DP turned on me last night, horrible, drunk and aggressive (long)

[Birdofemanuel]

Basically DS2 (special needs, adhd, aged 12) came home from school full of attitude, ended up arguing with DP, it all blew out of proportion and went too far, DS bolted out of the front door, DP went after him and ended up falling cutting open his hands, legs and hip - result - lots of tension and a very tense and unhappy household.

But DP and I went out as planned (later when he'd had time to cool off and the house was calmer). Went for a meal (lovely) and then met up with friends for a drink in a local pub. everyone having a good time but DP is getting drunker and drunker and by the time we leave the pub for the club, he's switched from lager to whisky - a drink we know turns him aggressive and argumentative. But I watch him carefully, all is ok ... he's having a good time, laughing and joking, dancing, hugging and kissing me - everything seemed fine. Then later on, I'm tipsy too (but he's really drunk by now) I notice he's looking grumpy so I pull the sides of his mouth up into a smile - we always do this to each other and it normally results in the grumpy party laughing and cheering up. This is exactly what happened. He laughed, started pulling daft faces and making "kissing" faces, we were like a couple of teenagers in the dark corners of the club laughing and giggling with one another, he was also poking and prodding my face. All very normal.

Then all of a sudden he turned on me. I can't pin point what made him snap but one minute he was fine and then a split second later he was livid, told me he'd pull whatever face he wanted to pull and that he WAS having a great time until I started "pissing about" with his face. He said he wanted to go home. A little shocked I told everyone we were leaving and we left. In the taxi we didn't speak a word to one another. When we got home he verbally laid into me saying I disrespect him, treat him like shit, obviously hate him and think he's a wanker and he doesn't know why the fuck he bothers with me because I make his life a misery and he's had enough we've had NO arguments or disagreements at all lately so this was totally out of the blue. He goes on to say that if his late father could see him now, he'd be crying at the way his son's life had turned out and the family he'd ended up with . He starts acting really bizare, makes me a cup of tea and then shouts at me for drinking it saying "what the fuck are you drinking that for?? you hate me remember, fucking put it down!" and then I look at him as he's raging at me and he shouts "don't you fucking look at me!! you couldn't stand to look at me a minute ago so don't you fucking look at me now!" When I speak he starts mimicking me like a school boy, he laughed when he could see he was upsetting me and said "oh don't worry, you'll find somebody else, you'd find some other wanker who'll put up with your shit and your fun house kids - infact, why not go back to the fucking club and grab one of those blokes you were looking at in there?" (not the first time he's accused me of this).

In the end he storms off upstairs saying "don't worry, I'll fuck off in the morning and you'll never see me again".

As I'm getting in bed I accidently touch him slightly and he shouts "what the fuck are you touching me for??? I'm a fucking wanker remember! you fucking hate me remember! don't fucking touch me now!" by this point I'm actually getting a bit concerned and gently put my hand on his shoulder and said quietly, nicely and calmly "D*, please calm down - I don't know what has made you so angry but you're really upsetting me, we never talk to each other like this" he replies with "Oh!! I'm upsetting you am I!! oh dear, I'm sorry, what a bastard I am, I'm upsetting you! oh my god! you're upset!" and then laughs. I said "this is really out of character for you, I'll talk to you when you sober up" he then grabs my hand, pushes it away from him and turns to me saying "get away from me, go on, turn over" and starts trying to push me over. I shout "just stop it now, you're starting to hurt me" and he laughs and shouts "oh come on! fucking hell I better call the police on myself then" and starts a ridiculous routine of him on the phone to the police.

Eventually I snap and say "how old are you? jesus you're acting like a 7 year old. Just go to sleep". He replies "yes I will do, and in the morning I'm fucking off and I can't wait to be rid of you". I cave and start to cry. He shouts "oh fucking hell here we go, don't be fucking crying all night! don't know why you're so bothered anyway, you hate me and I've never loved you anyway" He then starts prodding at me saying "stop crying, stop it" etc etc.

Eventually I drop off to sleep. This morning I wake up thinking "jesus, that was a side to him I never want to see again! wonder what he'll think when he sobers up!" - he wakes up - sober - stares at me for a few minutes and then says "you want me to fuck off now do you?" - Only when I go along with it and say "yes, it's probably best that you leave" does he go back on it saying he can't leave as he loves me too much etc etc. He doesn't apologise but makes excuses saying he'd had a shit day and I was slagging him off too (untrue).

Around lunch time today he finally comes over to me, puts his arms around me and says "I'm so sorry about last night, I was a complete prick and I'm so sorry I hurt and upset you".

We've been together just over a year. I'm in total shock at his behaviour.

Perhaps because he's not a baby and she's not in charge of what he drinks, milk?

Certain drinks do NOT cause certain behaviours, the behavioural tendency has to be already in the person for alcohol to bring it out.

This man's ex divorced him on grounds that describe what he did the other night. Coincidence? How self-deluding do you want OP to be, people?

You let a man you had only been with for a year chase your SON out of your house.

WTutterF??!!

Why didn't you intervene? This is your SON?!

And on top of that, your DS has ADHD ?and ASD?...

Lets look at this from the outside here.

Your partner of just a year CHASED your 12yo DS with SN's out of the house in such anger that he himself tripped over and injured himself.

And you don't think that scared the HELL out your DS?!

That IS ABUSE. Abuse of YOUR SON.

That and that ALONE would be enough for me to pack his bags and tell him to fuck off to the far side of fuck, and when he got there, to fuck off some more...

And then he goes on to verbally abuse you for ages, and gaslight you with the whole cup of tea thing, this emotionally amusing you, and THEN he goes on to physically abuse you by pushing you over in bed.

And you are still in this relationship WHY?!

This IS abuse, OP, and NOT just of you - of your DS too.

There are sooooo many red flags here that you can't see the bloody sky.

AND his divorce from his Ex wife was for 'controlling behaviour and DV'?!

What a charmer.

I hardly ever jump in with a LTB, but I am here!

I am certainly not blaming the child. I am saying that parenting a 12 year old with SNs, ADHD and by the sounds of things some behavioural issues is not easy. It is especially not easy if you do not even love that child and they just happen to live in the same house because you love their mother. Step parenting is rarely easy, let's face it.

I'm not defending him - he has behaved awfully. But so far, he hasn't been violent, has he? Menacing, verbally abusive, rude, and a drunken bore. It may be a one off. The OP says it is very, very out of character. He may be finding it really hard living with children who are not his. He may not be used to children at all, for all we know, before he came into this relationship.

What I am saying is that the OP should ask him to leave and put her children first. The friction between the DS and the DP may be making both parties behave worse than they otherwise would. But obviously her DS's wellbeing should be her priority, whatever his faults.

If she feels that he is still a decent man in spite of this apparently out of character incident then she could continue to date him but not live with him. If this is merely a glimpse of his true character then she'll find out soon enough and she'll know what she has to do. On the other hand, it might just work beautifully for everyone if they live apart and stopped trying to rush into being a family unit too soon.

Oh and BTW, I don't buy this 'whisky makes him argumentative and aggressive' thing. Too much alcohol is what makes volatile people show their true colours. It doesn't matter what the drink is - that's a red herring and an excuse.

And truly non-confrontational people will rarely be argumentative or aggressive no matter how much booze they have.

It's not the whisky that's the problem - it's the fact that he gets nasty when he is drunk that is the problem.

'I am certainly not blaming the child. I am saying that parenting a 12 year old with SNs, ADHD and by the sounds of things some behavioural issues is not easy. It is especially not easy if you do not even love that child and they just happen to live in the same house because you love their mother. Step parenting is rarely easy, let's face it.'

how is this relevant though? It's not relevant at all. She could have the most compliant, appeasing child in the world and this bloke would still be a twunt. This is why I said it sounds like you are blaming the child. And I stand by that I'm afraid.

'I'm not defending him - he has behaved awfully. But so far, he hasn't been violent, has he?'

So?

' Menacing, verbally abusive, rude, and a drunken bore. It may be a one off.'

It may well not considering his history.

' The OP says it is very, very out of character. He may be finding it really hard living with children who are not his. He may not be used to children at all, for all we know, before he came into this relationship. '

Does all this make his behaviour acceptable then? I think not.

Fwiw I agree with the rest of your post.

Fellatio, this is the beginning. By keeping this relationship this man will think he can keep behaving like this, regardless of living in the house or not.

I haven't read all the replies so I am sorry if I'm repeating what others have said. I understand this to be a drink problem. I have always thought that if your personality changes for the worse when one has alcohol taken then they have a problem with alcohol and shouldn't drink. Surely we all have aggression in us and it's a matter of how you control it but if alcohol relaxes whatever control you have then it's a bad idea to drink. My dh gets irrationally argumentative when he drinks so generally he doesn't drink or if he does then not more than a single drink of an evening.

The OP says it is very, very out of character.

She didn't say that.
She did say that whisky makes him aggressive and argumentative.
She also says that he's accused her of looking at other blokes in the pub.

Plus there's the reasons for divorce. The ex could have used unreasonable behaviour. No need to use "he was controlling, suddenly turns against people and that he was violent."

Definitely NOT out of character.
I'd actually say, it's well within character and it is getting worse. Get out.

Only a year in and he is already living with you and your children, arguing with/chasing your son and being aggressive, abusive and jealous with you?

I have always thought that if your personality changes for the worse when one has alcohol taken then they have a problem with alcohol and shouldn't drink.

This is a common myth or misunderstanding. I have a problem with alcohol. My personality doesn't change when I'm drunk, I just get very affable and boring talkative. I've been in rehab with angry drunks, and I can tell you they are angry sober, too. They may suppress it in company, but it came out in therapy.

I'm sure we all "have aggression in us" but it's neither normal nor healthy to have to "control" it.

Again - OP's partner was divorced for the same behaviour he showed the other night. Why's nearly everyone refusing to acknowledge this?

This all sounds horribly familiar to me.
It may be easier in the short term to see this as a one-off, but trust me, in the long term it will get worse and worse and worse. I ignored similar behaviour - started as 'drunken' jealousy, manipulation, moved on to the odd angry incident including prodding and pushing, then a punch in the face, then total emotionally abusive armageddon - and ended up an emotional wreck with eating disorders, depression and extreme anxiety. You can't live your life like this, and you deserve better - I now have a lovely man, and can see that respect really isn't too much to ask for.

I'm going to go against all the LTB responses here. I've seen alcohol turn people unrecognisable. If whiskey makes him lose the plot but he's an otherwise rational human being, ban the whiskey. I don't think it's in vino veritas, booze can turn nice people bonkers. I bet he doesn't remember what happened, just that it was bad. Talk to him, tell him what happened.

He chased your son, who has special needs, and who he has known less than a year, out of the house after losing control (as the adult) in an argument. That would be dealbreaker enough for me.

I am also of the opinion that people's truest nature comes out when they are drunk. So your DP's behaviour last night would have been a second, independent dealbreaker.

He is telling you who he really is. Listen.

Wow, I really don't know anyone who is nice and normal when sober, and violent and abusive after drinking. Yes, they might say stupid things, get into arguments, vomit, fall over, become flirty/promiscuous/sleazy - but not abusive, cruel and frightening towards their families.

Pony, read the OP.

Pony he wasn't drunk when he chased her SN son out of the house was he? There is no excuse. If he knows he gets aggressive when he drinks he should stop. The fact is, he hasn't. He obviously doesn't care about how his behaviour effects others.

Get him out and change the locks.

That is all!

Step parenting is rarely easy, let's face it.

Oh so we're calling this volatile blow-in a stepfather now?? Sheesh, the most important job there is and you don't even have to qualify for it :(

is this going to be yet another thread where the OP will end up defending her abuser?

Well I agree he doesn't sound up to the job, but as the OP has moved him in, the fact is that is he is a step-father.

What SNs does your child have OP? Is the ADHD it, or was there more? You said he came home from school 'full of attitude.'

Why did your son 'bolt for the door?' Was your partner about to take a swing at him?

I completely understand what you are saying Brodicea but sometimes it really is a one off. I have known it be the case myself, in a very long term relationship. Not physical violence but let's just say an 'unpleasant and out of character experience' that was never repeated, and came about after a particular period of huge stress. The bloke in question knew he'd done wrong, knew he'd crossed a line, and never put a foot wrong again. Well at least not in any way that could be called abusive.

And she did say it was out of character, in spite of Lueiji correcting me.

I don't think we have the full story from the OP about things have happened in the past with 'the whisky' though. I'm not sure it is as out of character as she'd like us to think it is.

Thanks for the replies and support, not ignoring the thread, just been really busy today.

DS tends to bolt for the door whenever he gets angry - problem is he sometimes doesn't come back (I've had this many a time before DP even came on the scene) which is why DP went after him, not to hurt him, just to bring him back as I couldn't leave the house at that point.

DP was away last night so I've had the full night and day to think about things. He text me last night full of love and kisses asking how I was. I replied that I was still upset about the night before and he replied "I'm really looking forward to this movie, I'll let you know what it's like x" (he was at cinema with his kids) so not even an acknowledgement.

I've been angry about it today but more so confused. I have NEVER had someone kick off at me like that before when I've genuinley not done a thing to them. Yeah me and my ex had arguments and he could be a twat but I could always recall some point in which I'd been out of order too ... this time there was literally nothing. I feel like I just had the verbal shit kicked out of me for no reason whatsoever by someone who just suddenly decided they hated me. I keep going over the night - I didn't say a thing wrong to him, maybe I shouldn't have pulled his face but we always do stuff like that to each other and he played along with it so how was I to know it was pissing him off?? Ok I should have left him to it and gone to bed when we get back but it's difficult to just go to sleep 20 minutes after someone has just suddenly gone off on one and told you they didn't want to be with you anymore. What was I supposed to say? "oh, ok then we'll split up tomorrow. Night night" ???

And he was so cold too. Laughing when I was upset, taking the piss out of my voice etc. I've never been treated like that before by anyone.

Also he has a son on the autistic spectrum so he should be used to challenging behavior surely. I know it's different when it's your own kid but he can't be excused with the old "aww bless he's just not used to kids" excuse because he is - he even has experience of kids with special needs!

I'm sorry I'm just venting now. Just to let you know I've not disappeared. I'll keep replying and thanks again for the support x

"What was I supposed to say? "oh, ok then we'll split up tomorrow. Night night" ??? "

Pretty much, yes, to be honest.

Well, yes, it doesn't sound as though he quite gets the enormity of what he's done, does it? And it doesn't sound as though you are prepared to just forget about it either.

This is really worrying, Pretending nothing is wrong is his way of trying to make you go along with it, and stay with him.

Really seriously scary behaviour. He'll be telling you you imagined it next and that he didn't do anything 'that bad' and trying to convince you that it was your fault.

Have your feelings towards him taken a hit? I know mine did when one of my exes suddenly went ballistic at me for no reason. To him, relationships were like that. To me there was nothing normal about it - the fear and the treading on eggshells destroyed any love I felt.

Even when I left him he tried to convince me not to - 'but I loved you!' So? If that's what you do to people you love then I don't want to be part of it.

OP I'm so glad you came back. Here for you if you need to offload.

Lueji, I did read the OP. Ds was playing up and ran off, dp pursued, he didnt chase the child out of the house, he ran after him. I don't think that's inherently aggressive. Whiskey and brandy are called 'karate water' where I'm from, for a bloody good reason. If he's a nasty prick without it though, that's another matter.

Thanks for your update, Bird. I'm really sorry you're going through this. You must feel as though all the rugs have been pulled from under your feet.

I find his unrelated remark about watching a movie very scary after you'd just answered his question about how you were feeling. He didn't just ignore you - he both raised the issue of last night and dismissed it, in the space of two texts.

This can't be excused as embarrassment or awkwardness. It suggests a pattern of thinking, whereby you both know he did something shocking but he dictates it doesn't matter. That, of course, is a perfect abusive set-up. I realise most readers of this post will feel I'm jumping to conclusions - and it's true that I'm basing my opinion on decades of experience in abusive relationships. However, there's no way on earth this sequence of events illustrates a balanced, safe and happy relationship.

You've clearly highlighted all the abnormalities. I very much hope you'll decide you and DS deserve far better than to be treated like this even once, and get rid. If you don't, I urge you to get in touch with his ex and perhaps a few of her friends.

All the best.