Really fed up with DH - mid life crisis type post - long

[BoffinMum]

So, DH has a long history of being a bit of a grumpy old sod at home more often than not when it suits him, and lying in bed at every opportunity (at the weekend it's usually more or less all morning, plus at least a 2 hour nap in the afternoons, plus slipping upstairs for a bit more of a lie down at regular intervals whenever I am not looking). I have pointed out he is doing less and less with us as a family, that we have become a very stereotypically gendered household in some respects, and that he might be depressed but he replies:

1. No he isn't, He is just tired.
2. He works hard and commutes to London (NB I also have a full time job and commute to London, he replies his commute is half an hour longer each way and I get to work from home sometimes).
3. He needs more sleep than me.
4. He does some of the washing and cooks once a week or so.
5. He earns more than me which makes his job more important to propping up the lifestyle of the family.
6. Two weekends out of three in term time he takes the older two to the local station on a Saturday morning to get the train to school (20 minutes there and back, then he goes back to bed).

(I have posted on here in the past about the rampant hypochondria linked to the lie downs, but luckily that has now diminished to more or less tolerable proportions since encouraged by MN I told him to man up and that there was nothing wrong with him, although he did strut about in front of our Christmas day guests with a thermometer thingy in his ear at one stage, so the hypochondria has obv not gone completely).

Now he lost his dad a couple of weeks ago, and the funeral was yesterday. I have been doing all the necessary propping up and wifely support that you would expect and which is only right. However his reaction to this is like an extreme version of his normal-lying-in-bed-complaining-all-the-time-not-doing-much-with-the-family. When his mum died a few years back it was also extreme. I think it's probably not an exaggeration to say that he copped out of family life for an entire year on that occasion (I remember speaking to relatives about it for advice at the time, I was so exhausted and fed up). I had five, repeat five bereavements of my own during the same period, including one of my closest, dearest relatives, but they were more or less ignored because he was so wrapped up in himself and his own grief.

I am really worried I am facing another year or so of doing all the heavy lifting for the family emotionally and domestically while he disappears into his psychological defence cave. I am not sure I have anything left to give. Over the last year or so I have felt suffocated by his moods and needs for lie downs, absolutely suffocated, and imprisoned in the house while we wait for him to wake up/get up/get dressed/get washed and join in. It's like we are all perpetually in limbo, and when we do get out, he's such a wet weekend it's no fun any more. I struggle to do the whole thing on my own as my mobility isn't the best.

He never volunteers to take the kids to the park, play with them or anything - if I don't nag him or do it myself the 3YO would basically spend all weekend indoors more or less entertaining himself, and the older ones would just sit in their rooms. He does however run around in a complete frenzy on a Sunday evening at 9pm in an attempt to find their PE kits and get them to complete their homework, at which time we are all completely frazzled frankly.

When he is at home, DH disappears off regularly and if he's not in bed, after half an hour or so he will appear and say things like 'well, I've tidied the kids's rooms/tidied our rooms/put everything away' very proudly, when the reality is that this is a 5 minute job stretched out to 30 as I have already usually spent the morning on domestic tasks, and he is actually multi tasking in the most inefficient way possible - dabbling about doing a bit of a job here, a bit of a job there, never quite finishing anything, criticising the way I organise the house. If he runs out of these pointless domestic tasks to occupy himself, that's when he goes off to lie in bed for a bit, rather than do something with the kids.

I have tried playing his lying in bed game as well, to see what happens, but basically the kids just end up rather neglected and start fighting, and he gets even grumpier.

I am really exhausted with all this. It is not what I got married for, tbh. I have just snapped at him and told him to 'see a fucking counsellor FFS' and while I apologised straight afterwards, he has now driven off in a sulk to get away from the house. I am not getting what I need emotionally from this marriage at the moment, at all.

Oh dear, what on earth do other people do in this situation?

I am thinking of many uncaring symbolic things. Last year for my birthday he bought my present at an airport on the way back from a business trip. It was a piece of cheap jewellery, and when I took it out the box it was broken. I was apparently supposed to take it to a jewellers in town to get it repaired, at my own expense. He did not offer to do this or make any effort at all to put it right. I've not got around to this so the jewellery has never been worn.

Well you have certainly isolated that he has become uncaring. And that he expects you to do a lot of caring about him.

What can you do to refocus your efforts to care for yourself, and do less less of his work for him?

A few weekends away, a few evening meals with friends, refocus on your social life?even a holiday?

Let him cope. Especially since he doesn't think it is much work, and he does half anyway.

Also, It isn't my business, but I think that taking on an extra home right now is not a wise idea.

Boffin, I'm usually the one bouncing in one these threads to say: hold on to your marriage. But I don't like the sound of how he treats you. It lacks love. Broken airport jewellery? Neal's Yard supermarket cream? He sounds indifferent to your needs and your difficulties in the marriage.
No idea what to suggest, except that you can't really stay like this any longer.

Totally agree with onefewer, that you need a heavy dose of pampering and self-care. Weekend away, nights out with the girls - at least one a week.

Genuine question: have you ordered those silk pyjamas yet?

No, I am out with two of the kids while he runs his own errands.

I am afraid of going to Relate and them backing him up, or him using his gift of the gab on them and going on about how 'difficult' I am and what a saint he is.

Boffin I have been criticised a life time over on here for pandering to my DH and giving up x y and z for him and I am well known for saying marriage is tough and has its ups and downs which require compromise on both sides. DH and I aren't perfect - in fact I'm pissed off today.

But, that sentence quoted above sounds like emotional abuse to me and you should not have to feel like that.

Married has a point Boffin.

(although married, I can't really imagine you pissed off, you always seem so calm, cool and collected!)

Oh this is a sad thread
I'm consistently depressed by the poor quality of men. Massive generalisation of course. I just don't know any women with male partners who aren't a bit like this.

I'm sad too because I recognise so much of it and am coming around to the idea myself that it's make or break time. I don't want to split up but I'm living with a man who, in the face of any emotion from me (and I'm not a screamer or a cryer...) chooses silence. So I've no idea what he thinks of any of our relationship at the moment, which sort of suggests that he doesn't think much of any of it, or of me.

The feeling of being unthought of is so difficult to deal with, I actually don't think there are any ways to describe it in adult language.

In the light of that fear about counselling, maybe look up psychological manipulation on wiki. The list of tactics, and the list of qualities of people vulnerable, was a revelation to me. And I never would have thought it before I started taking a much more forensic look.

Boff, you are not a bitch, you know that.

Your DH doesn't (outwardly, but that may be the Act) seem like a monster, either, though, so I can only assume that things have gone downhill in the year and a bit since I last saw you. He did drive to the airport to pick up a random stranger you'd met on MN once ;)

But from what you say here, he is being very unreasonable, some kind of mid-life crisis thingy. And, without wishing to project my own complex marital problems on your situation, I would agree with the poster who said that men are proving a bit duff. I get the impression that many women have a far higher capacity to adapt to complicated situations and to take on practical, everyday tasks than many men. Why that is, I don't know.

One thing maybe: you are not high maintenance by any means, but you do, i think, set high standards, justifiably so. For yourself, first and foremost but then perhaps also for those around you. Has he said he finds those wearing? Is he feeling somehow inept and inadequate and is taking it out on you?
You do have long commutes, both of you, and you've been through lots of upheaval with nannies, bereavement, health issues, job change for you, etc. Is there any way you could slow the pace, or do you think that's a red herring?

Living alone in the week - that may have been an idle threat, a huffy litmus test to gauge your reaction. But if you stop to think about it, would that be a solution for you? If you saw each other less often but also with less stress, less commuting for him, less angst, would it provide a degree of rest from things. I'm not suggesting it is necessarily the solution, but what are your feelings about it? Would you miss him? Would you be relieved? Resentful?

Gotta go, but I'll pop back later and will also try to e-mail or call you soon.

FW hugs to you, and I'll try and send some chocolate olives to keep your stamina up!

Oh BoffinMum, like a few others on this thread I am sorry that this is you...I have always really liked how you come across and you were good enough to give me some help via PM a little while ago.

The only thing I would say is - pause for a month, due to the bereavement. Then, as i can see that you don't want to move immediately to LTB steps, try all supportive measures: insisting he goes to the Dr, recommending counselling, sending him away for the weekend...if he does not respond, take stock from there.

I also know how it is to try to argue/negotiate with someone who is very clever, a formidable negotiator and able to ague that the sky is not blue.

But the online sleep app thing? The next time he shows it to you: you can't make head nor tail of it. Repeat ad nauseum. Yes, I know you are an academic, he knows you are an academic, but somehow these statistics are 'beyond' you....:)

OP, he sounds incredibly entitled but I think you are enabling his behaviour too. Problem is the recent bereavement which is a real issue but the back story makes me think it will be one thing in a list of excuses.

You mentioned him 'forgetting' to do things like the holiday booking; what is he like at work?

Personally I wouldn't care that much about the crap gifts - I would just go out and buy myself something nice, 'actually darling I wear Chanel 19 these days, but I'll give your Neals Yard smellies to the school tombola / your sister etc.' Out of interest, how did he feel about embarking on fatherhood again in his 50s?

Sounds like money is not going to be a big issue in the Boffin household if you do split, but it may be if he takes early retirement, I would cull that idea pretty quickly otherwise you will be doing absolutely everything and it may be harder to split up if needed.

Auld, I am sure he does think my standards are too high, whatever that means. He comes from a family where the domestic standards are really rather low by anyone's standards.

Auld it would be hard for anyone whose H was not contributing if they just moved out Monday-Friday. It would just enable him to do even less. Or perhaps he will take the three year old with him? And what about the holidays?

LadyLapsang funnily enough I did put the remains of a pre-marital bottle of Chanel No 19 on before I went out with the kids earlier, only to have DS2 say to me 'god, mum, you smell like Grandma'.

He seemed fine about fatherhood at 51, and on many levels we found it easier this time apart from the fact I couldn't walk.

I am not sure where the line between friendly compromise and enabling lies.

If he moved out he would do all the easy fun stuff and I would end up as a glorified nanny. Been there, got the t-shirt.

"I am not sure where the line between friendly compromise and enabling lies." This is such a good point.

Almost certainly he thinks you are both on the friendly compromise side of the line, and if you're anything like me you're thinking this line is getting to be a bit of a pain in the arse.

It seems to me that the moving out during the week might also be an attempt at "Poor me the missus kicked me out so am alone all week noone cares " whilst actually doing even less but garnering sympathy.
If I were you my rage would know no bounds at that little gem !

Julie, along with 'the missus gabe me a hard time after I had barely buried my dad' etc.

I wasn't suggesting that him moving out was a good idea, but that Boff's thinking about how she feels at the suggestion might help her clarify where she is at.
Sorry I didn't make that clear. I am well aware it would mean he'd have an ideal excuse to engage even less with the dull reality of everyday parenting and would have the role of fun, relaxed Daddy. It was Boff's feelings I was trying to gauge...

The good point Auld made was about the dad issue. I would give it two week more, so a month has passed from that. However, I don't believe a woman such as yourself is basing this in a two week blip. Your OP makes that clear.

One thing is for sure. If he is not ill, and if this is a long term thing, he is doing this because he can, and he wants.

With my H I imagine a box. He used to draw a big box around his life, and exclude from it anything he decided wasn't his or he didn't "have time for".

Of course, I couldn't draw my own box around mine, because who would do the stuff in the middle?

Effectively, he is saying, "this is what I am able to do ( ie offering to do) the rest us yours".

Life is tough with 4 kids. We have five, and careers. ( 2 grown though). Tough for both of you .

I was just mulling over the initial response and thinking about the mindset of a man who on hearing that his wife was unhappy , exhausted and at the end of her tether would offer(threaten) to move out during the week . Absent during the week,emotionally and physically absent at the weekends = win/win for him.

Can't offer much advice BoffinMum other than to say I always enjoy your posts and on the basis of them I don't see you as difficult or high maintenance. So power to your elbow (or foot in giving him a kick up the arse). Good work on focusing on making him get involved with the practicalities. Are you going to shove hiom out of bed before 8 again tomorrow?

Oh, and on the 'he makes me go to bed early too' just don't. Don't see why he gets to sleep whenever he likes but also to dictate when you sleep. Stay up and tell him you are going to do so.