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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

R u staying in an abusive relationship?

14 replies

Molly333 · 05/04/2013 22:55

This is a message to those that are avoiding leaving and keeping fixing things. I did that was married for 13 years had a six yr old and a one yr old, thought I was happy , nice home , nice friends . He had had agressive spells every yr or so but I ignored them ( as my mum did with my dad, nicely learnt behaviour)
Then life changed overnight! We went to a family party , I left early as my youngest was whinging so took them home. He didn't come home for 8 hrs ! By this time it's one or 2 am. He came back hidiously drunk, never seen anyone so bad, falling over , crashing into doors, he was really agressive ! He then told me he never lived me and loved someone else, in fact he was going to wake our daughter and tell her now! I ran to stop him and he went berserk , he punched me repeatedly in the stomach, head, arms and bit my nose, I eventually got away, grabbed my keys and went to the police. He was arrested and charged with assault ( caution) . However this is the worst bit , two days later I lost my eyesight , I had such severe nerve damage to the side of my head due to the punches!!! This is utterly true . Don't ignore aggression or violence , it only takes that extra punch!

OP posts:
NutherChange · 05/04/2013 23:07

That is bloody awful OP! So sorry this happened to you.

All he got was a caution!!?? Bloody hell that's appalling!

Glad you are safe now, and yes, unfortunately for a lot of women violence can escalate to extemely serious levels.

Original poster
Molly333 · 05/04/2013 23:13

Yes and he hasn't seen his children for two years either, he can't be bothered

OP posts:
NutherChange · 05/04/2013 23:20

They are better off without him OP. My ExH (also abusive) ignores his DC in the street. They are truly the scum of the earth.

izzyizin · 06/04/2013 01:01

As I've often said on this board ONE PUNCH CAN KILL and you're lucky to be alive but he got a caution for gbh? That is a truly appalling indictment of the attitude to dv exhibited by some police forces - usually the ones with the glossy user friendly websites proclaiming the lengths the regional police authority goes to in order to support and protect victims of violent assault.

Has your eyesight returned and have you received compensation from what was formerly the Criminal Injuries Board?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 06/04/2013 07:43

That's a shocking story OP but did no-one ever say to you 'get out', 'he's dangerous', etc? Would you have listened if they had? If you had read your message at the point when you were ignoring the aggression, would it have made a difference?

I suppose what I'm asking, because quite a few of us have known women who live with abusive men and been unable to influence them, is whether there was anything someone could have done earlier that would have prevented you having to be physically disabled before you took action

Original poster
Molly333 · 06/04/2013 08:14

I do t think anything would hv made a difference as I grew up in a home of abuse so I just kept quiet , however, what's different now is that I'm out and I wd never go back , I hv children that are growing up without abuse , that's the biggest thing I can do I believe . Coincidentally , my mum and dad thought I should take him back, as no woman can manage without a man!!!! I've been a single mum now for six years and I can truly say the recovery has been the hardest thing I've ever done , that's nearly killed me the most, retraining yr total way of thinking is so hard! One thing the refuge said was what made me focus " what If one of yr children had got in the way when it happened or what if you had fallen down the stairs or even died? " who wd hv yr children ? As I said it only takes one more punch .

OP posts:
Original poster
Molly333 · 06/04/2013 08:17

By the way on the positive , it's amazing to know how free feels! I'm 43 and hv just been given a place at university despite hving few qualifications from school I went bk to study when he left , a v good distraction

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 06/04/2013 08:38

Do you think the refuge argument 'what if one of your children got in the way... ' etc would have made you act sooner if it had been made earlier in the abuse? Or do you think it would have made no difference? What if someone had intervened more directly e.g called the police or similar?

Just trying to work out if there is any sense in trying to persuade a victim to leave an abusive partner or if arguments are always going to fall on deaf ears.

NutherChange · 06/04/2013 08:51

Your situ is very similar to mine OP, although mine was largely EA and threats.

I'm also six years single this year, kids doing well and I'm currently in uni, similar age too. Finding myself single with a family to support prompted me to get qualifications. Truly the best thing I ever did.

cogito is correct in saying that by the time of the first act of violence, the woman is usually groomed and will reason it away (with his help).

For me it wasn't the many times people had tried to make me see sense, it was when he did become violent and unfortunately turned it on one of my DC, that was the final straw, he was out, never to return.

MadBraLady · 06/04/2013 09:35

Coincidentally , my mum and dad thought I should take him back, as no woman can manage without a man!!!!

Sad That must have been so hard. When I read things like that it almost makes me angrier with the people trying to get the woman to "put up and shut up" than I am with the actual abuser.

Congrats on your university place!

Original poster
Molly333 · 06/04/2013 19:12

Thank you , my mum babysits for my brothers all the time but never for me as its my job to parent the children! It makes me so angry! But on the other side of the fence my dad sits in his chair all the time barking orders at my my normally starting with the word "bitch" . My mum is v pretty slim and way above my dads league but she has no confidence at all. In this day and age it's unbelievable that this still goes on .

OP posts:
Original poster
Molly333 · 06/04/2013 23:54

In answer to the previous messages I wish wish someone had called the police earlier because they did help me see what abuse was and linked me to the woman's refuge who really saved us . Women in that situation do keep it quiet and always hope for change but they also don't realise that sometimes it takes others to show them how their life is and how unsafe they are. I know it's not the same for everyone but in my case I wish the police had been called by someone else . Ps the criminal injuries board gave me £ 6000 ( I bought a car better than his, he went mad at that too) .

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/04/2013 07:32

Interesting you say that about the police because that's what I've thought for a while. Hypothetically... if a work colleague told me they were being attacked by their partner and then called in sick the next day saying they'd broken an arm would you say getting the police to visit them would be the right thing to do?

Original poster
Molly333 · 07/04/2013 08:43

I would investigate further myself and ask her a few more questions , but if children were involved I would definitely as I grew up with abuse then grew up with no self esteem and married an abuser and nearly paid for that with my life

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