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Relationships

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Original poster

What is a good enough reason to leave a marriage? Please give your pov.

89 replies

MyNameIsSpecial · 16/04/2013 14:39

This is really sparked on by 2 threads which made me wonder.
Background: dull marriage, not fulfilling for me, big communication issues, no shared vision for the future any further than a 2 weeks hols in the summer. No emotional connexion.
But a stable environment for the dcs, financial pressures are minimal, no fights. We are co-parenting in a good way and DH is taking responsibility re HW and childcare.

I feel like I would be very selfish to want to leave and create such a mess/traumatic experience for the dcs for so little. After all, DH is NOT abusive, he is supporting us all financially. He is pulling his weight on re the dcs and HW. He is not having an affair. And he is trying his best to be a good husband and a good father.

BUT, I just long for someone who I would be able to share my dreams with. Someone I could talk about my worries re the dcs, parents, parenting etc... and who would be happy to discuss those subjects with me.
I want to be able to share someone else's dreams, to support them into it. To discuss their worries and emotionally support them in the same way they support me.

Is that a good enough reason to leave a marriage? Or am I in dream land and need to go back to reality?

OP posts:

QuintessentialOHara · 16/04/2013 15:41

Your kids are so old - if 8 and 9 can ever be old - that you an dyour dh should be able to take some time away. A weekend trip maybe?

I think you first need to reconnect with him before you try connect with somebody else.

Do something crazy, like just book you and him in for Windsurfing lessons. Or a salsa course! (I have done both of this with dh) Facing humiliation and tripping on toes, as well as being scared of drowning is great for bonding.

Original poster

MyNameIsSpecial · 16/04/2013 15:48

If he was telling me he was leaving...
I would feel worried about my financial future, worried about the dcs, sad that this part of my life is ending and happy to start the new chapter.

It feels like it doesn't matter either way.

OP posts:

badinage · 16/04/2013 16:00

Ok what other interests and passions do you have in your life? Do you work? Do you have hobbies? Do you see friends regularly?

What's your sex life like? And are you sure there isn't someone else who's caught your eye and your attention just recently?

What do you think about couples counselling? If you're being straight with us, then this sort of scenario seems ideal for that. Not if there are secrets though.

BellyChancer · 16/04/2013 16:26

without reading the other posts I'd say that if the marriage makes you feel trapped and if you know you would be happier on your own, then you are entitled to end it. YOu don't need society's blessing or your husband's agreement, or understanding. You could go to counselling, talk about 're-igniting things' (but seriously, really???) or you could just value your own right to end something that is not right for you any more.

Original poster

MyNameIsSpecial · 16/04/2013 16:29

Yes I do work, I have my own business which doesn't pay the bills yet.
One good friend close by that's it. And people know/talk to buy I wouldn't really spend the evening with them iyswim.

Haven't the opportunity to follow my hobbies/passions for a long time. There isn't time. I work 2 evenings a week, out to do yoga one evening. DH put another evening for his own hobby and then put for the day every other weekend. If I start doing something for myself, then we really won't be spending any time as a family at all!

No sex life as such. Maybe once a month, twice at a push.

No one has caught my eye I am not sure I wouldind that but too sensible to do anything like that anyway

OP posts:

Salbertina · 16/04/2013 16:30

Only you can know. You do say about wanting to talk more to a partner inc. about dcs. Problem is no other partner is going to be half as interested in them as their own df.

overmydeadbody · 16/04/2013 16:31

MyNameisSpecial all those points you have mentioned would be enough for me to leave a marriage.

You only get one life, you are entitled to be happy in it, and only share it with someone worth sharing it with.

Ultimately it comes down to love (true proper real love, not just a feeling of co-dependancy that is mistaken for love like in so many cases). There has to be mutual love, and if there was love, you wouldn't feel like you do.

expatinscotland · 16/04/2013 16:31

What Quint said.

BellyChancer · 16/04/2013 16:32

Ok, people are warning you that you may never find a connection better than this, but it sounds like what you have is not a connection at all. I@m single and I don't believe that's going to change but I never felt as lonely as I did when I was with somebody who I couldn't connect with. Nothing exacerbates loneliness like having a person who is no company right there beside you, physically.

Go abseiling on your OWN!! What do you want to do? go and do it!? Don't try and turn him into the life companion he's not cut out to be. don't do anything forced or awkward like salsa lessons just because you feel you should. It'll just make that 'dying inside' feeling stronger.

I feel like being single has opened up a few more friendships for me. Not romance but more honest friendships with similar people.

Squitten · 16/04/2013 16:37

Have you actually discussed your unhappiness with your DH? What would he say if you sat him down and said "I am so unhappy. I feel like we are different people and have nothing in common. I'm actually considering leaving."

It sounds like you've written him off without giving him a chance to understand the problem and fix it.

overmydeadbody · 16/04/2013 16:38

I think if there is no love between two people there is no point in being married. None at all.

But the love might just need resparking, although it sounds like it won't in this case as you have already tried.

You both sound like nice decent people, who deserve to share their lives with people who love them. It is very sad to just cohabit for the sake of the children. They will be grown up in ten years and then what?

It doesn't matter how nice a person is, if you don't think of them as your sole mate, and you don't connect on a higher level, and you don't even know if the other person is happy, then you shouldn't be together.

badinage · 16/04/2013 16:41

Ok well you keep blanking the suggestions of counselling, so I'll assume you don't want to do that?

expatinscotland · 16/04/2013 16:43

It's worth at least talking to him when there are two young children involved. When you have kids, it can't be all about you.

And it might not be a bad idea to have a look in the Lone Parent section.

He might find another partner more quickly than you and you will need to deal with her in your childrens' lives.

I'm divorced myself, but honestly, it was a huge decision and we did not have children together.

overmydeadbody · 16/04/2013 16:45

Quint the OP never said she wanted turbulance, and leaving a marriage that doesn't have any love or true connection isn't going to lead to turbulance, not long term anyway.

And surely she has more to talk about that parenting worries? The OP probably has at least 40 years ahead of her in her life, that is a logn time to build new relationships and meet possible soul mates, with a lot more to talk about that just parenting worries.

overmydeadbody · 16/04/2013 16:46

Yes, you have to talk to him, honestly. You've got nothing to loose.

Can you see the love returning MyNameisSpecial?

MiniTheMinx · 16/04/2013 16:59

People have very high expectations these days. Is it because years ago people stayed local to where they grew up, retained larger social networks and lived around their extended family. I don't think one person can fulfil all needs. I like to chat to friends, we talk about how we feel, what the kids get up to. I like to talk to some of my mother's friends, who are like aunties, they tell me how it is, they are always honest with me. DP is always there, always dependable but he can't be everything.

No man is an island & one man can't be the island, the sea and every life raft.

Maybe fill your time with things that interest you, find like minded people to share hobbies with. Get in touch with old friends and cultivate new ones. They won't pay your mortgage or wade off shore to save your kids and if that is what your DH does well, maybe that's something good to focus on.

skyebluesapphire · 16/04/2013 17:15

I really think that you need to talk to him. If you were to announce you wanted him to go, would it be a huge shock to him? If so, then you really need to tell him how you feel, as it is not fair to him.

My friend and her now XH, had been married for 20 years and they had problems for years, but they both knew it and every few months they talked about it and tried to sort it out. In the end, she was approaching 40 and decided that she did not want to spend the rest of her life in a loveless marriage. She and her XH talked about it and decided on a way for him to move out and how to talk to the children about it. They now get on really really well and both have new partners.

My XH on the other hand, decided on his own that the marriage was over and walked out with no prior warning which has caused me huge emotional problems.

So please do the decent thing and talk to him, to see if you can resolve things, or if you have to split up. Some counselling would help too, even if you are splitting up.

coalbunkersareblue · 16/04/2013 17:28

OP - sounds like you have a full life but are still lonely in your marriage.

I'm in a similar boat. I'd echo talking to your DH honestly - his reaction might surprise you...

BellyChancer · 16/04/2013 17:28

I think he sounds like a decent guy, and the fact that he meets you half way with the housework and childcare probably means that you could co-parent well after a split. You'd have time to yourself.

Posters are saying that it's to do with expectations that are too high. I don't think it's that. It's just that feeling that this is not making me happier, it's making me sadder. You don't have to list reasons. YOu just know that it's making you feel worse not better.

BellyChancer · 16/04/2013 17:29

coalbunkersareblue, so, what did your husband say? did he agree that he was bored / disconnected / trapped?

MiniTheMinx · 16/04/2013 17:45

I'm not saying it is the case with Op that her expectations are too high, I'm just putting forward another angle to think about. That's all. Only Op knows if she can be happier filling her life with lots of other people, friends, hobbies and interests. Some people need more than that. I am just thinking that we have become accustomed to expecting quite a lot, be in holidays, houses, romance.........the list is endless. Is that good or bad? I don't know and is there a right or wrong answer anyway.

Thistledew · 16/04/2013 17:54

I think you have to decide whether it is your life in general that you are finding dull, and your DH is just part of that, or whether you find your life completely fulfilling apart from your DH.

If it is the former, then you need to take steps to make your life fulfilling for yourself before you consider a split. You can't rely on anyone else coming along to make it fulfilling for you.

If it is the latter, then you have to weigh up the benefits of going it alone with the opportunities that could bring, with sticking with what you have and trying to find other ways of fulfilling your needs.

coalbunkersareblue · 16/04/2013 17:55

No - my DH basically changes the subject whenever I try to talk about it and just pretends like everything is normal when it's so obviously not.

I should add that I have been having an affair which he knows nothing about so am FAR from innocent but sometimes I get so upset that he doesn't even care enough about the marriage to try to address the fact it's going down the toilet.

Original poster

MyNameIsSpecial · 16/04/2013 18:01

I have had counselling myself at a time when I as thinking of getting divorced. It has helped me to see I wanted to really give it another go. One of the things I decided at the time was that I wouldn't leave out of anger. Which I am really happy I have done tbh.
At that time I asked DH about couple counselling but he was against it. Didn't see the point of talking to a stranger of our problem as how would he/she know anything about us?
Beside DH is struggling to express/say anything anyway so I can arrowhead would find that extremely hard to do.

OP posts:

juneau · 16/04/2013 18:05

Thing is, you could break up and not find anyone else. Would being alone be better? If you improved your social life (and as your DC get older this will become easier), could people other than your DH fill that gap in terms of sharing dreams, visions for the future, interests, etc? I think it's hard to find one person who fulfils our every need. That's why most of us need family and friends and a partner and acquaintances, colleagues, team-mates, whatever to make us feel complete and rounded and happy. You sound rather socially isolated and it makes me wonder if because of that you're feeling the gaps in your DH's personality more than you might if you had a good social life and good friends of your own.

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