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Original poster

AIBU re two hours off?

164 replies

Happydotcom · 12/04/2013 12:28

I had a terrible time with PND since ds was born. He's now nearly two and I'd arranged some counselling sessions via GP.

DH came home to look after ds so I could go . I said I'd be gone 1800-2000 with traveling time. Ds had been fine all day and turned phone on silent when I arrived at session.

After my hr was up, I checked my phone.....10 missed calls and horrible texts from DH " if you can be bothered to answer..your son our son is being sick. You need to get home now.

I called as soon as I could and he went nuclear saying I need to get back o start cleaning up!

Arrived home, ds was fine. Vomit everywhere, pile of washing dumped on landing ' for me to do'

AIBU to have gone.....? Ds was honestly fine before and after I got home. He made me feel so guilty for going. It wasn't like I was clubbing!

OP posts:
TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 12/04/2013 17:52

God, I hadn't read all your posts when I posted. This man is a bellend.

How are household bills paid?

GoLadyEdith · 12/04/2013 17:53

You poor thing Happydotcom. It's just not on, how he behaved. My dh isn't the world's 'newest' man but although he's busy and works long hours he pulls his weight in sickness and in health. Which is how it should be. Just after new year he organised to send me away to a hotel for the w/e (I'd been v stressed following some bad news re my health). When I came back it emerged 3 of our 4 dcs, and DH himself, had been knocked out by a vomiting virus. I was only 45 minutes away and could have come home to help, but he didn't breathe a word of it when we spoke on the phone.

Your dh should be supporting you at this difficult time, not making things worse. Sad

fuzzpig · 12/04/2013 18:08

Speechless.

Except for "LTB"

OxfordBags · 12/04/2013 18:41

When I read your OP, Happy, my heart sank, because I knew as the thread went on, you'd disclose further evidence of him being abusive. All in ways that outsiders might pass off as him being 'useless' (men can't handle ill children - it makes their cocks fall off!)or him having a vaguely plausible excuse for it, like not having joint bank account, and so on.

I would suggest that you just have depression in its own right, due to being in an abusive relationship (remember abusive doesn't have to mean Mick and Mairead Philpott levels!). The more we read, the clearer it gets that there's a helluva lot of pointers for abuse. Over in relationships, there's a lot of good help and tough love :)

PS My Dh has emetophobia (phobia of vomit and vomiting) and he dealt with our Ds when he had the norovirus, poor thing. Because he loves him and wanted to deal with it.

OxfordBags · 12/04/2013 18:41

(not that I didn't help, naturally!)

HumphreyCobbler · 12/04/2013 18:48

Sorry RevoltingPeasant - I missed that two people including the OP posted about a haircut

Dumdeedumdeedum · 12/04/2013 18:52

Do you think he needs to build his confidence as a father? Maybe you should leave them together for the weekend, go somewhere quiet and have a think. 2 birds with one stone...

HumphreyCobbler · 12/04/2013 18:55

He is a doctor, he should be able to cope with an ill child.

HumphreyCobbler · 12/04/2013 18:58

Sorry, I should have said

He is a father, he should be able to cope with his ill child without disturbing his wife's important appointment....

mrscoleridge · 12/04/2013 19:03

Wow, totally shocked by this. A doctor cannot look after a sick child and understand how important counselling is also? Its no wonder you are struggling. As said up thread maybe one text to put you in the picture and say don't worry am coping etc. I am sure counsellors would also not be impressed by phones ringing in sessions. Unacceptable IMO. Also a PhD and cannot put on washing machine?

cathpip · 12/04/2013 19:05

The words, "is'nt sickness your profession, deal with it" might of spilled out of my mouth, what an absolute knob!!!

mrscoleridge · 12/04/2013 19:08

Also the idea that this is somehow 'time off' makes me fume

Ionasky · 12/04/2013 19:16

making you pay for all the nursery from your money is outrageous, I've never heard anything like it, your son is not just your 'problem' suggest seeing a lawyer so you are informed.

Toasttoppers · 12/04/2013 19:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jux · 12/04/2013 19:51

Toasttoppers, I'd go further and say his attitude is probably the prime cause of poor Happy's depression.

Glad you've been thinking about an exit strategy. You'll feel so much better once you've done it, and you'll probably have more money too.

Jinsei · 12/04/2013 19:58

Oh OP. :( He sounds seriously abusive. I think you need to get out. You're not going to get better while he is around.

Pilgit · 12/04/2013 20:10

Hope the counselling helps. A few things to remember:

  1. you are a human being and deserve all the respect that goes with it
  2. you are not his servant. However a partnership shares household stuff differs but you are not there to service his whims or needs.
  3. it is nog normal to have separate finances when you are married with children.

You deserve better. Your dc deserves a better example.

ShadowStorm · 12/04/2013 20:16

YANBU.

He's both a doctor and a father. He should have been able to cope with a sick child for 2 hours without making such a fuss about it. And as a doctor, he should have been aware that you'd need to have your phone switched off in the counselling session.

He seems to have a very serious attitude problem.

MagratOfStolat · 12/04/2013 20:18

What. the. actual. fuck.

I think you need to breathe and sit down with him and talk to him directly about it. Any time he throws a wobbly/gets angry/whatever, tell him in a nice and calm voice that you won't be spoken to like a child, and you expect him to cope with criticism like an adult.

You need to make it clear that this behaviour is contributing to your post-natal depression. That you need as much of a break as anyone. That you cannot be expected to drop an incredibly important counselling meeting simply because of a little vomit. That you are just as important as he is. That you need to feel like you are a partnership rather than just a mother with a husband. His son is his responsibility too.

Explain to him that you need to think of your own interests and the interests of your son above everything else. If he does not make an effort to change the way he sees the world and the way he behaves within the relationship, then you will leave. Give him a chance, but if he messes up that chance - stick to it. Let him see that you're serious, and how this behaviour is hindering your recovery.

And here is a piece of advice that I think benefits situations like this.
"It's better to raise a child with two happy yet separate parents, than to raise a child with two unhappy and together ones."

formicaqueen · 12/04/2013 20:36

Your DH is totally out of order.

You are in a counselling session so of course your phone was turned off for one hour. Lot of people have to turn their phone off for work/church/cinema etc .. so I can't see what the problem is.

Secondly, why couldn't your DH deal with the situation and the sick?

formicaqueen · 12/04/2013 20:41

I know your son was sick but he wasn't in A&E seriously poorly. It wasn't an emergency at all.

Your DH sounds awful. Unsupportive and unable to deal with his DC despite being a doctor.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 13/04/2013 00:50

Great post Magrat.

Morloth · 13/04/2013 07:41

I think you need a lawyer more than a counselor.

I would think my DH was pretty pathetic if he couldn't handle a bumped head and a case of the vomits.

WildeRumpus · 13/04/2013 10:49

ah Happy. It sounds like your DH thinks that your son is just yours, and not his? This is so sad for you and your little boy. I wonder what your son was doing/listening to when your DH was making all these calls, surely they would have sounded like the child was being a total pain for him :(

You are very clearly being very controlled by this man, even the way you say the timings you were out indicates this... Normally you would probably be a bit vaguer about the actual hours you were out because really, who cares?! Obviously with your son being ill you would normally go straight home, but DH really did not need to make it your problem the way he did. He wanted to get you back and not just to clean up - but so he could make you feel guilty for daring to go in the first place! What's the alternative tho - you never leave the homestead?!

I think even if you knew nothing about counselling you would assume the phone would be off during such a time. You can hardly be expected to answer your phone while doing something you have to concentrate on so hard (and that often makes you cry a lot). I mean, counselling in its very nature is a private, bounded space for you to objectively think about your life. So in that sense it really does seem like he was sabotaging it for you, making you feel shit for having this space and time... because while you were naval-gazing, lady, your child was SICK. Hmm

So. Why wouldn't he want you to go? Because counselling is about nurturing and developing the self, and he wants you, and your self, under his control, in his house, and preferably, looking after his needs. What if this counselling means you start thinking for yourself?! Or going out more often?! Or finding things outside DS/him/the house that make you happy? He is worried. He is insecure and self-obsessed. And it is making him mean.

be very wary OP and please, look after yourself :) You didn't do anything wrong Thanks

tethering · 13/04/2013 11:21

It strikes me that if he was genuinely worried about your ds being sick, he would have called the counsellor's office. He didn't do that because a) he wasn't that worried b) he didn't want to look incapable c) he didn't want to seem like an arse

His calls and texts were all to your phone as he was trying to negate any positive effect from the counselling as soon as you left. He's very manipulative and it's no wonder you're depressed.

If he's always going to be difficult about it, is it possible you could get someone else to watch ds?

Not to negate your dh's responsibility but because I think its important you get to attend your counselling sessions without them being surrounded by upset and trauma.

If there's no-one else available then be prepared for some crisis every week around your counselling sesssion, accept your dh is going to be difficult and don't let it put you off counselling. Thanks