Inlaws don't like me

[BlackMaryJanes]

Been with DH for 8 years. Went through a financial crisis recently which put us under a lot of strain.

Then during an argument, DH blurts out that his family criticise me and he often has to defend me. Things they said about me include: that I've 'got it easy' and should get a job (I'm a SAHM to 2 toddlers who is actually struggling with the role).

I (naively) thought his family really liked me! Until now I had no reason to think otherwise. So I emailed them (politely) and asked them to clarify if it was true. They confirmed that they did say those things.

Now I'm worried. DH is a mommy's boy and loves his family fiercly. He hates me at the moment. I'm afraid they could push him into hating me more, and could crumble our marriage. There is, after all, only so much 'defending' DH can do (I'm upset that he even has to).

So basically my question to you guys is: If your inlaws don't like you, does it spell curtains for the marriage?

You are taking this way too far, they disagree with you staying home rather than working. Thats because they see their son struggling to finance himself, his children and another adult.

It doesnt mean they dont like you, people dont agree with every choice or aspect of a person. Nobody is perfect and life would be very boring if everyone was the same or made the same choices.

Been in your situation. Always worked extremely hard, had a good career etc. When I had my DS my MIL (who lives 100 miles away) said I should be "contributing." This was to my face, and ironically came from a women who didn't "work" all her life.

Got some evening shifts in a supermarket (actually quite enjoyed it), but my husband absolutely it, because he had to leave work on time to get home, give DS his tea, bath, story etc etc. Because of his constant moaning it lasted less than two months!

All working mothers I know are very lucky because they have a lot of family support. I personally don't know anyone at all without family support who works. Perhaps your inlaws could put their money where their mouth is, move closer to you and give you some support! (That last sentence was tongue in cheek of course).

It's not always easy, and in my opinion, you are damned if you do and damned if you don't.

My fil and his wife disapprove of me being a sahm...they are go getters and think it's a cop out.

Jolly good. I don't even give a bother. They are nice to my face. I don't seek their approval.

You'll never really know what his family think of you because they pretend to really like you when inside they are thinking nasty thoughts about you.

Indeed. At least I was in blissful ignorance before.

He has a fierce loyalty to and love for his family. Can you say he feels the same way about you?

MIL says DH is fiercely loyal to me(!) So is he playing me and his family off against eachother?? If so, why?? (I can't ask him why, he'll deny it).

Life is immeasurably easier without someone like that around. Try it - you'll feel like you're on holiday.

I know. I'm very happy when I'm around people who like me. I laugh, I feel loved. But then I return home to DH and feel belittled and taken for granted.

May I ask, what was that argument you alluded to in your opening paragraph?

The argument was about me feeling stressed by 6pm and needing an hour break. DH then comes out with, "why should you have a break, my family think you are lazy and have it easy"

The problem is with your husband OP.

Why are you with him?

This whole argument about your in-laws is secondary. It doesn't matter. It doesn't sound like they hate you, but maybe they don't love you either. Maybe they just let their son give off steam and make the right noises, agree with him, and then send him home?

It's all irrelevant. What isn't irrelevant is that your marriage is in pieces, and you are both playing silly games rather than doing anything about it.

Your husband resents you for being a SAHM. You resent him for treating you badly. You bring out the worst in each other, and you are having sex therapy. You've now escalated to point-scoring in stupid arguments, dragging other people into them, and your DH sulking.

This should have broken up a long time ago. It's not a good environment for you, or for your children.

Why do you need an hours break at 6pm?

Got some evening shifts in a supermarket (actually quite enjoyed it), but my husband absolutely it, because he had to leave work on time to get home, give DS his tea, bath, story etc etc. Because of his constant moaning it lasted less than two months!

What did your DH think when you originally got the job? Had he been pushing you to get it. I am very tempted by the idea of working as a barmaid.

Jolly good. I don't even give a bother. They are nice to my face. I don't seek their approval.

What does your DH think about you being a SAHM?

Your husband resents you for being a SAHM.

Yes he does. And unless I manage to earn more than 52K (his salary), he will resent me for 'not working as hard as him'.

WTF can I do??

Why do you need an hours break at 6pm?

see this thread

Leave.

Why do you think there is anything to save here?! Nothing you've written suggests that there is.

He doesn't hate your job, or your earning power. He doesn't value you. You could earn double his wage and he still wouldn't value you. Find someone who adds value to his life. He does not. He'll take any opportunity to drag you down and slag you off, whether it's by telling your family how little you do or telling you how little they think of you once he's done so.

There is nothing to save here.

Very few of us a get an hours break as soon as our partners walk through the door. It's a busy time of day with dinner and baths and bedtime and clearing up. It is all very well to expect him to pitch in, but no one comes home from work expecting to let their sahp bugger off for an hour while they get to do more work.

CajaDeLaMemoria DH and I obviously have some good aspects to the marriage, hence why we got together in the first place. We share the same sense of humour, are homebodies, despise cheating, like science, share hobbies, and most importantly - have two beautiful innocent kids who don't deserve to have their home ripped apart.

Well I have to agree with Caja here.
He sounds horrible. Horrible to you and puts you down and doesn't respect you one little bit.
You need a serious chat with him and if you can't even do that then there really is no hope!
Good luck!

same sense of humour, are homebodies, despise cheating, like science, share hobbies

Can you give us some examples? When was the last time you laughed out loud together? When was the last time you discussed science? What hobbies do you share? i.e. what relaxing time do you actually get together?

Yes, I did realise that he'd have good points. Very few people don't.

But as you've said, he's built a situation that is irrecoverable. He can't turn back the clock and change his parents opinion of you, and he'd have to try pretty hard to change his own opinion.

He treats you terribly. There's no respect, and he doesn't behave as if he loves you. He goads you, and criticizes you, and minimises what you do.

Your children may well not deserve to have their family ripped apart, but they also don't deserve to grow up with parents who can't get on. How would you feel if they ended up with men or women who treat their other half like your husband does with you?

I suspect that this doesn't matter anyway. He doesn't sound at all interested in fixing this, and he sounds pretty checked out from the relationship. He's just decided that he'll let it painfully and slowly collapse around everybody rather than try to talk to you, or make any attempt at fixing it before it got this far.

If you stay together, you'll have to accept that your husband will never value you, and that he's convinced his parents the same. If you don't expect change, perhaps you can attempt to live like this.

If you worked when you met him, I imagine you mutually agreed to you becoming a SAHM?

You don't have to justify life and marital choices to any 3rd party.

If this whole event blew up over an argument about money, or who does what, then sit and discuss it. You don't sound altogether happy with how things are. If this isn't working for him either, look at how things can change. Look at how much he brings in and how much things cost and who needs to get paid back what was borrowed. How can you both budget.

Just as you don't all live off fresh air, and money doesn't grow on trees, little children can't function unaided, unattended. Whether it's one DC or 6, the parents have to sort out childcare. Together or separated, you need to sort this.

What would it cost in terms of childcare for you to work? If not now, could you manage when DC1 starts Reception? How would he pull his weight so you're not juggling all things domestic and toddler related as well as a job?

PS When I had toddlers it was all I could do not to hurl them at their father when he walked through the door so don't feel bad about wanting 5 minutes to yourself by 6 pm. 60 minutes would be trickier.

If he earns £52k,why do you have money problems?

BlackMaryJones
No he didn't really like the idea of me working right from the start, because he knew it would have a detrimental effect on him.

But don't get me wrong, if he's in a bad mood, it doesn't stop him complaining that I don't work!!

Crikey - working in a pub would be poetic justice for you wouldn't it!

When was the last time you laughed out loud together?

A few days ago when discussing DH laughing at his own jokes on Facebook.

When was the last time you discussed science?

Again, a few days ago. We usually watch science docummentaries once the kids have gone to bed.

What hobbies do you share? i.e. what relaxing time do you actually get together?

We go to a spinning class together every Friday evening whilst FIL (no longer with MIL) watches the kids.

Your in-laws sounds very similar to mine. When I was a SAHM and in sole charge of baby during the week (OH working away) I was told that 'most women go to work AND look after the children' WTF?
So I knew I was never going to satisfy their standards.

After 5 years of being together, and having DC, they took him aside and suggested I was a golddigger?! Like he is a millionaire or something (he is not). Weird.

I could go on... but all the insults (behind my back) are just tiring..

Lucky for me, these crazy insults mean that I can easily say to myself that they don't understand our relationship at all, and I can disregard their comments. We meet every few months and although I dont enjoy pretending to be normal and that I dont know what they say behind my back, it's easier than comfronting them and causing myself grief and stress.

The difference I think with your situation is that OH is on my side. He tells me that they talk rubbish, have no grasp on reality for people of our generation, and frankly no-one would be good enough for him in their mind. I feel that he is 'on my side' in life generally, he says 'we are a team' quite regularly it's one of our phrases. Consequently what they think doesn't bother me so much.

So ultimately isn't the real problem how your H sides with them? If he is not in agreement with you being SAHM/the work that entails then you are not really in agreement about your life choices as a couple..

Sorry for rambling hope that makes sense...

He goads you, and criticizes you, and minimises what you do.

I know :( I'm not exactly an angel though. I can be a bitch in arguments too.

he'll let it painfully and slowly collapse around everybody rather than try to talk to you

I actually think he's just going to brush this under the carpet, like he does every time there's a major drama. Next week, he will be acting like this never happened.

If you stay together, you'll have to accept that your husband will never value you, and that he's convinced his parents the same.

It's very confusing because his mum says that he is passionately loyal to me, and he says he 'defends me' in conversations with her. So who has convinced who?

I imagine you mutually agreed to you becoming a SAHM?

Yes.

If this isn't working for him either, look at how things can change. Look at how much he brings in and how much things cost and who needs to get paid back what was borrowed. How can you both budget.

A major problem is childcare. My wage wouldn't cover it.

If he earns £52k,why do you have money problems?

Single income household. Crappy mortgage. We don't splash out on holidays or going out but we do eat a lot of convenience foods.

But don't get me wrong, if he's in a bad mood, it doesn't stop him complaining that I don't work!!

Is that when you called his bluff and got a job? :)

Crikey - working in a pub would be poetic justice for you wouldn't it!

What do you mean?

After 5 years of being together, and having DC, they took him aside and suggested I was a golddigger?! Like he is a millionaire or something (he is not). Weird.

WOW! What did you do? I wouldn't put that past my inlaws!

The difference I think with your situation is that OH is on my side.

Yup. My inlaws' comments wouldn't bother me that much if DH disagreed with them :(

I have read through most of your posts and the one thing that stands out for me is that the main issue here lies with your DH. You say that he is older than you and his behaviour therefore smacks of someone who is disappointed in himself and this is coming out as resentment towards you.

Often the reality of being parents is way beyond what some people expect. This means in terms of the changes in your relationship, the tiredness, financial pressures amongst other things. It sounds as though he had expected things to be 'better' at this stage and preconceived ideas about having you at home as a SAHM are the easiest for him to attack.

So if you had enough money, (whatever that is) would things be different? Money is probably the least of your worries at the moment.

The way I see it is that your DH is being incredibly immature by bleating to his parents about your marriage. He showed poor judgement by throwing this at you in an argument. Its like in the playground... my Mum says blah, blah, blah. It was an easy way to deflect the focus from him and his shortcomings.

By then taking his comment and emailing your ILs, you have added fuel to the fire. And it wasn't even a fire that was there in the first place. Look to your DH for answers and please don't involve your ILs. They are your DCs Grandparents and should not be part of the ups and downs of your marriage.

As some background, I have been married for 25+, and my ILs and extended IL family could not stand me. They didn't behave badly towards me but I was fully aware that the background discussions were unpleasant. My DH stuck with me and I ignored them, focussing on the DCs having a good relationship with them. What they thought of me didn't matter. What my DH thought of me was the most important thing and that's what you really need to get to the heart of. On your own with him.

Plus I have had therapy in the past and one thing that always sticks out for me - was the therapist saying that no-one can DIRECTLY make you FEEL a certain way.

What I mean by that is - when they say something, the only way it triggers an emotion in you, is if you have some belief within you that causes it. I probably dont explain it well, but it helped me a lot.

Eg. One time they were saying something about me being lazy as a SAHM and I realised that it made me feel down because I had myself questionned whether I was doing the right thing being a SAHM (for various reasons which I wont bore you with here) but perhaps hadn't admitted it to myself.

I'm not saying this example about SAHM applies to you - but I think the principle guidance of how people make you feel being triggered by stuff is sometimes helpful to delve into.