Really fed up with DH - mid life crisis type post - long

[BoffinMum]

So, DH has a long history of being a bit of a grumpy old sod at home more often than not when it suits him, and lying in bed at every opportunity (at the weekend it's usually more or less all morning, plus at least a 2 hour nap in the afternoons, plus slipping upstairs for a bit more of a lie down at regular intervals whenever I am not looking). I have pointed out he is doing less and less with us as a family, that we have become a very stereotypically gendered household in some respects, and that he might be depressed but he replies:

1. No he isn't, He is just tired.
2. He works hard and commutes to London (NB I also have a full time job and commute to London, he replies his commute is half an hour longer each way and I get to work from home sometimes).
3. He needs more sleep than me.
4. He does some of the washing and cooks once a week or so.
5. He earns more than me which makes his job more important to propping up the lifestyle of the family.
6. Two weekends out of three in term time he takes the older two to the local station on a Saturday morning to get the train to school (20 minutes there and back, then he goes back to bed).

(I have posted on here in the past about the rampant hypochondria linked to the lie downs, but luckily that has now diminished to more or less tolerable proportions since encouraged by MN I told him to man up and that there was nothing wrong with him, although he did strut about in front of our Christmas day guests with a thermometer thingy in his ear at one stage, so the hypochondria has obv not gone completely).

Now he lost his dad a couple of weeks ago, and the funeral was yesterday. I have been doing all the necessary propping up and wifely support that you would expect and which is only right. However his reaction to this is like an extreme version of his normal-lying-in-bed-complaining-all-the-time-not-doing-much-with-the-family. When his mum died a few years back it was also extreme. I think it's probably not an exaggeration to say that he copped out of family life for an entire year on that occasion (I remember speaking to relatives about it for advice at the time, I was so exhausted and fed up). I had five, repeat five bereavements of my own during the same period, including one of my closest, dearest relatives, but they were more or less ignored because he was so wrapped up in himself and his own grief.

I am really worried I am facing another year or so of doing all the heavy lifting for the family emotionally and domestically while he disappears into his psychological defence cave. I am not sure I have anything left to give. Over the last year or so I have felt suffocated by his moods and needs for lie downs, absolutely suffocated, and imprisoned in the house while we wait for him to wake up/get up/get dressed/get washed and join in. It's like we are all perpetually in limbo, and when we do get out, he's such a wet weekend it's no fun any more. I struggle to do the whole thing on my own as my mobility isn't the best.

He never volunteers to take the kids to the park, play with them or anything - if I don't nag him or do it myself the 3YO would basically spend all weekend indoors more or less entertaining himself, and the older ones would just sit in their rooms. He does however run around in a complete frenzy on a Sunday evening at 9pm in an attempt to find their PE kits and get them to complete their homework, at which time we are all completely frazzled frankly.

When he is at home, DH disappears off regularly and if he's not in bed, after half an hour or so he will appear and say things like 'well, I've tidied the kids's rooms/tidied our rooms/put everything away' very proudly, when the reality is that this is a 5 minute job stretched out to 30 as I have already usually spent the morning on domestic tasks, and he is actually multi tasking in the most inefficient way possible - dabbling about doing a bit of a job here, a bit of a job there, never quite finishing anything, criticising the way I organise the house. If he runs out of these pointless domestic tasks to occupy himself, that's when he goes off to lie in bed for a bit, rather than do something with the kids.

I have tried playing his lying in bed game as well, to see what happens, but basically the kids just end up rather neglected and start fighting, and he gets even grumpier.

I am really exhausted with all this. It is not what I got married for, tbh. I have just snapped at him and told him to 'see a fucking counsellor FFS' and while I apologised straight afterwards, he has now driven off in a sulk to get away from the house. I am not getting what I need emotionally from this marriage at the moment, at all.

Oh dear, what on earth do other people do in this situation?

If he really loved me, would he not be shocked and sad that I am unhappy, rather than defensive?

Tunip, I think he imagines I sit around on the sofa or something.

Well what else can you try then? Whatever he believes, you are not happy with the current arrangement. He is either prepared to take your feelings seriously and agree to make some changes or he isn't. While it would be daft to expect him to just say 'oh, ok then - I'll do x, y and z' and you can both live happily ever after (it is bound to be more complicated than that) you do have to find a way to get through to him. Do you think you can? Do you think he wants to hear it? Is HE happy?

He can't imagine that you sit on the sofa all day - he is an intelligent man. If childcare and running the house involved sitting on your bum all day, why does he need to be in bed?

And yes if he really loved you I think he would be at least prepared to listen to your concerns and address them in a respectful way. He may be defensive I suppose but ultimately he will realise that your feelings are genuine and that if he wants to make you happy he will need to take you seriously.

Oh God, I feel your pain! (I have namechanged for this.) My DH is exactly the same with regard to the sleeping and "naps". He insists on getting up early - at 6, even at weekends, and then spends the rest of the day "napping". He then rants because we never do anything at weekends.

I think he would like a wife who stayed at home, to be frank, but as I earn considerably more than him, this is never going to happen. We had a HUGE row the other week, where he called me a "fucking lazy bitch - you are absolutely fucking bone idle." He went on to say that the house was always a tip, it's filthy, the kids and I seem to like living "like pigs in shit" but he doesn't, yada, yada, yada. He is (apparently) "the only one who does any cleaning around here." He washes the floors once a week (if we're lucky) and cleans the toilet (not the bathrooms, just the toilet) "because I don't do it properly."

I would like to employ a cleaner, but he refuses as he works from home and doesn't want anyone around when he is working. So I do all the shopping, washing, cooking, general tidying, push a hoover round, clean kitchen and bathrooms. My job is busy and stressful - I often don't get home till eight, and he has made no effort to cook dinner or even start preparing something. His excuse is always "I didn't know what you wanted to eat" or "there's nothing in the fridge." If he does do something, it is as if he should be awarded a medal for it - "Look! I've done X!", and like your DH, takes about 5 times as long to do a job (but this is because he does it "properly", of course).

He seems to resent the fact that I am more successful at work than he is, and goes out of his way to make life difficult - he arranged a business trip for a time when I had two important meetings - told me that someone else would have to do them (I chaired them - not that easy) or they would have to be rearranged (also impossible - the date was set 6 months in advance to ensure that everyone could attend).

I think he is also depressed and/or needs counselling. He refuses to discuss either.

Like your DH, he never does anything with the children, either. I am in bed with flu, and a temperature of 39 degrees at the moment, and he has very resentfully taken DD2 to a party (a 10 minute walk away).

He won't sort out doctor/dentist appointments for the children either, this is all my responsibility. He took DD1, once, to see the doctor, when her asthma was bad, but moaned non-stop about having to do so. He won't call up to make appointments "because I don't speak the language" (we are overseas) despite the fact that all of the medical personnel we deal with are either British or American.

And (I think this is the worst) - he also stopped paying any money into our joint account 18 months ago (which covers bills, mortgage etc) on the grounds that "we can manage perfectly well on your salary." Yes, we can, but that is not the point.

Surely the fact that he suggests spending his inheritance on himself, without consulting you or considering your DCs needs should demonstrate to him unequivocally that he is putting himself above others.

But you do both sound as though you're at the end of your tethers and stuck in a blaming mindset. I really think you need a break from this, Boffin. You deserve a lot more joy than this. Spend time with people who can lighten your life and your load for a while, so you can return a little bit refreshed and sort it out with him without feeling resentful. Nothing will get achieved if you are both on the defensive.

Fuck me Erps run for the hills........

So sorry he has reacted like this Boffin. In the end its not about what he does and does or what he thinks is fair. It is about whether you are unhappy and whether he is prepared to accept that your happiness is important to him.

My dds leave theor clothes on the bathroom floor. Dp asks me about them. I tell him if we pick them up they won't learn to do it themselves. He is in a dilemma because he can't blame me. Likewise if I ask him to help with something and he ignores me I ask the dds to help. Then he does it.

I tell him perhaps he should find someone who is happy to wipe up his tea drips and pick up his dirty socks. Its not good and like you I am at breaking point because the little things do matter.

Erps - he sounds horribly selfish, lazy, arrogant and entitled. Why are you with him?

Erps - that is unacceptable. He is taking the piss.

Not as bad but for all you who do everything; about 10 years ago (maybe a bit more) when the dc were about 8 and 5 and before I went back to work I got sick of DH leaving the house at 7.30 and coming home at 9ish asking for his dinner; moaning about the mess and x and y not being quite right. Then announcing on Saturday mornings that he was meeting a client before taking them to football or playing golf or had tickets for the test for Saturday and Sunday. So, one weekend I got up at 7ish and announced I was going up to town for the day to do some shopping and look at some galleries and I left him with a list along the lines of: ds football practice 10 - collect at 12, when he's sthere take dd to buy a party present and card and wrap and write. Collect DS and given them lunch then deliver dd to party at 2 and collect at 4.30. And could he please collect the dry cleaning and his shoes.

I actually had a really boring day - I did Harrods, Harvey Nicks, and then wandered up to St Christopher's Place via a few galleries which didn't have much on to interest me. Had lunch in the Richoux on my own and felt like going home but I stuck it out until gone 6pm.

I got home and announced I hope he now knew what my weekends were like. It never really changed much but it got the message across and he started consulting a bit more. Must add that it was all just before DS changed schools and his sporting tendencies were properly noticed and as soon as that happened DH committed himself totally to supporting the rugby and the cricket and got involved with managing teams at various clubs, etc.. and from then DS's stuff took precedence over his own.

Marriedinwhite do you feel as though he does his fair share because he does DSs sports activities? Does he wipe up the drips when he's made a cup of tea? If you are unhappy does he want to make it better or does he blame you for it?

Yes I do feel that overall he does his fair share. Yes he always cleans up after himself and is the tidiest person in this house. That doesn't alter the fact that he is out of the house for at least three hours more than me every day (he has the more demanding job) and I do more of the practical stuff but overall we contribute the same to the family.

Nowadays I don't feel the teenagers do their fair share . Lives move on and pressures change.

I don't think he's ever blamed me for anything I might have blamed him from time to time for stuff but can't remember anything more important that when he knocked out the broadband by pulling out the fridge to sweep under it and pushing it back so hard he broke the connection just behind it and of course it was me who had to get it sorted out and I stormed off to PC world and had it sorted in 45 minutes

Oh boff I'm so sad to read this is you (not that I wish it on anyone)

Are you able to ask your dds opinion? she may be able to give you a subjective view while being close enough to know true extent.

You are a strong capable woman
Do not let him make you think anything else
FWarrior

Erps, your DH makes my DH look like an angel. At least mine tries hard to support his family financially.

He did discuss the inheritance thing with me a bit - pay off some mortgage here (it is huge), buy out BIL from their shared cottage and do the cottage up a bit, early retirement, etc. The moving out out thing was a bit of an idle threat to test the water, really.

Boffin, I think the most telling thing you H said was the suggestion he live elsewhere during the week.

I think you REALLY need to look at that again.

What messages does that convey? Eg about money, about free time for him, about responsibility, about detachment?

Given that is a desire of his, to spend an inheritance on a pad for himself elsewhere, you havnt a hope of getting him to listen. It is just a more open example than the others of his detachment.

My H spent years doing sod all, putting his needs first, getting up lunchtime at weekend etc.

But here is the thing I really learned about myself: I thought that because I was assertive in life, had a good job and was prepared to argue back with him, there wasn't such a fundamental problem.

But there was. Which was that he thought he was more important than me, he didn't need to care about my views and feelings, and most critically, that it worked for him. Because in reality there were no consequences and he always won.

Your H wants to stay married but half move out. Damn right he wants the domestic support and emotional support you offer, when he feels he needs it. But all on his terms, and offering not much in return.

My H was also doing online sex, it turned out, but that is a side issue. The entitlement and other issues, ie the breeding ground for that final betrayal, were exactly the same.

Maybe not an idle threat. He may actually be telling you alot.

When I was with DD's dad the beginning of the end was when he did absolutely nothing for my 21st birthday, and went off to have Sunday lunch with his ex DW and other DD while I stayed at home with my DD, who was ill with an ear infection at the time.

He had banned me from organising a party or anything like that. However a bit later it was his older DD's 21st birthday and he basically hired Cliveden (a five star hotel) for her party. I realised that he didn't really give a stuff about me and made plans to move on (there was abuse as well, it's a long complicated story).

I have to say on Mother's Day when DH didn't bother getting up and then went off to a rehearsal all afternoon, I felt like I did on my 21st. It was the second time he did this - he has stayed in bed before on Mother's Day.

I did get a present - my third bottle of supermarket Neal's Yard lavender body lotion. I don't like lavender and I don't use body lotion so it all just sits there in the bathroom, but he hasn't noticed yet. (Sorry, I know that's petty but it's kind of symbolic about how little he knows about what makes me tick these days).

A very cruel threat, not "idle" at all

Boffy, my DH lost 2 people very close to him last year, in circumstances that were very tragic and close together (don't want to out myself by saying who/how)

My point is, he took a half day to feel sorry for himself, have a cry and then got on with the business of supporting other family members, me (I was there when one died), his own kids who had lost loved ones etc

At no point did he think this grief was any excuse to behave selfishly, was his alone to experience or gave him a green card to opt out of family life which of course goes on no matter what

When something like this happens, families should pull together to support each other, not allow one person to unilaterally be the person everyone has to treat differently

Your husband sounds horrible in many ways, and I believe the fact that he has lost loved ones and is "depressed" is a very small contributory factor in that and certainly not one that should make you think you need to tolerate it for a moment longer

Boffin, I'm sorry your DH is a lazy selfish person, you always seem so lovely and deserve much better. You're also clearly a very good person who still loves him despite his dreadful treatment of you, as my response to his 'suggestion' of living away most of the week would be 'Yes! But why don't we make it all week, every week? And get a divorce to make it official? There's the door. Bye!'

Erps, I wouldn't even bother with the divorce. KILL HIM.

With ex-DP basically he wanted shared care, but he ended up having me run ragged looking after DD all week on top of a f/t job, and then driving backwards and forwards to take her to Brownies near his house on Friday, drop her off at his on Saturday, then return to pick her up on a Sunday, a two hour round trip each time. Meanwhile I even had to bring food round to his for her, because he wouldn't really feed her properly. He was a great one for lying in bed for hours and hours as well.

On her 10th birthday she was supposed to be having a sleepover but he had an achey finger so went off to A and E and left all the kids alone in the house, again without food or anything. He was in A and E for hours and the first I knew was when DD phoned me up at around 10pm and said that they were alone and nobody had fed them. We managed to get someone to go around and we sent a pizza order, but it was really understandably really worrying.

I am worried that this is the standard of care my kids will start to get if I split up from current DH.

Thinking about it, there are parallels in the two relationships in that the better I did at work, the more they both lay in bed and told me how high maintenance I was.

If you lost a loved one, a parents or a sibling would he give you time to wallow. I bet not. I would put money (if I had any) on him expecting you to keep going because your family need you.

Well it's good you are noticing those parallels. There may be others.

It is a version also of him withdrawing and you pursuing. Don't play the game or, if you do, test it by withdrawing yourself.

I think the worst thing is that I have had all these children with him at great personal cost to my health, and he is holding that against me when I suggest he may need some bereavement counselling.

That's not normal, is it? For husbands to resent the fact you get PND or develop physical health problems whilst having their children?