Can somebody help me please - how do I make them understand???

[Overtiredmum]

I have been with my DH for 12 years, married for 7 and we have two beautiful children, DS 7 and DD 4. DH is a wonderful dad and a good husband, problem is that for the last year or so I have just drifted apart from him, to the point I am just so unhappy, we have finally separated.

This has only been since last week, and we are slowly starting to tell friends and family. The problem is I feel like I am beign ganged up on, no-one really understands how I feel and that I need to do whats best, which in everyone elses view is patch things up with DH for the sake of the kids! But thats the problem, I have been "patching" for the last year, now I just feel like I am barely surviving day to day.

Since having DS, I have worked evenings. I am fortunate that I have a good job which enabled me to continue my career, but working in the evenings, 5-11pm. DH works days 7am to 4pm, which meant we have never needed additional childcare. But also meant that we had very little time together. I have always tried to do the lions share of stuff at home, maybe a couple of times a week he will need to cook for DC, but apart from that I do everything, and then I go to work. My day starts at 6am and finishes about 12.30am when I crawl into bed.

For the last 4 months or so, everything has just gotten on top of me. Growing up, my parents had an unhappy marriage, splitting up on numerous occasions, my DF being always at work, my DM being the primary care provider. My DM made sacrifices for her own happiness, and they stayed together and are companions for each other in their retirement. But I watched this growing up, and can now see my life heading in the same direction. I have tried to talk to my mum about my feelings, but she is of the view that I should stay put, that I could never do any better, a companion is better than a partner and to "think of the children". I can see having a companion works for her, she is 65 - I am 38?

But that is my problem - I am doing this for my babies. For the last 4-6 months they are picking up on my unhappiness. DS is at school all day, but DD is home for 3 days a week - I spend whole days crying, with her drying my tears, telling me she loves me and it will be OK. Thats surely not healthy for her?? My DS has a nervous thing he does with his eyes, which he cannot seem to stop. I feel like I am being a terrible mum, I need to be happy, surely if I'm happy I will be a better mum?

Together as a family, the DC continually fight and argue, fighting for my attention and love.

So, I have broken DH's heart by asking for a separation. This was last Friday. He stayed at his mums for the weekend but came back every day. Every time he left, I felt a great sense of relief, the DC calmed down, played together great, and we had fun. Thats sounds awful I know. The minute he walks back through the door, I am uncomfortable, it is back to square one with the fighting and arguing. For the first time ever, he took them to the park at the weekend on his own, they loved it.

I am just so unhappy, and I feel I am being pushed into a corner. I have had some really dark days during the last few months, I have been drinking a ridiculous amount of alcohol. This past few days have been so tough, I know he doesn't understand, but I feel relief that he now knows at least, and I haven't even felt the need for a drop of alcohol.

I have made an appointment to see a Relate counsellor next week on my own, although don't really know what to expect. I just want to sit down and talk to someone who doesn't know me, or how great DH is.

I just feel drained. I am continually trying to explain that I am just so unhappy, that it is reflecting on the DC, and that I feel to be the best mum I can, I need to be happy, and if that means being apart from DH, then so be it.

Sorry - long and rambling, but needed to get this out of my head. I feel terrible for breaking the heart of a good man - but I have one life, don't I owe it to myself to make the very best of it for me and my DC? I love my DH, but more as a brother. We just returned from a 10 day holiday together, I had hoped the time together would help - but I felt like I was away with a stranger :(

So opinions please - am I doing the right thing?

It was nothing exciting really, a nice Wetherspoon pub on the front, chicken strips with bbq glaze, chips and coleslaw - and a very small glass of pinot

I am under no illusions at all that H will try and pull the rug from under me, yet again, but I just need to stay strong.

Even have an evening out planned Saturday with a good friend and a bottle of wine!

Nothing exciting? BBQ glazed chicken, fat golden chips and coleslaw... And a wee tot of Pinot, nothing exciting she says! A meal in peace Very exciting!

You do need to stay strong, and you will. Being prepared and keeping your eyes peeled is hard when you feel low but sunshiney times are on the horizon.

Saturday night on the razz, excellent choice. Good friend, good wine and big glasses who could ask for a better one?

You sound a mile better OTM. :)

You can do this! your DC will thank you for it too in the long run. Keep facing forward, it's going to get easier as time goes on

Definitely onwards and upwards. One day at a time ......

I couldn't have got this far without the support of everyone on here though, so a massive thank you.

Had a pleasant few days - bank holiday and half term next week - wonder what I have to look forward to??

Been back at work a week now, no major dramas but the exhaustion is already setting in after getting no more than about 6 hours a night. DD and DS are usually curled up in my bed waiting for me when I get home, which is lovely, but quite a squish for the night. I never realised how much DS thrashed around in his sleep - for a few mornings I woke up feeling like I'd been in a fight! And he loves a sing-song in his sleep, although I already knew that!

Am still waiting for work to come back with a day position for me, just got to sit that one out for now, nothing can really start happening until then. Am looking at rentals, but til I change shifts and sell the house, I'm still very much stuck.

H is supposed to be viewng a place tomorrow, and he still has his solicitors appointment on Tuesday, although I still wonder if he is using these as a smoke screen.

No news from M. She did text the other day - it just said "How are the kids?" which spoke volumes really - nothing since, and obviously I didn't respond. H swears he has had no contact with her, but to be honest, I don't care. Neither of them want to listen to what I actually need. If they were honest, they would have to admit that since being a mum, I have never made a bad decision which concerned the DCs, but I guess they never will admit that.

Off out tomorrow evening with a DF for a bottle of wine and a natter - can't wait!

So nothing much else to report. I have been trying to update, but my phone is rubbish and the MN system appears to keep going offline. I'm sure I'll be in touch at some point over the weekend with need for advice and an MN hug!

Thank you xx

You sound better still, OTM, despite the sleep deprivation! All in a good cause though.

And distancing yourself from your M has given you a much needed breathing space, it seems: you seem much more confident in your decisions, and much less upset by the shenanigans between her and your H.

You're doing brilliantly . Hope your weekend goes well

Totally agree with Wordybird.

If you were my DD I would be so proud of you & how you are handling things.
I am nc with my abusive parents, after initial relief, then struggles, then fog now I just feel so free. It's great.

Enjoy tonight!

Hi OTM, I have been following your thread closely and actually reread it a few times as I seem to feel exactly the same way as you do about your husband and marriage.

I had a horrible conversation with my mum earlier this week where she basically told me that my dad had been an awful husband (they divorced) and that I was lucky to have a lovely husband etc and that I should remember that I "have a committment to have these children that I chose to have"... I told her we had to agree that we had different views on the matter and that I would no longer talk to her about it but I cried for two days over that crappy phone call. Clearly if no dc were involved it would be a no brainer separation so she really has missed the whole bloody point!

My DH has worked away from home most of this week and whilst three dc versus me has been really knackering, I have been so much happier in myself and its been great. When he came back tonight I just went back into myself and feel utterly miserable. I've started talking about sleeping in separate rooms and it feels like the right move but every little step feels like such a massive one because I know how anti he is about all this.

Didnt want to follow your very honest posts without posting myself. I am watching on the sidelines a few steps behind but cheering you on nonetheless, you are doing really well. x

Grr, meant "commitment to these children that I chose to have"..

all going wrong xxx

Sorry to hear that... what happened?

I spent my whole day painting yesterday, just freshening up sticky/dirty finger prints, and achieved loads. His parents turned up and I even cooked them a roast, was nice to have their company. Then I curled up on the sofa, DS played on the computer and H went into a strop because "our marriage is in ruins, and you're watching telly?" I promptly went to bed

I wish I could say things are getting better, but I honestly don't think they are. I seem to take a few pigeon steps forward, and then a massive leap backwards.

DCs are doing great, although nothing has really changed yet. I need to change my shift to get back on days, then sell the house so I can clear most of our debts, and try and establish some kind of future for the DCs and me.

Today H went to see a solicitor. He didn't really say much, I said he didn't have to tell me what was said, but if the DC were discussed, then I had a right to know. He said they discussed the cost of divorce. He said the situation was explained to solicitor, the DC were mentioned about access/custody etc, and he said solicitor felt I was being more than fair with arrangements I have suggested. I think whats next really is a separation agreement, as he seems to have been put off the divorce route right now due to the cost - ha ha ha!!

I am at the moment upset most about my parents and their reaction to me. But even worse, H told me tonight that mother has text him asking if they can see the children tomorrow, knowing full well I will be at work. He has agreed and I hate that, but theres nothing I can do about it at all. I want no relationship with her at the moment. I have warned H though that in no way is she to belittle me in front of my DC, I won't have that. I've asked him not to discuss the situation with them either, but I fully expect him to tell them, make out like I am entirely to blame.

So, I'm sort of stuck in limbo - no way forward but I will never go back, I know that.

Lostwithoutacompass. Thank you for posting. Sorry you are going through the same. I am terrified of what the future will hold, I am scared of it going horribly wrong and I have to admit I made a mistake. But then how can it be a mistake if I am unhappy now?

Time without H is such a relief, I feel a nervous wreck when we're together, because I just don't know what he will say next.

I am dreading what will be said tomorrow whilst my parents visit, and just the fact that they have asked to visit WITHOUT me being there, speaks volumes really, doesn't it?

But, I guess if I can get through this on my own, I've proved my point?

Can you just imagine the venom M will spill tomorrow night?! I swear if she does anything like that, she will not see them again. She's voiced her opinion, I know she will just "fire" H up again

home to a nice cuddle with dd x

Hoping for steps forward today, think i am being overly optimistic

Optimism is good. You just hold onto that positivity dear girl.

just dread what M will have to say behind my back. I'm 38 FFS why do they make me feel like a child

Sitting at work, just wondering what the repurcussions of M visit will be tonight. DD has been walking around all day saying she doesn't like nanny and I just feel sick and anxious, I know full well that she will spend the time spouting toxic nonsense. I guess at least this time I don't need to listen to it, but then neither should me babies.

Sorry you are going through this OTM. You can't really control what happens tonight, all you can do is try to calmly deal with the outcome. Or at least, try to put on a calm front.

You said that time without your H is such a relief, which is something important to think of when you wobble. Life won't always be as stressful as this, but as with an illness ...it might get worse before it gets better.

You are getting there, day by day

Hoping the weekend is straightforward. Estate agent has been instructed, still painting and stuff, but hoping the house will be on the market in the next couple of weeks.

Dare I be optimistic?

So i won't have sex, which means I'm having an affair. Apparently it is impossible to just go off sex

OTM, you have dumped this man because you don't want to be his wife any more. Because he's been a rotten husband to you. It's totally reasonable not to want to let someone who is unpleasant to you stick his dick in you.His opinions don't matter. He is not 'right'. It's perfectly all right to bin him and disregard what he says, because he has not been a good husband.

I'm trying to keep the situation amicable and calm for the DCs, and its so hard. He gets arsey when I won't have sex, tonight, yet again, I've refused to share the bed with him, he gets arsey with that. I've told him to just do what is best for him now in terms of where he lives, divorce and all that, he then back tracks and asks if when I'm happy I will give it another go with him?! Its like he is trying to call my bluff, all the time

Would it be a good idea making a list of what topics are up for discussion (eg the children, the washing machine) and therefore that all others are not? Who you sleep with is no longer any of his business. If its not on the list you don't get in to a conversation. You could have a stock reply "I'm not discussing that with you" and repeat if necessary.

As for your mother, I would treat her as your children's grandmother and nothing more for now.