Inlaws don't like me

[BlackMaryJanes]

Been with DH for 8 years. Went through a financial crisis recently which put us under a lot of strain.

Then during an argument, DH blurts out that his family criticise me and he often has to defend me. Things they said about me include: that I've 'got it easy' and should get a job (I'm a SAHM to 2 toddlers who is actually struggling with the role).

I (naively) thought his family really liked me! Until now I had no reason to think otherwise. So I emailed them (politely) and asked them to clarify if it was true. They confirmed that they did say those things.

Now I'm worried. DH is a mommy's boy and loves his family fiercly. He hates me at the moment. I'm afraid they could push him into hating me more, and could crumble our marriage. There is, after all, only so much 'defending' DH can do (I'm upset that he even has to).

So basically my question to you guys is: If your inlaws don't like you, does it spell curtains for the marriage?

What did I do? Well I wasn't there to defend myself. But OH told them it was absolute rubbish and in fact he is the one that splashes all the cash in our household.

I am generally a primark/m&s type girl, and I shudder at the thought of a designer handbag... And chatise OH at the money he spends on wine/food. So it is so laughable. If you saw me (no sense of style, always wearing the same scruffy clothes, 6 months between trips to the hairdresser) you would laugh too!

You say that he is older than you and his behaviour therefore smacks of someone who is disappointed in himself and this is coming out as resentment towards you.

That makes sense and is certainly in line with his past and present behaviour and comments.

So if you had enough money, (whatever that is) would things be different?

I have no idea. We could employ a nanny? And thus less competitive tiredness?

By then taking his comment and emailing your ILs, you have added fuel to the fire.

He was goading me and I called his bluff. Why shouldn't his parents know that he tells me what they say. I think they were horrified that I now know!

I'm not saying this example about SAHM applies to you

I think it does. I feel that I am a crap SAHM.

Although HE kept moaning and wanted me to stop working at the supermarket, it still doesn't stop him complaining now that I don't work iyswim.

Poetic justice in the sense of you being very attractive and a lot younger than your husband, and being practically centre-stage in what is usually a very male environment.

If they were horrified - that's interesting.
My ILs would not be horrified, they would say, well that's how we feel that's your problem if you dont like it.

So if they are horrified they are concerned how about hurting your feelings, and I dont think you can categorically say 'They dont like me'
As others have said, you dont simply like/dislike people. It's a grey area. So don't make enemies of them by pushing it too far/emailing and making it worse...

I was just thinking that even with some of my BFFs there are things about them that I could criticise if I wanted to - small things about their parenting, their laziness sometimes, or maybe lack of diplomacy, etc - but on the whole they are brilliant, that's why we are friends...

Although HE kept moaning and wanted me to stop working at the supermarket, it still doesn't stop him complaining now that I don't work iyswim.

:( I see. So what do you do? You can't win!!

Poetic justice in the sense of you being very attractive and a lot younger than your husband, and being practically centre-stage in what is usually a very male environment.

I'm not a model, but I think I'd probably get chatted up. DH would absolutely hate it. Not only that, it would scare him (he has issues with cheating).

I just keep thinking more of how this brings stuff up for me... so had to add... then I must go out, have to go to work!

You say you feel like a crap SAHM.
But you are on ADs, you are struggling to look after 2 toddlers, not getting enough sleep, and you are being criticised for being a SAHM. Give yourself a break. I am sure you are doing a great job, but when you are depressed and coping with little ones it ALWAYS feels like you aren't doing a good job. Being criticised for doing the thing that 'define yourself as' (SAHM) is bound to punch below the belt. If your high-powered career was your life and you worked 100 hours a week, a snipey comment from a colleague would equally weigh heavily.

You have to trust me when I say, from experience, that when you are depressed and a SAHM your judgement is impaired as to how well you are doing. When I was in this situation I spent so much of the day analysing and criticising my parenting that I lost sight of the fact that I just needed to get through each day until I could get more sleep/medication that worked when I would feel human!

Be kind to yourself OP

Now I must run. Mumsnet is not good for leaving the house on time

His immaturity really comes out as a main issue here. Perhaps it will give you some insight, not necessarily make it better. The goading? all part of that behaviour - going at it until you finally break the other person. That's not behaviour you want to be passing down to your DCs.

So now he's got his reaction, its up to you to deal with it with a mature insight. He's thrown the ball to you - its up to you what you do with it. The emails have been sent and the subsequent fallout from that is in the frame now. Have you actually spoken face to face with them? Sometimes email exchanges don't really convey what needs to be said and once it is written down, can be analysed to within an inch of its life, but none of those views may be relevant.

I am sure they are horrified but, to be honest, that's a learning curve for them as well. I sometimes talk to my DCs giving opinions, trying to make sense of what they are asking me. If everything I said in those conversations was broadcast, it would be a disaster. Chatting as a family means you can be honest, but its not the whole picture. They may feel that way about one part of your relationship, but not you as a person. You may be magnifying one aspect of their feelings and I am not sure these comments relate to you as a whole. They probably commented in passing, trying to pacify their son. They are hardly likely to tell him 'how it is' now - they obviously haven't managed to speak directly to him all his life!

As for the money? Yes, having a Nanny or help is an option, but in my experience, it takes that work out of your life, but it is replaced by a whole other set of issues. So no-one really gets off lightly, even with more money in the pot.

Being criticised for doing the thing that 'define yourself as' (SAHM) is bound to punch below the belt.

Indeed. When DH says I 'have it easy', I think to myself, "I'm struggling so much at the moment, if this is what 'easy' is like, then I am weak and pathetic" :( I want to throw the towel in.

You have to trust me when I say, from experience, that when you are depressed and a SAHM your judgement is impaired as to how well you are doing. When I was in this situation I spent so much of the day analysing and criticising my parenting that I lost sight of the fact that I just needed to get through each day until I could get more sleep/medication that worked when I would feel human!

I'm currently on 50mg of Sertraline per day. Tomorrow I am seeing the doctor and asking her to bunk my dose to 100mg. Do you think she will? Will it have a major effect for me? I just want to feel numb. Like a robot. I want criticisms to bounce off me.

Have you actually spoken face to face with them?

I would love to. But they are 200 miles away.

I wonder what (or who?) lies at the root of your depression.

What you need to do here is focus on yourself for now. Take time our from your DH's cruel jibes about having it easy. It isn't and he doesn't have a clue, but he doesn't see that at the moment because he doesn't want to grow up and take responsibility.

It is very tough with young children and you should not blame yourself. Just deal with each day at a time do not be drawn into arguments that are going nowhere.

My MIL said to me recently that she thought we had done a good job with our DCs. It took her 20+ years to even admit that to me and if I had taken her advice or worried about what she thought I should be doing, I wouldn't have been true to myself. You know there is a strong person underneath and your DH may be reacting to you not being 100%.

He needs to step up and help you get through this. Don't let him drag you down. Learn to say 'no'.

Your in-laws are just expressing a view based on what their DS has told them. If he thinks being a SAHM is a doddle then they would agree because firstly all the information they have is biased and b) he is their son.But having an opinion on this doesn't mean they dislike me- my DM thinks my DP is a lazy sod and should work more etc but this doens't mean she dislikes them - and he doesn't avlue her opinion (and that of countless others ) because he says its based on what I have said.
But it doesn't matter if other people tell you taht being a SAHM is easy if you are struggling and not enjoying it then you (as a family ) need to change it. As I said in your other thread DP finds being a SAHP hard so we have extended DS's time in nursery because as a family this was the best solution. You and DH need to sit down and discuss what would help- whether its him committing to do more- maybe one night a week being in charge, a babysitter one evening a week or you going to work then so be it- its not just for your benefit

Please do not think you are alone. It is hard work bringing up one, let alone two toddlers, especially if you don't have any family to support you and give you a break. I would go as far to say it can be relentless, and absolutely none of my friends have found it a walk in the park.

Might be a good exercise for you to go away for one full day (literally dawn until after bedtime), and let your husband be entirely responsible for your DCs.

I wonder what (or who?) lies at the root of your depression.

I've always had depression. DH just makes it worse.

*What you need to do here is focus on yourself for now. Take time our from your DH's cruel jibes about having it easy. It isn't and he doesn't have a clue, but he doesn't see that at the moment because he doesn't want to grow up and take responsibility.

It is very tough with young children and you should not blame yourself. Just deal with each day at a time do not be drawn into arguments that are going nowhere.*

I like this approach. It reminds me of the serenity prayer. But when I'm stressed to breaking point and only he can give me a break, what do I do? Just walk out and go for a walk despite his protests?

I'm seriously on the verge of filling in this form.

Your dh's family are a red herring If you were both happier and more secure, you would be better able to deal with their opinions and input.

I get the impression that you and your dh actually want to help each other make things better for you both, you just both have so much on your plates that you don't quite know how to start.

You have two separate things affecting you here.

1: Lack of understanding between you and dh as to the pressures and responsibilities you each have in your lives.

2: Financial pressures getting in the way of you both finding a better work/leisure balance.

Do you think that the financial pressure is more of a problem than you being unhappy in your current working role as a SAHM? Or would you be more able to get control of the financial stuff if you were happier with the balance of things in your life?.

TryDrawing I agree on both both 1 and point 2.

would you be more able to get control of the financial stuff if you were happier with the balance of things in your life?

I can't see how? If I work we will be under even more financial pressure re: childcare. AND DH would still accuse me of 'having it easier than him'.

Hi BlackMaryJanes I am sorry you are having a tough time. I do agree with other posters that the issues you are having are really between you and your DH and I do hope that, despite the emails you have already exchanged with your PILs over this, that you can simply let the things they said to your DH just lie.

It does sound that you and your husband have a lot to resolve between you at the moment and I also get the impression that you and he are just not 'hearing each other' at all.

From what you say it would seem that you both have concerns about the same things. Financial concerns seems to be a major issue, exacerbated by you both seeming to think that you each are carrying the greater workload and the other is not doing enough to help. Seems to be a major thing.

I think you have got to sit down together and talk, not accuse, but look for real workable solutions. Look at your mortgage, unless you have property valued at hugely above the national average, then £52k should be a workable sum. Have you got the wrong mortgage? Change it. Look at your outgoings (yes, including those 'convenience foods'). Actually plan with your DH how you both can address your financial worries.

From that you can go on to look at the division of labour. If you are finding that you being a SAHM doesn't suit you (or 'you' as a family), then it might be time to change that. You say it would take all your earnings to cover childcare, but that might just be worth it, if you end up feeling happier and you and DH are both pulling in the same direction.
Did you work before you had your first child BlackMaryJanes, and if so what did you do, if you don't mind me asking? You mentioned your own education, which suggests perhaps a career orientated job, so maybe it would be worth while going back in some small way now (even if there were little financial advantage at this stage) just so you were on-track to build your career as your children get older.

Sorry, I'm starting to go on and on here. I think what I'm saying is, that this sounds as if it has little to do with your PILs (and I think they probably do very well 'still' like you) and has everything to do with you and DH ... start talking! It sounds to me as if, underneath it all, you and he both want the same things.

Did you work before you had your first child BlackMaryJanes, and if so what did you do

Now that's a question! I was a 'degree junkie'. I got degree after degree, then got pregnant with DC1. So no employment history at all. Degree in Sociology then a degree in Law (both 1st class at good unis). But no practical on-the-job training or experience.

To be honest, the most appealing choice out of the few I have looked at so far, is to be a SAHM then each evening when DH comes home from work I then go to be a barmaid at a local pub. I get adult companionship, I get to socialise, maybe even chatted up, and I get some money. Don't have to worry about childcare as DH will be doing it. Downsides: DH will be able to relax at 8pm whereas I will be literally working from sun up till sun down. Also, I will never see him, which can't be good for our marriage.

You're obviously finding life tough at the moment, and you have my sympathies. I have a SIL who I love dearly, and look on as a sister. She is a SAHM and her DH is making himself ill through working extra and being worried about money. I do think she has it easy, and I do think she should get a job to ease the pressure. It doesn't mean I love her any less. It's a valid point of view - maybe your inlaws feel the same about you.

I do think she has it easy

Why do you think she has it easy? Just because your bro has it hard, doesn't mean she has it easy.

Could you perhaps work at the pub a couple of evenings a week? It doesn't need to be all or nothing, does it? It does sound from everything you say as if getting out and doing something for yourself might be really valuable.

I agree MooncupGoddess A couple of evenings per week sounds fantastic. I'm a black/white person so thanks for helping me see balance.

I think she has it easy because BIL is getting up at the crack of dawn to get a bus to work, working a physically hard job in a stressful environment (hospital porter), and doing overtime when he can.

She has a toddler and goes to toddler activities and sees her friends and family. (she's not living the high life, lunching and shopping). She is a nurse and could earn a reasonable amount for doing a bank shift but she won't.

I think you're taking one tiny opinion of your MIL (it's just her really, isn't it?) too seriously..
I'm pretty damn sure my MIL would say the exact same thing about me if she was asked, she's certainly hinted at it to my face, and that was when I was working part time and had one school child, a toddler and a tiny baby. Now they're all in school and I'm not working at all :o She's very proud of her (and her family's) work ethic, too, and definitely doesn't realise or appreciate that me doing all the childcare, petcare and cooking (mostly..) healthy dinners etcetera, is supporting DH to work full-time, get promoted, and spend all his evenings doing an MsC. Luckily DH does appreciate all this though. And hopefully he will be equally supportive next year when I start training again..

There will always be poeple who disapprove of your choices. Especially in laws!

I would be really hurt if DH used something his family said about me in an argument, though.

I'm no expert on relationships but I think that you need a starting point to deal with it all. My suggestion would be this:

1: Decide what you need to change in your life so that you can be happy (Time away from kids to function and socialise as an adult - both with your dh and alone, more comfortable finances, being able to work effectively as a team with dh - these are just my guesses, you will be able to work out what your actual requirements are)

2: Find a good time (when you and dh are both in a relatively chilled, cooperative mood, maybe a Saturday night) and tell him that you love him and the kids but you're not happy with the way things are balanced in your lives and you don't think he is either. You don't want to shirk any responsibilities but you do think that there must be a better way for things to be so that he feels less pressured with work and you feel less overwhelmed by the constant demands of your children. Emphasise that you want him to be happier too and tell him that you don't expect immediate progress but you think that the two of you together can make things better.

I'm sorry if you've already tried all this but I thought it'd be worth making the suggestion because sometimes, when you're stuck in the midle of a situation it can be so difficult to find a place to start sorting it out.