wavering resolve to leave

[ladypippins]

After 2years of verbal and (some) physical abuse (not every week or month just at times when I had caused accidental damage) I resolved, 3 weeks ago to leave (as some of the abuse was taking place in front of my 2year old) and I have started to take steps to do this; contacting Women's Aid and by booking viewings to see rentals and I have now told my family...

Is it normal to have doubts? Things haven't been bad in the last couple of weeks, no abuse and quite civil ( although when drunk he did infer he'd be going on holiday without me)- no hearts and flowers either!

Has anyone been through something similar? Did you stay and did it work out or did you go? Would be helpful to have guidance as I've not been through this before - can this aggressive behaviour stop?

i did that....stayed,but 6 months on moved out. think its normal

Any big decision comes with some doubts attached. In sales training they call it 'buyers' remorse'... the bigger the purchase the more acute the doubts afterwards. Decisions don't come a lot bigger than quitting an abusive relationship and it leads to huge stress. All the time things are civil it's understandable if you relax a little and wonder if it was really as bad as all that. However, abusive people can 'sniff' when you're weakening and tend to turn on the charm. Keep talking to your family and get their support. Courage!!!

It's called [http://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/Hoovering.html hoovering] and it's a recognised technique for abusers to keep their victims hoping and staying. No, he hasn't changed, he's just reining it in for the time being. I'm not saying people can't change if they want to - I'm saying that a couple of weeks of reduced offensiveness is not a sign that your supposed-to-be partner has decided to give up abuse as a way of life.

Bugger! Not like me to louse up a link. hoovering

Yep, I kept getting 'hoovered/hearts and flowered' back in to an abusive relationship for 15 years! He never changed despite all the promises, so I ended the relationship but he is still coming round and crying because he knows I am a sucker and it's still really hard. What made me end it was because I realised I just simply couldn't take it any more, it was no longer an option. I think part of the reason I stayed was because he was so nice in between the abuse and during those phases you do kind of 'forget' the abuse; it almost seems unreal that your lovely bloke could behave like that, you almost disbelieve it. They really are Jekyll and Hyde. I think if you are a kind loyal person you want to help them and make it work but its not worth it, they rarely change. Hope you escape more quickly than I did! Good luck x

PS I love being on my own now, its brilliant!

PPS please escape before he does you a damage, I have a permanently damaged arm.

I wrote out a list of all the worst things and took it out every time I wavered. I don't know if you find the same bit during 'hoovering' I tended to forget all the bad bits so having the list served as a good reminder. I sent it to my sister too so that I had shared it, so I had confirmation that it happened...and was not normal or acceptable behaviour.