Please help me-is this emotional abuse?

[blueballoon79]

I have very recently split up with my boyfriend.

He was very jealous and would accuse me of cheating all the time.

He would call me names and then tell me he was only joking.

There was never any major physical abuse, just lots of little incidences which would hurt me and leave me questioning myself contantly.

He told me I was too sensitive, that he's just joking, that I twist his words and that I'm trying to start a fight whenever I try to discuss the incidences with him.

I'm going to describe one very recent incidence below which is minor but adds up to yet another of a long list in ways that he made me feel pathetic, scared and useless. I'll refer to him as ExP in the example I give.

I have recently moved house.

My new neighbours were having some work done in their house and the workman was outside my house sawing some wood.

ExP came downstairs after spending the night at mine (we didn't live together) complaining about the noise being made. I replied that yes, it was quite annoying but that it was in the week during a daytime so not a lot we could do about it.

Exp then said "The cheeky bastard is parked in your parking space too" I said yes I knew but seeing as I don't drive and don't have a car, it wasn't an issue and nobody was visiting me that day who'd need the space otherwise I'd ask him to move it.

Exp said that wasn't the issue, he shouldn't be in my car parking space- he was pacing around angrily at this point and raising his voice and I was worried my neighbours or the workman would overhear.

I told him again to calm down and that none of it mattered.

He then said "He's making a right fucking mess with sawdust all over your doorstep, I'm going to go out and have a word with him and tell him to clean his fucking mess up"

I begged him not to and said the wind will just blow it away even if he didn't tidy it up and that I wasn't bothered anyway.

He then lost the plot and started shouting that he was going to beat up the workman and the neighbours and make them think again about what they were doing.

I got angry with him at that point and told him it's not his house anyway, he doesn't live here and asked him if he REALLY thought that a bit of sawdust was worth beating someone up over!

He then started saying "Well, my Mum wouldn't just sit back and let people take advantage of her, she'd be straight out there saying something".

I told him I wasn't his Mum, that I don't agree with how his Mum handles situations anyway and that again it wasn't her house.

The whole time I was terrified the neighbours could hear.

I ended up going upstairs and crying and not knowing why I was so upset.

He DID go out and said to the workman that this is OUR house and he's in OUR parking space and that he worked as a builder and wouldn't dream of making a mess on someones doorstep and that the workman needed to sort it out.

Sorry for the long essay, it's just this incident in particular has been going round and round in my head and I'm wondering if I'm just being dramatic.

You are NOT a bad mother you are a fantastic one, because when you saw how it was going with him, you have got out. Well done. Now don't ever ever let him back. He's abusive and awful and horrible to your children. Your life is going to be so much better without him- as you have a nice new house and can pop around and meet the neighbours yourself for starters and be friendly and just not live in fear of him kicking off. Why not post on the SN board here as well, there are plenty of people in the same boat with children with SN/disabilities and you may find they have some good ideas about how to meet more people/relieve the isolation.

Or the local board here and see if there's a MNetter who would be up for a cup of tea.

OP
He is insecure and paranoid... is it rude of me to ask where you met him? was it online? did you know his friends/family etc?
My exP also thought every man i talked to I fancied and threatened to beat up my manager as he sent me a "happy new year" text... I got to the stage though that i felt totally controlled and unable to get out of it.. he also stalked me and wouldnt take no for an answer... for ages..i was literally jumping at my own shadow, and everytime anyone came to my door. It was an awful experience :-(
I am in no hurry at all to meet another man, I am soooo frightened, which is a shame. Was with my exH 13 yrs and never had the above.
The lonliness etc.. i understand, but as you feel better in yourself, it does get better. Do you work?
I also ultimately did it for my ds (ended the relationship) as i did not want the influence of my exP around him, although i did protect him from the above. strange how we allow ourselves to be in a situation where someone can have such a dramatic effect. Vulnerability when you live alone and are a single parent doesnt help. PLEASE stay strong :-)

Thank you everyone for your suggestions. I'll definitely look at the Freedom programme, it sounds really useful.

Cappucino I met him in our local pub! I'd known him for seven years but he was in a relationship then as was I, so nothing ever happened then I met him after my daughters dad left us and we were both single at the time and started seeing each other.

Yes it is. He is mental.

1. That stupid performance was him saying to the neighbours 'This girl has a mental boyfriend, so don't any of you try it on with her or else'.
2. He blamed you for his paranoid ranting grandstanding twat-display
3. He was also being territorial over YOUR house
4. He is angered by little bits of sawdust drifting lightly in his direction. I would hate to see what he is like with cherry blossom!

Well rid of this loon.

blueballoon tell me to go away and stop being nosey, but where are you?

Your ex sounds EXACTLY like mine. He was utterly vile, looking back. He used to call me a c* all the time for example and pick to pieces anything I said/wore/did you get the idea.

I am well shot of him. He lives a lonely existence miles away now.

If it wasnt for our beautiful son I would never waste breath on him again.

YOU DESERVE BETTER x

Listen to Yohed she has hit the nail on the head.

Yohed Point number one that you made really jumped out at me.
I went to a residents meeting for the new area before moving there. He was asking me if I fancied any of the neighbours!

He says he's disappointed that I don't stick up for myself as he says it makes me look weak but I don't see the point of causing bother over nothing.

When he compares me to his Mum (which he does a lot) he always says that she wouldn't just leave it and that she'd go out and go mental with them.

The thing is I really don't agree with how his Mother handles things at all- she's just like him-over reacting and screaming and shouting all the time. I used to hate visiting her as she'd be ranting about something or other every single time. It was awful.

Er hang on, that phonecall?! .

Call the police now and tell them, that's more than two violent and abusive incidents and telling you he knows where you are, where your kids are and falsely accusing you of something you haven't done yet in order to wind himself into a rage before he comes round?

Call the police and tell them. They will know exactly what this twat is about. You need to - if his head switch flips, you need to know that they will come out straight away. They won't think you are being silly, they see this shit far too often.

Sorry to say it, but at least talk it over with them and say that you aren't sure but.. Police will confirm that a. undermining is one strike, threatening violence is another, accusing you of sleeping with people randomly is another.. need we go on? and b. that break-up is the time most likely when you will see an escalation.

well, it is a good job you have broken free from him and his family. You are obviously differently natured to them and you can see where he gets his behavior from... what grown man would compare you to his own mum ffs? in fact, he isnt a grown man is he, he is a pathetic excuse of a man.

maidmarion I'm in North Yorkshire. I don't want to say too much incase I out myself!

I get called a cunt all the time too usually prefixed with fat, as he knows I'm not happy with my weight and uses that to hurt me.

cappucino He's done worse in regards to his Mum- he's told me that he'll get her over to beat me up!

Yohed I've actually already arranged to be at a friends house as I do worry about him turning up. He's turned up in the past and shouted that I'm a fat cunt and a bitch etc through my letterbox.

I really don't want him doing that now I've moved.

BTW telling someone they are weak all the time is all about trying to make you believe you are weak, it has nothing to do with good character judgement or objective reality, its to make you sit down during a tirade and blame yourself thinking 'if only I were stronger I would be able to deal with this mental ranting asshole' i.e its a control strategy.

Oh Shit that's awful - he has now committed more than enough for you to get an injunction and a flag on any call-out. Please recognise how serious this is. It might be exciting to be holding this dog on a leash, but it will bite you badly unless you ask for help.

I never thought of it that way yohed. I always thought that me not acting the way he did about situations made him disgusted by me.

He'd always say "that's the problem with you, you're too weak, you need to start standing up for yourself and stop letting people take the piss".

He'd think people were causing me a major injustice when in reality it was nothing.

omg, i really feel for you.
have you involved the police at all yet?
i did once, when he pinned me to the bed and pushed me over :-(
but i didnt with the stalking and perhaps could have saved myself a lot of heartache if i had done something sooner. I felt sooo trapped though, i cant understand it now that i am out of it, but that is how i felt at the time. I know it is difficult..
Is this his reaction to you breaking up to him? do you think he will accept it? or is he in denial?

Oh and by the way - its not emotional abuse - its Domestic Violence - I am so proud of you for what you have done to address it already - its bloody tough.

Yohed, it's not exciting, trust me, it scares me.

When I think he might be coming over, my heart starts pounding and I just hope he won't.

I've sat in the dark before to make him think I'm not in.

I've gone to my sisters house with my children in the middle of the night just to be out of his way.

He doesn't frighten me physically, it's more how he makes me feel with the tirade of horrible verbal abuse. He leaves me feeling suicidal.

I've not involved the police, no.

I have no faith in the police whatsoever after being in a horrifically violent relationship as a teenager.

My boyfriend at that time was 22 and he was trying to kill me. He'd threatened to slit my throat and was chasing me with a knife. I ran into my parents kitchen called 999 then he ran up behind me and ripped the phone out of the wall.

I then ran up to my bedroom and barricaded myself in.

He told the police I was crazy and needed help-they believed him. They kicked my door down and spoke to me for a while then left, leaving me with him.

Ok. Call the police, sorry but I think you should, all of that is terribly unacceptable, and its making me feel so sorry for you - I wish I were there to go with you. You will find that they are incredibly supportive and reasonable and will not push you to do anything you don't want to do..

Your reactions are normal - its how it feels when someone is pushing their awful, nasty version of you into your head - its very unsettling and resisting it leaves you exhausted and will cause you to question your own sanity - but that's the key - it is his insanity you are starting to understand, but taking it on yourself because he seems inpenetrable - thats the 'act' of strength. I really am serious. If I am wrong, or its nothing so what - nothing lost, but talking it over seriously with people who are used to this will settle your mind.
..

Hmm,dont be put off by past experience with the police... also there are children involved here...
what an awful experience you had when you were younger, sounds very very frightening.
It is awful to feel threatened in your own home. I know. :-(
when was the last time you heard from him?

Sorry only read your first post, but He then lost the plot and started shouting that he was going to beat up the workman and the neighbours

No you are definitely not overreacting. That is terrible! Thank God you got rid of him.

Sorry to hear that your earlier Boy'friend' used the mental health trap so effectively.

That is one reason you should contact them outside an emergency if you can and talk through the issues calmly - sure it will mean that you might be more reasonable than you ought to be, but it will avoid that kind of defence being used by him.

I don't know when you were a teenager, but the police are much more aware of these patterns now, they get training all the time on DV and EA.

The last time I heard from him was when he called me on the phone last night and told me he "knew I'd be fucking someone else on Saturday"

Yohed If I were to just ring the police and explain the situation and say I'm worried that he'll come over and shout abuse and cause bother, would it mean that if something does happen and he does come over that they'll respopnd faster?

Do you know the stupid thing? He has been to court for domestic violence. He smashed his ex's photo frames and spat in her face so she called the police. I was told this by his mother who hates his ex and she is apparently digusted that his ex phoned the police and got him a record for domestic violence.

He tried to explain it away by saying she'd spat at him first and the photo frames he'd smashed were ones he'd bought her anyway.....I believed him...