Can somebody help me please - how do I make them understand???

[Overtiredmum]

I have been with my DH for 12 years, married for 7 and we have two beautiful children, DS 7 and DD 4. DH is a wonderful dad and a good husband, problem is that for the last year or so I have just drifted apart from him, to the point I am just so unhappy, we have finally separated.

This has only been since last week, and we are slowly starting to tell friends and family. The problem is I feel like I am beign ganged up on, no-one really understands how I feel and that I need to do whats best, which in everyone elses view is patch things up with DH for the sake of the kids! But thats the problem, I have been "patching" for the last year, now I just feel like I am barely surviving day to day.

Since having DS, I have worked evenings. I am fortunate that I have a good job which enabled me to continue my career, but working in the evenings, 5-11pm. DH works days 7am to 4pm, which meant we have never needed additional childcare. But also meant that we had very little time together. I have always tried to do the lions share of stuff at home, maybe a couple of times a week he will need to cook for DC, but apart from that I do everything, and then I go to work. My day starts at 6am and finishes about 12.30am when I crawl into bed.

For the last 4 months or so, everything has just gotten on top of me. Growing up, my parents had an unhappy marriage, splitting up on numerous occasions, my DF being always at work, my DM being the primary care provider. My DM made sacrifices for her own happiness, and they stayed together and are companions for each other in their retirement. But I watched this growing up, and can now see my life heading in the same direction. I have tried to talk to my mum about my feelings, but she is of the view that I should stay put, that I could never do any better, a companion is better than a partner and to "think of the children". I can see having a companion works for her, she is 65 - I am 38?

But that is my problem - I am doing this for my babies. For the last 4-6 months they are picking up on my unhappiness. DS is at school all day, but DD is home for 3 days a week - I spend whole days crying, with her drying my tears, telling me she loves me and it will be OK. Thats surely not healthy for her?? My DS has a nervous thing he does with his eyes, which he cannot seem to stop. I feel like I am being a terrible mum, I need to be happy, surely if I'm happy I will be a better mum?

Together as a family, the DC continually fight and argue, fighting for my attention and love.

So, I have broken DH's heart by asking for a separation. This was last Friday. He stayed at his mums for the weekend but came back every day. Every time he left, I felt a great sense of relief, the DC calmed down, played together great, and we had fun. Thats sounds awful I know. The minute he walks back through the door, I am uncomfortable, it is back to square one with the fighting and arguing. For the first time ever, he took them to the park at the weekend on his own, they loved it.

I am just so unhappy, and I feel I am being pushed into a corner. I have had some really dark days during the last few months, I have been drinking a ridiculous amount of alcohol. This past few days have been so tough, I know he doesn't understand, but I feel relief that he now knows at least, and I haven't even felt the need for a drop of alcohol.

I have made an appointment to see a Relate counsellor next week on my own, although don't really know what to expect. I just want to sit down and talk to someone who doesn't know me, or how great DH is.

I just feel drained. I am continually trying to explain that I am just so unhappy, that it is reflecting on the DC, and that I feel to be the best mum I can, I need to be happy, and if that means being apart from DH, then so be it.

Sorry - long and rambling, but needed to get this out of my head. I feel terrible for breaking the heart of a good man - but I have one life, don't I owe it to myself to make the very best of it for me and my DC? I love my DH, but more as a brother. We just returned from a 10 day holiday together, I had hoped the time together would help - but I felt like I was away with a stranger :(

So opinions please - am I doing the right thing?

Seriously, I cannot wait for the day when you'll be separated from your "whining, passive-agressive bully" as flippinada so perfectly described him. It's awful living with someone you don't want to, whoever they might be. This is your home, the one place you should look forward to being, your safe haven. Seriously, the whole cleaning-the-floor for you bollocks is a piss take. How are you supposed to react to that? With gratitude? With remorse? Does he really think you're going to have second thoughts now that he has cleaned the floor???

Your mum is making you feel like shit, so just cut contact for now. I can never understand why people always think the person being 'dumped' (sorry, couldn't think of a better word!) is the one that's hurting.

I can totally relate to everything you're saying, you are speaking with maturity and wisdom. Your mum and your h on the other hand...a whole other planet.

Hoping you are OK today, OP.

Hi all, just popping in quickly before I put my babies to bed.

H moved out yesterday - staying at his brothers for now. GP has signed me off work for now, initially for 2 weeks with a view to extending as my BP is quite high.

No news from DM and H swears he has heard nothing.

I have spoken to a good friend and she has surprised me so much. She knows and loves my H to bits, but she told me she was chuffed about what I was doing, her attitude is you have one life, live it to be happy, not to what everyone tells you you should.

Oddly, me and H are actually getting on better, as friends. I know he still wants to try, but I am sticking to my guns. My DD had the best day at school ever today, no tears refusing to leave me.

I am happier, more relaxed, I am not drinking and I am sleeping so well. There is a long, long way to go, but I feel better. H is taking the DC out tomorrow, which means I can get some things done.

Work are trying to support me and trying to find a job for me on days, although I also have 2 interviews lined up for Tuesday and I have been put forward to two amazing management positions I could only dream of! I may even have found a childminder for DD for 2 days a week. DD met her today and she adored her instantly!

I have light at the end of my tunnel! No news yet about my next counselling session but

The support I have received on here is amazing, keep talking to me, I'll come on tomorrow evening for a catch up!

Thank you xxxxx

Oh, that is all sounding so positive OP! I am so glad.

It sounds as if your work really values you and wants to keep you (and the two interviews you have can only focus their minds!) so that bodes well. Sleeping well will do you a power of good, it's hard to think well when your brain is sluggish with exhaustion.

And no new from your DM is definitely good news!

That's great news OP. Onwards and upwards! Hope things continue to improve.

That is great news Over - how lovely to read such a positive update.

Nearly in tears at such a lovely post. I am soo pleased for youxxx

This is wonderful news! A short time following your own instincts, doing what you need to do, and both you and DD feel the benefits.

New job opportunities, and support from a caring friend - it gets better and better. I'm so happy for you Overtired :)

I'm glad things are going so well for you. I just wanted to make the point that actually you (like everyone) have the right to end a relationship just because you don't want to be in it anymore. That's enough of a reason.

Just another quick stop by to say to you all.

I have had a great day. H took the DC out this afternoon, whilst I popped to work to finish some projects I had outstanding. I work in Canary Wharf, London and its such a lovely place - for the first time in my life I sat on my own in a bar with a glass of wine and sandwich?! Never done it before and I loved the "me" time, bit weird but nice.

H and I continue to talk. I don't know if he is genuinely starting to understand but he has admitted that the DC are better and happier, they are getting better quality of our time. We are starting to discuss financials but H admits that he still clings to the hope that the counselling will help me "get better" . Hes gone out tonight, leaving his washing in the laundry basket . Its still there!!

Also had a text from DM today, asking if I was ok. I am being extremely guarded. I have asked them to come see DC next weekend as it is DD birthday on Sunday - if anything is said, I have told H that I will make my apologies and leave the house until they leave. Is that right thing do you think?

OTM xxxx

So glad you had time to relax today. Its good he still lives in hope it may mean he behaves while you part and when its happened and he realises its permenant it'll be too late for his bad behaviour to affect you> also as far as mums visit goes I'd say of course you can do what you want you no longer have to be bullied or abused by these two.xx

So glad to read the latest developments on your thread Overtired. You know in your heart and head that you are doing the right thing.

I have to say, that a lot of the language your mother has been using is very illuminating...

"if you let him go, someone will come along and snap him up, how will you feel then?"

"I just said that I hope that someone makes him happy, to which she just laughed and said I will never do any better"

The bottom line for her - clearly, since she stayed and stayed in an unhappy relationship - is that being partnered up with a man is The Most Important Thing.

'Someone will snap him up'. Threatening you with the idea that you'll give him up and then lose your chance to get him back. As if this is a bad thing...

'Will never do any better' - but by being single and without him you will be doing better. This is totally unfathomable to her though, as she just can't comprehend the idea of being single as being the preferred and desired option. You don't need to meet someone else to do better, you just need to leave.

You're talking to somone who is fundamentally speaking a very different language to you, and this is why she just doesn't get it. You keep trying to make her understand, to express how you're feeling, but none of it makes any sense to her, because the idea of going it alone is so unnatural to her. So unnatural that it's impossible for her to get her head around it; ergo you can't possibly mean it, you're unwell, you just need to be talked around, etc, etc.

Feeling anxious and abit scared today. For the last eight years my life has been so routine and I knew where my life was heading, the uncertainty of the next few months is terrifying!

What if I can't get day work, and the only way I am work for now is to continue in my evening position? What if I get a job but can't get adequate childcare? Panicking abit today

Panic normal, understandable but not necessary!! What if you get the perfect job, childcare is sorted, you have the safe happy home you want and all the money you need? Not minimising your worries but I was with H for 35 yrs and have been sahm, but I did it all and its amazing how 'good' things seem to crop up just when you want them Try to fucus on the moment and what you need to do now. You don't know you haven't got day job yet and your mind is already having you and dcs in dreadful situation!! Hope you can go back to the idea that you deserve the best and that good things do happen to good people - THAT IS YOUxxx

Hope you are ok today, Overtiredmum.

Cjel is right, panic is normal and understandable! On another thread, wise poster Jenny pointed out that all change is hard, even change for the better. That sometimes it seems easier to do nothing!

I totally sympathise with this view. But try to keep pointing forward, and believe in yourself a bit more. Think of a time when you did something without knowing if you'd succeed. Chances are, you survived! Either you did succeed, or it worked out because you took another route.

So hang in there, and post on here if we can help cheer you along... :)

I don't know where to turn. This weekend has been horrendous, he is now apparently loving back in on Saturday to "take control of the situation"!

It was my DD birthday at the weekend. He turned up Friday to see them, clearly had the hump and in the mood for an argument, I told him to leave, which he did, but then continued abusing me by text. I then found out he had gone out and got drunk, telling everyone I'm taking him to the cleaners!!

Same day I found out from my neighbour that hes asked him to spy on me during the day, see who is in and out(?), that while I was at work he was trying to ponce beer off them, and then worse still, he left the kids a few times with same neighbour to go and buy beer!

Then Saturday he was here all day, not a bad day, we were pleasant enough with each other, the kids went to bed, cos I refused sex, he went to the pub! More abuse by text.

Then yesterday, another fairly pleasant day, his parents turned up to see kids, then he left to go back to his brother. Enough time to crank open a beer, the abuse starts and hes moving back blah blah.

I've told him that if he moves back, we will argue and I don't want that for the kids. Hes told me I am a selfish bitch, when I told him that ever since the kids have come along, I've done everything, in terms of the cooking, cleaning, washing, running the kids around, sometimes being on the go for 20 hours a day, without any form of gratitude from him - but apparently I'm being selfish?!!

Hes pushing me further and further into a corner. No sign of my next relate session yet. I'm so alone, I don't know what to do xx

bumping

OTM, I don't post (as I really haven't much knowledge to help anyone) but you sound so scared and alone I just wanted to hold your hand.

I think you should start keeping a log of any abusive texts, calls, etc. That he appears to expect you to have sex with him when you are separated makes me really quite concerned for you and I think at some point you may find a log useful.

On counselling, was your initial session with the person who will be your counseller? You seemed to hit it off and it would be a shame to lose that but I think you need to be heard and will fit well with quite a few counsellers. Could you research any other resources in your area and see if you could see someone more quickly? I was able to access (free, non-NHS) counselling within a week when suffering from PND but I'm not UK mainland. If there is nothing else in the area I would suggest first off contact relate and see if there is any word on appointments and then maybe suggest a diary? I find writing my feelings down somehow can take some of the sting out of them, it may also help you when you get to counselling.

Don't panic OTM. Try not react to his angry comments but do document them. I've lost track of where he is actually staying. What had you agreed before the weekend about living arrangements and access to the kids?

He is currently staying with brother and seein dc daily x

Have you hard legal advice? If not get some ASAP.

It sounds,to me as if he was "being good" to try to get back with you, but is now lashing out. You need find out if you can keep him out of your house, those abussive text messages may be evidence that you need. Don't worry about the threats he is making, he is portraying himself very badly at present. If you didn't have unreasonable behaviour before,you do now, with neighbours being asked to spy etc.

You need to keep him out of the house, contact with the children needs to be outside the house from now on.

Try not to argue back, it will not get you anywhere. But don't worry that people will accept his version of events unquestioningly. I once got harangued for 1/2 hour in a shop by a guy telling me his version of his divorce from his ex-wife. All he did was annoy me, and basically wreck the business as no one wanted to go into that shop anymore if they could help it.

Rememb er that you can report abuse to the police. You do not have to accept it from this tiresome man just because you have been married to him. It's probably time to get some legal backup and make arrangements to end the marriage and put him in his place.

Overtiredmum you'll be fine. Have read the whole thread and you could be me 10yrs ago.
He's going through the angry, poor me phase. My ex was a royal pain as regards childcare and managed to cry all over anyone who'd listen when we split-including my closest family git
Still, I told the parents that I wasn't asking them to help me fix anything or requesting advice I was giving them a 'polite' heads up. No more, no less.
My neighbour was spying and gossiping with all and sundry too..made scene after scene in the street flippin poisonous loony

That aside, time with DC should be out of the house. Get a bolt or two (nice and big) for both the front and back doors so you can lock up and be safe but not have changed the locks officially and don't worry about what others think. People soon get sick of hearing it-especially if he starts waffling after a beer and is ruining other people's pub time

If he starts turning up unannounced and being abusive call the police. They'll remove him-he's moved out so while legally it might be 'half his house' he's still breaching the peace and they won't stand for any nonsense, especially where children are involved.

Get yourself to a good family law solicitor and take some proper advice. Usually free for the first session, when you can decide whether you want to use them or not.

Oh and I'm only mildly insane with umpteen children and a nice DH now

How can I stop him moving back in though Its his comments about taling control of the situatopn that I'm so angry about

Have a word with women's aid Overtired. They might have some advice for you. Verbal abuse, pressuring you for sex, trying to spy on you, saying he's moving back to take control...it's all very bad.