Can somebody help me please - how do I make them understand???

[Overtiredmum]

I have been with my DH for 12 years, married for 7 and we have two beautiful children, DS 7 and DD 4. DH is a wonderful dad and a good husband, problem is that for the last year or so I have just drifted apart from him, to the point I am just so unhappy, we have finally separated.

This has only been since last week, and we are slowly starting to tell friends and family. The problem is I feel like I am beign ganged up on, no-one really understands how I feel and that I need to do whats best, which in everyone elses view is patch things up with DH for the sake of the kids! But thats the problem, I have been "patching" for the last year, now I just feel like I am barely surviving day to day.

Since having DS, I have worked evenings. I am fortunate that I have a good job which enabled me to continue my career, but working in the evenings, 5-11pm. DH works days 7am to 4pm, which meant we have never needed additional childcare. But also meant that we had very little time together. I have always tried to do the lions share of stuff at home, maybe a couple of times a week he will need to cook for DC, but apart from that I do everything, and then I go to work. My day starts at 6am and finishes about 12.30am when I crawl into bed.

For the last 4 months or so, everything has just gotten on top of me. Growing up, my parents had an unhappy marriage, splitting up on numerous occasions, my DF being always at work, my DM being the primary care provider. My DM made sacrifices for her own happiness, and they stayed together and are companions for each other in their retirement. But I watched this growing up, and can now see my life heading in the same direction. I have tried to talk to my mum about my feelings, but she is of the view that I should stay put, that I could never do any better, a companion is better than a partner and to "think of the children". I can see having a companion works for her, she is 65 - I am 38?

But that is my problem - I am doing this for my babies. For the last 4-6 months they are picking up on my unhappiness. DS is at school all day, but DD is home for 3 days a week - I spend whole days crying, with her drying my tears, telling me she loves me and it will be OK. Thats surely not healthy for her?? My DS has a nervous thing he does with his eyes, which he cannot seem to stop. I feel like I am being a terrible mum, I need to be happy, surely if I'm happy I will be a better mum?

Together as a family, the DC continually fight and argue, fighting for my attention and love.

So, I have broken DH's heart by asking for a separation. This was last Friday. He stayed at his mums for the weekend but came back every day. Every time he left, I felt a great sense of relief, the DC calmed down, played together great, and we had fun. Thats sounds awful I know. The minute he walks back through the door, I am uncomfortable, it is back to square one with the fighting and arguing. For the first time ever, he took them to the park at the weekend on his own, they loved it.

I am just so unhappy, and I feel I am being pushed into a corner. I have had some really dark days during the last few months, I have been drinking a ridiculous amount of alcohol. This past few days have been so tough, I know he doesn't understand, but I feel relief that he now knows at least, and I haven't even felt the need for a drop of alcohol.

I have made an appointment to see a Relate counsellor next week on my own, although don't really know what to expect. I just want to sit down and talk to someone who doesn't know me, or how great DH is.

I just feel drained. I am continually trying to explain that I am just so unhappy, that it is reflecting on the DC, and that I feel to be the best mum I can, I need to be happy, and if that means being apart from DH, then so be it.

Sorry - long and rambling, but needed to get this out of my head. I feel terrible for breaking the heart of a good man - but I have one life, don't I owe it to myself to make the very best of it for me and my DC? I love my DH, but more as a brother. We just returned from a 10 day holiday together, I had hoped the time together would help - but I felt like I was away with a stranger :(

So opinions please - am I doing the right thing?

In fact your mum can have an even shorter list.

I have heard absolutely nothing more from M since her visit last week. Can't say that I miss anything she has to say to be honest.

We are still going round in circles, H said to be tonight he that "will not be my doormat"! To which I replied "I wasn't aware that you were, I thought I had been a very good wife up until now, so cheers". Have also told him we are just going round in circles - which we are

Had a wobbly day, he seems to think I will let him walk away with everything financially, I am going to start drawing up a separation agreement.

I like the idea of a list - he won't stick to it though.

On the plus side - agent coming out next week to take photos and I saw a house that I might go and view

My birthday is next Thursday - gonna be a lonely old day for me, both DC are school, then they come home and I'll go to work

I didn't mean you let him know about the list. But it should help you stick to business. For instance, your qualities as a wife would not be on the list. It's not up for discussion.

As for your birthday, it doesn't have to be sad. Treat yourself to something different. Can you find an hour to try somewhere new for lunch?

Thanks Vivacia, I see what you mean. Yes I could try that re the list! I'll try anything at the moment

Yes I may try that for my birthday, am going out Saturday evening on my own as all my good friends are busy, and as DS birthday is a few days after mine, I'm going shopping for the evening to buy him some presents, and probably find somewhere quiet for a spot of dinner.

Yep, don't be sad about having a quiet birthday. It's easy to think everyone else's birthdays are full of fun and family and friends and surprise parties. They're not. Or at least, mine aren't(!)

Always just assumed it was a sign I was getting old! I'll be 39 next week, and starting life all over again - scary but I'll do it!

this is so sad, just seeing this thread for the first time. im so sorry you are going through all of us but i also worry you are doing the right thing. your husband sounds like he is willing to jump through hoops to make this worse. you both sound like you are in complete anguish about how you will survive once you separate. if i was in your position i think i would look again at my marriage, change my job to day job and try and rediscover why you married in the first place. sorry if im going against the grain here but it sounds like your children are starting to experience exactly what you experienced as a child, especially your dd. i read a lot of topics on here but this one has me choked. i hope you have thought everything through, the whole family sounds in pain.

• work!

Thanks for your comments, but yes I am stuck in limbo at the moment as I am waiting for my employers to offer me a day position. I am fully aware that my job has been instrumental in the collapse of my marriage but I do not feel there is any going back now

I do feel I am making the right decisions for me and DC x

good luck otm

Today has been draining. He seems to have moved on to a new "audience" of people he works with, and they have fired him up again. We had a blazing row in which again I had to tell him I am so unhappy and do not want to be in the marriage no more. His last stinging comment to be was "I've sacrificed alot for your job".

From my very first message on here asking for advice, I have said that my job has effectively ruined my marriage - spending no time together, apart from the odd 5 minutes as we passed each other through the front door BUT I have had to work. I had a choice to make - work days and give all my wages to a childminder or work evenings, have a decent wage and spend time my days bringing up the kids before they were old enough for school and running the house "like clockwork".

So thats the decision I made, I'm not saying it has been easy for him, having to spend his evenings on his own BUT to throw it in my face now I think is unfair. I have never thrown it in his face, that I earn considerably more than him, one of the perks to the sacrifice I had to make having a 20 hour day, but I never saw him complain when he was spending my wages

Thats my whinge for tonight - sorry

You're not whinging, OTM. He's acting like a bully, and his comment is a meaningless excuse.

Since you've done the work, brought up the children and kept house, and yet still found yourself the target of aggression, it seems to me that you have done all the sacrificing. You deserve some peace of mind now.

Unless you enjoy it, there is no need to get in to a row, blazing or otherwise. I wouldn't engage bit save my energy for what sounds like a very tiring time.

You are young enough to both have new, happier lives with other partners and young children adapt quickly. If you give it time and see the counsellor maybe you will be able to decide -
Are you actually just exhausted
or
do you need to leave because there is no possibility of working things out.
My husband wants a trial separation after 30 years - if you feel the same way do it now while you have many years left to find new happiness. Good luck, I know it is hard.

Another weekend looms ahead - I used to look forward to them, now I just dread them. H had the day off work today, to open a bank account, and continue the decorating. I managed to stay out of the house 90% of the time.

Am looking forward to tomorrow evening though. DS birthday is fast approaching so I am going on a little shopping trip, all on my own, probably about 5pm, Toys R Us for a couple of things he really wants, and then a walk around the shopping centre. I'm going to dress myself up abit and may even try and find somewhere for a spot of dinner, I don't like eating alone but I am getting quite comfortable in my own company.

Had a text from M tonight, not asking how I or the kids are, just telling me about my dad. He needs to have an operation to stop him from going blind. He has been told today that they cannot put him to sleep cos of his health and medication, so he has to decide whether he can have the operation or go blind. I feel awful, and like I should be there for him - but like he has for me?

H is still doing usual tricks. Last few days have been OK, seemed quite accepting of it all, but I do think he is still just trying to call my bluff xxx

If he is still pestering for sex, say 'But I am divorcing you and will never be having sex with you again.' and walk away. He's a failure as a husband, and you do not need his permission to get rid of him. Stay strong :)

He has asked once today, he still seems bewildered that I would say no!!

I prefer SolidGoldBrass' suggestion of spelling it out. And repeat.

Regarding your father, how about sending a card to him, letting him know you are thinking of him?

Have you got any counselling arranged? I don't know how you are managing without it.

I hope that you have a lovely time tomorrow afternoon.

I called Relate - still nothing. Called Gp re the NHS service and low and behold, they have lost the referral paperwork so will go back Monday to collect more

I've always been the sort of person to cope in a crisis, I just roll up my sleeves and get on with it. Somewhere along the way that person got lost but oddly I can feel her slowly coming back - thats good, yes??

H has told me I am not allowed to discuss new home with the kids, he says its unfair, but I want them to have a say in where they live, I want them to be excited - does that sound weird?

Do you feel excited yourself, about all of the possibilities your new future has?

Me? Does it sound bad if I say yes? I look at rental places and can see myself living in them and what the future may hold? That makes me sound awful doesn't it?

It doesn't sound bad, it sounds exciting. I was worried earlier on in the week that you were folding under the pressure.

Who is the rented house for?