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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

i need advice on leaving my husband

21 replies

cazzyap · 13/04/2013 14:50

ive been with him for 20 years but married for 9 . Things have gone from bad to worse over the last few years. But now im just so tierd i carnt do it anymore im losing my kids because of him x

OP posts:
HeySoulSister · 13/04/2013 14:51

how are you losing your kids? how old are they?

Original poster
cazzyap · 13/04/2013 15:04

my three eldist kids have left and have said there not coming home till hes gone there 19,18,16 i know there old enought to go but its killing me there not here. its just me and my two boys.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 13/04/2013 15:08

Are you in any physical danger? Is he violent or abusive? Would he leave if you asked/told him to go?

Original poster
cazzyap · 13/04/2013 15:14

he is but hes clever with it never gets court. He wouldnt go ive asked /told and it got me nowere just in more trouble . he is very manipulative he can turn on the charm very well if you know what i mean

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 13/04/2013 15:29

Have you called Womens Aid? 0808 2000 247 It doesn't matter how clever he thinks he is at hiding the abuse, tell them your story and let them advise you how to get yourself and your children out of the house safely. Once you're safe, you can start legal proceedings to officially end the marriage.

Do you have access to your own money? A bank account? Do you have friends or family that you could call on for support? If your older children have gone, I'm assuming that it's no secret things are bad.

Original poster
cazzyap · 13/04/2013 15:39

the police know whats going on somthing happend the other week but he got away with it (again!). i have no cash of my own and the only family i have are his and thay dont want to know because of him . i just dont know what the hell to do i feel traped .

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 13/04/2013 15:43

Do give Womens Aid a call. They are very good at helping women in your situation.

Lueji · 13/04/2013 15:46

Definitely call WA and if you can a solicitor.

He may be clever, but you don't have to stay there with him.

Original poster
cazzyap · 13/04/2013 15:48

i will try i just dont know how i can leave im scared he would find me

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 13/04/2013 15:52

I know you're scared, don't worry. But take heart that the police are aware of him. Even if he 'got away with it' he's on their radar. You can call their Domestic Violence team any time... you don't have to be pressing charges. You've got your older DCs who I'd hope will back you up. Womens Aid are very good at helping women who need to be kept safe. If they recommend a shelter to you and if you tell no-one where/when you're going then he won't be able to find you.

Original poster
cazzyap · 13/04/2013 16:01

i know but the last time he kicked off he managed to get my 16 year old (girl) arrested thats why she carnt come home . and me the time before that it was me that was arrested thats how good he is. but what about school for my kids thay have exams i just feel like im letting them down so much .

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 13/04/2013 16:12

How are you letting them down if you're getting them away from a violent father? If you've got several children there are years of exams ahead of them. I'n not sure how realistic it is to think you can put up with abuse until the last one has left school. Schools are actually very good these days if you give them the information. They will make allowances and handle things sensitively.

Your husband isn't clever at all btw. The police may have had to arrest you or your DD for technical reasons but, if you talk to them now rather than when it's all kicking off, I am absolutely sure they will be well aware that the source of the violence is him and not you.

HeySoulSister · 13/04/2013 16:14

who are your other children living with now?

exams can be re taken. how old are the children who live with you?

and who says the 16 year old cant come home? is there an agency already involved with your family situation?

Original poster
cazzyap · 13/04/2013 16:20

i know im sorry my head is a mess. i just dont know what to do

OP posts:
Original poster
cazzyap · 13/04/2013 16:26

19 year with bf and the others are with his sisters one in scotland and the other down the road the 16 carnt come back cause she on bail . and no agency no . and the boys are 13 and 11

OP posts:
BoltingBrenda · 13/04/2013 16:27

Call Women's Aid as soon as you can - and listen to what CogitoErgoSometimes said about you NOT letting your children down by protecting them.

Original poster
cazzyap · 13/04/2013 16:32

i will im just so afraid sad and tired i just dont know if i can cope

OP posts:
BoltingBrenda · 13/04/2013 16:40

The difficult thing is that you HAVE to cope somehow - and that includes being afraid, sad and tired - your children are in the middle of this nightmare and need you to lead them out of it any way you can. Wishing you courage and determination that you CAN do this.

Original poster
cazzyap · 13/04/2013 16:47

i know i have to go i dont want him to find me on here i will be back soon x thanks for the advice i will be back for more thanks again x

OP posts:
BoltingBrenda · 14/04/2013 16:05

We're all still here cazzycap - hope you are okay?

ISeeBeforeMe · 14/04/2013 21:23

Hi cazzycap,

i hope you are okay. Please call Womens Aid.

I called them on Thursday. a few hours later I was SAFE.

I have some clothes, I have no money, but I am safe and I am FREE.

Best wishes xx

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