DP turned on me last night, horrible, drunk and aggressive (long)

[Birdofemanuel]

Basically DS2 (special needs, adhd, aged 12) came home from school full of attitude, ended up arguing with DP, it all blew out of proportion and went too far, DS bolted out of the front door, DP went after him and ended up falling cutting open his hands, legs and hip - result - lots of tension and a very tense and unhappy household.

But DP and I went out as planned (later when he'd had time to cool off and the house was calmer). Went for a meal (lovely) and then met up with friends for a drink in a local pub. everyone having a good time but DP is getting drunker and drunker and by the time we leave the pub for the club, he's switched from lager to whisky - a drink we know turns him aggressive and argumentative. But I watch him carefully, all is ok ... he's having a good time, laughing and joking, dancing, hugging and kissing me - everything seemed fine. Then later on, I'm tipsy too (but he's really drunk by now) I notice he's looking grumpy so I pull the sides of his mouth up into a smile - we always do this to each other and it normally results in the grumpy party laughing and cheering up. This is exactly what happened. He laughed, started pulling daft faces and making "kissing" faces, we were like a couple of teenagers in the dark corners of the club laughing and giggling with one another, he was also poking and prodding my face. All very normal.

Then all of a sudden he turned on me. I can't pin point what made him snap but one minute he was fine and then a split second later he was livid, told me he'd pull whatever face he wanted to pull and that he WAS having a great time until I started "pissing about" with his face. He said he wanted to go home. A little shocked I told everyone we were leaving and we left. In the taxi we didn't speak a word to one another. When we got home he verbally laid into me saying I disrespect him, treat him like shit, obviously hate him and think he's a wanker and he doesn't know why the fuck he bothers with me because I make his life a misery and he's had enough we've had NO arguments or disagreements at all lately so this was totally out of the blue. He goes on to say that if his late father could see him now, he'd be crying at the way his son's life had turned out and the family he'd ended up with . He starts acting really bizare, makes me a cup of tea and then shouts at me for drinking it saying "what the fuck are you drinking that for?? you hate me remember, fucking put it down!" and then I look at him as he's raging at me and he shouts "don't you fucking look at me!! you couldn't stand to look at me a minute ago so don't you fucking look at me now!" When I speak he starts mimicking me like a school boy, he laughed when he could see he was upsetting me and said "oh don't worry, you'll find somebody else, you'd find some other wanker who'll put up with your shit and your fun house kids - infact, why not go back to the fucking club and grab one of those blokes you were looking at in there?" (not the first time he's accused me of this).

In the end he storms off upstairs saying "don't worry, I'll fuck off in the morning and you'll never see me again".

As I'm getting in bed I accidently touch him slightly and he shouts "what the fuck are you touching me for??? I'm a fucking wanker remember! you fucking hate me remember! don't fucking touch me now!" by this point I'm actually getting a bit concerned and gently put my hand on his shoulder and said quietly, nicely and calmly "D*, please calm down - I don't know what has made you so angry but you're really upsetting me, we never talk to each other like this" he replies with "Oh!! I'm upsetting you am I!! oh dear, I'm sorry, what a bastard I am, I'm upsetting you! oh my god! you're upset!" and then laughs. I said "this is really out of character for you, I'll talk to you when you sober up" he then grabs my hand, pushes it away from him and turns to me saying "get away from me, go on, turn over" and starts trying to push me over. I shout "just stop it now, you're starting to hurt me" and he laughs and shouts "oh come on! fucking hell I better call the police on myself then" and starts a ridiculous routine of him on the phone to the police.

Eventually I snap and say "how old are you? jesus you're acting like a 7 year old. Just go to sleep". He replies "yes I will do, and in the morning I'm fucking off and I can't wait to be rid of you". I cave and start to cry. He shouts "oh fucking hell here we go, don't be fucking crying all night! don't know why you're so bothered anyway, you hate me and I've never loved you anyway" He then starts prodding at me saying "stop crying, stop it" etc etc.

Eventually I drop off to sleep. This morning I wake up thinking "jesus, that was a side to him I never want to see again! wonder what he'll think when he sobers up!" - he wakes up - sober - stares at me for a few minutes and then says "you want me to fuck off now do you?" - Only when I go along with it and say "yes, it's probably best that you leave" does he go back on it saying he can't leave as he loves me too much etc etc. He doesn't apologise but makes excuses saying he'd had a shit day and I was slagging him off too (untrue).

Around lunch time today he finally comes over to me, puts his arms around me and says "I'm so sorry about last night, I was a complete prick and I'm so sorry I hurt and upset you".

We've been together just over a year. I'm in total shock at his behaviour.

[garlicyoni]

I really hope you've chucked him out and are solving the world's problems on your sofa with a great friend and a bottle of something, OP!

If not, though, keep posting ... :)

[HubbaHubbaHubbaInHoobLand]

How about getting the dp some help in his aggression/controlling ways. Sounds like there are deeper issues here. Shocked how many people would just tell him to fuck off.

[MandragoraWurzelstock]

Do you honestly think it's her job to get this chap some help?

[HubbaHubbaHubbaInHoobLand]

isnt that what marriage is supposed to be about? Helping the one you love?

[HubbaHubbaHubbaInHoobLand]

Just realised theyre not married but still they are a partnership

[Sailormercury]

Its not up to the OP to "fix" him.

[AThingInYourLife]

They are in a "partnership" of a year's standing.

She has moved a dangerous man in with her vulnerable children.

Now she needs to help the people she is actually responsible for and get this bastard out of their home.

[MandragoraWurzelstock]

'isnt that what marriage is supposed to be about? Helping the one you love?'

I'd argue that it's more about not attacking the one you love actually...where does HIS responsibility come into this for you, Hubba?

[TheYoniKeeper]

He hasn't even apologized...

This sounds rubbish & I'd be fuming. Being drunk is no excuse for that, sorry.

[Helltotheno]

Partnership? Don't be ridiculous.
The only partnership here should be op and her kids. He's just a shag mate of a years standing, being put into a role he's clearly not fit for and doesn't want. Op's loyalty should be to her dc, but him.
There were red flags there from his last relationship the op chose to ignore, but I'm inclined to think this will all blow over until next time.
As for the whole thing of having to police his drinking to make sure he stays away from the whiskey?! Please. .. a twunt is a twunt, whiskey or not.

[Helltotheno]

Not him. ... (Sorry phone)

[TheYoniKeeper]

Drink is no excuse.

Going by his last relationship & the general pattern of this sort of behavior, the chances of this being a one off are slim, though it may not happen again for a while

I would strongly consider leaving this man, for the DC's sake as well as yours.

[claudedebussy]

here is a serious wakeup call.

if i were you, and i had any doubt, i'd be calling up his ex-wife. the writing is on the wall and you have been warned. it doesn't get better, no matter what he says because he's upping the stakes to see what you'll take.

let him stay now and you're saying you can do whatever the hell you like to me, i'll take it.

for the sake of your ds, kick him out.

[TheYoniKeeper]

Agree with claude

That was unacceptable behavior & he knows it. Some of the things he said are massive red flags that you can't afford to ignore.

[onetiredmummy]

OP if you do come back I'd like clarification of the ds incident please. Why did your dp chase him & what do you mean by it 'went too far'.

I think you will forgive him despite what any of us on here say, & that's your decision as an intelligent rational adult. But please remember your ds doesn't have that luxury of choice & while you can gloss over his behaviour to you, if he turns on your children you are failing to keep them safe.

If he had woken up full of remorse & apologetic then it may be different but he didn't. It took until LUNCHTIME when he saw you weren't going to back down easily before he apologised. And that means he's marked you out as needing more severe treatment next time to break your 'unreasonableness'.

I think you should leave him, now. But I know you haven't so I would like you to make sure your kids are safe & that you have a plan B ready for when this happens again. This includes a secret money stash for petrol/train tickets & a plan to where you would run to.

Also remember that we are always here, just because you don't take our advice :) doesn't mean we won't help you next time so please don't be embarrassed or ashamed to come back if you need to.

x

[flaminghoopsaloohlah]

Hi OP. I agree with most everyone here: abusive individual showing some massive red flags.

Please get out of this relationship. He is testing your boundaries: every boundary he breaks through gives him the green light to ratchet things up the next time around.

A year into my relationship with exH there had been at least a half dozen red flags that went over my head: I wish they hadn't; the man almost completely destroyed my life several years down the line.

Please see this for what it is: A VERY DANGEROUS SITUATION.

[WishIdbeenatigermum]

Who's house is it?
I agree with the other posters. This is a dangerous situation and you need to end it immediately. I hope there are no complicating factors, his house shared dcs, etc. if not, just cease contact immediately.

[SparklyVampire]

Sweetheart I know how hard it is to walk away from someone you love especially when they are sweet and telling you how much they love you. Sometimes the relationship threads are very quick to throw about leave the bastard, we all know it isn't that easy in reality.
I think in this case you need to listen, as others have said he is showing you his true colours, he has TOLD you who he is, Please listen to him.

Living with an abuser is no sort of life, waking up with a sick feeling in the pit of your stomach wondering who he will be today, the anxiety, watching your every word just in case you say something he will take offence at. Believe me nothing you do will be good enough and the demands will just get bigger and bigger.
He will never be the person you fell in love with and things won't go back to how they were, it just can't.
I am so sorry you have to go through this, but if you can't leave for you, then do it for your children. They didn't ask to live with this monster and it isn't fair.

[Lueji]

You are one year into the relationship and he's starting to show his true colours.
I'd believe his ex.

Walk away now.

[QuintessentialOHara]

Have you abandoned your thread because you have decided to give him "one more chance"?

The only chance you are giving him, is the one where you show him that you will put up with him abusing both you and your son.

I hope you have told him to leave.

[TheRealFellatio]

If you've only been with him a year then it's perfectly possible that he has always had this tendency but you are only just seeing it. I think he loves you but is struggling to like your kids, especially your 12 yo who sounds challenging.

If he is living with you after only a year and you have a child who is particularly challenging then perhaps it's best if he moved out and you focused on your child. An unhappy home with a challenging teenager and a resentful stepfather is a recipe for disaster. Plus, there is nothing so tedious and soul-destroying as a man who gets all argumentative, aggressive and confrontational every time he gets very drunk. You are not so deep into this that you cannot get out easily.

I wouldn't say leave him all together yet (necessarily) but certainly I think he should move out. He doesn't sound able to cope with your children. My gut feeling is that he will behave like this again at some point though.

[MandragoraWurzelstock]

Fellatio that does sound a bit like you're blaming the child, I have to say.

[TheYoniKeeper]

I think fellatio was just trying to see it from all angles.

It's in no way the kids fault but it might be a catalyst for his already-not-great behaviour??

I think anyway !

[milk]

"he's switched from lager to whisky - a drink we know turns him aggressive and argumentative"


Why did you let him drink the whisky?!?!?