Inlaws don't like me

[BlackMaryJanes]

Been with DH for 8 years. Went through a financial crisis recently which put us under a lot of strain.

Then during an argument, DH blurts out that his family criticise me and he often has to defend me. Things they said about me include: that I've 'got it easy' and should get a job (I'm a SAHM to 2 toddlers who is actually struggling with the role).

I (naively) thought his family really liked me! Until now I had no reason to think otherwise. So I emailed them (politely) and asked them to clarify if it was true. They confirmed that they did say those things.

Now I'm worried. DH is a mommy's boy and loves his family fiercly. He hates me at the moment. I'm afraid they could push him into hating me more, and could crumble our marriage. There is, after all, only so much 'defending' DH can do (I'm upset that he even has to).

So basically my question to you guys is: If your inlaws don't like you, does it spell curtains for the marriage?

She is a nurse and could earn a reasonable amount for doing a bank shift but she won't.

what does your bro think of this? I do passionately believe that a (good quality) SAHM is better for small children than more money. Is she a good SAHM?

Luckily DH does appreciate all this though.

I envy you.

Thanks TryDrawing I've sent him an email suggesting the evening bar work.

I know, I know, I should just talk to his face, but tensions have been running so high, tempers are still tender so an email is definately preferable in the current climate.

I think you are being a little naive in your perceptions of your PILs being two-faced - I often bitch about family/friends/in-laws to my DH, but wouldn't say something to their faces, mainly because its usually a minor grumble about something they've done, not the people they are - an important distinction!

I do think your DH has behaved badly - I would never criticise my DH to family members, unless it was a light-hearted complaint about something trivial, and if they criticised him my first instinct would be to defend him - we're a team!

You mentioned upthread that you and your DH were having sex therapy, however, if you are arguing so much I would suggest you drop the sex therapy and try couples counselling instead - the state of your relationship is no doubt having an effect on your sex life. DH and I had problems a couple of years ago (due to his excessive porn use), and we had couples counselling, which really helped. We then went onto sex therapy, which our counsellor would only refer us to once he thought we'd 'completed' the couples counselling.

If your DH agreed that you should be a SAHM, he is being incredibly unfair to complain about this, and I wonder if leaving him in charge of both children for a couple of days might make him appreciate you more! I feel angry on your behalf that you think he wouldn't be happy unless you earned the same as him - was he like this before you got married/ had children.

I must admit that, your latest comment about never having worked may explain your PIL's comments - do they think their son has supported you through studying and you've gone straight into being a SAHM, without ever 'financially' contributing to your lives?

She is a great mum, but BIL is a great dad - only with overtime etc, he hardly sees his son. BIL would like her to do a couple of shifts a month, on days when he's not working. They made the decision for SIL to stay at home when their circumstances were different. BIL had a well paid job, but lost it a year or so ago.

I won't get involved. I love them both, and if they wanted my opinion they'd ask for it. I don't know why SIL won't consider work.

because its usually a minor grumble about something they've done, not the people they are - an important distinction!

Saying I'm lazy isn't a minor grumble though?

If your DH agreed that you should be a SAHM, he is being incredibly unfair to complain about this

I think it's a case of tit for tat. Sometimes I complain about the fact that we live in a tiny flat with no garden.

I feel angry on your behalf that you think he wouldn't be happy unless you earned the same as him - was he like this before you got married/ had children.

He has always called me (and I quote): "a lazy, sheltered, spoilt brat". Oh and narcassistic.

If he's always said such horrible things to you, why on earth did you marry him and have children with him?

EllieQ it's off and on. Most of the time he isn't such a prick. Although recently he's been grumpy for weeks. I retalitate btw and call him too. It's a mess.

If you do choose to do evening bar work, you could use some of the money to pay for some childcare in the day, to allow you a bit of free time on a regular basis. Just don't work so much that you never see your dh.

You've never had a job!!
I can see why thy may criticise you. What would you do,if your marriage goes tits up, how will you protect yourself financially?

how will you protect yourself financially?

I'd be entitled to maintenence.

Do you think you can be happy again, with him?

Working in a bar doesn't sound like it'll make you happy. You might be happier because you spend less time with your husband and more time around happy people, but you'd completely wear yourself out.

There's something quite sad about you saying you might get chatted up, too. That feeling of being attractive and wanted shouldn't come from a random drunk, it should come from you, and your husband.

Does he help you with your depression? You've mentioned your medications, but you haven't said how he helps you. It's really, really tough if you are with a partner who doesn't help...much worse than depression on your own, in my experience. I do hope they increase your meds, but the numbness may well be coming from your situation, rather than your meds.

So you buy ready meals and have a 'crappy mortgage', How the heck do you have money problems when he earns £52k? Is he being honest about his finances?Where does your money go?You don't pay for child care,nor car and petrol expenses.So ??????

"I'd be protected financially because I'd be entitled to maintenance"

Isn't that a bit of a depressing statement coming from a self-described highly educated, attractive woman with loads of friends?

Ditto going for a job partly because drunk men in a pub would flirt with you... Really?

MIL hates me. DH stands by me.

Your attitude towards work isn't very warming and I do not know you as well as your ils and I agree with them a bit. Professional student without a hint of a job experience at all? I don't know if they would hire you at the local pub.

I don't think getting a job in a bar is the way forward, in your other thread (in AIBU) you are asking about having an hour off between 6-7 from being a SAHP as you are so exhausted and fed up by then, I don't think you will then want to go out and work really hard in a bar (a busy bar is a full on job) til midnight or whatever.

I think the suggestion of working in a bar is a game playing move to provoke your husband into thinking you are going out to attract other men. if you have not worked in a bar before, it's unlikely you are going to start now, with a 1 and 3 year old!

I'm sorry you are feeling so bad, I think you are very depressed and certainly blaming your IL's when in fact they haven't done anything terrible, they have their own private opinion on you not working (just as I'm sure mine have a strong opinion on me working too much and neglecting the kids!) You shouldn't have called them on it but I get the impression you are rather desperate and having a very hard time, I think counselling and perhaps a change in your meds is the way forward, as if you start to feel better in yourself, some of your decision making might be quite different. Best of luck.

To be fair I think you are unemployable, you need good skills to even work in a bar, maintenance will not be great with 2homes to run ,you both already cant manage on your income.

Sort your money worries out and then arrange to volunteer. If you have never had a job you are going to need experience before most employers will touch you as you cv will be barren.

Child maintainence wont give you enough money for you and two children to live on. Its there towards the children but both parnts are expected to support them.

You need to protect yourself in the event of a split, its hard enough going back to work after a few years out to be a SAHM but never having worked will make it virtually impossible and its a very dangerous position to put yourself in as nobody knows what the future holds.

Perhaps your IL's comments may do some good, didnt realised you had never worked so in essence you have always relied on others to support you for your entire life. Working provides many things other than just a salary.

I'm not sure how helpful it is to have a go at the OP for not working, given that:

a. She already has a husband having a go at her about this.
b. She already had a MIL having a go at her (or at least at her H) about this.
c. They are in fincial difficulties and being a SAHM is their cheapest childcare option atm.
d. It sounds like she would like to work but feels she can't because of c.
e. She's working blooming hard looking after two toddlers already, so she has a 'job', she's just not getting pay or appreciation and her satisfaction is low.
f. She's already considering taking on an evening/night job on top of e.
g. She's ill with clinical depression.

OP, I think you're doing a great job in the circumstances. Try to be kind to yourself and not overload yourself, your husband is as responsible as you are for the finances and childcare.

It must be so frustrating, being criticised for being a SAHP when you are contributing to the family financially by providing childcare and when ideally you'd like to work but don't feel youf family can afford it. That said, as you must know, from discussions on MN if no where else, that SAHP/WOHP is a big debate. Just because your MIL disagrees with you about it, doesn't mean she dislikes you as a person.

The bigger problem is how critical and mean your H is of you and how dismissive you think he'd be even if you did work but earned less than him. Being a SAHP when in a relationship with someone who defines worth by the figure on your payslip must be miserable for you. He doesn't respect or value you. I would seriously be considering if this relationship is ever going to make you happy. His attitude is certainly not doing your mental health any favours.

He brought up his DM's comments in that argument to make you feel crap about yourself. He knows you're not 100% happy about being a SAHP and that it was a family decision because as a household you'd be more financially stretched if you worked. He threw it at you during an argument to wound you (by letting you know what MIL said), suggesting he deserves a medal for 'defending you' to MIL. Rubbish. He doesn't have to defend family choices such as SAHP to anyone, but if he chooses to do so then he's meant to be defending it as its "a joint decision that makes financial sense" - not 'well she ought to go out to work, but she's having it easy at home, she's so lazy, its her fault we're not earning more...' criticism of you.

Please concentrate on getting yourself well. That might mean individual counselling. I think you also have to consider that being in this relationship is hindering your recovery.

I think in the short term you need to sit down as a couple and work out all your ingoings and out goings and have a good hard chat about the finances. You also need to work out what childcare would be if you did work during the day, so that if you are thinking about getting a WOHM job that you know what effect it would have.

No harm in applying for the bar job, you don't need to accept it if you are offered it, but try not to run yourself ragged trying to meet everyone's unrealistic expectations, with the best will in the world you could never walk into a £52k+ job with no work experience even though you are highly educated. He's setting you up to fail, you will never be 'good enough'. You do realise that he's the type of bloke who would resent you if you did earn more than him, he wouldn't respect you.

P.s. You do know he's bullshitting you about you having it easy at home, don't you? He can't manage an hour of 'having it easy' looking after two toddlers when he gets home, can he?

I have an eight month old ds, when DH gets home from work, he enjoys spending time with him whilst I make tea, or take a break. You have to ask yourself why H sees the kids as your domain and doesn't want to spend time with them.

Meant to say, of course if you want to work in the future you'll need to start working on getting some experience for your cv. When you get free nursery hours, you can maybe use this time to volunteer or even to start your own business - choosing something you can work on in the evenings.

You do already sound like you do all the work of a single mum, except you also have to deal with arguments, belittling and his stuff as well.

I was a 'degree junkie'. I got degree after degree, then got pregnant with DC1. So no employment history at all. Degree in Sociology then a degree in Law (both 1st class at good unis). But no practical on-the-job training or experience.

Congratulations on achieving your degrees BlackMaryJanes. Did you not work as a student, to fund these? If you did, then that surely counts as some employment history, upon which to build. If you did not, then perhaps huge outstanding student loans are aggravating the financial difficulties that you and your DH are experiencing.

To be honest, the most appealing choice out of the few I have looked at so far, is to be a SAHM then each evening when DH comes home from work I then go to be a barmaid at a local pub.

Would that give you the experience you would want, upon which to gradually build a career as your children gradually got older?

I get adult companionship, I get to socialise, maybe even chatted up, and I get some money.

Is that what you want from a job, at the moment? I do so see that some of these points do have some degree of validity, but as a package the whole thing sounds like a student's dream job to me (especially the 'chatted up' bit ). You did say you were a 'degree junkie'. Do you still hanker after the 'student life'?

I am sorry if these questions sound a little probing. It is just that reading back over your posts, I can maybe see how your PILs came to make the comments in the first place. I am not in any way justifying that your DH and PILs talked about you in this way, I don't think they should have, however as I read your posts it seems to me that no matter what anyone suggests you already have to hand all the negative reasons showing that nothing can be done to improve your financial situation or the deeper aspects of your relationship surrounding this.
If the appearance of that attitude applies in RL also, then it may be that this is what led to the hurtful opinion being formed.

One thing particularly stands out to me, as suggestive of this negative attitude. When hotbot asked What would you do,if your marriage goes tits up, how will you protect yourself financially? you replied I'd be entitled to maintenence. Really???? Is that really your answer? Asides from the fact that maintenance would not be enough to support you and your children, (and we have already established that what you could earn at the moment would be mostly taken up with childcare), so it would be maintenance and benefits, is that really your attitude to this situation? Do you see how that attitude may, in some way, be filtering through to your DH and PILs?

From what is in this thread, I don't think it's possible to say whether you are right or whether your DH and PILs have the more valid point. It certainly sounds as if they have some point, so maybe the truth lies somewhere in the middle.

I think you need to contact the careers centre at one or both of your old unis and talk to them about what fields would be best for you.

You're suffering from depression and I agree you need professional counselling, and about more than merely your sex life.

Toddlers are bloody hard. I know people who prefer paid employment to caring for that age group. Remember once they're 3 you get a break with free nursery hours, and then school, so you will get that supplement to childcare expenses.

Your husband on that salary wouldn't even pay enough maintenance to cover benefit levels. You'd be on the poverty line. You MUST look into what career potential you have, for your own sake, bugger him or his family's opinions. You have lots of friends so good social skills, you have 2 1sts which is IMPOSSIBLE if you are lazy - being a student is a doddle if you're happy with a 2.2, fine with a 2.1, but 1sts take a lot of work if you go anywhere remotely decent. You are NOT lazy if you achieved that, and together with your social skills you could get an interesting job. Paralegal maybe if your degree is too old for a law society exemption now? Training contract if you live in London - starter salaries for that are decent and as you've had your kids already they woudn't even be looking at maternity expenses for you. Even an internship.

Stop looking at the childcare as an expense against only your salary. It isn't. It's against his as well - they're his children too! And you aren't only looking at what you can earn now, you're looking at working towards an eventually decent wage.

Your self esteem is on the floor, but look at what you actually have going for you. I have to say, I think a job would do wonders for that sense of self. Right now, you are unappreciated, working really hard, and probably rather bored.

I'd also do massive baking/cooking sessions and then freeze the meals in advance, if you eat a lot of convenience food. It's just so expensive doing that. Making big batches of bolognese, fish pie, soups etc is easy. Also fish fingers, baked beans, sausages are all easy, cheap and toddlers tend to love them. Your income isn't riches but there are ways to make it go further I'd have thought?

Your in laws are a side issue. He's been moaning to them and naturally they'll be sympathetic. His whining to you and using Mummy's opinion (and from 200 miles away that's just his opinion, reflected back at him) to bolster his own self pity. He sounds a sad little cock, in all honesty. SAHM is hard. I've done it. If you do it properly, it's bloody hard.

It's just getting worse and worse.

DH is still absolutely fuming that I contacted his family. I seldom contact them, and when I do (and it's about negative stuff) he has an over-reaction that lasts months. I don't understand his extreme seething reaction, but it had me running to my friends house in tears last night, staying at hers until I knew DH had gone to bed, then me going home and sleeping on the sofa.

If he didn't want his family 'dragged into this', why did HE bring them up in the first place?? I ask him this and he just replies, "it was YOU who dragged them into it - you contacted them!!" We're going round in circles. Guys, it was him that brought his family into this right? I feel like DH is gaslighting me on this topic. It feels very cruel.

Does he help you with your depression?

No. Not at all. He makes it worse. He doesn't understand my depression. He thinks its melodramatic and that I should snap out of it. He rolls his eyes when I mention that I suffer from depression. I started my 100mg of sertraline today. I'm praying it will make a dramatic change to my mood.

going for a job partly because drunk men in a pub would flirt with you... Really?

Erm... obviously that wouldn't be THE reason I go for a job. The main reason is to have a break from the kids and be seen to be 'pulling my weight'.

I don't think you will then want to go out and work really hard in a bar (a busy bar is a full on job) til midnight or whatever.

Sounds ideal actually. I've got bar working friends, they love it, say the time passes fast, it's sociable, and they say you make loads of friends.

It would be ideal for me. I could still be a SAHM so no guilt, and also have the job to look forward to in the evenings.

To be fair I think you are unemployable

Oh then I may as well kill myself now then

Child maintainence wont give you enough money for you and two children to live on. Its there towards the children but both parnts are expected to support them.

My friend is in a situation where she may be splitting with her husband. She is also a SAHM and is entitled to maintenence for the kids AND herself. It's deffo enough to live on (£2k per month for her). We phoned citizens advice.

arrange to volunteer

Where do you volunteer from 6pm-11pm?

She's working blooming hard looking after two toddlers already, so she has a 'job'

When I said this to MIL she ignored it. Didn't respond.

This sounds like a bizarre question but, is it possible to section yourself? So you can stay in hospital and get the help you need? What would happen to the kids?

You do realise that he's the type of bloke who would resent you if you did earn more than him, he wouldn't respect you.

Yes I know I'll never satisfy him - no women ever has or ever will. But I will satisfy me. I think a bar job would be ideal for me. I'm slightly about those here suggesting I haven't got a hope in hell of getting a bar job...

Did you not work as a student, to fund these?

The first degree was funded by the state. The second degree was funded by my dad who died and left some money.

You did say you were a 'degree junkie'. Do you still hanker after the 'student life'?

No. I'm done with that.

1sts take a lot of work if you go anywhere remotely decent.

Tell me about it :) I'm very proud of my 1st, especially the one in Law which had me coming out in boils all over my body because it was so stressful.

Paralegal maybe if your degree is too old for a law society exemption now?

I have an LLB and it's fairly recent. No law practice cert though, and honestly no drive to get one. Really do not like the law profession (found this out obviously through doing the degree, not beforehand).

I have to say, I think a job would do wonders for that sense of self.

I agree.

Also with regard to the 'maintenence', although my law degree didn't include family law, I studied 'Trusts and Equity' and I am deffo entitled to maintenence for myself as in the laws eyes I have forgone my career so that DH could have his, effectively propping his career.

My mam got quite a hefty maintenence when my dad left.

Any good at maths, OP? You could do an AAT - law comes in handy in accountancy - which could lead onto accountancy qualifications.There are jobs out there, inc in schools for when your DC are older.
And you like studying...