AIBU re two hours off?

[Happydotcom]

I had a terrible time with PND since ds was born. He's now nearly two and I'd arranged some counselling sessions via GP.

DH came home to look after ds so I could go . I said I'd be gone 1800-2000 with traveling time. Ds had been fine all day and turned phone on silent when I arrived at session.

After my hr was up, I checked my phone.....10 missed calls and horrible texts from DH " if you can be bothered to answer..your son our son is being sick. You need to get home now.

I called as soon as I could and he went nuclear saying I need to get back o start cleaning up!

Arrived home, ds was fine. Vomit everywhere, pile of washing dumped on landing ' for me to do'

AIBU to have gone.....? Ds was honestly fine before and after I got home. He made me feel so guilty for going. It wasn't like I was clubbing!

Yes you need a lawyer. Can you start making copies of important documents like his payslips, his bank statement etc. Do you even know how much money he has in his account?

Tethering makes an excellent point - if there really was an emergency, he would've contacted the counsellor's office to get them to interrupt the session, if needs be.

But more importantly, as a trained medical professional, even with this being his own sick child, he would've known exactly what to do if things had genuinely turned v serious.

It really was all to make you feel guilty and a bad mother, ec., etc., so you'll 'know your place' and not dare have time to yourself, have independence, get help, have to rely on him, not have to make him demean himself with the things that are apparently your tasks, and soon. Totally trying to undermine you. Is the classic actions of an abuser to appear supportive then undermine you in ways that they can just about get away with passing off as reasonable (well, Mn doesn't think so, but YKWIM). It's so they can appear good to the outside world, kid themselves they are good and make you doubt yourself, and feel crappy and wonder of you're going mad to know that he has done something shitty and abusive to you, but his reasoning makes adequate sense, aaaargh!

Tell your counsellor at your next session. And do go to that next session, don't let him put you off. Be prepared for him being unable to look after his children at the last minute, too. That's a very common stunt.

Thank you all....MNetters are wonderful!

Sorry for disappearing. Ds has been so clingy / not sleeping much its been difficult to get near my iPad or anything else.

I'm going to tell my counsellor about his disgusting behaviour. I don't mean to drip feed but remembered last night that a couple of months ago, I went out to dinner with two colleagues ( it's rare we get time off together without various dc in tow).

Ds had a bad excema flare up at the time and kept waking up . He texted me that I should come come as ds needed me. When I didn't respond, he texted to say " I've had enough. I'm leaving him to scream" I did leave early 2100hrs as couldn't bear the thought of ds being distressed and no one comforting him. When I got back 20 mins later. Ds was fast asleep.

The worst thing is H doesn't think he's doing anything wrong and always says hell be devastated if I left and take ds.

I kind of feel a bit lost, trapped and lonely if I'm honest .

I'm going to cab next week to see the best way forward.

I'm so great full to everyone and their advice. You've made sense and help put things into perspective . :)

Gosh. No wonder you have PND.

Your "H" sounds awful.

I'm so glad you are starting to see him for what he really is. He is clearly showing a pattern of trying to alienate you from outside influence, a very common and classic sign of abuse.
The suggestion of him making your DS sick on purpose sounded fanciful on the surface but the more you have posted, the more likely it sounds.
Be very, very careful. For both yourself and for your son.

YANBU. Blimey I feel really sorry for you, your hubbie sounds awful. Sorry that may not be very helpful, but it is easy to see why you have had PND with a partner like that. I really think you should talk to him about his attitude, otherwise you are going to be anxious every time you go to your counselling and you won't get the benefit you need and deserve. Maybe talk to the counsellor first about how to best approach it, as your husband sounds rather explosive???

always says hell be devastated if I left and take ds.

Have you threatened to leave before, then? Why was that?

Your 'H' is a trained medical professional, yet he feels the need to call you and insist you return asap to help out in a minor medical problem, which he is massively more qualified to deal with than you are .
And he has done this before , re the excema flair up , so he has previous.

Happy Think about the past. Does he repeatedly call and text if you are involved in anything outside the home that does not benefit him in any way?

Does it not strike you as strange that both of you had a child , yet you have to pay for the nursery fees for your child , leaving you without your own income?

Why no joint bank account ? He probably earns in excess of £100K , so enough to live on but you dont have any access to it .

Moscow May Day Parade has fewer red flags

Any incidences of gaslighting ? moving / relocating you away from friends and family?

The smell of vomit is designed to make us ill, It goes back to our caveman days when everyone ate the same meal. If was rotten and one person was ill , everyone else was 'encouraged' to be sick to remove the spoilt food from their gut.

However , its only abit of sick and some disinfectant and a good scrub will remove the smell very quickly.

He does sound like a 50's Dad . I go out and earn the money and you will do my bidding at home little woman . He needs a hard reset for sure.

Renter - yes. He shouted at me as ds had woken him . I told him I didn't deserve to be spoken to like that, especially when little ds could hear.

happy it is worrying that three times that you have said about you have left the house to do something for you but then ds's minor ailment has 'flared up' yet twice you went home to him being asleep...

If your ds is being used as a pawn to hurt you, how will that affect him as a child and adult? He needs protecting from this doesn't he.

So you are supposed to not do the thing that will 'devastate' him but he can totally disregard your feelings? Forget that. Get yourself and your DS out of there. I bet your depression will improve surprisingly quickly once you do.

Sounds like you've got two kids to deal with, and its not the one in nappies who's the issue.

What excuse did hubby give to justify his behaviour?

Please call Women's Aid and talk to them. I think you are going to need as much rl support as you can get, as well as posting here.

There is no doubt in my mind that your h is abusing you, and you are being well and truly ground down. Please don't let it happen.

Also, I have just seen this yhread is in AIBU. I think you would benefit if you were to ask MN to move it to Relationships.

The more I read, the more angry I get for you and your Ds, you poor thing.

Do you know what really stands out for me? That he is a Dr yet he is using health problems to manipulate you with. Technically, these are things that he should be able to deal with better and more confidently than you - I mean, I'm presuming that he doesn't get you to come into the surgery to deal with patients presenting with skin complaints or tummy bugs, does he?! - and yet every time you do anything that remotely smacks of you having any freedom, any independence, any fun, anything that benefits you, anything outside of him and the home, most importantly, he rings and tries to manipulate you into giving all that up and rushing home because your DS is ill. Or so he says

It is so red flag-alicious that he uses health as his tool. It comes across as him playing some game with himself to see how far he can control and browbeat you; like he's thinking "We both know I am not just capable of looking after an ill child, but am trained to do so professionally, but I am going to pretend to be unable to do it in such a way that the only eay that you won't look bad is to acquiesce". It's like he's trying to make you bend to his will in such a way that you know that he is abusing and controlling, you cannot tell yourself otherwise because he's pretending he can't do his own job, essentially, which is bullshit, BUT at the same time, because it's about your child's health, he knows you will look like an uncaring mother if you call his bluff or don't come home to check on your child.

To do that would be higly abusive in itself, but the fact that he is a GP makes it extra-sadistic and game-playing.

Having a father like this is training for your son to grow up to be an abuser too. I think his sake and your sake are far more important here than your OH being devastated (and what he means is that you splitting up will ruin his image as the marvellous family man Dr Saint).

I agree that the red flags are waving. You've already had some good advice. When you go to your session next week, can you leave DS with someone else?

Regarding money, do you receive the child benefit into your account? Does your husband give you a regular amount of money or do you have to justify each spend to him?

Hello

We've moved this to Relationships now at the OP's request.

Adding my support to you OP, I think it's less PND and more your partner is a nasty abusive arse

Well a doctor should not panic if a child is ill! How ridiculous. This is more about his control of you.

I receive child benefit as he's doing research at the mo. I only have my income, after nursery fees is about £200 per month. :(

Thank you turnip.

I agree that this is nasty manipulation and the financial abuse is another red flag. I am another who sufered severe depression twice in my life and both times coincided with when I was with controlling abusive partners.