Previously uninterested father of baby 'wants to talk'

[ArcaneAsylum]

I had a very casual relationship for a few months at the end of last year. He was sleeping with other women and I didn't want a relationship with him, so I ended it. Shortly after I found out I was pregnant. My immediate decision was that I wanted to keep the baby.

I told him this and his initial instinct was to say that he didn't want another child (he already has a daughter) and to accuse me of planning the pregnancy (I didn't). This didn't bother me as I didn't really expect full support.

However, he then escalated to barraging me with text messages trying to emotionally blackmail me into having an abortion with all sorts of rubbish. I refused to give into the pressure.

He then threatened to move away and change his name so that I could not force him to pay child maintenance. I gave him a chance to reflect and sent him a single message after the 12 week scan asking if he would accept some financial responsibility or if I should involve the CSA. There was no answer.

I accepted that he would not be a part of the baby's life and instead began to sort out my finances and future childcare so that I was prepared for when the baby comes.

He has now messaged me over a month later to ask for a meeting to discuss the baby. I have agreed but do not trust him. In my mind, he would have no contact with the baby and I was fine with that. I have agreed to meet because 1. He IS the father, regardless of whether I like him or not 2. It will be easier to have him willingly support his child than to involve the CSA.

I have been polite to him and answered some questions, but I am confused with some of what he has said. He asked for a picture of the pregnancy, so I sent him a copy of the scan pic. He then texted back to say no, he meant a picture of me pregnant (?!).

I said that I wasn't sure when I would be available to meet as I planned to move next week. He asked where and why, and I told him that I needed more space now that I was having a baby (I currently live in a one bed flat). He wanted to know who with and I told him it would just be me and baby. Next message asks if I have a boyfriend. I ignore this, so he asks again. I ask why it's relevant and he says that it is to him.

Now he is messaging me as if things were like they were back when we dated, asking me what I'm reading, that he has done this... Etc. I am soooo confused as to what on earth he is playing at considering his earlier behaviour. I am also suspicious as to why he has had a change of heart about the baby.

I know this is selfish, but I really was happy at the thought of being a single mum as I meant I wouldn't have to deal with him and would have the baby all to myself. I don't want him in the baby's life (even though he has a right to be involved) as he is a terrible role model- a serial womaniser who casually uses drugs and who publicly holds some very controversial views, not to mention his earlier behaviour.

I guess my question is (and thank you if you have actually read this far!), what do you think his motivations might be (I cannot work them out) and what should I say when I meet him?

He did make a pretence of not actively preventing a baby though - and if he didn't WANT a baby, then he should have taken ACTIVE responsibility for this, and either had a vasectomy, or use a condom and accept that occasionally even condoms fail, and create a pregnancy.

No method of contraception is fail safe, all carries a slight risk of pregnancy even when used correctly. Therefore every time you have sex, you are taking a calculated risk on creating a baby.

I am ADAMANT that I don't want any more DC's. Therefore, to ensure this, I am not having sex. I have been celibate for two years now.

THAT is the only failsafe contraception.

If you choose a more risky contraception, there is at least a 1% chance of failure every time you use it.

Take that risk, don't take that risk, but either way, accept that it IS a risk, and you are choosing to accept that a baby MAY result every time you have sex, and if it does, as a father, you WILL be equally financially responsible.

And if you are a decent human being, you will be equally MORALLY and EMOTIONALLY responsible too.

If you aren't prepared to accept that risk - have a vasectomy or become celibate.

But what about the mother Couthy? She CHOSE to have a baby with someone who is not willing to be a father and whom she does not want as a father for her baby. But she wants his money. I find this unsettling.

I'm no longer (as a woman) prepared to accept that risk, as a termination would not be acceptable to me, under ANY circumstances other than rape, therefore I'm celibate.

If I can do it, as a woman with a very high sex drive in their early 30's, then anybody can.

Just depends HOW much they really don't want any more DC's...

And how decent a human being they are...

"Any single men reading this, had better beware. Read the comments. Then, before the next unprotected roll in the hay, just stop and think?. You won?t be consulted on whether you want to be a parent? one of the most important decisions of your life.

But then, with no condom, ? you give up any control. You will become a parent without your consent, simply because the woman wants to. Better beware."

If he chooses not to use a condom he is giving his consent that a baby may be produced!

Even with a condom there is a risk. Contraception is not 100% therfore we all make a choice to have sex knowing a baby may be the end result.

He is not interested in the child, he just wants to see if he can win you over again to try to get you to feel sorry for him and stop any CSA/maintenance talks. Do not get sucked in. You have moved on and are stronger without him messing about with you and your baby.
I have been there with a guy who can't decide if he wants in or out but most certainly didn't want to pay. The only route is CSA sadly, but you cannot control whether they will have contact. If he really cared about the child he would be asking about contact and bonding.

Newsflash: unprotected sex can lead to babies.
Who knew?

Poppylemons were you absent when sex ed was on the menu at school? Your 'warning' to 'men' that sex could equal baby is hilarious.

X post clam

She CHOSE to continue with a pregnancy that is already there.

By this point, a man no longer has a choice in whether a baby will be born or not, as his time for making that choice has passed.

If he DIDN'T want a baby THAT badly - he would have made damn fucking SURE he didn't have one. BEFORE one was conceived, because obviously he has no say in any decision made after that point.

I had this situation with my DD's father.

I was on the pill, yet still fell pg.

He didn't want me to keep the baby. I wanted desperately to keep it.

Strangely, though, once DD was conceived, it was MY decision, and mine only. Because my baby WASN'T growing inside HIS body.

Should I not pursue him for maintenance because he didn't take responsibility for his own fertility?

BOLLOCKS.

He contributed as much of her DNA as I did. She deserves financial support from the person who contributed 50% of her DNA.

DD is now 15yo. Should I have struggled for 15 years alone because my pill failed and I could not go through with a termination unless in VERY certain circumstances (the only two I could do would be rape or a condition incompatible with life, and even then I'd feel terrible mentally. I agree that each woman should have their own choice in what is right for them, but I know it's wrong for ME)?

He knew long before we ever slept together my views about terminations, that wasn't exactly going to change once I found myself pregnant with a REAL DC, were they?!

You can't say 'he didn't want to have a baby' as though that makes him a bad person, when the two of you had sex, neither of you wanted to have a baby. In that respect you both were in agreement. You are going to have to get real and see this as not about you or yourself, but about a child who needs to be loved by both parents, not be set up by one parent against the other.

Blimey whether you like the man or not or whether he wants to pay or you want to pay, this is about a human being who will grow into an adult and want to know who his father will have a right to know.

Nobody knows what the future holds. If someone dies, who takes care of the child? Of course, it will be the father, he will have 'first dibs' (if that is in the interest of the child - which he will easily be able to argue) like it or not. You should have thought of that the moment you found out you were pregnant. You knew what this man was like and you decided to take a chance on this child's life. You made your bed and you are now tied to a loser druggie for the rest of your life. Hopefully he will change and grow up, you never what he might become, you never know what might happen to you.

I have spent the last months trying to find the child of my brother who died. When I made contact his mother told me that both of them had agreed not to keep contact but the boy was now growing up and was confused and wanting contact. Probate couldn't be resolved without finding him.

I think the best you can do is be 'business like' and see what he wants. But you must understand that if you push this man away you will have to explain it to your child later on and consider how that will make them feel.

I wish you all the best of luck.

He doesn't need to be consulted if he is sure he doesn't want a baby, he should take responsibility for his own fertility. How is that so difficult to comprehend?

Are you finding that a difficult concept? As said before, my 11yo DS1 understands it...

Actually, DD's father 'came round' to the idea of having DD when she was 12 (!) and now is in regular contact. Admittedly being 650 miles away has helped because DD just sees it as it was too difficult for him to see her before then, and neither of us are going to disabuse her of that notion, as it wouldn't be in her best interests.

He also has paid regular maintenance for the last 3 years, without missing a month.

Though granted, I released him of any responsibility towards the previous 12 years - mostly because he'd been unemployed AND without JSA for most of that, as the unwashed dependent of his current wife...

Now he's finally grown up, and is actually a really good father to DD finally.

It took over a decade for him to grow up though!!

Hahahahahahaha at 'unwashed' dependent. Hilarious though probably true Autocorrect!

Was meant to say 'unWAGED dependent'.

She didn't want the baby when she had sex with him. She decided she wanted it later, knowing what he was like, knowing that this baby is going to grow into an adult that will want to make contact, knowing that he didn't want her to continue with the pregnancy. That's her choice but she has to live with the consequences, and not just the consequences of bringing up a child with a father she doesn't get along with and who may one day reject her if she's not careful about doing the right thing.

Jeez I'm starting to sound like Jeremy Kyle now!

Arf at 'unwashed'.

And people finding it hard to understand that sex leads to babies.

I meant the child could reject her if she doesn't do the right thing, not the 'Dad', he's already done that.

Couthy you have just revealed this 'debate' is a very personal matter to you. I don't really wish to try and erode a viewpoint you and your DD have and which is important to you.

All I will say is OP has not said she is 'struggling' financially, quite the opposite.

x post couthy

It doesnt matter if she is struggling or not, he is still responsible for his child.

And that child may at some point need that support and even if they dont they are entitled to it.

I went via CSA as my ex couldn't make his mind up and saw DD for 6 months and then got a new g.f and buggered off. Took me to Court with CSA Tribunal and he lost and wa ordered to pay infront of his new g.f. He then quit his job to avoid CSA. Luckily for him his g.f is financially secure enough to pay his rent etc while he claims jobseekers when he previously earned £45k. Poor moo has clearly been sold a sob story.
I don't regret going via CSA. For starters he has responsibility here, regardless of whether he thinks you should have had an abortion. To me that smacks of reckless behaviour on his behalf at the very least. As far as I am concerned DD's dad could always change his mind and show up. If this relationship flops, he might suddenly decide he wants to see her. It could be next week or it might be in 5/10/15 years. He could turn up and cause all sorts of emotional problems on a whim. I strangely feel back up that if he is 'having to pay' he is avoiding us - proof in that he hasn't managed a penny due to benefits and CSA hiding.
However, DD will at some point want to know about him and I sure as heck am not going to lie to her. So she will possibly want to find him if they haven't met already.
Would you rather your daughter met a man (even if you despise him) and heard he not only never saw her/cared/thought about her, but ran away from financial responsibility too? That would make me wonder about my genetic morals (if there are such things) and make me feel pretty crap as a kid meeting a parent for the first time. She doesn't need to know much but at least he can have one card in a deck of jokers - he tried to contribute if I ever actually get my £20 a month and she doesn't need to know I had to go to Court to make him give the slightest shit.

I may be a bit paranoid here, but I'll add my voice to those suggesting to be a bit wary re chasing CSA. Lots of men seem to find paying this so troubling that they put a lot of effort into making you suffer for every £. Unless there are extremely clear signs of abuse (and negative attitudes and casual drug use are not likely to be sufficient) then he can request, and the courts would likely allow, regular and overnight contact. How would you feel about that? In terms of him deliberately messing you around, and filling your childs head with nonsense? Unless you are sure he won't be bothered to do this, or he's too lazy and disorganised.

I think we could short-cut a lot of this discussion if the OP was willing to tell us whether contraception was used, and if it was him or her who used it. Then we know how much of a risk this bloke thought himself to be taking.

OP, I do believe men should pay to support kids they father, but having said that you can afford to support the baby yourself and you would prefer him not to have any involvement, why not take the route he's offering and leave him out of it entirely? Let him think he's fooled you that he's moved to Libya and let it go?

WHy are some of you so upset at the idea that men need to take some responsibility for what they do with their dicks?

Even if the OP's Ex was wearing a condom, he was still taking a 1% risk that that condom would fail and a baby would be created.

The only 100%, permanently definite way NOT to have any DC's is to stay celibate.

Even a female sterilisation OP or a vasectomy do not have a 100% permanent success rate.

Therefore, EVERY time you have sex, you are accepting at least a 1% risk that you are creating a baby. And that you will be equally financially responsible for any baby created through that sex.

If you don't want a baby, stay celibate...it works!