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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What to do? He tried to strangle me!

46 replies

Dryjuice25 · 22/04/2013 13:44

He is an ex.

We argued. I told him to leave. He refused and started verbally attacking me. I insisted he left but he was adamant. The kids were present.
I started to shout that I wanted him gone. He mouthed off and spewed all abusive expletives under the sun which I won't bore you with. I chucked a bit of water on him and he jumped at me and puts his grubby hands around my neck whilst pushing me against the wall. The kids were screaming.

I have recently told the police that he was harassing me and refusing to break-up. He was cautioned about this. My fear is that if I tell the police about this incident, social services will probably be involved. I don't wanted them hanging over us like a dark cloud.

We share kids 50/50, which I'm not happy about but the kids love him. My eldest thinks I was wrong to chuck water at him, so it was my fault!!!She is only 7. I couldn't help them witnessing and I usually try not to get them to see/hear our arguments. Very little physical violence has happened in the past (shoving on both sides) but yesterday shocked me as I was not aware he would put his hands on my neck. I hate him and he won't leave me alone.

I have a board meeting tomorrow where I volunteer and don't want to rock the boat until tomorrow so he can babysit. He has offered to and he denies what he did Angry What to do? I do need to tell the police don't I? Can I use this argument to get custody of the kids.

Thanks for reading

OP posts:
Offred · 22/04/2013 13:49

absolutely tell the police, only way to keep yourself safe from SS IMO.

If this is happening and someone else reports it they will not be on your side and logically what do you have to fear from them? They will be there to protect you all from your H.

I would not let him babysit. Bring the children if you have to to the meeting, even voluntary orgs have reasonable duties to accommodate parenting responsibilities now I think.

It will be taken into account in custody/access only if it has been reported, if you delay he will claim it is a malicious claim.

NotQuiteSoOnEdge · 22/04/2013 13:49

Police! No question. And why on earth would you let this man 'babysit' your kids. They've just watched him attack you! How can they possibly feel safe with him? And of course your 7yr old said that. She's already learnt that he must be placated at all costs to stay safe. Call 999 and never let the children near him again. Please!

FrequentFlyerRandomDent · 22/04/2013 13:50

Call the police.

Please do not rationalise the "I threw water, etc".

colditz · 22/04/2013 13:52

Call the police.

Your child does not get a say in who started it, she is seven and has had her morals warped by being raised in an abusive family.

PeppermintPasty · 22/04/2013 13:52

Please report him. You are in shock.

Get someone else to watch the children.

You should get this logged with the police asap.

colditz · 22/04/2013 13:53

You need to call the police because the social services WILL find out when one of your children mentions it at school. Having this man around is a child protection hazard. You cannot get him to look after them, he's dangerous and unpredictable.

cestlavielife · 22/04/2013 13:54

yes SS have probably already been informed as they do get informed as a matte rof course when dv is reported and a police report is made...this is so they can HELP PROTECT the dc ....
if you can show ss that you are keeping Dc safe then they will only HELP you.

are you keeping the dc safe?

not if you let him stay and show dc examples of agressive argumetns going on, then no ...

it isnt clear - he is violent verbally abusive...yet you want him to babysit them while he is like this? would that be in your place?
you need third party handovers if he is an ex and no contact with him -SS can help you achive that.

or do you truly think he is only angry at you and would never shout at/abuse the dc?

the dark cloud here is your relationship with your ex...

Offred · 22/04/2013 13:55

This is the one who thinks the baby is a pervert for is mannerisms whilst breastfeeding?

disturbing in the extreme.

Have you contacted WA? They would give you better and more effective advice and support than we would. There have been a lot of changes to the law and practices concerning DV recently.

EhricLovesTeamQhuay · 22/04/2013 14:00

Call the police, suspend contact and seek legal advice. Do not allow him in your home ever again. Do not try to hide this from the authorities, it sounds like you need the support/boundaries.

FrequentFlyerRandomDent · 22/04/2013 14:01

Your DD as already learnt that one must not cross daddy, or one is at fault.

Please act. I second calls to WA and logins this with the police.

What will he do when one of his children acts in a way he finds unacceptable? Kids do grow up into challenging teens.

JammySplodger · 22/04/2013 14:02

Do call the police. Social services will work to protect your children, and if that means helping keep him away from hurting you, then that;s what they'll do.

If you let this go, next time could be worse - and worse than trying to strangle you doesn't bear thinking about!

Dahlen · 22/04/2013 14:23

Call the police. Stop contact. Accept the fact that you can no longer use this man as a babysitter.

I could have said all the above with a lot more sympathy but that's what you need to do in a nutshell. As long as you rely on this man for anything, you will never be free from his control.

Short term, this will be hard. It will be inconvenient, stressful and humiliating (dealing with police and SS). Long-term, the payoff will be immense and worth every second of difficulty.

SS can help you in this situation, they won't work against you unless they think you are underestimating the risk to your children.

good luck.

HeySoulSister · 22/04/2013 14:29

Jesus, just report the whole lot!

You seriously are more worried about as finding out and not having childcare??

And you shouldn't have thrown the water, it's still an assault in it's own right, but hands round neck is one of the highest extremes he can go in with. Women's aid rate it as biggest red flag, something about attempted strangulation that rings louder alarm bells than other attacks. So report it

And why are you more worried about using it to change residency proceedings?

Original poster
Dryjuice25 · 22/04/2013 14:33

I agree with all of you, thank you.

Offred, yes he is the guy. Makes me sick thinking about it.
Unfortunately this place won't help with childcare and they only take on people who have their own arrangements where kids are involved.

I suppose he is the dark cloud hanging on us. Very true. It's so difficult to do what's for the best as the kids love him in a way I'm almost jealous about thanks to him allowing junk food/video games and unlimited telly where as at mine these are allowed to the minimum, so he is the bees knees in dcs eyes.

Frequent I worry about that everyday. He swears a lot around them too. Good point, thanks.

I have no family around and no friends that I could leave kids with just like that, so a bit of a dilemma.

Will definitely get this logged on. It makes sense
Off the computer for now and won't be able to read messages for a bit.
Thanks everybody.

OP posts:
Lueji · 22/04/2013 14:37

What everyone else said.

What if he had pushed a bit further and killed you in front of the children.

Don't deal with him. Avoid him and call the police the minute he starts harassing you.

Offred · 22/04/2013 14:38

My dcs get similar lack of parenting and bribes at their dads but they do understand why they don't at home and are doing well at identifying the problems with his approach. If you can't bring dc to the meeting just this once (I think you should explain the circs) I think it would be preferable to either try to find another sitter or to not go.

Original poster
Dryjuice25 · 22/04/2013 14:38

Heysoul I know what you mean. I couldn't believe it when it happened. I called his mum and she said she is going to have stern words with him. But she still thinks he is the greatest dad, even dad of the year! She is talking to because it happened around the kids. But as far as his parenting is concerned, she thinks he is great Confused WTF??

OP posts:
Lueji · 22/04/2013 14:39

Also, you don't have to go to this meeting.
Your children are first.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 22/04/2013 14:40

Another vote for calling the police. He is beyond appalling and you have to let the authorities act for you. Good luck

Original poster
Dryjuice25 · 22/04/2013 14:45

Lueji True. Scary.
I'm avoiding him and I've barred him from entering my house and will refuse any flowers and attempts offered like an olive branch. This time I'm sticking to my guns. The guy is a dangerous fucking numpty.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dryjuice25 · 22/04/2013 14:48

Thanks Cog
Lueji Absolutely. Will be a shame though as I have prepared lot for this meeting. Will try a friend and if not, it's looking like I might not go.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dryjuice25 · 22/04/2013 14:52

To those who are grammar averse, I am shocked at the mistakes on my op. Wrong tenses! WTF

OP posts:
EhricLovesTeamQhuay · 22/04/2013 14:53

50% care is not in their interests is it.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 22/04/2013 14:54

Even an important meeting is not as important as getting a violent criminal into the justice system...

EldritchCleavage · 22/04/2013 14:55

I have a board meeting tomorrow where I volunteer and don't want to rock the boat until tomorrow so he can babysit

Disregard all these practicalities, in the overall scheme of things they are minor. Please, let go of everything except the pressing need to get some protection from this man. All else is secondary.

And you may find that the kids love him less than you think, but express great and anxious enthusiasm for him because he is abusive and they instinctively placate him.