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Relationships

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Original poster

What is a good enough reason to leave a marriage? Please give your pov.

89 replies

MyNameIsSpecial · 16/04/2013 14:39

This is really sparked on by 2 threads which made me wonder.
Background: dull marriage, not fulfilling for me, big communication issues, no shared vision for the future any further than a 2 weeks hols in the summer. No emotional connexion.
But a stable environment for the dcs, financial pressures are minimal, no fights. We are co-parenting in a good way and DH is taking responsibility re HW and childcare.

I feel like I would be very selfish to want to leave and create such a mess/traumatic experience for the dcs for so little. After all, DH is NOT abusive, he is supporting us all financially. He is pulling his weight on re the dcs and HW. He is not having an affair. And he is trying his best to be a good husband and a good father.

BUT, I just long for someone who I would be able to share my dreams with. Someone I could talk about my worries re the dcs, parents, parenting etc... and who would be happy to discuss those subjects with me.
I want to be able to share someone else's dreams, to support them into it. To discuss their worries and emotionally support them in the same way they support me.

Is that a good enough reason to leave a marriage? Or am I in dream land and need to go back to reality?

OP posts:

newbiefrugalgal · 16/04/2013 14:46

What does your DH think? Is he happy?

Grass is not always greener
But
Don't stay on you are not happy, life is too short!!

worsestershiresauce · 16/04/2013 14:48

No, but it is good enough reason to start communicating and work on what you have. All marriages have stale periods, but if there is a sound basis you can get the spark back. I don't doubt you'd have a bit of fun with someone new, but that would soon evaporate when you brought the reality of day to day living, co-parenting etc into the mix.

Work on your marriage first, and invest everything you have in it. Then make your decision.

Original poster

MyNameIsSpecial · 16/04/2013 14:49

I have no idea if DH is happy or not.

And yes to 'grass is always greener somewhere else' which is why I was asking what would you consider a good enough reason to leave when there are no obvious fights in the house, no clear tension just plain dullness.

OP posts:

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 16/04/2013 14:50

How long have you been married, and how old are the dc? Sounds to me (nearly 30 years with dh) that you're going through a period of the doldrums, and have lost sight of one another. What first attracted you to this hardworking, loyal man? When did you last laugh together?

Original poster

MyNameIsSpecial · 16/04/2013 14:52

That's thanks to working on my marriage that I am there now, with no fights.
Before 'working on my marriage' there was a lot of tension!

So I am not sure what else I can do tbh.

I could try and communicate better but for various reasons, DH finds that extremely difficult (and it lead in the past to times that were even more stressed and difficult) that I don't really want to rock the boat again by trying to 'communicate'. DH just doesn't talk at all.

OP posts:

Original poster

MyNameIsSpecial · 16/04/2013 14:53

When did we last laugh? Really laugh? Years and years ago.... :(

dcs are 8 and 9yo so not so little any more (which has helped tbh)

OP posts:

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 16/04/2013 14:54

When you say "tension" and that you worked on your marriage, do you mean that you now tiptoe round so as not to upset him? Because that's a different dynamic.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/04/2013 14:55

When you say 'good enough reason' it's because you think the desire for an emotional connection and the ability to communicate and share ideas with your life-partner is somehow a selfish and unrealistic ambition.... It is neither. I also don't think this is a case of 'grass is greener' - you don't seem to have some big plan of the new life you want for yourself, no-one lined up waiting - more that you know for sure the grass where you are is dried up and tasteless.

'Dull' is a perfectly good reason to want out.

worsestershiresauce · 16/04/2013 14:56

My marriage hit the dullness factor too MyName, after 12 years together. I tried to improve things, my DH however went looking for green grass with someone else. He didn't find nirvana, and he inflicted some very deep scars in the process. We're together now, happier than before, but we both wish he'd made the effort at home first as when you marry for love, although the love can get bogged down but it doesn't always die.

Crinkle77 · 16/04/2013 14:57

There does seem to be lack of communication between you. If you don't talk to your husband about your dreams for the future how is he ever going to know?

badinage · 16/04/2013 14:58

In general, I would say if you're unhappy and the reasons for that are incapable of remedy then that is a good enough reason to leave a marriage. I also see time and time again on here that women especially believe a load of hogwash about it being 'selfish' to want to leave for a better or even existent, sex life. It is not selfish to want a sex life.

In the circumstances you're in, I'd try couples counselling before throwing in the towel. You've got nothing to lose by doing this.

Original poster

MyNameIsSpecial · 16/04/2013 14:58

Oh god, no tiptoe at all, quite the opposite. More about making boundaries very clear, clear signposts that some behaviour were not acceptable.
Not letting him get away with not feeling responsible of HW, dcs etc... as this was certainly a big No-No for me.
So we can now live together iyswim. But more like co-habiting people rather than lovers/partners?

I worked on our marriage because I have been the one to lead it all. DH followed. And tbf, did also put some effort in so that things are now running much more smoothly.

OP posts:

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 16/04/2013 14:59

He has to be willing to listen, Crinkle.

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 16/04/2013 15:01

OK, MyName, he sounds like a decent enough bloke. Would you prefer to improve your relationship with him, or to leave? That's really what it comes down to.

Original poster

MyNameIsSpecial · 16/04/2013 15:06

I know he is a decent man. But I can't see how I can improve things more than what we have atm.

He would need for that to share his thought and his desires/vision for the future. And he doesn't.
I used to share all that with him and have slowly stopped as I never got any 'feedback' from him.

So if I can't improve things, does it mean the only option is to leave? Is that fair on the dcs to put them in a situation where finances will be very tight. 2 homes and all the stress coming from that?

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/04/2013 15:15

I think it's a mistake to think you can 'mould' someone to be the person you want them to be. He's clearly a nice guy, you married him because he was 90%+ OK and maybe you thought you could work on the 10% that wasn't. That's invariably a vain hope. You've gone a long way to knocking some of the rough edges off him but he's still fundamentally the same guy. So if you've essentially married the wrong guy at some point you have to take a step back, stop trying to change him and cut your losses.

Is it fair on DCs.?.. probably not, they didn't choose their parents and they are not responsible for adult relationships. Would they cope if they had two homes and a happy parent in each? ... plenty do.

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 16/04/2013 15:15

Could you find someone else with whom to share these conversations you need to have? When dh and I were at your stage, (though the boys were slightly younger) I took up a hobby I'd always wanted to do, but had never been able to afford before. I joined an all-female group (because I wanted to spend time with women, not because dh made me) and just having the time "off", time to be me made such a difference to my feelings.

Plus I had "experiences" to talk about when I got home, much easier than "feelings" as a conversation-starter.

The thing is, with dc that age, so much of everything revolves around them, their schools, their pastimes, their feeding, bathing, laundering, endless bloody tidying up... it's easy for the adults to lose themselves.

As it happened, dh got interested in the hobby too. I've often felt it saved our marriage.

absentmindeddooooodles · 16/04/2013 15:17

I've split with my ds's father in the last year. Ds is only just 2. His dad is one of the nicest men I have ever met. Works so hard (too hard) always supported us and is a great dad. ( in the day so so crap at night) the thing is there was never any excitement. We were in such a routine that all the fun went out of life. Fundamentally we had similar opinions on a lot of things, and even enjoyed the same hobbies etc, but for me, once it really and truly hit that dull stage, regardless of the amount of trying, that was it for me. I totally understand where you are coming from with your dreams and ambitions too. Mine and exdps were different and his very unrealistic. You need to make sure you are happy too. If you think that you will be happy without him, then I think it's time to think about leaving. Your dcs will benefit from you being more content, rather than getting more and more down about the situation you are in. I hope it all works out for you x

VerySmallSqueak · 16/04/2013 15:23

It doesn't sound like you love him.

Original poster

MyNameIsSpecial · 16/04/2013 15:28

No I don't think I love him any more. I respect him. A LOT. But love has gone out of the way quite a while ago.
I thought that when we would have sorted all the tensions, love would be back. But it didn't.

I am not sure trying for another year or two will make a difference. If you can learn to love again.
I think DH still loves me though, in his own ways.

OP posts:

QuintessentialOHara · 16/04/2013 15:31

I wish I had your life.
Stability. No money worries. A holiday booked. Be glad there is nothing major to fix and discuss.

Trust me, turbulence does not make one happy. And who do you expect to sit and discuss the worries you have regards your kids? A New Love Interest? Do you honestly think that a mum of two pre teens can just swan off into the sunset with a new man who wants to discuss her parental worries?

themidwife · 16/04/2013 15:33

It's a tricky one because like you say there are no "grounds for divorce" but just a lack of fun & passion.

Could you have a weekend away alone doing something really fun that might get you laughing & communicating?

Original poster

MyNameIsSpecial · 16/04/2013 15:35

Quint you are raising the exact issues that I have re leaving.

But ... I feel I am slowly dying inside. I crave a decent conversation and shared times...

Arrgg.

OP posts:

themidwife · 16/04/2013 15:39

There must be a way of reigniting things. What did you used to talk/laugh about?

MorrisZapp · 16/04/2013 15:40

The thing is, you could leave this guy then never meet anybody else, let alone meet a wonderful soulmate.

That's the risk.

If he announced tonight (politely and sensitively) that he finds life with you dull, and that he's planning to leave - how would that make you feel?

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