Dont even know where to start

[dontknowheretogofromhere]

I am a regular poster on here, just like in real life, under my usual nickname I am happy, bubbly and positive.

Underneath however is a different story :-(

I have been single for nearly 2 years. I desperately want to meet someone because I am so, so lonely. My exH never showed me any love or affection, ever, we were only together because of the kids for at least the last 10 years.

I have had several flings with men who showed me affection, none of whom are right for me, but the minute someone is nice to me, or tells me I am attractive, then I give my all to them. Then I end up getting hurt all over again.

The kids spend half their time with their Dad and whilst they are with him I either cry in a ball, or go out and get completely pissed (then come home and cry in a ball)

I suffer from depression and went very low after Xmas, a couple of good friends helped me through it, and to the outisde I was normal and happy again.

I have been ok for a while since and have heavily relied on my friends. I dont know what I would do without them.

A couple of weeks ago I did something really stupid, I got drunk and I thought they had left me in a pub, it turned out that they hadnt, but I sent them some texts telling them to 'f off' amongst other things.

When I sobered up the next day I said sorry, but explained I thought they had left me. I got them flowers and tried to put things right.

Since then its all gone horribly wrong. One of them came round and told me that all our friends think I am selfish, intimidating and spiteful. She then gave me some examples of when I had been these things over the last few months. I had no idea they thought any of these things. I thought I was a good friend, I would always be there for anyone who needed me. I have asked another friend who says that she doesnt feel like that, but now I think she is just saying that.

I feel like that is the reason my exH didnt love me. Thats the reason I cant find anyone who treats me well. I thought I had a great circle of friends and I was wrong and now I am more alone than ever.

I have gone back to the place I was after Xmas now, I cant work, eat or sleep.

I darent contact anyone in case they think I am being selfish by saying I am low again. I am scared for the kids and have asked exH not to bring them back tomorrow.

I dont know what to do now and feel like the best thing for everyone is if I just disappear, I wish I could go to sleep and never wake up again.

Sorry if this sounds like a stupid childish story, it kind of feels like it is, but I am so paranoid now that everyone is talking about me that my mind isnt working well enough for me to know what to do next. If I am such a bad person nobody will ever want to be my friend ever again. I feel totally lost.

[dontknowheretogofromhere]

Thank you all so much

I know I shouldnt care about what my xH thinks and his GF, but I have always supported him and I would never ever say anything bad about him to anyone, he is my dcs father !

I also read between the lines from the texts that they were having an affair before we split, I did think that was probably the case, but seeing it there in front of me was a bit of a shock

I think I will ring the samaritans because I so need to talk to someone, I wish I had someone to give me a cuddle and tell me its going to be OK

[MsMoppet]

Hi there, so sorry about your discovery. I hope the samaritans are helpful - talking it through should help more than writing. Let us know if you need us though!

[Mimishimi]

What your ex thinks is irrelevant - you're hardly likely to be warm and fuzzy if he was cheating on you ( or even if he just left you) and controlling usually means you expect them to stixk to their access times/CSA payments. So just ignore those texts.

You have to stop the drinking. It makes even the best of people start to look annoying. If you have emotional problems, it makes it all so much worse because there is a tendency to become really obnoxious or excessively weepy. Concentrate on making a more attractive you ( eating, exercising etc) for you, not for others, and be careful of entering relations with someone who just wants a fling if it's likely that you will end up wanting more than that.

Good luck and hugs to you. You don't sound like a fundamentally awful person.

[AndTheBandPlayedOn]

Dontknowwhere, how are you doing today? I have been thinking about you and hope that you are feeling better.

[dontknowheretogofromhere]

Just thought I would post an update and say a big thank you for the support that I got on here.

I have talked to a couple more friends and they have told me that from their point of view I am being bullied by the other friends.

Because I have quite a strong personality I often say what I think and I know that I am a 'love me or hate me' type of person, but my other friends have said that I cannot allow this to knock me down, and whilst I am going through a rough time, the other friends have not been fair to me.

I rang the samaritans on the night that I said I would and the person I spoke to helped me through that night.

I am listening to the friends that have said I am not a horrible person, but I still feel it a little bit. I am just going to stay away from everyone for the time being.

I feel much better today and reading my OP back I feel sad for how bad I felt the day I posted that, but I also want to say thank you for the kind words said to me that day, I really really needed it.

[cestlavielife]

your gp can prescribe self help books; exercise classes at local gym; and counselling - if you found samaritans helfpul you might find face to face counsellor helps even more. you could work on setting specific goals in betweens essions; such as an alternative to crying in a ball - presumably the dc are happy with going to dad so it is about you...you can find a different way to let out frustration that is more positive - join local national trust tree clearing team and bash some bushes for example or other physical activity - if you need people join a volunteer group;
if you happy alone then myriad possibilities to sign up to a gym or do the couch to 5k thingy
you could also join specific divorced and separated group or do a weekend like //www.drw.org.uk