Can somebody help me please - how do I make them understand???

[Overtiredmum]

I have been with my DH for 12 years, married for 7 and we have two beautiful children, DS 7 and DD 4. DH is a wonderful dad and a good husband, problem is that for the last year or so I have just drifted apart from him, to the point I am just so unhappy, we have finally separated.

This has only been since last week, and we are slowly starting to tell friends and family. The problem is I feel like I am beign ganged up on, no-one really understands how I feel and that I need to do whats best, which in everyone elses view is patch things up with DH for the sake of the kids! But thats the problem, I have been "patching" for the last year, now I just feel like I am barely surviving day to day.

Since having DS, I have worked evenings. I am fortunate that I have a good job which enabled me to continue my career, but working in the evenings, 5-11pm. DH works days 7am to 4pm, which meant we have never needed additional childcare. But also meant that we had very little time together. I have always tried to do the lions share of stuff at home, maybe a couple of times a week he will need to cook for DC, but apart from that I do everything, and then I go to work. My day starts at 6am and finishes about 12.30am when I crawl into bed.

For the last 4 months or so, everything has just gotten on top of me. Growing up, my parents had an unhappy marriage, splitting up on numerous occasions, my DF being always at work, my DM being the primary care provider. My DM made sacrifices for her own happiness, and they stayed together and are companions for each other in their retirement. But I watched this growing up, and can now see my life heading in the same direction. I have tried to talk to my mum about my feelings, but she is of the view that I should stay put, that I could never do any better, a companion is better than a partner and to "think of the children". I can see having a companion works for her, she is 65 - I am 38?

But that is my problem - I am doing this for my babies. For the last 4-6 months they are picking up on my unhappiness. DS is at school all day, but DD is home for 3 days a week - I spend whole days crying, with her drying my tears, telling me she loves me and it will be OK. Thats surely not healthy for her?? My DS has a nervous thing he does with his eyes, which he cannot seem to stop. I feel like I am being a terrible mum, I need to be happy, surely if I'm happy I will be a better mum?

Together as a family, the DC continually fight and argue, fighting for my attention and love.

So, I have broken DH's heart by asking for a separation. This was last Friday. He stayed at his mums for the weekend but came back every day. Every time he left, I felt a great sense of relief, the DC calmed down, played together great, and we had fun. Thats sounds awful I know. The minute he walks back through the door, I am uncomfortable, it is back to square one with the fighting and arguing. For the first time ever, he took them to the park at the weekend on his own, they loved it.

I am just so unhappy, and I feel I am being pushed into a corner. I have had some really dark days during the last few months, I have been drinking a ridiculous amount of alcohol. This past few days have been so tough, I know he doesn't understand, but I feel relief that he now knows at least, and I haven't even felt the need for a drop of alcohol.

I have made an appointment to see a Relate counsellor next week on my own, although don't really know what to expect. I just want to sit down and talk to someone who doesn't know me, or how great DH is.

I just feel drained. I am continually trying to explain that I am just so unhappy, that it is reflecting on the DC, and that I feel to be the best mum I can, I need to be happy, and if that means being apart from DH, then so be it.

Sorry - long and rambling, but needed to get this out of my head. I feel terrible for breaking the heart of a good man - but I have one life, don't I owe it to myself to make the very best of it for me and my DC? I love my DH, but more as a brother. We just returned from a 10 day holiday together, I had hoped the time together would help - but I felt like I was away with a stranger :(

So opinions please - am I doing the right thing?

[fubbsy]

You are not making them hate you, they are doing that entirely under their own steam. Yes it is sad and upsetting when a marriage breaks down, but there is no justification for her treating you that way.

FWIW I agree that you seem like a lovely lady, tryingto do your best in difficult circumstances.

[mummytime]

Who hates you? Not your DC, I bet.

It may well be that in six months or so you realise that the reason you were ever with your H is because of your "D" M.

Take support from your friends and here. Get legal advice.

[fubbsy]

I have the same thoughts exactly about my mum - I can never imagine treating my dd the way she treated me.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

"How can I be a lovely lady, if I'm prepared to make those around me clearly hate me so much??"
You are not doing this to make them hate you, you are doing this because you are unhappy. I would be unhappy in your shoes. Anyone would. Well, any normal sane person would.

And I doubt that even they hate you, they're just trying to control you. They'll say whatever they think will manipulate you best, and I'm sorry, but making you feel bad about all this is the tactic they have chosen. They want you to doubt yourself, to accept more-of-the-same. And that's really not good enough, not for you and not for your DC. They don't hate you. They don't respect you as they should, they don't love and cherish you as they should, but they don't hate you.

[Overtiredmum]

Is it maybe just because they are an older generation? I remember loads of times my mum falling out with my nan for various reasons, she had an acid tongue too

I've had such a nice day today too - ruined and feel like I've taken a massive jump backwards.

[cjel]

You are a lovely lady or you wouldn't have sat crying at your sadness you would have told them all to get lost ages ago. You wouldn't even being considering what H wants with regards to your financial help to get a new home and you would not be concerned about the way your dcs spend their childhood. You have had the bad luck to have a toxic mother and a H who is abusive as well. Please don't listen to what they think of you. It is not true. You had one session with counsellor and she agreed, all the new friends you have made on mn agree, you are a lovely capable woman and mum. I wish I could fast forward you several months of counselling when you start to realise you are good things, you deserve good things and you deserve to be happy. I don't think anyone hates you, I just think they are fighting to hold on the their own selfish needs being met and up till now you have let them at the expense of being the fantastic overtired mum that you are. Get up every morning and say to yourself in the mirror 'I am lovely, I am capable and I deserve to be happy' Try it throughout the day at the very least it will make you think of some mad woman on mn Try it!!

[Overtiredmum]

When the kids called me at bedtime, H took great delight in telling me he had spent an hour cleaning the lounge floor?! I didn't have the heart to tell him I spent an hour hanging out of the uptairs windows today trying to clean them His exact words were:

"I've spent a whole hour on my hands and knees cleaning the floor for you?" For me????

I'm so done, I am mentally exhausted with it. After a great day, they can just bring me down so easily

[Overtiredmum]

Cjel I think it will be a long time before I think I could try anything like that but Mad woman?! xx

I really am getting some incredible support on here, please don't give up on me just yet

[Snazzynewyear]

OP, there's a lot going on here but what is clear to me is that your mother is treating you very badly. Does she help you with any childcare at all? If not I would just completely cut contact for the moment. No-one deserves to be told how awful they are all the time like she's doing. Ignore her completely, she's being horrible. Can you block her texts?

What organisation is providing your counselling, is it NHS? Can you go back to your GP (if so) or ring the place and ask if there is any chance they can get you in earlier or if you can take a cancellation if one comes up?

[cjel]

Its your thoughts giving them the power to bring you down. Try and choose to reject the negative messages you are getting from them try and say ' that isn't the truth and I don't need it. Try filling your mind with lovely positive thoughts from someone at work or someone on here or a friend? Conciously try to replace them with a happy phrase. Even something like I am right and I will be happy.

[margaritathatcher]

Remember this, only you know how you feel. Be guided by your emotions. You have been unhappy for a while now and you need to act on that.

Limit contact with people who make you feel bad about yourself (i.e. DM and DH) and spend time with people who make you feel good.

It's a simple formula but it works!

[Overtiredmum]

The counselling is with Relate. She said I could get a call next week, or it could be a couple of months, depends on an opening or cancellation.

Can I block her texts? What if she needs me?

[Snazzynewyear]

She has your dad there, doesn't she?

The consequences of being a horrible bully to someone are, or should be, that they don't get to call on you when they need you. Your mum can't have it both ways.

[cjel]

Block Mums texts. I'd say if its what you want to do,If she needs you she can get hold of you another way. Do what you need to keep yourself safe from attack.xx

[Overtiredmum]

Well I knew she would be hard on me, but not like this. I don't need her being like this with me right now, its hard enough as it it

[Overtiredmum]

Well I knew she would be hard on me, but not like this. I don't need her being like this with me right now, its hard enough as it it

Probably going to need to take time off work, he is refusing to look after the DC again so I can work

Am so sick of this!

[cjel]

I'm not suprised you are sick of it he is being so horrid. I don't know how on earth he thinks this behaviour is going to make a go of your relationship.What an idiot. While you have time off could you get yourself organised - Legal advise .maybe even WA and could you get a place to live for you and Dcs if hes not going to help with childcare you can get a babysitter/childminder organised. Try and be proactive working towards what you want to acheive for your life and he'll have to fit in around you and the dcs. A solicitor and WA will really help you move out of this situation, It sounds as if H and M have ground you down to thinking you have no choices but if you can talk to people outside who will know what your options really are I think you will feel empowered and not so exhausted. Its a positive thing that you are getting fed up with their behaviour and are not believing what they say so readily.If you get angry it will help you move in the right directionxxx

[Overtiredmum]

I can't sit at work night after night waiting to see what he will come out with next, waiting to see if he threatens not to look after his own children, its too hard and I'm worried the stress will make me mess my job up. I'll make an appointment to see GP and see if I can get some additional counselling, get signed off for a couple of weeks and in that time see if I can find a childminder, get a day job and go from there

[NotSureWhatItIs]

Well if he wants to play a game of 'I am not going to look after the dcs so you can work' maybe you could do the same to him? Or at least remind him that you CAN do the same thing and stop him from working too?

Don't fall into that trap. If you start taking time off, request day time hours, look for a new job etc... you will soon end up in a situation where you have no job (Lost the one you have thanks to him and can't find another because you have to look after the dcs whilst he works).
You will get financially dependant on him which is the last thing you need but the one thing he might be hoping for.

Also don't put your name on a mortgage! Who on earth would pout their name on a mortgage with their STBexH??

Agree re your mum. If you can block her texts. She can still ring you/leave a message if there is something urgent.

[Overtiredmum]

Well wish me luck. I am off home for another verbal battering no doubt. I'll try and be in touch at some stage tomorrow, but please keep supporting me, I can view messages from my phone, but it just won't let me reply

[Snazzynewyear]

Could you look at getting a babysitter, even short term, so you can still go to work? Even if it means you lose out financially it would be better than losing your job altogether right now. Agree with NotSure that you need to keep some financial independence from him.

Will your employer really not entertain the idea of you working daytimes? You've said you love your job, I presume you are good at it - do they want to lose a good employee?

Fingers crossed you can get in quickly with Relate, then.

You could also consider saying to him 'If you want to make me feel even more strongly that I want us to split up, then you're going the right way about it with all this fucking about and refusing to look after the kids. Why do you think that would make me want to stay with you?' He is relying on you being made to feel bad and that it's somehow your fault that he's doing this, when in truth it's showing him up to be a dick. Call him on that.

[Snazzynewyear]

Good luck, keep your chin up. You don't need to feel bad for the awful way husband and mother are treating you. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other for now.

[cjel]

Taking time off to start to sort things out is a great idea. Don't start to play a game by threatening him, rise above it .Save your energy for sorting your life without him. move forward. I am thinking of you and hoping you won't get drawn into conversation with him tonight. I think that he doesn't have to be physically violent for you to get help from WA and even the police if he is threatening you and won't leave the house if you want. At least if you have time off work he will have no reason to be in the house unless you want him to. Hoping for a peaceful evening for you.xx

[wordyBird]

Thinking of you, Overtiredmum.

I don't like the sound of the verbal battering you mentioned. If this is a feature of your relationship - alongside the attempts to deny your feelings, and shut you out of the house, etc, then a word with Women's Aid might be in order.

[flippinada]

I've just read through this thread with increasing sadness and feeling furious on your behalf Overtired

Excuse my language here, but your mother is being a disgusting, grade a bitch and your husband is a whining, passive-aggressive bully. No wonder you feel so exhausted and ground down. I don't blame you for wanting out and I think you and your DC will be much happier.

Please do continue with the counselling and contact WA as well.