Can somebody help me please - how do I make them understand???

[Overtiredmum]

I have been with my DH for 12 years, married for 7 and we have two beautiful children, DS 7 and DD 4. DH is a wonderful dad and a good husband, problem is that for the last year or so I have just drifted apart from him, to the point I am just so unhappy, we have finally separated.

This has only been since last week, and we are slowly starting to tell friends and family. The problem is I feel like I am beign ganged up on, no-one really understands how I feel and that I need to do whats best, which in everyone elses view is patch things up with DH for the sake of the kids! But thats the problem, I have been "patching" for the last year, now I just feel like I am barely surviving day to day.

Since having DS, I have worked evenings. I am fortunate that I have a good job which enabled me to continue my career, but working in the evenings, 5-11pm. DH works days 7am to 4pm, which meant we have never needed additional childcare. But also meant that we had very little time together. I have always tried to do the lions share of stuff at home, maybe a couple of times a week he will need to cook for DC, but apart from that I do everything, and then I go to work. My day starts at 6am and finishes about 12.30am when I crawl into bed.

For the last 4 months or so, everything has just gotten on top of me. Growing up, my parents had an unhappy marriage, splitting up on numerous occasions, my DF being always at work, my DM being the primary care provider. My DM made sacrifices for her own happiness, and they stayed together and are companions for each other in their retirement. But I watched this growing up, and can now see my life heading in the same direction. I have tried to talk to my mum about my feelings, but she is of the view that I should stay put, that I could never do any better, a companion is better than a partner and to "think of the children". I can see having a companion works for her, she is 65 - I am 38?

But that is my problem - I am doing this for my babies. For the last 4-6 months they are picking up on my unhappiness. DS is at school all day, but DD is home for 3 days a week - I spend whole days crying, with her drying my tears, telling me she loves me and it will be OK. Thats surely not healthy for her?? My DS has a nervous thing he does with his eyes, which he cannot seem to stop. I feel like I am being a terrible mum, I need to be happy, surely if I'm happy I will be a better mum?

Together as a family, the DC continually fight and argue, fighting for my attention and love.

So, I have broken DH's heart by asking for a separation. This was last Friday. He stayed at his mums for the weekend but came back every day. Every time he left, I felt a great sense of relief, the DC calmed down, played together great, and we had fun. Thats sounds awful I know. The minute he walks back through the door, I am uncomfortable, it is back to square one with the fighting and arguing. For the first time ever, he took them to the park at the weekend on his own, they loved it.

I am just so unhappy, and I feel I am being pushed into a corner. I have had some really dark days during the last few months, I have been drinking a ridiculous amount of alcohol. This past few days have been so tough, I know he doesn't understand, but I feel relief that he now knows at least, and I haven't even felt the need for a drop of alcohol.

I have made an appointment to see a Relate counsellor next week on my own, although don't really know what to expect. I just want to sit down and talk to someone who doesn't know me, or how great DH is.

I just feel drained. I am continually trying to explain that I am just so unhappy, that it is reflecting on the DC, and that I feel to be the best mum I can, I need to be happy, and if that means being apart from DH, then so be it.

Sorry - long and rambling, but needed to get this out of my head. I feel terrible for breaking the heart of a good man - but I have one life, don't I owe it to myself to make the very best of it for me and my DC? I love my DH, but more as a brother. We just returned from a 10 day holiday together, I had hoped the time together would help - but I felt like I was away with a stranger :(

So opinions please - am I doing the right thing?

Oh OTM - that all sounds so horrible!

I'm glad you have cut your 'D'M off. She sounds very toxic.

Have you thought of alternatives to childcare? A cross between an au pair and a nanny, someone live in, would work perfectly for you if you have a spare room. That way you wouldn't be relying on your H for childcare and would give you the freedom to just get him out and away.

If he had his own place and you 'shared' care, then that would make it even more affordable as they would spend 1 or 2 days and evenings a week with him and you wouldn't need to arrange childcare for those days. However he needs to realise that you can manage just fine without him, and that these arrangements are to suit you BOTH and not just to make your life easier, before he would play ball by the sounds of it.

i have no room.for an au paor, may be an optiom when i move i guess. H has made an appointment to see solicitor. He firmly thinks cos i won't have sex i must be getting it else where, which is hilarious! When would i have time?! I'm either with dc durong day or worling in the evening

DOn't engage with him in discussing sex. Just repeat: THis marriage is over, so there's nothing to discuss, and walk away. Again: any aggressive behaviour from him should be reported and logged. He really is a shitbag, so don't feel guilty.

If I'm honest I am.using this thread as my diary of thoughts and feelings, hope thats ok. back to work tonight after 3 weeks off

This is your thread, you can use it however it works best for you. Everyone here is here for you and will be led by you. That sentence made me feel like I was about to breakout in some Abba...apologies, I def will not be singing at you.

As it's nearly half five I guess you are already at work. I know you missed it, be kind to yourself & good luck for re-entry.

It will only take a cursory look at threads here to see he is not an original thinker & you can suss exactly what he's up to. One thing you have that he doesn't have and can't bully or buy is MN - there is nothing new under the sun. Someone here will have the t-shirt & be able to see you through his shenanigans.
Take care tonight.

Well I'm at work and if I'm honest all I can think of is my babies. DD reacted horrendously when I left, clinging on for dear life, and when i called her she just sobbed

I've also realised that DS needs to dress for World Day tomorrow, needs to dress to represent a country? Any help gratefully received?!

I am really hoping that work will come to my salvation this week and offer me a day position very very soon, at least that way I can start to think longterm. The house needs to go on the market, look for somewhere to rent, start building a new life for me. I hate to think that my decision will harm the DC with having to split time between me and H, but I can see no other way round it. I hate to think that I have hurt H, I have never given him chance to fight for the marriage

I need to think positive, I know that, but its so hard x

Bumping

What about a white school shirt and school pinafore or skirt, impeccably ironed with a cub/scout neckerchief just like the African children who walk miles to school in the searing heat.
Sorry its so late! I'm a lurker who didn't get why you were bumping till now

boringly hes goong dressed in colours of french flag. Good positive start to the day ..... x

Voila ! Mum pulls another miracle from a hat!

xx

so far today i have killed the washing machine, broken my toilet seat and found proof that H was very involved on M verbal assault on me. Onwards and upwards

Well not really a bad day in all, apart from the washing machine, so an expensive day - just wondering whether the new replacement will become part of the custody battle?! At least I can joke about it all today!

Not really spoken to H much today, not really had a need to. His parents are visiting at the moment, so that could all change I guess? DD is struggling with me being back at work, but I am still hopeful that my work will offer me a position on days, which will help enormously, I just want to be home to be able to tuck them in and cook dinner for them and stuff.

No news from M. H swears she hasn't been in contact with him, but I do not believe that for one minute. But I am reaching a stage where I do not care. The heartache she has caused me, I don't think she can ever repair that, I look at DC and feel so sad for them, I don't want my actions to mean they cannot have a relationship with their grandparents.

Sometimes I feel physically sick at the thought of the future. At the thought of no relationship with my parents, the thought of times apart from DC and the lonely evenings on my own. I hate that I've never really given H the opportunity to repair the relationship, having been unhappy for so long, but I also know I can't repair that hurt for him.

But at the same time I relish the future, what it might hold for me.

Someone give me a hug??

No concrete advice but sending lots and lots and lots of hugs, as well as a great deal of respect after all you have managed to deal with.

So many "what-if's" flying around in my head, best not to them though, right?

I didn't want you to think you are talking to yourself OTM! I'm listening and I think you're making some great decisions. You are not stopping your DCs having a relationship with wonderful grandparents, you are protecting them from spending their childhood in confusion and their adulthood trying to make sense of it. Well done.

((Hug))

It's amazing how the mechanical stuff seems to pack up, just when we are having a tough time psychologically.

Please don't feel your H hasn't had a chance to repair the relationship. Looking at your OP again...You told us you spent whole days crying, and that your DD was comforting you. What did your husband do while you were so unhappy? And when you told him you'd had enough, all he did was tell you he wouldn't leave the home and that you needed to learn family values! .

His chance came and went long ago. Let him hurt a bit, you've been hurting long enough OTM.

I know, but it doesn't stop me from feeling guilty. What if the decisions I make now prove to be wrong? What if I do end up hurting my DC more than if I just stay put?

I feel bad because if he were honest with himself, I don't think I've been making him happy for a long time, but he refuses to see that and I can't make him. I feel like I am letting everyone down.

I have hardly anyone left really in RL, just a few friends. One of my closest has sided with H and the others are keeping a safe distance, which I understand.

Oh damn it! Have felt pretty good today, why now do I start to feel crap?! I need to cheer myself up!

Been looking at rental places, but not much point at the moment, until the house can go on the market. Agents seem confident they can sell within 2 weeks

What if the decisions I make now prove to be wrong?

For a start you'll never know. You will only know reality as you choose and experience it. In your shoes I would be weighing a happy mummy against confusion caused by an emotionally messy home life (comforting you...) and a grandparent trying to undermine the person most important to the DCs (you).

Now, once again, you are kind and caring and considerate and have all the support of MN around you.

Hi op. I am in exactly the same situation and no exactly how you feel. I have told my H this weekend that I can't do this anymore and want to separate. He is very angry at the moment but won't take any responsibility for why I feel this way. I have felt like this for 3 years, desperately wanting my feelings to change back to a time when we where so happy but they haven't and I have spent hours/ days/months with a churned up stomach, brain on loop "I'm not happy, I've got to do something" I've been to counselling to find out if it's just a fear if commitment but the end if the day I know deep down it's because the love has gone and it's gone because my husband treats me like shit. Nothing major- won't talk, criticises everything I do, won't go out for a pub lunch EVER, tells me to hurry up while shopping, on my back 24/7 but tells me to lighten up etc. anyway, it's come to an head and I can't do it anymore but my worry is the dc's. I am soooo scared of hurting my 4.5 year Ds. Please feel free to inbox me op, maybe we can support each other!

Why is this on your shoulders OTM?

What did the councillor say when you were discussing things? You said she told you you are taking on the whole blame and it takes two.
In my purely armchair opinion you are bringing it all to the table here, everything you internalised from your parents, all the views of your H - people that should be but aren't your friends. Have they ever given you a voice?

It can be tempting not to let the scales fall from one's eyes. It's scary, it feels like a betrayal (of you and by you) and leaves us feeling vulnerable and with some of our memories a lie. From personal experience the best thing I ever did was go no contact. My children were used, the relationship harmed them so that priviledge (and it is not a right) was withdrawn too.
It is for the best though, you don't have to be unhappy, you don't deserve it, your children don't deserve it and you can change it.
I'm sorry he's hurting - but he's had more time and chances than many to do his part in changing things and he hasn't. When you were honest with him what did he do?
When are you seeing your councillor next? I hope you continue to find her helpful.
Good work on the French flag by the way!

Damash12 - I'm sorry you're in the same situation, have you got your own thread? It's not a necessity but can be very helpful, the MN peeps are great

thank you everyone. just feel like i'm at a turning point, need to take the final steps but scared of taking it taking myself off for a walk today, blow some cobwebs x

Pleasant day - cobwebs blown, went for a nice coastal walk, bit chilly but definitely what I needed and then went and had a nice lunch on my own in a pub and read my book.

DC are both at school tomorrow too but need to concentrate on touching up and clearing the clutter from the house, hopefully I can start to think about getting it on the market.

H going to view a house on Saturday afternoon, and is apparently seeing a solicitor Tuesday to start divorce proceedings. Only time will tell

I really do want to thank everyone on here, holding my hand and making me realise that maybe I can do this, and this is right for me, and in the longrun the DC. Please stay with me though, this is probably my loneliest time at the moment!

MN at their finest! Thank you!

You can do it. You are never alone here either! I've had people hold my hand at 5am, 3pm, midnight you name it.
What I love about relationships is everyone gets on your team, sometimes the only thing that's kept me sane is knowing there is someone here who will talk to me, wait for me to stop crying or cheer for me.

Glad you had a good day, it's so windy here I thought my eyelids would flip inside out, no wonder it felt bracing and got rid of the cobwebs! Ooh pub lunch :drool:, what did you have?

I'm glad things seem to be moving in the right direction, be hopeful but keep your boundaries. It isn't beyond the realms that he is giving your chain a little tug, before reneging and trying a further assault when he thinks you're more vulnerable. Lets hope not. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst and all that!

Decluttering is good for the soul...bad for the back though but hey ho!