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Original poster

I need to get over this crush, it is crushing me...

85 replies

YoniShapedLoveBox · 14/04/2013 01:07

Found an ex boyfriend on FB, he was the BEST and we ended because of family pressure (we were young)
He accepted my FB friendship but doesn't reply to my private message (I just asked for a recommendation from his work field) and seems happy with his GF.
I am a total stalker right now, lusting over his photos and can't get over it...
I know it is ridiculous and IABU
Also, what is the chance he isn't replying because he didn't see the message? It is not marked as 'seen', but apparently he could have checked on his email...? He definitely is logging in as he accepted me as a friend not long ago...(last week)...I habe been drooling over his photos for a long time, but decided to add him on a crazy spur of the moment.

Just spoke to an good old friend and she also remembers how cute, sweet, gentle and perfect he was to me...

Please give me a much needed kick in the butt

TIA

OP posts:
Boutdesouffle · 14/04/2013 02:12

Of course he saw your message, if he responded to your friend request it would have come up at the same time. He is ignoring it. But you know this really. It is unrequited love. You also know this. Let it go. Or defriend and look slightly unhinged, it's your choice.

Original poster
YoniShapedLoveBox · 14/04/2013 02:12

I used the word love, but not love as in Love but as in love
iykwim

OP posts:
Original poster
YoniShapedLoveBox · 14/04/2013 02:22

I sent him a friend request on the 9th, he accepted the same day. the message I sent on the 12th.
To be fair, his relationship is not all over his timeline, and you wouldn't assume he has a GF. I figured this out after days of investigation (I should be a detective really) including his friends and families profiles...(not my fault if people don't look after their privacy settings properly).

Anyway, I know you guys are right.
I need a wake up call.
And I need a good cry.

What lacks in my life is me accepting who I am and letting my true self BE again.
Like I was at the time we were together but had to slowly change to conform.
I ended up forgetting who I am, what I like, what I want.

Seeing him still true to himself made me realise that I am not living the way I should and I am trying for a long time now to be something else..

OP posts:
deleted203 · 14/04/2013 02:22

No - he hasn't got feelings for you after all.

We are kicking your butt and you are not listening!

badinage · 14/04/2013 02:27

Feelings covers a range of things though don't they? He might feel fear, disloyalty to his partner if he replies, that the past is another country he has no desire to re-visit, closure or even negative things about you and your former relationship.

In general, the proof is always in the pudding. He doesn't want to resurrect this relationship in any way, shape or form but was too polite to reject your 'friend' request.

Original poster
YoniShapedLoveBox · 14/04/2013 02:37

oh dear
I admire him for not replying. He probably knows well I can get a good answer from somebody else. He is loyal.
See? I told you he is a good guy. Lucky her. I bet he deserves.
How about me?
Well let my heart just bleed
I hope he doesn't have negative feelings
A part from our families, I just remember beautiful things
I would hate to be a source of disgust or unhappiness.

I am even embarrassed now
But de-friend will just make things weirder
Will just go teetotal from his page, well, do my best anyway.

OP posts:
badinage · 14/04/2013 03:09

Look he probably doesn't harbour any hugely negative feelings towards you, but for him it's more than likely just an early relationship that everyone has when they are young and it's just a nice memory from the past. But everyone in the social networking age knows that exes getting in touch out of the blue need handling carefully, because of the potential for long-lost-soulmate fantasies getting out of hand. If you actually want to keep your beautiful memories, don't spoil them by this obsession and instead work on getting your mojo back, but with the wisdom you've gained over the years. Logically, few of us would want to be as fickle, reckless or as naive as we were when we were young, but we can try to regain our optimism about life and our faith that life is an adventure. It's about balancing all those lovely qualities of youth with hard-won wisdom and realism.

TheRealFellatio · 14/04/2013 03:25

Did you message him before or after he had accepted your friends request? If you did it before it goes into the message inbox marked 'other' (next to the main inbox) and lots of people don't even realise it's there. I had messages in mine for months without noticing them.

keepcalmandkickon · 14/04/2013 07:54

I get how you feel, honestly I do. I have a massive crush on someone who when i asked out for lunch / coffee didnt reply....Blush but as others have said, crushes are often a result of something missing in your life, here and now. It would be much kinder to yourself to focus on identifying what it is you are missing and tackling that instead of putting your energies into what essentially is a memory. This doesnt invalidate how you both felt when you were together, but you have both, rightly, moved on in your lifes. I also dont think it is helpful to blame others for you breaking up - yes, disapproval from parents can make things difficult but ultimately, you are both responsible for choosing to end it. (unless you were locked in your room, sent away etc etc)

harryhausen · 14/04/2013 08:25

Oh I have so been here....

I'm now an old woman of 41 so I'll impart my wisdomWink

When I was 14 I went out with a 15 year old boy. We only ever kissed and had a fumble. We went out for about 9 months and he dumped me ( I can't even remember whyGrin). Anyway, at the time he utterly broke my heart.
Throughout my teenage years and my 20's I never quite got over him. I had relationships with other people but it was always him who made my tummy to a flip. He occasionally 'flirted' with me over the years if we bumped into each other in a bar. I read sooooo much into these moments I can't tell you. I would search out bits of info about him from his friends and feel so disappointed if he was seeing someone.

When I was 26 I met my DH and (naturally) felt really happy and loved. I stopped 'searching' for him for many years. Then a few years ago, he requested my friendship on FB. I have to admit my tummy still did a little flip. We exchanged a few friendly comments but I never allowed myself much more than lurking on his page. Do you know what I found? He'd spent most of his 30's travelling and living off friends sofas. A complete nomad and a commitment-phobe it seemed. He looked generally unhappy. However a few months ago he got married. Through the photos and comments he's made over this time I can totally see and believe how happy he finally is and how much in love he is with his new wife. I felt nothing except joy for him. No flippy tummies. No jealousy. Just joy for him.

You see, he wasn't really what I'd thought he was all these years. He was totally wrong for me. I didn't (and still probably don't) know him at all properly. It doesn't matter. My DH is what I want and who is right for me. This man was just a little passion hobby that had been with me so long that it was almost a habit.

OP, you do not figure large in this mans life. Sorry. I know that's hard to hear. Don't live in the past and project your fantasies onto him. Because that's what you're doing even though you don't realise it. Have a (hug) because its hard......but it's not real.

Wowserz129 · 14/04/2013 08:28

This guy has a gf. He is probably not replying because he doesn't want or need too! Stop obsessing over a silly notion!

Original poster
YoniShapedLoveBox · 14/04/2013 09:56

I know you are all so right. It is about me not him isn't it?. It is much easier to create fantasies than to tackle real issues. I feel so old and such a failure. And I don't recognise the person I became at all. This is not what I planned. And I don't know what to do to fix this.

OP posts:
Emperorsnewclothesshow · 14/04/2013 10:04

You need to forget about him, I think you have established that! This is about you and what you do with your life - exactly. Don't waste your summer chasing after an elusive fantasy.

So why don't you make a vision board of what you want from your life. Once it is visualised it will be right there in front of you to follow and it will come easier to you if you know what you want. Focus on yourself.

Don't even think of wasting time whining.. I understand it, but it won't get you very far. Confidence!!

Original poster
YoniShapedLoveBox · 14/04/2013 10:43

That is exactly the problem. What that fuck do I want. ? I don't know. Everybody knows what they want and I don't and never did.

OP posts:
MistressoftheYoniverse · 14/04/2013 20:21

YoniShaped how about you think about what you don't want...

Original poster
YoniShapedLoveBox · 14/04/2013 23:17

Hi Girls

Today was day 1 of getting my mojo back program.

After suffering in bed until mid day and shedding some tears with fantasies that didn't end very well I got up and put my music on.

I danced a lot today and said out of loud that I will be getting my new tattoo soon. Yes I will.

Also, summer coming, I will make an effort to go out more and enjoy my friend's company.

I will find time to join a group activity, probably a dance class.

And I will buy a bike and start riding again.

Gotta keep focused...

Spent a lot of time today on FB too and didn't check him out...not only once...(well actually I checked if the message was 'seen', but that is it, didn't do a snoop around or lusted on the photos)

OP posts:
MistressoftheYoniverse · 14/04/2013 23:27

Well done! :)

Original poster
YoniShapedLoveBox · 15/04/2013 02:56

Couldn't resist at the end. But did it only once.

OP posts:
Original poster
YoniShapedLoveBox · 15/04/2013 10:01

OMG. He had just replied...!!!

OP posts:
UterusUterusGhali · 15/04/2013 11:30

You should just defriend him.
Do you have your answer about work?

MissFenella · 15/04/2013 12:05

If you really were the perfect couple, nothing would have separated you.

Neither of you wanted the other enough and it was easy to blame your age and parents.
Fantasy can be fun but don't slip over into the mad frothing ex who is so miserable she will happily ruin lives in pursuit of something that does not exist.

NotTreadingGrapes · 15/04/2013 12:09

What did he say?

CrazyOldCatLady · 15/04/2013 12:41

Facebook has a lot to answer for! joins NotTreading in the denial corner

What did he say?

Original poster
YoniShapedLoveBox · 15/04/2013 12:43

Well he gave the info I needed. I'm looking for someone good and reliable to do a private and important job and a recommendation is essential and I trust him he knows the best people to recommend as he is in the field (but he is not in England which is a huge advantage in my case). So, I was happy for the info and to know that he doesn't hold grudges. That is it. Didn't feel any different, crush didn't get bigger, it is fading for sure. Of course I would love o have him back in my life as a real friend in the real world but perhaps this isn't viable right now and the ways things are, are good enough for me. But yes, I'm extremely happy I haven't being totally ignored tbh.

OP posts:
TheOriginalNutcracker · 15/04/2013 12:46

Oh god, been there done this, got still wearing the t'shirt. It'll end in tears, and they will be yours.

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