Please help me-is this emotional abuse?

[blueballoon79]

I have very recently split up with my boyfriend.

He was very jealous and would accuse me of cheating all the time.

He would call me names and then tell me he was only joking.

There was never any major physical abuse, just lots of little incidences which would hurt me and leave me questioning myself contantly.

He told me I was too sensitive, that he's just joking, that I twist his words and that I'm trying to start a fight whenever I try to discuss the incidences with him.

I'm going to describe one very recent incidence below which is minor but adds up to yet another of a long list in ways that he made me feel pathetic, scared and useless. I'll refer to him as ExP in the example I give.

I have recently moved house.

My new neighbours were having some work done in their house and the workman was outside my house sawing some wood.

ExP came downstairs after spending the night at mine (we didn't live together) complaining about the noise being made. I replied that yes, it was quite annoying but that it was in the week during a daytime so not a lot we could do about it.

Exp then said "The cheeky bastard is parked in your parking space too" I said yes I knew but seeing as I don't drive and don't have a car, it wasn't an issue and nobody was visiting me that day who'd need the space otherwise I'd ask him to move it.

Exp said that wasn't the issue, he shouldn't be in my car parking space- he was pacing around angrily at this point and raising his voice and I was worried my neighbours or the workman would overhear.

I told him again to calm down and that none of it mattered.

He then said "He's making a right fucking mess with sawdust all over your doorstep, I'm going to go out and have a word with him and tell him to clean his fucking mess up"

I begged him not to and said the wind will just blow it away even if he didn't tidy it up and that I wasn't bothered anyway.

He then lost the plot and started shouting that he was going to beat up the workman and the neighbours and make them think again about what they were doing.

I got angry with him at that point and told him it's not his house anyway, he doesn't live here and asked him if he REALLY thought that a bit of sawdust was worth beating someone up over!

He then started saying "Well, my Mum wouldn't just sit back and let people take advantage of her, she'd be straight out there saying something".

I told him I wasn't his Mum, that I don't agree with how his Mum handles situations anyway and that again it wasn't her house.

The whole time I was terrified the neighbours could hear.

I ended up going upstairs and crying and not knowing why I was so upset.

He DID go out and said to the workman that this is OUR house and he's in OUR parking space and that he worked as a builder and wouldn't dream of making a mess on someones doorstep and that the workman needed to sort it out.

Sorry for the long essay, it's just this incident in particular has been going round and round in my head and I'm wondering if I'm just being dramatic.

I remember when i said abut calling the police, he laughed and said "go ahead" that is no a normal response is it? He thought he was above it and even said to me once "do you know who i am"....
I didnt know such people existed, i have been seriously damaged by my experience and would willingly hold anyones hand going through similar.. sorry this isnt about me, but the thought there are so many men like this scares me and makes me question my own judgement :-(
YYYY is really talking sense

Hiding in the darkness with your heart pounding, that sounds a lot like physical fear to me, Blue, and not surprising given your latest posts.

You know, you really don't need to be analyzing all this stuff about the way you handle things, how his mum handles things, his opinions of your behaviour etc (unless it helps you to do it). This guy increasingly sounds like an honest-to-god psycho. It doesn't matter what he "thinks" about anything, any more than you would worry about what a particularly vicious and enraged dog thinks. He's not just wrong about stuff, he's off the map of normal reasonable human behaviour. All that matters that you stay away from him and get police protection if necessary.

bb79, my exP was divorced partly for DV.. I gave him the benefit of the doubt as his family were supportive of him and his ex wife was no angel... anyway, it didnt take long for his true colours to show with me too :-(
get out and STAY out.
If you phone the police they may give advice and at least it is on record...?
You are not rid of him yet unfortunately :-(

Hello,

Yes, if you just ring the police and say what you said, they will respond faster if something happens, or if you just do a silent 999 call they will be able to respond with knowledge about what could be the situation ahead - it will give you quite a lot of protection.

Even if he is just shouting outside your house, please do use 999- great for paperwork to catch him in action, and much easier for all concerned. 999 is 'emergencies' but also 'crime taking place' - the police love it if they can catch red-handed ;)

x-posts.

It would never, under any circumstances, be acceptable for someone to smash photo frames in a deliberate, violent way because they were angry with their partner. No matter who bought them for who. Even his "excuse story" still has red flags in.

Sorry to hear you've had such horrible boyfriends. Definitely think you should look into the freedom programme.

cappuccino please don't feel that you can't post about your own experiences simply because it's a thread I started.

I actually welcome that, it helps me to see that I'm not alone. Not alone in believing the stupid things he'd try to have me believe and not alone in being treated that way.

It helps me a lot to see others peoples experiences.

Your ex sounds totally deranged.

Please do involve the police. You won't be dealing with the same people again and there are vulnerable children involved. You MUST protect them.

madbuslady Thank you, I definitely will look into the Freedom programme, I don't want to put myself or my children through anymore of this.

For the record making you believe that violence will happen is assault, and a crime. If he is outside saying 'if you don't let me in I will..' that is assault.

thanks bb79 :-)
I remember coming on mumsnet at the time and it really helped me stay , strong.. in a way it is still quite raw for me, so it helps me helping you iyswim..
lots of women/men go through this.. you are not alone.
It is awful feeling threatened and frightened.

He should be proud of you, you are standing up for yourself at last!

Stay NC and fgs ring the police if you feel at all threatened, as already said, there are children involved, they shouldn't feel scared in their own home.

He sounds like an absolute arsehole.

You are well rid. I can't even imagine how he can put on the charm to win you back, he (and his mum) sound like a right nightmare.

Good luck x

I have blocked him on Facebook and switched my mobile phone off so he can't contact me that way.

There's nothing I can do about my landline as it has to be on, but I'm screening the calls and letting them ring off and only ringing back if it's not him.

It only weakens my resolve if he contacts me. He's either so loving towards me that I think I'm making a mistake or else he's so awful that he makes me feel dreadful.

That is totally deliberate on his part. He wants you see-sawing backwards and forwards.

You're doing great. But you don't have to do this alone. I think having read all your later posts I would definitely contact the police on 101 and just have a chat. Tell them he has threatened you, shouted abusively at you, has a previous conviction for DV, and now you've split up and he is still calling. You don't have to ask them to do anything in particular, they will just give you advice and note your case, at the very least.

I would seriously think about changing your landline too. Police will advise this too I would think.

It took me 3 landlines and countless sims to grasp the concept that men like this cannot have your contact details, they start of 'all nice' again, then usually fall back into abuse.

I was a fat cunt, skinny cunt, stupid cunt, a slut, if I had friends they were cunts/sluts. Almost 3 years later my X still tries to contact me. He think as we were together for so long we should be 'friends' I hate him and have told him so.

It took me to do Freedom Programme from April-November (2 courses) to forget about him

Sorry I may have overused the c word.

ItsYoniYappy my Exp is exactly the same about my friends! One is a depressive cunt, one is a greedy cunt and one is a fat, thick cunt!

I'm really going to have to try this Freedom programme, it sounds like it's been a great help to a lot of people.

Definitely talk to the police. Ring the non-emergency number and ask to speak to the Domestic Violence unit, tell them, as other people have suggested, that you have split up with a man who has a previous conviction for DV and that he has made threats and keeps phoning. They might decide to go round and have a word with him to the effect that if he makes anyfurther attempt to contact you he will be arrested.

He's just an inadequate prick. He's not a superhero, and not above the law, and he can be forced to leave you alone - him and his pisshead mother.

YY WA literally saved my life, I kept thinking about taking him back, was with him for 16 years. Not all bad, but most of it tbh.

Now would be a good time to get a dairy and start logging events (every contact since you said no contact) as well as doing as SGB has said. You might need it one day. here is the book, I have a spare one I could send to if you need it

Solidgoldbrass I'll ring the non-emergency number later and speak to them. I don't want my children to overhear and think I'm worrying.

It'sYoniHappy if you don't mind me asking what made you think of taking him back?

For me it's the fear of loneliness and also I do this stupid thing where I minimise how bad the bad times were and I forget how bad they made me feel and only think of when it was good.

The good times with him DID outweigh the bad times, but the bad times are enough to completely eradicate any happiness I had with him.

I've bought the book online earlier today, so will see how I go.

I've also made an appointment with my GP as I'm so severely depressed and feel I could do with some extra help with that.

Oh cool,I'm so pleased you are being serious about this.. well done, and I am sure we will be here for you.. GP and counselling can do you a lot of good to rebalance your thinking and help you feel less down about this horrible situation... well done again ..

Yohed Thank you.

I really am taking this extremely seriously. I'm so desperately unhappy and I know that my relationship to him caused a lot of it and that I could never be in a position to be any happier as long as I stayed with him.

I'll admit I'm terrified though. My fear of loneliness is the worst.

It's not helping that I've messaged two of my friends on Facebook to ask for their support and they seem to have ignored the messages. :(

I'm starting to feel like I have nobody in real life at all. I feel like I'm an unlikeable person and they just can't be bothered with me. :(

Don't read too much into missed FB messages 1. they might not be on facebook that much 2. FB is overlain with a 'only talk about positive or shallow' template - I sometimes find it easy to respond to stupid pictures, but hard to message to people I haven't talked to for some time, but have strong bonds with - FB is weird for that.

Of course you will feel like this for a bit - its lonely standing up to bullies, and no doubt you will grieve the fact that you have given time away. Try not to dwell on that - be grateful you can feel things again, and try a bit of grim thinking - tell the people you talk to - including professionals - that you feel unlikeable and horrible about this - it will feel better to admit this a little - try to remember some things that will prove you have a core that is likeable and connected and its just the outside that has got a bit battered recently... you will heal fine, just need to keep a slog up for a bit - ask for help direct, sometimes people are blind about these things. Say 'I'm splitting up with x and I just need to be around people for a bit' be frank and not obtuse where you can..

Thank you Yohed

I just worry that if I ask too much for help that people will be annoyed with me. I don't want to rely too heavily on anyone and have them be sick of me.

I've struggled for years with depression and low self esteem and feel that I don't want to burden anyone with it.

I had a friend years ago that I thought it was ok to ring up when I was low but she started ignoring my calls and avoiding me and I'm scared of doing that to my friends now.

Oh well done for making the GP appointment! There are whole threads devoted to people plucking up the courage just to take that step. You are doing great.

Agree re FB - I don't look at mine any more. Would it have more impact if you emailed? But give them a day or two to respond anyway.

Also YYYY is totally right about being as direct as you can in asking for help. People respond to that. It's easy when someone says "Oh I'm a bit down at the moment, let's go out sometime" to be full of good intentions but not follow it up. If you're specific and say "This is hard, I would really like to meet up and have a chat, are you around next week?" I think people will take it seriously.

This is a shot in the dark, but I've noticed on lots of threads here that when someone dumps an abusive twunt friends and family come out of the woodwork and say they are relieved and never liked him much anyway!

Madbuslady none of my family or friends like my ex. One friend finds him vaguely tolerable but says he is too immature for me- she hasn't met him much though.

My parents think he is egotistical and rude and were unhappy that I was with him but were polite for my sake.

Then I would expect them to be relieved you've got away from him.

Also, if you feel awkward about asking for help, telling people they were right about him all along might be a good opener!