What does your DP do that drives you crackers (lighthearted)?

[Lottapianos]

When I was moving in with my DP 5 years ago, I asked an older colleague for advice about long-term relationships. She said that she had been married for 15 years, and sometimes she and her H were just so in love and life was a bed of roses. Then there were times when she could have murdered him for the stupid stuff he did, and it was even worse because the stuff that bugged her had been bugging her for 15 years!

That's the way it goes with me and DP too. Sometimes I absolutely adore him, sometimes I could scream kill him . Things that are currently irritating the living shit out of me:

• absolutely non-stop bloody singing and whistling
• leaving his hoodies and tracky pants draped over the chairs in the living room for days on end
• sneezing that sounds more like screaming and makes me jump out of my skin
• not turning the TV/radio/computer down when I get in from work so that I have to scream my response at him when he asks 'how was your day?'
• watching every single bastard program that's got anything to do with railways or construction or technology
• on days when it's his turn to cook, asking me what I want for dinner and then whingeing that anything I suggest is too complicated/expensive/boring/something else negative. WELL YOU BLOODY DECIDE WHAT TO COOK THEN!

He's really lovely and very sweet but at times my nerves take a shredding!
Come and share your gripes

Lottapianos, your DP's things are all about noise. I couldn't bear him. I often wish everyone would just shut up. DP is lovely and quiet.

HOWEVER

When he says something I didn't properly hear, and ask him to repeat it, he ALWAYS repeats the half of it I did hear last time, so still don't get what he actually said.

He hides dirty sheets in weird places and I think they are all clean because there are none in the basket and then I go to make up beds for guests and can't find them and ONLY THEN find them all rolled up in a ball somewhere. (I think he hesitates to puts things in the basket because he regards it as arrogantly issuing orders to DO LAUNDRY, WOMAN; which I would appreciate if instead he were doing it himself. Which I think he means to. but never bloody does)

Doesn't listen to me and then asks about things I thought we had discussed. The worst two of these were:

a. the hissed, angry conversation about controlled crying at 4am outside dc1's door while I had to physically bar him from going in. Up to that point he hadn't woken for dc1 in the night for over 9 months so as far as he was concerned there wasn't a problem so why couldn't I just go in and feed her?

b. the moment when I was 41 weeks pregnant, after a 6 week NCT course, and I had been busily and loquaciously planning a HB for weeks, when he turned to me and said, "so what will actually happen when you have the baby?"

Omg lurkingfromhome, we're married to the same man!

His complete and utter inability to hang cloth items straight. For e.g., I hang up laundry - shake stuff out, make sure things are as straight as possible so that they can dry quickly. DH - scrunched up against each other, even shirts hung on hangers have on sleeve inside out, the shoulders hanging half off, and is then mystified as to why stuff takes so long to dry. Or towels - the hand towel is kind of half folded over and hung on the rail, so as soon as anyone else touches it it falls off (same for kitchen towels). And his bathrobe, not hooked on the hooky thing so that it's hanging up straight, but completely randomly, sometimes even from the belt hook (what the jeff?).

Also, there is a laundry system, that I adhere to (because I implemented it). We have one basket for dark/black items, one basket for light items, and then a bag for delicates. DH does not manage to get it in either basket, but balls everything up together and puts it next to the basket. What severely pisses me off in regards to this, is that there is exactly the same system at his parents' house and he manages it there. But not at home.

He also eats all the nuts.

'Lottapianos, your DP's things are all about noise'

You are so right. My best mate said the same thing when I was moaning discussing his foibles with her one day. It makes sense - noise was a big issue in my family home when I was young and we would get bollocked for all sorts of noise, even knocking something over my accident. So I'm rather intolerant sensitive to having my space invaded by noise I may also have that misophonia affliction that I learned about on MN, where the sufferer gets disproportionately irritated by everyday noises. Poor me

omg, I thought my DP was the only person on the planet who left three peas or two chips. Why?! Why?! Why?! Why?!!

And, he does the leaving two pieces of rice, or a chip at the end of the meal. It's so weird, just eat it.

Going on CONSTANTLY about how skinny he is he's getting a belly because his mom told him he'd lost weight. If he had actually lost weight every time his mother said that, he'd be dead.

Pretending to be picky about food when reality he isn't, but I've wised up to this one. He'll be all "I don't like to eat aubergine, only courgettes and mushrooms" but then when you feed him the aubergine, he loves it and goes on about it for all eternity. Since I've met him, I've convinced him to eat lamb, aubergines, butternut squash, sweet stuff in salads, salad dressings that aren't classic french dressing, meat balls and a whole myriad of other foods. AND, he only says to me that he won't eat stuff, but if he gets served it at his parents' house, he eats all of it without comment.

This is hilarious.

DH is wonderful, but... is physically incapable of rushing. So if we're running late for something, it has absolutely no impact on the speed with which he moves. Most recently we were taking a train somewhere but were struggling to get out of the house on time to buy tickets so he said he'd go ahead and get the tickets. except... by the time I can zooming down to the station with DS in the pushchair he'd only just got to the ticket office. Drives me crazy.

He also has this weird obsession with cuttings his nails and inevitably, as Im' putting DS in the car to go somewhere he'll announce he just has to cut his nails.

Right now I'm a bit cross because he is a SAHD. Thursdays are my night to get home early enough to put DS to bed. but he's just rung me to say that DS is having a nap in the car. At 3:15. Which means it's unlikely that DS will sleep tonight until after 9. Bang goes my evening. [this last one is less light hearted and more of a genuine rant].

Also the stepping out of clothes thing. No woman I have ever met would take her knickers off and leave them wherever she happened to be standing - in the living room, in the middle of the bedroom. But DP loves to kick everything off and then leave it there, as if the invisible man has just disintegrated in the hallway.

Then in the morning he says, 'where are all my boxer shorts'? Because it's obviously my job to collect them, wash them, and put them back in the drawer.

Mine is so tidy...,.reflects very badly on me and the DC, its infuriating!

Takes clothes off in the bedroom and leaves them on the floor, then walks into the bathroom (where the laundry basket is FFS) to have a shower. Have asked him why he is incapable of picking up the clothes to take with him or undressing in the bathroom, but his brain can't cope with such co-ordination.

DP is obsessed with films and in particular this film critic Mark Kermode.
I curse the day I convinced DP to get rid of his "brick" and get a smartphone, because now he's constantly playing Mark Kermode's film reviews - in the bath / over dinner / in TV ad breaks / if we're talking and I even so much as nip to the toilet he sticks it on. This Mark Kermode has the most annoying voice EVER and what's worse, DP listens to the same reviews over and over again, like he's a bloody Teletubby!

What else annoys me? Hmmmm...
Eating food then putting the USED packaging back in the fridge
Leaving my hairbrush matted with his hair
Leaving his boots in the middle of the hall for everyone to trip over
Never unravelling the arms on clothes when he hangs them out so they don't dry
Getting on his high horse "I never go on facebook, it's such a waste of time" then being on facebook CONSTANTLY

I could go on, but I do love him to bits, so I suppose he's forgiven!

When I'm in the bath, DP comes in for a chat and to bring me a cuppa tea (cups of tea in the bath are the bestest things in the entire world), which is lovely but he always leaves the fucking door open and then gets all huffy when I tell him to close it.

He also insists on putting his hand (which is inevitably much colder than my bath water) in to touch some bit of me. This makes me cold and upsets my perfect equilibrium that my cuppa tea in the bath has created.

Oh BlingLoving mine is the same about rushing! He is totally, totally incapable of going somewhere quickly, or even at a reasonable pace. I always forget that it takes us 20 minutes to walk a 10 minute walk when we're together. And he loves to just slowly saunter towards the bus stop, even if a bus is coming, guaranteeing that we will miss the bus.

Do you know the palate test on MasterChef? Where John Terode cooks some fantastic and beautiful dish that the contestants have to try to replicate?

Just before John and Greg taste the contestants?' efforts, they show a shot of the one John cooked to reminder us how it should look.

And every single time DH says ?Oh, that one looks good?. Pretending he doesn?t know that it?s John?s not a contestants.

Every. Single. Time.

I have the opposite to Bling - DH has one walking speed in airports - breakneck. We get off a flight, and we have to sprint our way to the passport check to be the first ones there (even if I have a rolley suitcase which is a complete pain to run with). We constantly have people in London airports saying after us "wow, Londoners move very fast" as we make a dash to passport control.

There is a rationale though, to get out as quickly as possible.

BlingLoving and gertrudestein My DP is the complete opposite- he walks at a pace that's a jog for most people!! I struggle to keep up and so am always out of breath when we walk together- well, when he walks and I jog alongside like some derranged puppy.

Absy Sorry but I absolutely hate people who rush to be the first off the plane/through the desk in airports. Or anywhere for that matter. I have called them cunts a couple of times. Sorry if it was you

Bottledwater, my DH does that... Putting his cold hand in my monkey-hot bath to put his hand on my thigh. Gerroff! It gives me goosebumps and not the good kind.

Esther, do not speak ill of the fabulous Dr Kermode. He is fabulous and very hot funny and his reviews definitely do bear repeated viewing.

Shall we swop DPs?

mine has just retired and by god don't i know it. He is driving me up the wall . He used to work abroad 4 weeks away and 4 weeks home. Me, the fool that i was would let him have his 4 weeks home as a holiday. I have always done everything in the house decorating cleaning gardening etc. So now he is retired its one long holiday for him . ITS DRIVING ME NUTS and he is a messy bugger, dropping everything in his wake.

The "jokes" about always having to wait for me. I have to tell him we absolutely have to leave half an hour before we do, otherwise we'll never get there. I do the bulk of the packing while he plays on his iPhone, get DD ready, then he decides to spend twenty minutes checking he has all his gadgets while DD and I are all ready to go. By which time DD needs a drink / nappy change / snack and he is always waiting for us.

My DF was exactly the same

It probably was. We do it constantly. But, it's partly down to for e.g. the time we ended up waiting two hours in passport control in Gatwick when about 5 completely full flights arrived back at the same time and I had gastroentiritis (fun!) and habit. We always move very quickly.

I am literally weeping with laughter here.

It reminds me of how he never cleans his dinner plate entirely but invariably leaves half a broccoli floret / one chip / two baked beans / three peas / the tiniest nano-morsel of chicken on it. I have no idea why it irritates me so much that the last quarter of a mouthful of food is so beyond his capabilities. Just eat it and clean your plate, FFS!

He also stacks the dishwasher by, I can only assume, randomly throwing stuff in there and hoping for the best and ALWAYS ends up putting big plates in a place which means the spinny thing can't spin, so the dishwasher can't work properly. And then complains about the dishwasher

DH will leave for any appt/school/party right at the last possible minute so we arrive at the place bang on time !
He puts the rubbish next to the bin, dirty washing next to the wash basket, recycling next to the box AAAAARGH......but I love him dearly x