Hi anyone. This might be long. Also not sure to put it in Relationships or Mental Health 
I've NC'd too.
Back story:
I split up with my ex two years ago. It was a mutual thing- as in we both really didn't want to but had to, because of my mental health. I had been on a downward spiral (we were together 2 1/2 years) for the last 8 months of our R which culminated in a suicide attempt from me. There were lots of tears and we both just couldn't... sigh..carry on like that. The horrible thing was that my MH problems scared me and I took a lot of it out on him. I started focussing on his past relationships/fuck buddies/whatever and convinced myself he had had more fun with/preferred his time with them and the more I needled him about it the more I knew it would be true. Looking back, he adored me. He hadn't had a gf for a while before me and always told me I was something special in many ways and many times ("I've always dreamed of a girl that could be my best friend and lover all in one etc) I hated myself for what I was doing to us but it was like something had taken over me and I did all sorts of awful things- snooped in his FB account and email, found years-old messages to other girls (before he'd even met me) and then cry or shout. They genuinely hurt me though, but I realise I come across as bringing it on myself . I tried all sorts of meds, psychotherapy, a couple made it better for a week but then it would all creep back. Aside from this one problem we got on really well. I also had a MC (unplanned) which I feel sent me over the edge. It was truly a horrible time in my life. I lost stones in weeks, becoming very underweight. I self-harmed to a degree I never had before. And all the time it was like the real me was screaming from inside a glass box, "Why the hell is this even a problem?!" (His past, not MC) My ex once said that he could see in my eyes I didn't want to be this way. He was as understanding as someone with no previous experience of MH can be I guess.
After the SA we stayed together another few months but I was a wreck. We had a 'straw that broke the donkey's back' argument about nothing and decided to break up. I felt free for a few weeks, reconnecting with old friends who said they'd never really liked him and going for days out, festivals (we never went out at all, he preferred to stay in smoking pot, xbox etc which I got bored of but loved him so much I thought it didn't matter). He could also be pompous and I felt 'less than him' sometimes as he always talked about himself and would talk over me constantly. Once he said he was middle class (in a way that insinuated I wasn't) to which I replied that I was too, he paused for a beat and then said "well, upper middle class then". He could also be quite contemptuous to other people if he'd decided he didn't care what they thought of him (but would be all charm to some people's faces then bitch behind their back, then to others he wanted to like him he would go out of his way to put across how great a person he was) And it worried me that he could be like that. I think I lost respect for him because of this (or didn't trust him as much?
Anyway two years on and basically he is always on my mind and I hate it. I sway from wishing I was back in our little house with him and our pet, to just wishing I was totally over him. He asked my best friend over last year and cried to her that he'd never gotten over me, while every other girl he got bored of in a matter of months. She told him to tell me that and he asked me out for a coffee but just talked about bloody Xbox and never mentioned what he said to her.
I lost it a little when I saw him with a girl last year but I'm friends with his housemate who told me "just because he's shagging someone else doesn't mean he doesn't talk about you all the time. I hear more about you than her". I tore myself up thinking he was much happier with her, or imagining him telling her what a horror I am, because that's what he did about his exes to me. She doesn't seem to be in the picture anymore though (and I felt myself hoping she'd seen his true colours, that he'd dumped her etc- Horrible of me)
I wish he would tell me how he feels, even if it's that he hates me, because we never really had closure. But I daren't ask him because I'm worried how I will react if he is hurtful. But then I'm not sure if I would even want to go back although the way I feel tells me I do. I'm in a tentative relationship with a new guy who is really great, up for adventures like me, no bullshit, he is honest and he makes me feel good, not inferior. I would go for it if this wasn't hanging over my head, It's getting worse and I am dreaming of my ex (sometimes he is telling me he's happy with someone else, to which I wake devastated, or he's telling me how miserable he is without me, so I wake up feeling miserable because he hasn't said that in RL)
I just have no clue what to do, and I am sorry for going on. My mind is so messed, I couldn't find my key this morning (after waking up from another dream) and missed my train, so missed a dr's appointment, and had a mini meltdown.
I don't even know why I posted but thank you for giving me this place to vent. I am so sad and sigh and grr. Why do I feel like this? Why did I feel like that?