dating down

[whitesugar]

I am dating really nice guy after being single for 7 years. He is really nice, fancy him something rotten, great sense of humour, very kind, fixes stuff In house & total gentleman. We come from different backgrounds. I got a good education and have good job although finances tight. He has literacy problems & was basically ignored at school. He always worked & supported his family.He is divorced and his adult DCs adore him. He isn't interested in current affairs, uses poor grammar, uses what I consider derogatory terms when referring to people from other countries. I try to ignore these things cos he is a very popular & decent guy. My DC s & friends all like him. We live in countryside where liberal attitudes do not prevail, he is from here and I was reared in a city. I He has just been laid off & at 48 could find it difficult to get another job. I was left penniless by EXH who has never paid maintenance for our teenage DC s. I am concerned that the differences between us will become an issue when stress of unemployment take a toll. I would be interested in your views on whether or not you think we could have a future. Thanks very much.

As I am writing this I am full of shame and deeply sorry I did not take the advice from many of you to my OP. You all said LTB which I didn't do. Yesterday this bastard hit my 14 year old son. I swear he was never once violent to me, lots of my friends were reared with him & spoke very highly of him & his family. He came across as really kind & my DC liked him. My DS extremely upset last night but got some sleep & we chatted all day today. My DC (14 & 16) could not believe he could do this. They will never ever see that bastard again.

I left my EXH 14 years ago because of DV. Was pregnant with DS when I left & had 18 month old DD. They saw their father because social services told me I could not object as DC had legal right to see their father. All fine until they became teenagers & EXH assaulted both of them. Police & SS involved. DC don't want to go to their father & I am working very hard keeping them positive & reassured. No violence ever in my home. Then this happened yesterday.

I want to call police but am terrified SS will take children. Please believe me when I say SS believe EXH when he gives them spiel about how sorry he is & how depressed he is. He told them he has had concerns about my parenting for years. He never paid one penny towards them & is an absolute narc. They all think he is so nice & when I tried to put them right they turned against me. Last case meeting was delayed as I sought legal advice. Solicitor great & will come to meetings in future. She knows exactly what EXH is like. Child protection is her expertise & she told me she would get them off my back. She knows all individuals from SS involved.

If I report this SS & probably everyone else in the world will think I put my DC in danger again & SS could take them away. My family are miles away I am the only stable parent they have. Explained all this to DC who are being amazing. I want to report it because it's the right thing to do & want to show them no one can hurt them without consequences but I am truly terrified. I would appreciate any advice, thank you for reading.

Please disregard OP title, I looked it up at the time & it seemed to be an expression people used. I deeply regret not taking the advice I got from everyone.

Hello Whitesugar I remember your original post and how hurt you were when your dp turned on you when he got drunk after his redundancy. I have no personal experience of DV so cant offer any direct advice but just wanted to offer support until the 'women who know' come along. Its a horrible thing to have happened and you must be shaken to the core. Just remember, its not your fault that he's like that. Hope your son is ok.

Thank you so much for posting FB. I haven't told anyone in RL yet so getting your reply makes it real. I fully expected to be told that my judgement is crap & I am responsible for what happened because actually I am. My son is much better today. Thanks again for your kind thoughts which have made me cry but tears of relief that you didn't say I deserved it and that you took the time to send such kind words.

Social care won't take your kids. They won't get longer term involved if you get rid of the abuser. Perhaps your gut was telling you something you couldn't decipher when you first started this thread? Hope you're ok

Job thanks a million for your support. I feel that most definitely my instinct was trying to tell me something. Reading through my OP made my blood run cold. It is like looking at myself behaving in some crazy deluded state. I have been thinking all day about changes I need to make like waking up and living a more mindful life. Late learner at 47 but well worth it. Gotta rush out now to collect DD from work but thanks again for posting.

I'm 47. I'm not winning any prizes for my relationships. At least we dump sub standard partners, thats how I see it, when I'm feeling ok.

You knew something was wrong but like most people you gave it a chance to work. It didn't, you're out now. I think we learn from crap but to err is human when all's said and done.

Hope your son is recovering. Horrible for him to experience but you sound as though you're managing itwell ddespite everything

We are doing relatively ok because we are talking very openly about what happened. I have decided to report it to the police. If a stranger did it I would. I also want my DS to know that he has the right not to be assaulted. Roll on bedtime!

Your poor ds. Well at least this incident has answered the question about whether his drunken behaviour was a one off or not.

Not your fault but make sure you cut him out of your life now. Sorry this turned out the way it did :(

He just rang but I turned off phone. Texted him to say he would be getting a visit from police soon. You're right all my queries were answered! Thanks for saying it's not my fault. I am telling DS the same thing.

Strange as it may seem this is a good, if harsh, wake up call. I have been single since DS born 14 years ago, apart from 2 year long distance relationship ten years ago which suited me & was great while it lasted. I think I got involved with this man because I felt desperate. I thought I would never meet anyone again so thought that I could accept obvious differences. Bottom line is I was lonely and compromised. He was never right for me and I am determined not to make that mistake again. No joke but it will take me another 14 years before I ever date again.

I have also realised that without meaning to I gave him time that should have been given to my DCs. I thought because they were 16 and 14 they didn't need me as much. Now I know they do need me as much but in a different way. It feels good being the 3 of us again. You really do live and learn!

Best wishes to you.

Yours DCs sound lovely.
Enjoy the time with them as they will soon fly the nest and you will miss them.

I married someone who wasn't interested in the things I was interested in: books, politics, the environment.
I was a 30 year disaster.

Oh love! How awful for you all!

Please don't blame yourself for a thing. HE did this. Just hug your DC close and focus on the healing you all need.

Keep talking, we're here!

Thank so much TIme & Hissy for comments & support. DS just gone to bed, I read out parts of messages on here to him. Once he had stopped laughing when he heard that mums talked to one another online & laughed bit more about names he was pleased everyone said it wasn't our fault. Honestly don't know how I would have got through this day without MN replies. It has actually been a good day & we have had a bit of a laugh. They will leave one day as Time said. Going to focus on communicating properly in the meantime.

Going to make doc appointment for DS just to get it recorded. Still bit worried about drama ahead with SS but will talk to solicitor first. I am not as worried as I was when posted this morning though. I thought the world was ending but now I feel strangely optimistic. We talked a lot today about real things instead instead of just knocking about together. It's very revealing when you ask a child how they feel about things.

Hope everything works out well for you and your family.

Thanks very much SodaPop, today wasn't a bad day. DC seem in good form. At least I am checking in with them & they say they are ok. I actually feel more present now that it's just the three of us. Ex didn't live with us but looking back I was always balancing him & them, trying to make sure everyone was happy.

Had a bit of a wobble earlier and felt sorry for myself going back to single life. I enjoyed being in a couple, it was still a novelty for me and I loved it. It felt lovely being with someone. I keep telling myself over and over that I am idealising something that didn't exist. I am resigned to just getting through tough times until I get over it. We were supposed to go on hols in few weeks to the sun on our own. The last time I went away with a man on my own was over 17 years ago.

Self pity is not very attractive, is it! I have got to get in touch with reality, it was never going to work. Thanks again for best wishes.

You are most definitely allowed to feel sorry for yourself! It's required!

Feeling sorry for yourself is caring for yourself and that is most absolutely definitely the way forward.

Be kind to yourself, you need some there-there!

Hissy it's good to know self pity has a purpose. This was helpful to me whilst I was out for a walk earlier. I felt I was being kind to myself instead of self indulgent.

I read on another thread that you broke up recently. I am sorry & hope it gets easier for you. I really admire your outlook. Willing to keep trying until you find someone is courageous of you. At the moment I feel like this is the end for me & dating but you are dead right, you only live once. You have got a lot of balls.

I am really missing my EX or rather missing the idealised version I concocted in my head. I have had 3 relationships since my early 20s & each one was never going to work. I didn't deliberately do this. I was just instinctively attracted to them. If I ever fancy someone again I am going to bolt in the opposite direction. Not that I am planning to meet someone. I need to do a lot of soul searching as to why I do this.

My mother was a very unhappy person & used to leave us frequently. She always came back but I found the leaving traumatic because when she went I had to help my dad to look after the house and the other kids. I am searching for a reason to try to understand why I am missing my EX & really want him back. I have no intention of taking him back but keep having little daydreams where he comes back & we live happily ever after. This is not healthy. I won't take him back because my DC are my priority. If I did I would honestly check myself into the nearest psychiatric ward. As they say denial is not just a river in Eygpt. Good night to anyone who is still awake, sleep well.

((Hug))

Don't forget I had 6m of barely looking up from the pavement! Fought agoraphobia, did therapy, the freedom programme AND attended a DV survivor's group! I was never EVER going to date again, I was terrified of men.

Dating took a long time to consider, a lot of energy, angst and big girl pants.

Right not, of COURSE you don't want to date, you're not ready! You need to build the relationship with YOU first.

I agree, you need to consider what m'en attract you and really focus on challenging that, but the time will come for you to do that, it's not a 'now' thing, healing You comes first.

Have you considered therapy? To help sort out the issues from your family dynamic? Would our Stately Homes thread help too?

Be kind to yourself x

Thank you Dame. Hissy I will definitely do so when I get some cash. In the meantime I am just going to be nice to myself. He tested me earlier to ask for his stuff. He wanted it soon as because he said he is going on holiday this weekend. No doubt this was said to hurt me because he knew I was dying to go on the holiday we booked for August. IMO this is just mean behaviour to hurt me. I was extremely hurt for about 5 minutes then thought screw you & almost immediately felt very relieved that it's over.

He has got his stuff. I have no telephone no. for him. All I am feeling now is relief. Thanks again for support which was invaluable.

ss wont take away Dc if you have got rid of this man!
besides at their age they will have some say anyway
get him arested is what he deserves.