Why can't I be happy ......Sorry self pitying and waffling

[nutcracker]

Yesterday I went to my cousins wedding, which was a lovely occasion, as they usually are. However it has really depressed me as i realised that i will never get my wedding day. I have been with my dp for 7 years, i met him when i was 18 and he was 38. I am now 25, him 46. We have 3 kids aged 6, 4 and 1.
He would love us to get married, i would love to get married but not to him. I don't love him at all and haven't for sometime now. Some days i don't even like him. Our sex life is non existent (my choice) which causes lots of arguments.
Apart from having the kids I just feel like i've really messed up my life. I am a kind, decent and caring person and can't for the life of me work out how i ended up with someone like him. We argue alot and don't agree on how to discipline the kids e.t.c. When I think of some of the guys i had offers from when i was at college, i don't know how i could of been so stupid.
The wedding was full of happy couples, which me and dp are never going to be and it just really upset me. I'm only 25 but i feel like my life is over.
I haven't explained this very well at all sorry

Nutty, you can do anything if you put your mind to it. He is making you feel useless and weak, but you are not. This man is dangerous, to you and your children, I really think you need to kick him out. Please have a look at this thread, it's got lots of useful links for women in your situation: domestic violence

Nutty, I honestly can't say anything other than what's already been said, I believ that you're stronger than you think you are and that as this is a very unhappy relationship for everyone concerned you should end it but I also understand it's much easier to say those words than to carry them out

I know that when my mum was in a bad relationship when I was growing up I blamed her alot for not leaving, she was too scared to leave and I found it infuriating that we had to put up with this monster aswell,.

I was only about 8 or 9 at the time but knew that it was all wrong. I've since asked her why she didn't leave and she thought that us children were happy, this wasn't the case we were just too scared (also) to complain.

Not much help sorry but sending you lots of hugs all the same(((( ))))

Nutcracker, you situation sounds so like mine, I was the same age with a violent man 17 years my senior, I walked out with my DD when I was 25 because I couldn't cope with it any more. It was the wrong thing to do - I mean leaving the house, as I lost all my rights.
He too has spent the past 6 years trying to turn my DD against me, but what he doesn't understand is the strength of my relationship with her and that we talk constantly to each other (DD and me) so we can address his nastiness. That said, he is a very loving father, so she adores him and sees him often.
Please think very hard about where you want to be in years to come, personally once my feelings had gone then there was no way back.
You can be stronger than you think and although it took me years to stop being bullied by him - it is such a good feeling when you finally do. HTH xx

nutty, didnt realise you were so sad....
i can only echo what everyone else has said really, you are never going to be happy if you feel this way. im sure it would be tough initially if you got rid of him but eventually you'd be happier, and its not fair on your kids to see thier mom so sad. im crap at relationship advise to be honest.

start your access course again this sept with me, im doing the part time monday one which will take 2 years, by the time you get to do your diploma your youngest will be ready for nursery so you wont be so tied.
let me know your ok and if you want to meet up in sutton or something then let me know.
xx

Thanx Tiredemma, thats so sweet of you.
Haven't really decided what i'm going to do yet, my head is all over the place to be honest. Can't help thinking at the back of my mind that things could be so different if we didn't have the housing probs, but maybe thats just me sticking my head in the sand again.

Hi Nutcracker,

So much of your post reminds you of me. I married an older man, was subject to domestic violence which I tried to deny was violence, I have 3 children too.
If you don't want to spend your life with this man you must separate now. Contact a solicitor who gives a first 30 minute appointment free and find out exactly what you can do to get him out.
You are still very young, sort out one problem at a time, don't worry about a career at the moment, get your housing problems sorted out, start on your own with your children living the life that you want to lead. There are so many women on here myself included who are now on the other side of a bad marriage. They may be cliches but you only have one life, this isn't a dress rehearsal and a happy mum leads to happy children.
Please act now, it may take guts but think of the alternative, and in a few years time you may be invited to another wedding where there is someone looking at you and envying the life that you have. Only you can do this for yourself and for your children.

Hugs lilibet xx

I would love people to envy my relationship. I just can't see how to do it. I just worry so much about being on my own. Money is my main concern. I am right up to my overdraft limit and have just put dd2 into nursery for another full day as they said she needed it. We sometimes struggle now and thats with dp's wages and over 500 a month wftc.

nutty I feel very sad reading your story but one thing jumps out at me. Be very very glad you are not married to this man. Should you decide to end the relationship it will be far easier for you. Do you have friends and family nearby who can help you out? IS there someone who could stay with you for a few nights (your dad, or a brother ) should you decide to ask him to leave ?
You are only 25. Don't chuck good years after bad.
Good luck.

can't think of anything useful to say at the moment but just wanted to offer my support..

Big >>>>>>...keep talking...we are here for you!!

Lavxxx

Jasper is SO right. Don't chuck good years after bad. You have no idea how young you are. You will never be this young again. Your partner will still have to pay to support you and you will get more benefits. I've always got an overdraft too! Not sure why your daughter 'needs' another full day at nursery either. Who says? Stop looking for negative reasons why you should stay, start looking at all the positive things that could happen in your life if he goes.

God what a sh*tty situation. Am trying to think of realistic ways of getting him to leave you so you can remain in house easily.

If he's not a 'reasonable' man its gonna be tricky....

You could stop washing completely............
Cease to provide meals/washing services etc.....
Basically make his life there so rubbish that he doesn't want to come home.........

Ok these are not very good ideas, but an angle is needed..........

Nutty: Thinking of you tonight, I just posted on the other thread about trying to calm your dd's cough, sorry things are hitting all at once for you. So much good advice here, I hope you can feel the support and that it will give you some strength. XX