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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How do I get over Mr Unavailable?

48 replies

Loulou0101 · 14/04/2013 21:52

I have met a guy that is so lovely and so uavailable. I have been single 2 years and not had the best dating history, I do find it hard to feel any attraction towards the opposite sex, but this guy who I met through work is so lovely and Im very much attracted to him but he is married. I know he is completely unavailable but I cant help how I feel. Please can someone help me get over this guy, I cant believe how I feel, its driving me crazy, I think about him too much!!

OP posts:

almostanotherday · 14/04/2013 21:55

Think of his wife?

HoHoHoNoYouDont · 14/04/2013 21:57

Keep busy and try to increase your social circle outside work.

Original poster

Loulou0101 · 14/04/2013 21:59

Of course I think of his wife thats why Im here. I cant help feelings and its not just one sided. Im trying to increase my social circle but I see him alot. I dont want to feel anymore, it wont go away.

OP posts:

AuntieStella · 14/04/2013 21:59

Have a thorough read of this site "Baggage Reclaim" - sympathetic yet robust, it'll encourage you to really look at why you are choosing the unavailable and what you might want to consider doing to break the pattern.

Original poster

Loulou0101 · 14/04/2013 22:01

Ok thanks I will have a look but its not a habit of mine, its just this one guy, didnt know he was married when I first met him.

OP posts:

LastMangoInParis · 14/04/2013 22:02

Avoid him.
Or, if you and he get on well, invite him out WITH HIS WIFE.
I'm guessing that you haven't actually met her? Perhaps meeting her and meeting him with her would work as a reality check for you? (And him?)

jayho · 14/04/2013 22:05

If you didn't know he was married, and it's 'not one sided' then he's that total catch - a lying, cheating sleaze. Do you want a relationship with someone capable of infidelity?

Gales · 14/04/2013 22:07

Avoid him like the plague and keep yourself insanely busy.

I developed what others must have thought was a nervous tick- i would physically shake the thought out of my head every time he crossed my mind. I trained myself not to allow myself to think about him. It took about 2 years to be 'cured' but was much easier after the first 3 mths .

Original poster

Loulou0101 · 14/04/2013 22:10

I dont even know if its flirting its nothing suggestive, I know hes not going to cheat on his wife. He is just really nice to me and interested in my life. I just like his company and I cant help being attracted to him, its not something that happens to me. I know I have to avoid him. Iv even looked for another job, I know this sounds a bit over the top but it really isnt a nice feeling.

OP posts:

Original poster

Loulou0101 · 14/04/2013 22:13

Wow thats a long time! Its getting worse with time. I pop to the super market and if hes there my tummy turns, he is then in my head constantly no matter what I do. I actually sound crazy, typing this out. Its so silly, I wish Id never mt him.

OP posts:

waltermittymissus · 14/04/2013 22:14

Look, it doesn't matter whether it's flirting or what your feelings are or whether he's nice to you.

You've two choices here: fuck a married man, or don't.

If you're even halfway decent, you won't.

How do you get over it? You just bloody well do! It really is that simple.

Just don't shag a married man.

Original poster

Loulou0101 · 14/04/2013 22:17

I feel a bitch just feeling like I do. Im not here to question if I want anything more with this guy, I know I cant. Im here because Im feeling a bit sad and havnt anyone to talk to about it.

OP posts:

HoHoHoNoYouDont · 14/04/2013 22:19

I've been there, done that myself. It doesn't end well.

You're feeling flattered because he's being nice to you. He will also flirt with you in his own way because he needs to know he's still attractive to women. Don't feed the ego.

Gales · 14/04/2013 22:20

Walter if you really believe its that simple you've never been there. OP has no intention of sleeping with him and neither did I, but it took a long time to recover.

OP i feel for you, but you will be ok and you Will come through stronger, as long as you dont do anything stupid.

He's not that lovely if you know the feelings mutual

LastMangoInParis · 14/04/2013 22:20

Loulou it sounds as if you're lonely and maybe a bored and you've developed a crush on someone. That in itself is not such a big deal, but maybe you need to address the loneliness and boredom?
Also, you're post where you say you didn't know he was married when you first met him makes me think maybe you were very lonely and - perhaps without realising it - looking for someone to fixate on a bit. Generally when we first meet people we don't know what sort of relationship they're in. But if you're feeling quite good in yourself, then you're not going to be so vulnerable to getting a bit obsessive about someone you don't really know.
And, TBH, it doesn't sound as if he is all that interested in you. It sounds as if he's ordinarily friendly and you've interpreted this as you have becuase you're lonely.

AuntieStella · 14/04/2013 22:21

It might be worth having a think about whether there could be a pattern. A man doesn't have to be literally unavailable (married/partnered) to be emotionally unavailable, and you did mention a dating history that was 'not the best'.

Use the tab 'list of posts' towards the top of the link I sent you - there's a huge library there of past posts and descriptions of lots of types of unavailable men. Now perhaps I am off beam and you've just been unlucky. But worth seeing if there is anything that strikes a chord.

waltermittymissus · 14/04/2013 22:23

And, TBH, it doesn't sound as if he is all that interested in you. It sounds as if he's ordinarily friendly and you've interpreted this as you have becuase you're lonely.

Agreed.

AnyFucker · 14/04/2013 22:25

Have some girls nights out and find Mr Available

dontyouwantmebaby · 14/04/2013 22:26

so sorry you're feeling a bit sad loulou but I think lastmango is not too far from the truth here. its lovely to get a bit of attention from someone but come on, if he's married then it a def no-goer. I think you know that already tho. I have been there in the past, becoming fixated on people that were unavailable, its a kind of psychological coping mechanism I'm sure.

mr unavailable = mr married man. you can do so much more than this!!

LemonPeculiarJones · 14/04/2013 22:27

Don't feel bad OP. You haven't done anything wrong. It sounds like he's really enjoying getting a thrill from flirting with you. And then he goes home to the warmth, safety, security and love of his relationship.

Not very nice of him.

I've had feelings for a man in a relationship in the past. The feelings do pass. It's exactly the same as a school crush - feels powerful because of our own needs but can and will pass and disappear completely.

It's attraction and attraction fades. Don't let it appear as anything else to you. It's a mirage. Just try to stop giving it any attention. Disact yourself. FORCE yourself.

With effort you can create the perceptual shift that often happens when suddenly you see someone in a new, less favourable light.

Original poster

Loulou0101 · 14/04/2013 22:35

Thankyou for all of your thoughts and advice. Im not bored, my life is quite busy so I dont have time to be bored, just cant talk to anyone about this as I feel awful for feeling how I do. Yeah he could just be a really friendly guy but it just feels more than that sometimes. I didnt know he was married as its not something you chat about and the way he kept looking at me and then we started chatting one day, I cant remember how I found out. I dont know, maybe it is me.
I have been very unlucky, just havnt met anyone that I feel attracted emotionally orr mentally. This is why its so hard I guess.

OP posts:

Gales · 14/04/2013 22:36

Just remembered (was a long time ago!) part of my keep insanely busy plan was to join three different volunteering projects. I met lots if genuinely lovely people and it eventually lead to a fab new career, which Im still in.

Every cloud.....

ThunderboltCity · 14/04/2013 22:38

I agree.
I am in a similar situation (with work colleague who has a girlfriend). It's difficult to get over someone but visualising that the other party could be getting a kick out of your little situation may just help you overcome these feelings. In time. It takes effort but it can be done.

AnyFucker · 14/04/2013 22:38

Being married isn't something you "just chat about" ... ??

Sure it is, if you are upfront

if you are a bit shady, perhaps you don't

Gales · 14/04/2013 22:42

But, like any addiction, you need to want to recover before anyone else's suggestions will help

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