Please help me-is this emotional abuse?

[blueballoon79]

I have very recently split up with my boyfriend.

He was very jealous and would accuse me of cheating all the time.

He would call me names and then tell me he was only joking.

There was never any major physical abuse, just lots of little incidences which would hurt me and leave me questioning myself contantly.

He told me I was too sensitive, that he's just joking, that I twist his words and that I'm trying to start a fight whenever I try to discuss the incidences with him.

I'm going to describe one very recent incidence below which is minor but adds up to yet another of a long list in ways that he made me feel pathetic, scared and useless. I'll refer to him as ExP in the example I give.

I have recently moved house.

My new neighbours were having some work done in their house and the workman was outside my house sawing some wood.

ExP came downstairs after spending the night at mine (we didn't live together) complaining about the noise being made. I replied that yes, it was quite annoying but that it was in the week during a daytime so not a lot we could do about it.

Exp then said "The cheeky bastard is parked in your parking space too" I said yes I knew but seeing as I don't drive and don't have a car, it wasn't an issue and nobody was visiting me that day who'd need the space otherwise I'd ask him to move it.

Exp said that wasn't the issue, he shouldn't be in my car parking space- he was pacing around angrily at this point and raising his voice and I was worried my neighbours or the workman would overhear.

I told him again to calm down and that none of it mattered.

He then said "He's making a right fucking mess with sawdust all over your doorstep, I'm going to go out and have a word with him and tell him to clean his fucking mess up"

I begged him not to and said the wind will just blow it away even if he didn't tidy it up and that I wasn't bothered anyway.

He then lost the plot and started shouting that he was going to beat up the workman and the neighbours and make them think again about what they were doing.

I got angry with him at that point and told him it's not his house anyway, he doesn't live here and asked him if he REALLY thought that a bit of sawdust was worth beating someone up over!

He then started saying "Well, my Mum wouldn't just sit back and let people take advantage of her, she'd be straight out there saying something".

I told him I wasn't his Mum, that I don't agree with how his Mum handles situations anyway and that again it wasn't her house.

The whole time I was terrified the neighbours could hear.

I ended up going upstairs and crying and not knowing why I was so upset.

He DID go out and said to the workman that this is OUR house and he's in OUR parking space and that he worked as a builder and wouldn't dream of making a mess on someones doorstep and that the workman needed to sort it out.

Sorry for the long essay, it's just this incident in particular has been going round and round in my head and I'm wondering if I'm just being dramatic.

Agree with people who come out of the woodwork - many people look away because it makes them feel bad for getting involved, but they are so relieved when you realise and will jump in on your side.

Some people might find it difficult to help if they feel your situation is the same as theirs - if you point out its worse and you need them they usually step up.

FWIW you don't struggle with low self-esteem, you keep having your self-esteem attacked by wankers. You have a memory of high self esteem otherwise a. you wouldn't feel bad about having it squashed and b. wouldn't still try to give out when others aren't giving back because your moral position is that giving and sharing is good human behaviour - it is, but sometimes it has to be shut down with people like your ex now and the one with the knife.

Don't blame yourself for their attacks - they would make anyone feel temporarily drained..

bad for NOT getting involved obviously..

FWIW you don't struggle with low self-esteem, you keep having your self-esteem attacked by wankers.

^ This!

Yes, you're right. The horrible thing is I've never had a relationship that hasn't been abusive.

I've had six serious relationships in my life and all have been terrible in some way.

It's partly my fault for being afraid of being alone and jumping in too quickly and not leaving soon enough.

I've made a pact with myself to remain single for at least a year.

I just want to add, thank you to all of you for your help. I don't think I can properly get across how touching it is to have complete strangers show so much care towards you. You've all helped lift me out of a very dark place that I've been in today. Thank you.

Don't worry - everyone does this - relationships are hard and the more caring/introspective you are the more you feel bad about how you handle them. I think staying relationship single unless you really really can't resist is a great idea - you can have 'things'. Some of my favourite experiences have been 'things' where someone has said 'Can we just be one step shy of serious'

I hope this is the right vid - makes 'alone' feel just how it should

also FWIW - even if you do jump in too quickly, or don't leave soon enough, that is a separate maturity thing that you can think about and manage - its NOT the same as the issue about seeing hope for wankers, that's an expression of how strong your belief in people is, its just that the wrong people have been taking advantage.

It may be something simple like they can see this amazingness in you and feel threatened that they can't drag it down as easily as they'd like.

Thank you for sharing that video, it was beautiful and really made me think. When I was younger I spent a lot of time alone- but happy with it. I went for long walks, drew a lot and painted a lot and was comfortable being alone.

I've lost that now and I'm going to do my best to get it back.

Cool - and you should be with a man who likes that about you. Its not weird to be yourself and be in love or to be alone and waiting for a nice one

I suppose this is where you ponder about how you can find people like you .. please get into these circles again as it sounds like that's where your soul is - no wonder you were unbalanced by people without one..

brave of you to try the wilderness for a bit though.. don't see it as too negative you are obviously a bit of an adventurer.. ;)

I really feel for you. It was that line about sitting in the house in the dark, I've done that. I know what it's like - it doesnt seem that bad somehow until you write it down or tell someone and then it all sounds so awful. But that's the reality. Relationships with men like that are truly awful. Thankfully my exdp gave up and moved on a couple of years ago. Hope yours does the same.

I'm going to pm you.

If you don't feel safe you can apply for an injunction. You would get it as he is harassing you. It doesn't have to cost anything and there are different ways of doing it, you can even go to your local Magistrates court, fill in a form and do it yourself! Rights of Women is a v good website to find out more about how to do this. You do need to take this seriously as now you have left him he has lost his control of you and it's often at this point the abuse escalates. Take care of yourself and involve other agencies. You don't have to go through this alone...

I feel terrible now.

I turned my mobile on as I needed to retrieve a friends mobile number from it to call her.

There were numerous texts from him all saying how much he loves me and wants to be with me and how he's missing me so much.

Then my daughter asked me this morning when could we see him again (she's only 4) and I had to tell her we wouldn't be seeing him again and she was crying and saying she wanted to see him and I didn't know what to say.

He was always brilliant with my daughter and I feel like I've let her down now too.

bb79 - good morning :-)
It is hard, very hard. Hard to stick to your guns and your decision, especially if you dont have much support and are feeling vulnerable. I have been here. In fact I am 5 weeks NC and just recovering, have been crying this morning, but i KNOW it is the right decision. Can you get another mobile number or block him? you need headspace to get stronger. Dont give in to it as the cycle will start again.. he doesnt love you, he called you a fat c**t remember? long term he will play havoc with your confidence and he is not a good example to your daughter. He sounds like he is good at "acting".
You are doing the opposite of letting her down, you are setting her up for a better future and your experience will also help her..stay strong, come on here, keep talking..

No, he wasn't always brilliant with your daughter. You told us above that he shouts around your children and scares them.

They would NOT be immune to the kind of treatment he meted out to you. If he hasn't turned on them before, it would happen at some point.

They do NOT need someone who calls their mother a fat cunt in their lives, or shouts threatening abuse through their letter box. Don't you think that scared the crap out of them?

Your DD is 4. It's actually a bit disturbing that she might already have been learning to appease him and perform subservient adoring-type behaviour to keep on his right side. Do you want her to grow up having to do that?

Listen to what you said above:

Major events happen and I leave him for it, then he acts the charmer promises he's changed and I stupidly believe him.

He's turning on the charm now because the threats aren't working. He can see you're getting away. He'll be back to shouting at you and calling you a fat cunt within days if you go back now.

You know this.

For the sake of your children, please do NOT fall for it again.

I also think you should change your mobile number, and your landline. He's still successfully manipulating you.

I've just remembered this bit:

He also is often picking arguments with my son or invading his personal space and when my son asks him to leave him alone he gets in a huff and starts saying my son is rude and ignorant and that I don't raise him properly.

So in fact he has already turned on one of your children. Your DD would be next.

Sorry to hear that, I know that it feels bad to see a little one upset, but really do you want her to grow up into his mother, thinking that going mental and threatening everybody around them is a. normal b. what she should seek in a boyfriend and c. the only thing she deserves around her?

Stay strong, and explain that although he was nice to DD, he was sometimes very nasty to you. Don't pull punches - the adoption services say that if you sugar the pill of ex partners, they will build up a fantasy of a secret nice man.

You haven't let her down.

1. You will be much stronger, more giving, nicer, better for her development, calmer etc if you are not with/around Wanker
2. You will stop her learning that women are stupid, weak, pointless, unimaginative etc etc just because that is what he wants her to think
3. It is very traumatic for a child watching someone else be treated badly
4. And she would grow up trying to fix things she can't control and it would be very stressful for her
5. Inevitably he would lose his temper with her, use her against you, probably she would have to hear that 'mummy is crazy' and all sorts of nasty BS whispered in her ear.
6. Did I say this already? She will grow up with a healthy happy mummy, who has time and attention to give to her from a position of strength. that is worth MILLIONS..:)

You will have saved your daughter from trauma - she can't understand that, but she will benefit.

i agree with MBL
the nice/nasty behaviour really plays with your mind and you get to the stage you cant see the wood for the trees. You get caught up in the romantic illusion of how it started out. The reality is different.
These men seem to follow a script...
stop it now or it will go on for months/years, nip it in the bud and move on as best you can.. it may be difficult at first but long term it is the right decision

You're all right. Thank you.

I admit I did feel my resolve slipping away.

He has been awful to my son in the past and said awful, hurtful things about him which have been untrue and have broken my heart.

You're all right about my daughter too. I don't want her growing up around him, or thinking that his ideas are correct.

I have always brought my son up to respect women and to realise that they have the same ability as men and to treat people with kindness etc. Well my exp knows how important it is to me that he is raised this way yet constantly tried to undermine it.

He'll say stupid things to my son like "boys are better than girls aren't they?" and rubbish like that, but the worst was when he told my son that when he was 18 years old he'd take him out drinking and to strip clubs. I told him he would certainly NOT be taking him to strip clubs and he turned on me and said "you can't keep smothering him and controlling what he does".

That's another thing he does all the time. My son has a lot of extra needs due to his disability, so certain things- he can't do alone. My exp would always say I was smothering him by not letting him do these things- I'm not, I'm only stopping him doing things that wouldn't be safe.

When my son falls over I always rush to help him get up, as it's embarrassing for my son when he falls and also because I don't like him lying on the cold, wet ground struggling. Exp always said I was smothering him by doing this and that he'll never be able to walk properly if he isn't pushed.

That really annoys me as I have supported my son through major surgery, through endless physio and he is now able to walk a little after being told he'd never be able to. I've had to tell him repeatedly I'm doing what is best for my son and calculating all risks in the best way possible after consulting with proffessionals etc.

Sorry for the rant, I felt a fresh wave of rage just thinking about it all!

He sounds utterly fucking horrible. Your poor DS. The "smothering" argument is almost certainly a load of bollocks. I bet he knows perfectly well your DS would get hurt if you didn't provide the extra care. He knows and he wants it to happen. He likes to see people hurt.

You're back on track though. Remember that rage! And please consider changing all your numbers.

I have a friend coming over to see me today who's going to have a look at my mobile to see if I can block his number- I'm hopeless with technology!

I did what you all suggested and really reached ou to my friends and told them how much I'm really actually struggling right now and they're all rallying round.

I'm meeting up with my friend today, then another friend tomorrow evening and then on Friday there is a residents coffee morning for our area which I'm going to force myself to go to.

I'm hopeless at meeting new people as I've never let myself step out of my comfort zone. I want to change all that.

Well done again People are usually lovely if you let them be, aren't they.

OP: What about your local Sure Start? You'd meet new people, be able to get advice etc.

if your phone is an android you can download an app for free called Mr Number, then you can add his number and if he does call you it will just hang up on him or delete any texts.

You can do the freedom programme online for free too

www.onespace.org.uk/elearning/courses/freedom-programme

Thank you for all your brilliant advice. I'm going to look into all your suggestions.