DP turned on me last night, horrible, drunk and aggressive (long)

[Birdofemanuel]

Basically DS2 (special needs, adhd, aged 12) came home from school full of attitude, ended up arguing with DP, it all blew out of proportion and went too far, DS bolted out of the front door, DP went after him and ended up falling cutting open his hands, legs and hip - result - lots of tension and a very tense and unhappy household.

But DP and I went out as planned (later when he'd had time to cool off and the house was calmer). Went for a meal (lovely) and then met up with friends for a drink in a local pub. everyone having a good time but DP is getting drunker and drunker and by the time we leave the pub for the club, he's switched from lager to whisky - a drink we know turns him aggressive and argumentative. But I watch him carefully, all is ok ... he's having a good time, laughing and joking, dancing, hugging and kissing me - everything seemed fine. Then later on, I'm tipsy too (but he's really drunk by now) I notice he's looking grumpy so I pull the sides of his mouth up into a smile - we always do this to each other and it normally results in the grumpy party laughing and cheering up. This is exactly what happened. He laughed, started pulling daft faces and making "kissing" faces, we were like a couple of teenagers in the dark corners of the club laughing and giggling with one another, he was also poking and prodding my face. All very normal.

Then all of a sudden he turned on me. I can't pin point what made him snap but one minute he was fine and then a split second later he was livid, told me he'd pull whatever face he wanted to pull and that he WAS having a great time until I started "pissing about" with his face. He said he wanted to go home. A little shocked I told everyone we were leaving and we left. In the taxi we didn't speak a word to one another. When we got home he verbally laid into me saying I disrespect him, treat him like shit, obviously hate him and think he's a wanker and he doesn't know why the fuck he bothers with me because I make his life a misery and he's had enough we've had NO arguments or disagreements at all lately so this was totally out of the blue. He goes on to say that if his late father could see him now, he'd be crying at the way his son's life had turned out and the family he'd ended up with . He starts acting really bizare, makes me a cup of tea and then shouts at me for drinking it saying "what the fuck are you drinking that for?? you hate me remember, fucking put it down!" and then I look at him as he's raging at me and he shouts "don't you fucking look at me!! you couldn't stand to look at me a minute ago so don't you fucking look at me now!" When I speak he starts mimicking me like a school boy, he laughed when he could see he was upsetting me and said "oh don't worry, you'll find somebody else, you'd find some other wanker who'll put up with your shit and your fun house kids - infact, why not go back to the fucking club and grab one of those blokes you were looking at in there?" (not the first time he's accused me of this).

In the end he storms off upstairs saying "don't worry, I'll fuck off in the morning and you'll never see me again".

As I'm getting in bed I accidently touch him slightly and he shouts "what the fuck are you touching me for??? I'm a fucking wanker remember! you fucking hate me remember! don't fucking touch me now!" by this point I'm actually getting a bit concerned and gently put my hand on his shoulder and said quietly, nicely and calmly "D*, please calm down - I don't know what has made you so angry but you're really upsetting me, we never talk to each other like this" he replies with "Oh!! I'm upsetting you am I!! oh dear, I'm sorry, what a bastard I am, I'm upsetting you! oh my god! you're upset!" and then laughs. I said "this is really out of character for you, I'll talk to you when you sober up" he then grabs my hand, pushes it away from him and turns to me saying "get away from me, go on, turn over" and starts trying to push me over. I shout "just stop it now, you're starting to hurt me" and he laughs and shouts "oh come on! fucking hell I better call the police on myself then" and starts a ridiculous routine of him on the phone to the police.

Eventually I snap and say "how old are you? jesus you're acting like a 7 year old. Just go to sleep". He replies "yes I will do, and in the morning I'm fucking off and I can't wait to be rid of you". I cave and start to cry. He shouts "oh fucking hell here we go, don't be fucking crying all night! don't know why you're so bothered anyway, you hate me and I've never loved you anyway" He then starts prodding at me saying "stop crying, stop it" etc etc.

Eventually I drop off to sleep. This morning I wake up thinking "jesus, that was a side to him I never want to see again! wonder what he'll think when he sobers up!" - he wakes up - sober - stares at me for a few minutes and then says "you want me to fuck off now do you?" - Only when I go along with it and say "yes, it's probably best that you leave" does he go back on it saying he can't leave as he loves me too much etc etc. He doesn't apologise but makes excuses saying he'd had a shit day and I was slagging him off too (untrue).

Around lunch time today he finally comes over to me, puts his arms around me and says "I'm so sorry about last night, I was a complete prick and I'm so sorry I hurt and upset you".

We've been together just over a year. I'm in total shock at his behaviour.

[magoria]

Cat you may be better starting a new thread of u our own.

[Skang]

Do you really think the OP is going to read this five years later?

ZOMBIE THREAD

[catwhite1]

So what happened, did you leave him or are things still the same? I'm interested to know for my own situation.

[AnAirOfHope]

Op read back your first post.

It tells you everything.

[Jux]

Birdofemanual, you know that this is the shape of things to come, don't you?

In one way, you are very lucky as he is showing you how he is going to treat you in the future - more often and more extreme. You need to split, get him out. He is unpredictable and violent. He will not stop drinking, he will continue to treat you like this when he does, and he will get worse.

This is not a good relationship. He is not a good man. He is not worth it. You deserve better.

Good luck.

[forumdonkey]

Just remember the fear, abuse and humiliation from that night to get you to end it with pathetic abusive thug, because if you don't you will be living with it on a daily basis and more importantly so will you children. If you can't do it for yourself do it for your kids because they only get one childhood and deserve to live in a happy home, not one where mum is being physically and verbally abused, in fear and treading on egg shells.

[TheYoniKeeper]

OP, I know you're probably reading these replies and feeling quite defensive/overwhelmed but I hope you can take on board what has been said...as it has all been said with your/your DCs best interests at heart.

[Snazzynewyear]

Agree with Quintessential above - he knows this is what happens and deliberately uses it as his get out of jail order card. I would tell him you have now worked out that he knows this happens and hasn't changed his behaviour, therefore he has to go as you won't live with it even once more. Honestly, he is not worth any effort you may be thinking about making.

And on the karma front - perhaps that episode in your life can now be seen as having some value, in showing you what's going on now and what you need to do about it.

[Fairenuff]

Oh your poor, poor son. He has SN and needs extra special care and kindness. How could you let this man in his life. The poor boy must be beside himself. So young, only 12 years old, needing positive male role models around him and safe environment to express his emerging teenage self. I really feel for him

[Lueji]

He is getting worse and he will get worse. :(

I wouldn't let such a person with me and my son, let alone if he had SN.

For your sakes dump him now.

Ps- for the record, in the OP Bird said she told him it was out of character. Everything else she mentioned actually told us it wasn't

[AnAirOfHope]

Are you so desprate for love you can be treated like shit when he drinks and its ok if he scares your kid?

[MandragoraWurzelstock]

Looking forwards, OP - have you thought about leaving him? Do you have any RL support to help you through it? There's the chance he will become quite difficult to get rid of but usually with this sort of coward, they fuck off after a short while because they know you won't stand for any shit.

That is if you make it clear you won't stand for it.

Your child, or children will be feeling very helpless against the threat he represents. I only say this because I had a similar boyfriend. You're not to blame for getting together with him not knowing he was a prick, but now you know, it's important that you do get shot because the longer he is around, the longer and harder it'll be for the damage to heal.

My children talked about my ex for quite a long time after he left and we w ere only together for a few months - lots of stuff came out that I'd no idea had happened, because they were afraid I'd be upset if they said.

[Guitargirl]

Oh God, please leave him, please. He sounds like a vile, abusive controller. It will happen again - you know that don't you? If your feelings for him haven't died after being treated like that then they will, believe me.

[Sailormercury]

He reminds me of someone my DM used to go out with. Does he engineer situations where you have to give him proof of how much you love him?

[meddie]

I,m sorry, but despite whether you love him or this is just a blip, which I dont believe it is, because hes waving more red flags than North korea. the fact that he called my SN child a 'fun house kid' would be the dealbreaker. that is a horrible attitude and I wouldnt want any adult around my child who thought about them in that way.
You are their mother and it is your responsibility to protect your children from harm, staying with this man who is escalating his abuse towards you and who is showing signs of verbal abuse towards your child should be enough to kick him out. Despite whether you will miss him or you don't want to be single again. Your child should be your priority.

[TheRealFellatio]

Three incidents in a year. so not so out of character after all then. How long has he been living in your house with your kids?

[piratecat]

op, friend of mine is going thru this. I live nowhere near her.

He gets nasty, he is sorry, he does again.

I don't know how honest she has been with me, but i know how nasty he has got. Like you said a side to him she never saw for two years.

[Ledkr]

Good grief get him out before it goes any further Bd if you've been together only a year why the fuck is he chasing after your sn child on such a state that he falls over??

[bringbacksideburns]

Oh and the very fact he is acting the way he is now, as if he's not really done anything wrong and you should just shrug it off, suggests to me that because you have done it in the past , he thinks you will in the future.

He will do it again and again and say "Oh well, you know i'm a bit of a Prick when i drink."

[Flojobunny]

You've been together just 1 year and you've seen him drunk 'loads of times'. Lovely isn't he.
I wouldn't let this aggressive idiot anywhere near my DC and if he said such vile things to me he'd be out the door, its a total breach of trust, how can you ever trust him or forgive him?
I know its hard to leave. I was in a similar situation a few months ago and after taking him back time and time again, I finally listened to MN and called it a day. It was hard, especially in the evenings when all I wanted to do was speak to the 'nice' him but I just came on here instead and focused on my DC and giving them a stable life.

[pepperrabbit]

So, three incidents, each one nastier than the previous one.
So many red flags - you and your kids are worth more than this.
As I said last night - next time he goes out, how will you feel?
Do you want to be frightened of how he's going to behave, that you might do the wrong thing? You won't know what the "wrong thing" is though.

[AnyFucker]

No, it's not karma

Childhood manipulations have no comparison with the behaviour of an emotionally abusive grown man

[bringbacksideburns]

Right. What are you going to do?

You do realise that you've only been with him a year and he's a wanker don't you? That's at least 3 occasions in a very short space of time when he has been aggressive and abusive towards you and you are blaming drink. Did your kids hear all of it, when he was saying he's never loved you and telling you to fuck off etc

This is a MAJOR red flag for you to get him the hell out of there. He is insulting your children, this is the family he has 'ended up with.'

Show him the door. I'd rather be single then take second best, and that's what he is. His wife divorced him for a very real and scary reason OP.

[Birdofemanuel]

I also feel like he was enjoying the argument on Friday night. It felt like he was pushing and pushing and relishing in the thought of being able to upset me to such a degree. In fact, I recognised his behaviour in myself. I was an awkward child and I remember having a friend who, when I was upset I would start an argument with her and watch her get upset ... I'd push and push and the more upset she got, the more it felt like an achievement. I loved the drama of it. Sounds awful now and I've dealt with my issues from that period but I recognised it in him. The way he said he was going to break up with me and then watched as I recoiled before adding "don't worry, you'll find someone else" just to really rub the salt in the wound - then watching my reaction to that he added "some other wanker who'll put up with you" .... push push push ....

And then as soon as I said "ok, you're obviously not happy, leave" he panicked and as cool as he thought he could without being too obvious he decided "actually, not sure if I want to leave - lets see how we go? maybe after a week or so I'll decide I really do want to leave and I'll go" but then when I pushed back further and insisted that he leave now his response became "I don't want to leave, I love you".

Again, reminded me of my childhood friend:

me - "you do my head in"
her (upset) "why?? I have not done anything to you!"
me - "you're just so annoying"
her (more upset) "I'm sorry! what do you want me to do?"
me - (loving it) "there is nothing you can do, I've made my mind up we shouldn't be friends"
her - "Ok, if that's how you feel ... "
me - (shit! panic panic) "well, I mean I'll think about it first and let you know"
her - "no you're probably right, we're always arguing"
me - (fuck, I need to fix this) "no I think we'll be ok actually ... I need you"

god maybe it's karma.

[AnyFucker]

I would say