Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why can't I be happy ......Sorry self pitying and waffling

62 replies

nutcracker · 25/01/2004 22:12

Yesterday I went to my cousins wedding, which was a lovely occasion, as they usually are. However it has really depressed me as i realised that i will never get my wedding day. I have been with my dp for 7 years, i met him when i was 18 and he was 38. I am now 25, him 46. We have 3 kids aged 6, 4 and 1.
He would love us to get married, i would love to get married but not to him. I don't love him at all and haven't for sometime now. Some days i don't even like him. Our sex life is non existent (my choice) which causes lots of arguments.
Apart from having the kids I just feel like i've really messed up my life. I am a kind, decent and caring person and can't for the life of me work out how i ended up with someone like him. We argue alot and don't agree on how to discipline the kids e.t.c. When I think of some of the guys i had offers from when i was at college, i don't know how i could of been so stupid.
The wedding was full of happy couples, which me and dp are never going to be and it just really upset me. I'm only 25 but i feel like my life is over.
I haven't explained this very well at all sorry

OP posts:
JanHR · 25/01/2004 23:13

Is he namesd on any of the docs relating to the house?

Lou33 · 25/01/2004 23:14

I would think it's quite easy to get him to leave from a legal view if the flat is just in your name. Ask the HA, or the CAB.

Original poster
nutcracker · 25/01/2004 23:14

Thanx heaps for the offer JanHr

OP posts:
JanHR · 25/01/2004 23:15

You know that you can call me anytime.

Original poster
nutcracker · 25/01/2004 23:15

The housing association know that he lives here but he isn't on the tenancy agreement at all.

OP posts:
sb34 · 25/01/2004 23:16

Message withdrawn

marthamoo · 25/01/2004 23:17

Nutty, hon, I didn't know he had hurt you. You really don't have to take that..YOU ARE WORTH MORE THAN THAT. (((HUGS)))

JanHR · 25/01/2004 23:18

Sorry, can't remember if you said he isd violent to you or kids. if he is kick him out and get a resteaining order to keep him away.

Original poster
nutcracker · 25/01/2004 23:20

I know he has no rights to the flat but how do i physically get him to leave ????
He will also try to turn the kids against me too. I know how hard that is as a child because i was put through the same thing by my parents.

OP posts:
JanHR · 25/01/2004 23:23

change the locks when he is out

sb34 · 25/01/2004 23:23

Message withdrawn

JanHR · 25/01/2004 23:24

also put his clothes in bin liners and leave them outside the door.

Original poster
nutcracker · 25/01/2004 23:24

He's not violent towards the kids except for the fact that he smacks them alot more and harder than i think he should. He hasn't really hit me, more slapped me and twisted my arms behind my back. The thing that frightened me the last time was that I tried to leave and he locked me in, smashed my mobile and unplugged the house phone. I was really shocked at his behaviour as i was holding ds who was screaming hysterically.

OP posts:
Original poster
nutcracker · 25/01/2004 23:27

I just want to have a happy normal life. He wants us to go and visit my relatives in France (they've invited us to stay) and he thinks that this will help us to sort things out, give the kids some much needed space to play e.t.c but i think it wouldn't really change anything.

OP posts:
JanHR · 25/01/2004 23:27

abuse does not have to be physical.

JanHR · 25/01/2004 23:30

Nutty I am off to bed now, nut feel free to call. or text me tomrrow. If yu fancy a trip to burton justr hop onm the 112 and I will meet you

Original poster
nutcracker · 25/01/2004 23:33

Cheers Jan. Sleep tight. I will be off to bed soon too.

OP posts:
marthamoo · 25/01/2004 23:34

Nutty, it saddens me that you can say he doesn't really hit you then describe what he has done, almost as if it's OK. It isn't. I have had some horrendous, abuse screaming, rows with my dh - he has never laid a finger on me. It is NOT acceptable.

lavender1 · 25/01/2004 23:36

am just off to bed when I read this...that sounds a bit out of order, any hurting is out of order..he sounds a bit like a control freak like my dh! believe me the hands behind the back could become something else...does he do this when he's stressed or something hasn't gone his way?...how sacrey for you and ds, he is obviously trying to keep you there as maybe is scared you will go away from him...still not acceptable to lock you in though...I feel for you really...have to go to work tomorrow so am off to bed, but please keep posting and I'll be in touch tomorrow (if dh hasn't got rid of computer as am on mumsnet so much...he feels left out)...sure lots of other mumsnetters will be here for you

Lavxx

motherinferior · 26/01/2004 08:09

Nutty, he frightens me just from your posting; no wonder he frightens you. Physical abuse is just WRONG. Like MM, I can have a bellowing row with the best of them, but violence is totally off-limits. Take care.

aloha · 26/01/2004 10:47

Nutcracker, he sounds terrifying - honestly he does. he is violent to you and the children and that's no good to anyone. I know your life is stressful at present, but that is no excuse at all for violence. You could change the locks and then if the comes round and kicks off you can call the police and get an injuction to prevent him coming near you. I get the feeling he will get worse, not better. You are still very, very young and have a whole life ahead of you and you deserve to feel happy and safe and loved. This man is scary, controlling and dangerous. Anyone who would attack you with your child in your arms (or attack you, full stop) is someone who should not be in your life. I think you should get the police involved - esp if you want to get out of the relationship. He sounds dangerous. The way you feel now - weak and afraid and useless - is the way he has MADE you feel. Imagine you managed to break free of him now. In four years time all your children will be at school. You can study and get qualifications and you will still be under 30 - ten years younger than me! Imagine how great that will be. You could make it happen.

Blu · 26/01/2004 10:50

Hello Nutty,
I don't think I have 'chatted' with you before, so hope you don't mind me commenting on this. Try reading through the most recent part of this thread without stopping, and see what picture YOU get.

It sounds to me as if he is controlling you, and that he has taken away your ability to have your children cared for in a way you feel happy about. You are NOT useless and weak, but his behaviour is having the effect of restricting you as if you were, and making you believe that you are.

I strongly suspect that you can legally get him out, and oblige him to pay Child Support, too. MN-ers are right, you need an action plan. Try turning your aims like'to be happy' into actual actions that would lead to that. Perhaps you could go to college and see if they would give you a year's break, whle you sort out your domestic problems?

He IS violent to you, and to the children. I am the same age as your partner, and believe me, YOU have all the time in the world to nurture your life and let it blossom, HE is terrified of seeing you do just that. Good luck, you deserve better, and you can get it.

beetroot · 26/01/2004 10:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Helsbels · 26/01/2004 10:55

Be brave - get out, now. By the time you are 30 you will have a lovely life and will have put this behind you. Every week that you stay you are making it harder. If you are sure in your own mind that it is not going to improve take your courage and do this now. All the old sayings about plenty more fish etc are all true, you will meet someone who values you. There are such things as amicable breaks but even if it is not it i better then being miserable. On your list you say number 3 as be happy, it shopuld be number onw for you and your children. All you need to be happy is peace and love and you will have those.

doormat · 26/01/2004 11:09

nutcracker plenty of good advice here

The first thing you need is confidence and some independence.

if you think the relationship is worth salvaging go to counselling/relate etc

if not and you seriously dont love him and the feelings have gone get him out and start living your life.via injunction etc

The only thing that is stopping you is yourself.

hope it all goes well
xxx