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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Can we talk about stone walling please?

62 replies

superstarheartbreaker · 18/04/2013 23:58

My bloke has just dumped me by email (classy) after a very short but intense relationship. All the warning signals were there. A major one for me was the stone walling. I noticed that every time I had an issue with the realtionship he would go very cold and refuse to discuss. He percieved it as a very personal attack.
Last Friday he came round as usual, we got pissed and I tried to initiate sex. he didn't want it which is fair enough but I had a little strop (immature I know) and said I felt rejected. he did reassure me but I didn't really remmebr the conversation and we ended up having very rough sex. I do like rough sex but this just felt wierd and different from normal. The next day I got cystitus.We spent the next evening togather and no sex due to cystitus.
On Monday I was still feeling wierd about the wierd rejection/sex thing and then texted him. I think I bruised his pride. However he kept ignoring me and refusing to take my calls....for most of the week. It drove me a bit potty. I have bad pmt/menatl health issues relating to that. The more he ignored , the more I texted. I know I was stupid but I felt like I was being ignored, unloved, I wanted reassurance etc. He dumped me by email today and is still refusing to talk.
Was I a twat for texting about the wierd sex? I am just very open to discussion. I said I felt a change as he used to be able to want me all teh time. I feel like a twat as he was pissed up, full up after a lovely meal and just wanted to chill. But I felt rejected. Stupid I know. I cant force anyone to Did I deserve to be ignored and dumped. I am off to the doctors tomorrow and devastated as I I thought I found a lovely man but he dumpoed me by email. Surely he could have tried to to reassure me ? He said he felt criticised which is probably true. I'm in a mess.Am I mad or is being ignored crazy making? Agggrrr! I just can't tell my arse from my elbow in relationships.
On Sunday I baked his son a birthday cake. Another red flag was he told me htold me he loved me three weeks in after two shags and wanted the kids to meet soon after which was too soon in my eyes.

OP posts:

Report

superstarheartbreaker · 19/04/2013 06:33

Didn't get much sleep last night. Going to doctors this morning to sort out medication etc and have a chat about my behaviour. I have deleted his number and will try zero contact. I ma full of regret. Hand holding/butt kicking still welcome. I know I need time alone to sort myself out before getting into the dating scene gain.

OP posts:

twooter · 19/04/2013 06:48

To be fair, a lot of men would freak out at the thought of having to talk about the relationship, especially if its early on.

superstarheartbreaker · 19/04/2013 07:18

Well its ok for them to talk about being in love 3 weeks in isn't it?(which did freak me out a bit tbh) We are supposed to be flattered but as soon as we want to 'work' on things they shoot off. I wanted to talk to him about my potential bipolar which is more about me than him. I thought it only fair to tell him early on but I accept he can't handle it.

OP posts:

joblot · 19/04/2013 07:25

I think forcing/pushing someone into having sex is a deal breaker for most of us. As well as the above advice I'd say you need to look at your attitude to sex also. I'd dump by text if I'd been forced to have sex, that would ruin things for me.

KatyTheCleaningLady · 19/04/2013 07:31

If I were in a relationship with someone who behaved as you described yourself in your op, I would dump you by email and stonewall you, too.

You come across like a bunny boiler.

superstarheartbreaker · 19/04/2013 07:37

I didn't force him to have sex. I get in a mood about him not wanting sex which was really shit of me and that's why I wanted to talk to him about it. I do feel awful about it ...and I do feel bad about the texting. Mabe I am a bunny boiler. Well I do have issues clearly. I'm hoping I can sort them out before dating again.

OP posts:

BitOutOfPractice · 19/04/2013 07:47

I'm afraid to say that I thinkyou have acted badly here (with regard to the sex) then gone completely OTT this week with the texts and shitty emails. If I were him, I would have done the same as he did. TBH his break up email sounds the calmest thing on this thread! Sorry but you need to calm down and breathe and look at what you could have done differently

ratbagcatbag · 19/04/2013 07:54

Ok, I used to be like this, attention seeking, clinging, desperate for affection, blaming everything on the other person when things go wrong and admitting a tiny bit and only a tiny bit was my fault, getting stuff in my head that I couldn't drop and do you know what I found I attracted dicks, (scuse the pun) because you give out signals tat you will put up with anything if they say I love you, if they give you a few crumbs of affection. Also sorry to be really harsh and sorry if I'm out of line, but telling him about the bi polar is so he has another reason not to leave, I've shared m deepest secret etc, its another stick to beat hm with so to speak, gains more sympathy, again i know because I was the same with some previous abuse I'd suffered. At the time I thought being open and honest was the way forward, but now I'm in a healthy place I can see it was to manipulate more sympathy so I could behave how I wanted, that's not to say the abuse wasn't traumatic but I couldn't move past how I felt I should be treated because of it ( iyswim).

I hope you do get some help, it's awful being stuck in this cycle, and I'm not excusing he was a twat, but had you come on here saying a guy had pressured you for sex to feel reassured and then texted you constantly wed been advising she runs for the hills.

You can get better, it takes some serious work to not fall into the woe is me trap and stop yourself being dragged down, I now tell myself I'm better than that and I've been with DH ten years and am cuddling my five week old dd.

superstarheartbreaker · 19/04/2013 07:55

I'd normally get really defensive but I'm sitting here in tears about what a fucking knob I have been.

OP posts:

superstarheartbreaker · 19/04/2013 08:00

We live and learn I hope. He is a really decent guy too.

OP posts:

ratbagcatbag · 19/04/2013 08:05

It's not so much live and learn, you have to make a conscious decision to not behave like that, and it's bloody hard, it's so easy when things aren't goin right to slip back into it and start the cycle again.

ratbagcatbag · 19/04/2013 08:05

This is from experience as I say, twelve years ago I was doing this!!!

superstarheartbreaker · 19/04/2013 08:06

Thanks for talking sense into me. I now have to eat humble pie. I can't believ I'm saying this but I do actually feel sorry for my dd!

OP posts:

ratbagcatbag · 19/04/2013 08:07

When you say ear humble pie do you mean contact him?

superstarheartbreaker · 19/04/2013 08:08

I'm also 35 and by the time I work it out will probably be too old for more kids!

OP posts:

superstarheartbreaker · 19/04/2013 08:08

No..I have deleted his number. I mean I'm going to have to process this alone and work out what to do.

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ratbagcatbag · 19/04/2013 08:12

Only you can decide that, I've got friends on late forties having them, but if you don't process this you will really end up sad or driving yourself crackers. Hopefully the dr can suggest something, maybe some counciling to see if you can figure out why you do this and how to be healthier in relationships so you are strong enough to not be taken for granted and accept shitty behaviour.

joblot · 19/04/2013 08:23

Good for you op. Don't worry about age- I'm 47 and still fuck up, it's how real life is. Live and learn and change

superstarheartbreaker · 19/04/2013 08:35

thanks everyone. i'm more aware now.

OP posts:

superstarheartbreaker · 19/04/2013 08:36

Was his behaviour shitty though ...I think not. It was mine in the end.

OP posts:

KatyTheCleaningLady · 19/04/2013 09:35

I have boiled a few bunnies in my day. I really do understand where you're coming from, op.

Look, this may be a slightly controversial recommendation, but I think you should read that book, The Rules. There's some stupid stuff in it, but it's also got some good points, and while I wouldn't say that someone should follow it like the Bible, it can be helpful for someone with needy/clingy issues like you seem to have.

As dumb as some of it is, it's basically about how to at least pretend to be too busy and happy with your own life to get into these kinds of situations.

Short, intense relationships are usually bad. They're like emotional crack and they leave you feeling even shittier than you did before.

boyfromipinema · 19/04/2013 10:07

You probably shouldn't have mentioned the Bipolar depression at such an early stage. It would be a worry for someone who is about to embark on a relationship. You're actions constantly texting him would have made him realize in his mind that he did the right thing.
Having said that it was daft of him to say he loved you after 3 weeks. Some people do casually throw around the word love,and then seem suprised that the objects of this 'love' take it seriously.
To them it's just words and all part of the courtship.

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superstarheartbreaker · 19/04/2013 11:10

Hi boyfrom...I do think that it was the right time really. I was obviously having a bad time. He needed to know what was going down so that he could make an informed decision. It would have been awful if I had told him later , very deceptive and dishonest. He has a right to know. He cant handle it, that's fair enough but he could have phoned me and ended it. A fair few people have told me there's no excuse for not talking properly.

OP posts:

superstarheartbreaker · 19/04/2013 11:13

Have read the rules. I just can't stick to them! In fact I threw my copy in the bin! Went to the doctor. He said I was talking rationally and that I was reacting normally to relationship breakdown. He was great about the complulsive texting saying humans don't like uncertainty etc. Very professional. Gave me sleeping tablets for two or three nights then told me to come back in a couple of weeks to sort the bipolar out.

OP posts:

badinage · 19/04/2013 11:16

Hang on though.

Isn't this the 'lovely bloke' who's a drug addict, who you assured us you were dumping a few weeks ago?

OP give relationships a rest for a while. I've lost count of the threads you've started in the past few months that have been about various different blokes or about sexual relationships generally. You're way too needy to be in a relationship, to have a successful one just yet.

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