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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Do people ever really change?

9 replies

canitbeso · 15/04/2013 21:53

OH and i have been apart for 6 months after long time together.

I left him, didnt want to do the mind games anymore, he says he is changed and is desperate to be given another chance.

Everyone says to me that people dont really change, that if i go back to him after a while he will go back to his real self.

So, can people really change and keep the change going?
Will it only happen after counselling or similar help?

OP posts:

steppemum · 15/04/2013 22:08

well, the short answer is yes of course people can change, but in your situation, I would be very, very hesitant.

I think change usually happens either through growth and maturity over time (I am not the same person I was 20 years ago)

Or through a significant event that makes people re-asses who they are and what they believe in. (which could be the case - your splitting up could have made him take that step)

But I don't think it is that common, and I am not convinced that it is possible in a long relationship which has had unhealthy patterns for years. That sort of change would require massive changes of habitual behaviour. I would be sceptical that he could have done this on his own. And even with help I think that it would be very easy to slip back into old habits.

You talked about mind games - that says more to me than any assurance of change.

I wouldn't like to say never, but it does seem unlikely.

Toasttoppers · 15/04/2013 22:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CognitiveOverload · 15/04/2013 22:18

People can change but they have to want to. ..really want to. Whay exactly has he changed?

TheYoniKeeper · 15/04/2013 22:22

I wouldn't even risk it to be honest...People change but only for themselves. It would be a big risk, undoing any progress you've made whilst apart when there's a good chance that it's BS iyswim

AuntieStella · 15/04/2013 22:23

I believe that people can change, but agree with steppemum that you need to be very, very hesitant. You need evidence - both of the change and of it's likely durability. What has he actually done - counselling, therapy groups? Or is he just making assertions? 6 months is quite a short time for certainty, really. Do mutual friends see a real difference I him? Are you still in touch with his family - can they see a difference, or at least confirm that he has actually done stuff to work on himself?

Also, if he has changed, it's like a new him - you need to get to know him again, like in the early days of dating. Yu need to go much slower than ordinary dating, as you know so much more about his capaci to hurt you. No need to see (and assess) what he's like in a range of circumstances, over time, and including ones in which he showed his worst side before.

But before you do any of that, you need to pause for a bit longer - have you really thought through whether you want him back and why? How has life been without him around?

TheYoniKeeper · 15/04/2013 22:27

if you do go back down that road then be very careful not to jump back into the same situation quickly.

Take it as slowly as you would've had you not been with him before (at first anyway, until you feel sure).

That will help weed out any falseness

Original poster

canitbeso · 15/04/2013 22:31

yes see what youre all saying.
Mind games as in EA to some degree, very critical, never felt as if i could be myself in case he was upset etc..
He has done no counselling/therapy, he has no family and we do not really have many mutual friends to ask. This is all what he says he has done or is doing.
Life without him is peaceful and i am finding that i enjoy the freedom, but there is this part of me that says maybe i should give him another chance..

OP posts:

TheYoniKeeper · 15/04/2013 22:34

If he made you feel that bad before & hasn't even had any 'real' help for his issues then why on earth are you considering getting back together with him? (Sorry to sound harsh)

Life without him is peaceful and i am finding that i enjoy the freedom

that right there is why you shouldn't.

You felt like crap with him, you feel good now. Are you really willing to risk it on the say of a man who made you feel like that & hasn't had any help etc?

TheYoniKeeper · 15/04/2013 22:36

(oh, and you don't owe a second chance or anything. If you are badly treated then it's perfectly reasonable not to give a second chance. Plus they often turn in the 3rd, 4th etc)

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