Staying with dh after om

[GroundHogDayAgain]

Hi, I posted here yesterday re om dh business etc.

I think I am going to stay with dh and give my marriage another go.

I don't love dh and alot has happened in the 13years we have been together. We have small dcs.

I am going to have to leave my business (with om) and cut all contact with him. I will also become a sahm after working all my adult life.

Please can anyone tell me or give me advice on how to move forwards. I am going to arrange counselling for me then maybe couples if I think it's helping.

Any advice welcome. Thank you x

also are you business partners? as in you own a business between you?

AF- plz don't apologise it's ok. At least you took the time out to comment so it's ok honestly.

Swallowed- again no need to apologise. I appreciate the words of support and if any one has been harsh then that's ok because I do need that.
To answer your question of friends, om kept his marriage a secret to everyone in the office! I remember we used to try and set up him up with other SINGLE girls.

Yes we are business partners, 50/50.

Offred- honestly thank you. You are so kind.

And maybe I didn't clarify before but when om told me about his wife and that she was pregnant, we were just friends at that point. He had told me she had moved out and was at her mothers etc. it all seemed very plausible at the time.

But I know I need to move past that now anyway.

I think one of the reasons why I'm so confused and unsure is I feel like I'm losing so much at once. Om, my business. Dh. Dcs family unit.

I know I brought alot of it on myself. I should have dealt with my marriage problems before thinking of another relationship.

Sometimes, as daunting as it is, it's easiest to let go of all the badness together. It's much better than holding onto something for familiarity, and then prolonging the pain.

Okay I'll bite.

What exactly have you done then that distinguished this relationship from 'just friends'?

Sometimes when people say 'there was no physical relationship' what they mean is no penis in vagina sex.....but just about everything else.

Badinage. Nothing more than kissing or hug. I guess that's physical enough though.

Caja do you mean let go of everything and start again? Ie om dh business etc?

Thanks for answering.

Is the OM from the same faith group as you and your H?

I'm guessing that culturally women always get the shitty end of the stick in the world you've grown up in and so it's harder to be a grown-up who takes responsibility for her actions.

But really you must get away from both these men and start to carve out your own life. You are not safe.

In your first post, you said you were thinking of some counselling for yourself. That would be a very good idea.

Badinage, yes om is of same faith.

And yes, women do put up with alot of bullshit for the sake of appearance and image and social acceptance.

So much so that I actually do not know of any single parent families or divorces in the family or community.

This is one of the reasons I was considering staying with dh. Nothing to do with me being a martyr or anything.

My parents are quite old now and it would break their heart to see me on my own with kids.

Your parents' upset really isn't your responsibility. If they are even halfway decent, they'd be far more upset at the prospect of their daughter being raped and abused by her husband and if they wouldn't, their feelings are really not worth worrying about.

You've got far more responsibility to your kids and to your own wellbeing.

What would be helpful is to see that both of these blokes have treated the women involved appallingly and that you've got far more in common with the OM's wife than you might think.

Badinage you are right. But I could never make my parents/family understand this.

It's so depressing that I have to fight and argue even basic concepts like when he hit me for example and no body in family said a word to him! It was my fault because I wound him up (I didn't btw).

All this following me and breaking into my office and house, again, that's all because I drove him to it and what did I expect him to do?!!

Sometimes when people in your life tell you stuff enough times, you start to believe it and question your own sense of reality.

So work on getting rid of your need for them to understand. Just accept that they don't, won't ever and that it really doesn't matter. Also that it's not your responsibility to make them understand.

It's far more important that your kids understand that behaviour like this in relationships isn't acceptable. Far better for them to see that women don't have to put up with this shit and can have careers and raise families on their own, without being beholden to blokes for work or homes.

Your marriage is dead and has been dead for some time, let it go. Bringing up children in bad relationships is damaging to them.

OM was temporary escapism and never would have led to a permanent satisfactory outcome. Your decision to "work on your marriage" take the path of least resistance is silly, staying with a controlling man who now insists that you don't work thus making you completely financially dependant on him, hmmm, I wonder how that's going to work out.

Of course your kids adore their dad, he's their dad, that doesn't make him a good dad. It has taken me an embarrassingly long time for me to admit that actually DD's dad is not a good dad because he doesn't posses the attributes that make a good dad. Actually, he barely passes for a dad because I work my arse off at being a good parent.

You need to counselling to figure out why you stay in a dead marriage and why you fell for the charms of an obvious liar and cheat.

"But the kids adore him" is the thing you tell yourself to excuse your inaction regarding officially ending your dead marriage.

My mum stayed in an unhapy marriage for the kids and it made us really unhappy. Your h sounds abusive and a crap dad who is never around. Forcimg you to stay at home is dreadful. This is not a good environment for your kids and a terrible example to them of relationships. Plus your husband could leave you high and dry, don't presume you would get a decent divorce settlement. Ltb now,

You need to get rid of your H and your family.

The OM here is a red herring that made you feel guilty and in the wrong.

You leave your job, stay at your Hs mercy and do you think he'll be a better husband.
I can guarantee you that he'll be a lot worse.

Op - what exactly is happening to your business? You said it was 50/50 so why are you leaving it and not him? You were both unfaithful to your partners after all - not just you.

Are you selling him your share?

Could you set up self employed on your own?

I understand that if you stay with your husband you can't really work with OM (although no reason why you can't work) but what about if you leave him?

Re: your family / culture / faith. You do realise that by staying you are bringing your children up in the same culture? Do you have a daughter? In 30 years do you want her to stay in a violent marriage as that is what you are conditioning her to do.

Badinage- it's easier said than done. My parents are very close to me and I've always been afraid to let them down.

Isetan- your right. I do keep saying to myself the kids love him alot and he is great with them in the short time he has with them. I mentioned earlier that he works nights so he is not here for the most important part of the day which is the evening. I'm at home every night from 5pm alone with dcs. Dinner bath bed everything on my own.

Stella- at the moment one of his 'conditions' is that I leave the business and be sahm until he learns to trust me. But I've decided that IF I stay, I'm looking for a job, any job straightaway. He needs to accept that.
Re divorce- he doesn't have a dime to his name. Only thing he can give me is a mountain of debts. We don't even own a home.

Lueji- your right. I need to get on my own two feet and retain my independence.

Mummytokatie- we are 50/50 partners but om invested the vast majority of the capital. If have to pay him first then take out my share. Which I'm not in a position to do right now.

I can't set up on my own as I simply can't afford to.
I don't have a daughter, both ds's.

If have to leave business because om was doing all this for a future together. He didn't mind putting in the long hours and money as he thought we were going to be together.
Now Im leaving om, he obv isn't going to do this and why should he.

Dh has said to me that he will do anything it takes for us to move forward. He's prepared to move house, leave his work and get a regular 9-5job. I know he's desperate for us to stay together.

I know I can be a great mother, daughter, daughter in law. Even a wife in so far as the domestic side of it. But physical? That's where I've got the problem. How long will om be in my head every time dh comes near me. Even though I've not had a sexual relationship with om, ill always compare and wonder and imagine.

I don't think dh would do the crazy stuff going forwards. He did all that because he wanted to catch me out. Yes he has crossed the line though by taking my house keys and going there, effectively trespassing.

I also do think he will always bring om up when we argue/fall out/if I don't sleep with him etc.

It's not just about me, it's unfair on him isn't it to only have half of me.

Om has now told his dw everything about me. The business the house my dh everything. She moved out to her mothers last June.
Om wants to tell his family about me too. He wants us to move forwards and get married.

But everything we started on was built on lies. He doesn't seen to comprehend this and thinks now he's being honest I should be ok with him.

In the meantime, I've not been to work for over a week and I'm desolately worried. I have money to sort out, meetings planned, clients to see. Deadlines to meet. Vat and hmrc are chasing us.

Dh Wont let me go to work unless he 'escorts' me. Om won't let me go to work if dh is with me.

You couldn't make it up.

So your husband wants to break you financially as well as emotionally and mentally?

And I do not believe that your husband would get better. Not only would he have 'won' but he would now have all the power and you would be his to play with.

He will not get better. He is willing to say anything to stop you leaving and ultimately get you back under his control. You should not have to negotiate a relationship like this. I doubt he cares about you not loving him, he sounds as though he just wants to own you and for this reason you should expect some extreme behaviour to shock you into never contemplating leaving him again if you do return.

You are allowing yourself to be treated as a chew toy between two dogs here, I think you need to grow some balls (I know much easier said...) and take control of the situation. DH cannot stop you going to a business you own to work, if he is trying the appropriate action is to leave him. OM shouldn't have anything to say about your husband coming with you (if that is what you want) to a business you own half of.

IMHO you need to sack off all this shit about being great (according to fucked up oppressive standards) at being a wife and mother and you need to focus way more on being much better at just being you. You are not defined by your husband, parents or children.

your husband is abusive and enabled to be so by your family and culture.

i guess the question now is do you want your sons to become abusers enabled by their culture and with a total sense of entitlement to be such? do you want to be the doormat and another do as your told female to your sons or do you want to be their hero? the one who was brave enough to take a stand get out? the one who showed them a better way to live than just doing whatever people thought you should do because the only thing that mattered was what those people thought?

it would take a lot of courage but it could be done and the story of your life would really, really mean something.

as for the business - no matter what the inequity of the initial investment you'd be a fool to just walk away. you either keep going with it or you tell him he can buy you out (doesn't matter if you didn't put as much money in you have a stake in that business and you don't just roll over and slink off like a criminal).

you really could get out. imagine raising boys who don't think it's ok to hit a woman, don't think they're gods gift to the earth simply for having a penis, etc. then imagine the opposite and looking your future daughter in laws in the eye after they've been slapped or bullied or told how to breathe.

Lisamed- it does seem like if I stay with dh then he's won. But he's really really trying to pursuade me to stay and he wil do whatever I ask of him etc etc.

Offred- I see myself as a mother first, wife then daughter. I know that's not all that defines me. I don't know myself tbh what defines me. Even when I'm at work, I don't see myself as the job I do. My Dc is with me in my office and I'm a mother even there.

I guess the counselling will help me with this. I have no confidence at all anymore. And that's why I'm pathetically faffing about trying to decide what to do.

I've not spoken to om for a week now. I'm too afraid in case I'm listened in on. Just txts. But I do need to spk to him about everything moving forwards.

Ps. Sorry for the typos, I'm using my phone.

whatever you ask of him includes letting you keep your business presumably? or get another job?

Then tell him that in order to move forwards with your marriage, you need to be able to work, you need couples counselling together and you both need independent counselling, for you to work on your confidence, and for him to work on his control issues.

When he declines, you'll at least know for sure that he's lying about being prepared to do anything to keep you.