What is a good enough reason to leave a marriage? Please give your pov.

[MyNameIsSpecial]

This is really sparked on by 2 threads which made me wonder.
Background: dull marriage, not fulfilling for me, big communication issues, no shared vision for the future any further than a 2 weeks hols in the summer. No emotional connexion.
But a stable environment for the dcs, financial pressures are minimal, no fights. We are co-parenting in a good way and DH is taking responsibility re HW and childcare.

I feel like I would be very selfish to want to leave and create such a mess/traumatic experience for the dcs for so little. After all, DH is NOT abusive, he is supporting us all financially. He is pulling his weight on re the dcs and HW. He is not having an affair. And he is trying his best to be a good husband and a good father.

BUT, I just long for someone who I would be able to share my dreams with. Someone I could talk about my worries re the dcs, parents, parenting etc... and who would be happy to discuss those subjects with me.
I want to be able to share someone else's dreams, to support them into it. To discuss their worries and emotionally support them in the same way they support me.

Is that a good enough reason to leave a marriage? Or am I in dream land and need to go back to reality?

Agree that talking and communicating on that sort of subject with someone who doesn't talk make it a very one sided conversation.

I remember one day asking him what he wanted me to change so things could be better. One thing. He had a big pause and then said 'could you close the door when yo go in the garage?' I was talking divorce fgs!

So yes whilst I agree that talking to him is the most sensible idea, I just have no idea how to get on about it. Closing that door doesn't help with improving our communication.

Sorry, realised I just said what a few others have already.

Juneau while she may never find anyone else, at least she will be able to find out! If she stays in a loveless unhappy marriage she will never know and never be giving her or her partner the opportunity to find someone else who they can love properly.

It is not good just to 'settle' because you might think "well I might never find anyone else anyway".

I would rather be single for the rest of my life than live with someone I didn't love and couldn't communicate with. At least if I was single I wouldn't have regret in my life and could focus on finding contentment.

Oh dear MyNameisSpecial, it sounds like he just isn't the person you want him to be, or want a partner to be. His idea of communication sounds very different to yours.

The thing is, people shouldn't have to change (not fundamentally anyway) in order to force a relationship to work.

over I know. That's why I asked 'Would being alone be better?' Because some people spend their whole lives looking for someone who will fulfill their every need and share their hopes and dreams and don't find them. So is settling for this man better than being alone, or not? Is leaving worth the gamble that she may find someone to share those things? Only she can decide.

Yes like others have said, you may well not find anyone who does want to talk and connect and share dreams. You could be on your own for years, or never find someone or alternatively end up with someone worse than your current dp.

I left a long-term relationship and have loved the feeling of independence and freedom which is so much better than being with a partner that I couldn't get close to. You have to weigh it up. He is obviously not a bad person. But you are not going to get excitement and passion here are you? I got a taste of that in a brief relationship recently and it is wonderful - but you are on a rollercoaster of emotions. You do feel alive though!

Oh I so feel your pain mynameisspecial.

In a really big conversation with DH about our marriage 8 weeks ago I asked him the same question - "what do you really want from the relationship and what could I do that would make the relationship better for you". His answer "shag me" followed by a teenage boy style laugh.

It is hard isn't it but I definitely don't think you should settle. It's very easy to give that advice though and very hard to actually do it and turn away from what is essentially "ok". ESPECIALLY when there are DCs involved.

How long have things been like this? Do you think they could change?

Hmm, what are these dreams everyone is reaching for.

Most people's dreams are have happy healthy dcs, a good marriage and interesting job. Don't you already have that OP?

And if you have, perhaps, more adventurous dreams, are they really attainable??

Possibly DH is not your perfect match but I feel you don't quite know what you are reaching for, so dumping him could be a big regret.

what do you really want from the relationship and what could I do that would make the relationship better for you

Coalbunkers, not sure I would know what to reply to that either.

Please! stop telling her she may not meet somebody ELSE, as though that were the deciding factor wrt stay or go!!!!

I have had one relationship in about 6 years, I'm happy out of relationship though.

Trust your FEELINGS op, you don't feel happy. That is valid in itself without further explanation or analysis or comparison.

therumpus.net/2011/06/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-77-the-truth-that-lives-there/

sorry, posted too soon.

i think you should all read this

therumpus.net/2011/06/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-77-the-truth-that-lives-there/

tessa what a very interesting reading. And yes I can see myself in those letters too, esp the first two.

springdiva, no actually I wouldn't say I have a good marriage. For me a good marriage is suppose to make you happy. A good marriage is where you support each other through the ups and down of life. Not just living with a man that is helping financially and with the HW.
If I thought it was a good enough marriage, I wouldn't posting.

What I am trying to sort out in my head is: is what I consider a not good enough marriage actually a good enough marriage and shouldn't I be contented by that?
I know that what I have would be plenty for a lot of people. So is that OK for me to ask for more than that?

Oh btw, thanks for every single of your answers. Whatever they are. You have all articulated some aspects of what has been going through my mind but seeing it like this, said by other people, sometimes in different words does help me clarify my ideas.
So thank you.

If you don't think it's a 'good enough' marriage then it's not, is it? It doesn't matter whether other people would settle for what you have. You don't want to.

I think it's worth seeing if he'll go to counselling (and he might if he thinks it's the last chance saloon) but what you seem to be saying is that he's never going to be the sort of partner you want. He probably hasn't changed, but unless you knew you were short-changing yourself when you married him, chances are you have.

It's true you might never meet someone who fits your ideal, but if you part amicably then you would be giving each other the chance to do that. Truth is, although he might not know it now, he'd probably be much happier with someone else too. But in general, I think people leaving long relationships would benefit from being single for a while and not be in such a rush to couple up again, especially when they've got children who are dealing with the upset of divorce.

I don't think you're being unrealistic or seeking an ideal that doesn't exist BTW. I'd hate to be in a relationship where I couldn't share dreams, didn't ever laugh and was bored to tears. Nor do I think children are best served from seeing such a sterile relationship as an example of marriage.

I think that it's a good enough reason to leave when you know that in the medium to long term you would be happier single.

The deciding factor for me would be "how well would he divorce ?".

In a low tension, functional, stable (albeit not at all personally fulfilling) family setting I personally would be loath to risk the loss of that for my kid if I thought my partner might go from "not giving me the opportunity to be happy or fulfilled in our relationship" into "actively making me unhappy via my kids pain cos they are now in a high tension disintegration zone".

How do you think he would react if you said it is over ?

Would he be "oh well, we tried, let's put as much effort into divorcing well and co parenting excellently as we did into trying to sort out the marriage"

or

would he be "I made the changes you wanted, and it's still not good enough, you've chucked it back in my face, I'm hurt, angry and in no mood to think past my pain even for my kids' sakes"

or...something else ?

I don't think money being tight or flowing is anything like as important as the above consideration, kids can get over a belt tightening better than they can get over one (or more) of their parents breaking down for an extended period or falling into anger and pain, thus making the divorce and subsequant lack of good quality coparenting a total minefield for the kids.

I personally wouldn't risk the latter, on condition that the exisitng parental relatinship and family stability/atmosphere was calm, functional and not high tension (by which I mean stuff ranging from screaming rows to quiet but deadly vicious acidity abound).

I could live with me not being happy and fulfilled in a romantic/marital relationship better than I could live with my kid being the unintensional collatoral damage of my seeking the potential opportunity of being happier and more fulfilled on a personal level. But that has more to do with my personal history than anything else. I certainly wouldn't be comfortable perscribing it for all of the people, all of the time. I think as individuals we have to look at the unique aspects of our family's strenghts, weakness, needs and wants and make a calcultion based on those highly specific and individual factors.

Op- i disagree that a marriage/dh "should make you happy". We are responsible for our own feelings, attitudes etc no one else can be. That is not to say that you should stay either.

OP you sound very lonely. Not being happy is a legitimate reason for ending a marriage, but the risk is that you divorce your dh and continue to be very lonely, just with the added complication of managing life post divorce.

" Is leaving worth the gamble that she may find someone to share those things? "

I can't believe how many people are sounding like bad life insurance salesmen.... Rejecting something/someone you know to be safe but wrong is not taking a 'gamble' on the future but asserting yourself in the present. And of course a marriage or partner can contribute to someone's happiness. It's painfully obvious when the reverse is true.

Ending a marriage, especially one with children, needs very careful thought but being unhappy is a perfectly legitimate reason to call time.

yes, being alone is definitely better than being in a miserable relationship. you will ironically feel far less alone.

people sayinng 'oh but you may never meet somebody better' they sound like they would cling to any half decent raft, and OP that doesn't sound like you

Cogito+1

I left my marriage because my ExH was a verbally emotionally and (to the kids) physically abusive drug addict and alcoholic. You dont get a much better 'reason' than that. I am a million times happier now and have a lovely DP. I don't regret leaving for one minute

BUT there are sacrifices for me and the kids, and huge emotional fall out for me, the children and the wider families. I have been separated almost 3 years now and the ripples continue. Divorce is not something to be undertaken lightly like changing a pair of socks.

I think you should work hard at your marriage and that includes couples counseling, telling your dh that you are/have considered leaving; work on yourself - be honest with yourself.

I wonder if you have already decided you are going and are looking for support here ? If you are truly miserable WITH YOUR H then ok - but I think you are expecting to much from one person...

Expecting too much?... dull marriage, not fulfilling for me, big communication issues, no shared vision for the future any further than a 2 weeks hols in the summer. No emotional connexion.

Being able to communicate with your life-partner, having an emotional bond, and being able to talk about future are all givens, surely, not some big pie in the sky expectation? Fulfilment is a personal development matter that someone else can't engineer on your behalf, but if the OP feels held back or unsupported because the DH doesn't acknowledge their dreams or talk about plans, then they will be extremely frustrated.

Certainly no decision on my side but this thread has helped a lot to see that I actually don't need any other reason than 'I have given all my best shot but this isn't working for me'.

The question about 'How well will he divorce?' is actually a good one too that I hadn't though about.

And the thing about 'You can't ask your partner to make you happy. It has to come from within'. What comes clearer now is that I don't expect him to make me happy but his own unhappiness stops me from being happy isywim. He wouldn't put that down to our relationship though. That I am pretty sure.