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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Why can't I be happy ......Sorry self pitying and waffling

62 replies

nutcracker · 25/01/2004 22:12

Yesterday I went to my cousins wedding, which was a lovely occasion, as they usually are. However it has really depressed me as i realised that i will never get my wedding day. I have been with my dp for 7 years, i met him when i was 18 and he was 38. I am now 25, him 46. We have 3 kids aged 6, 4 and 1.
He would love us to get married, i would love to get married but not to him. I don't love him at all and haven't for sometime now. Some days i don't even like him. Our sex life is non existent (my choice) which causes lots of arguments.
Apart from having the kids I just feel like i've really messed up my life. I am a kind, decent and caring person and can't for the life of me work out how i ended up with someone like him. We argue alot and don't agree on how to discipline the kids e.t.c. When I think of some of the guys i had offers from when i was at college, i don't know how i could of been so stupid.
The wedding was full of happy couples, which me and dp are never going to be and it just really upset me. I'm only 25 but i feel like my life is over.
I haven't explained this very well at all sorry

OP posts:

JanHR · 25/01/2004 22:15

Nutty, give me a call if yu want a chat.

harman · 25/01/2004 22:17

Message withdrawn

beetroot · 25/01/2004 22:18

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marthamoo · 25/01/2004 22:19

Nutty, no solutions just (((HUGS)))

One observation though - you can't tell what a relationship is like if you're on the outside looking in. Many of those "happy couples" at the wedding will be anything but. Believe me I know

beetroot · 25/01/2004 22:19

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Original poster

nutcracker · 25/01/2004 22:21

I wish I had the strength to finish it for good but I don't. I just hate him sometimes. Earlier tonight he shouted at dd2 because she was coughing and got out of bed because she thought she was going to be sick. She has asthma and has since she was 14mths, I don't particularly enjoy lying there listening to her cough but it comes with the teritory IYKWIM.
Maybe I just won't ever be happy.

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beetroot · 25/01/2004 22:22

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Original poster

nutcracker · 25/01/2004 22:24

MM - I know what you mean but the couples i was observing were ones who had previosly been in relationships where they weren't happy and were now with new people. They just looked so much happier and contented.
How come they can change their lives for the better and i can't ??

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Original poster

nutcracker · 25/01/2004 22:25

Beetroot - Don't you only go to relate if you want to save the relationship ??????

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emmatmg · 25/01/2004 22:26

Nutty, of course you'll be happy. you have alot going on right now and from your posts alot of it makes you unhappy, it would do the same to everyone. When things take a turn for the better it will be easy to re-evaluate every thing and make the changes you want to make.

loads of hugs

beetroot · 25/01/2004 22:27

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Original poster

nutcracker · 25/01/2004 22:29

Sorry Beetroot - Misread your other post.

Your right i am young and have my whole life ahead of me but i have no job, no proper qualifications, no money, can't drive e.t.c.
I just don't know where to start.

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Original poster

nutcracker · 25/01/2004 22:31

If I were looking at my relationship as an outsider then i'd tell me to get out, but it's not that simple is it ??

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princesspeahead · 25/01/2004 22:32

no, nutty, you go to relate to try and evaluate your relationship, and if it is worth saving, to try and find ways to save it. by going through the process each of you and your dp should be clearer about what each of you want from the relationship- but accordingly it highlights areas where you are apart as well as areas where you are together. I guess that is why it is something which shouldn't be entered into lightly by either side - it may bring a badly functioning relationship to a head.

beetroot · 25/01/2004 22:32

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mammya · 25/01/2004 22:39

Nutty, you have only one life, don't waste it. You're still very young and you can get qualifications, learn to drive etc.

Original poster

nutcracker · 25/01/2004 22:42

Beetroot - I already know the answer to those questions.
I wan to be a peadiatric nurse. Until about 2 weeks ago I was at college doing an access to nursing course. I left because i couldn't cope with that and everything else that was going on.
If i'm not with dp i couldn't do nursing as i couldn't get to the uni e.t.c but i finally realised that that wasn't a good enough reason to stay with him. Does that make sense ???
In my ideal world i would..

Have a job (part time full time, whatever)
Have a life (i never go out )
Be HAPPY

OP posts:

lavender1 · 25/01/2004 22:43

Nutcracker...understand what you are saying..you sound like me..I met dh when I was 18 and I guess I just wanted a stable relationship and marriage having come from an unstable family and so married him as it seemed good..Do you really not love him, because the spark has gone or beacuse you married so young and are really so different to one another...I know the arguing doesn't help..do you get anytime alone with this man without your dc so your relationship isn't just children, children ,children..I know how hard it is!lots of questions sorry but have experience of this ...

I wonder what the attraction was like in the first place for you both..if you want to chat on contact talker I will set up my own e-mail, am always here to talk about anything!...if not please keep posting

marthamoo · 25/01/2004 22:48

Nutty, you really need to talk to your dp. It's hard I know but you need to be honest with him about what you want out of life. You can't change everything but perhaps if you had a job, and a social life, you would feel better about things with your dp. You CAN change these things without doing anything drastic. Perhaps it will improve things with dp if you have more happiness as an individual. I would say with 3 kids together, it's worth a try. You really sound like you need to make some changes - where you live etc. Make a list, like beety says, and start small - make an appointment with a careeers advisor for example. But you really must talk to your dp as well.

Original poster

nutcracker · 25/01/2004 22:51

Cheers Lavander - You are having probs too I know, so thanx for posting on here. Will post more in a mo (dp is lurging about)

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Original poster

nutcracker · 25/01/2004 23:05

I'm back. We have talked and talked about it loads of times but basically he doesn't care. I've said to him 'I hate my life' and all he can say is 'well do something about it then'. I used to be so independant and knew my own mind. Now i feel useless and weak. The last time i tried to end it he smacked me around the face and broke my glasses, i had my ds in my arms at the time. Luckily my dd's were at a party. I don't think he would do me any serious damage he's to clever for that. I don't know how to get him to leave. He knows our relationship is crap but i think that he'd rather be with me than on his own. He was married before and she had an affair (now i know why).

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stupidgirl · 25/01/2004 23:09

(((hugs))) nutty. I know it's not easy, but you have to get out - you have to make changes. You cannot surrender yourself to a life of misery. You need to figure out exactly what you want, and work out how you can achieve it. You cannot spend the rest of your life with someone you don't love.

sb34 · 25/01/2004 23:11

Message withdrawn

JanHR · 25/01/2004 23:11

Nutty if yuo are still with him when our house is built( hopefully you won't be) you could come to us for a bit

Original poster

nutcracker · 25/01/2004 23:11

How do i get him to leave though ?? We live in a housing association flat which is in my name. I own nearly everything in the flat too so i don't want to leave.

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