - think very carefully and go very slowly when dating someone from any background. Just wish I had done that myself!

Soupe, you did really well to last 3 weeks given the circumstances!

Well I 'dated down' and have never been happier. I am with a man who shares my values and attitudes, makes me laugh, is honest and fun and loves me despite my fancy Waitrose ways, and that is much more important than sharing my grasp of the apostrophe most of the time.

You are really lucky Purple! You sound like you are having a blast, great to hear!