Mil and dh issues -long and ranty

[growly]

NC, I need to vent this somewhere or it's going to come out at mil. I'm quite pg and probably not at my most rational but I'm so hugely irritated I feel tense and horrible all over. This will be long.

I cant stand my mil, she's pushy, only gives a shit about me when I'm pg, she stalks me on fb and comments (within seconds) on literally everything I post. If it isn't relevant to her at all she'll ask me to explain what I mean, you can't be at all vague in a "Having one if those days" kind of way, she demands to know why exactly, what's going on. And if I ever post about the kids doing something bad she comments in a tone that's like "haha the kids are giving you hell, good on them" 

I've tried blocking her but she rings up asking why she can't post on my wall etc. if I even so much as dare delete or edit/repost one of my own statuses that she has commented on she CALLS me to demand why. She has no life of her own, literally sits at home watching tv with her mobile in her hand waiting for it to buzz with fb updates. It's driving me crazy.

We have to go and visit her every month or so, and it's 3 or 4 days of sitting in her house watching telly (her choice, lovely child suitable things like murder investigation with lots of autopsy scenes which I have to ask directly for her to turn off, to much tutting) she stuffs the kids full of crap all day long so I feel like I always have to be the bad guy saying "do they really need cake on top of haribo and a cornetto and crisps?" -when they are tearing round like deranged sugar crazed banshees she says they're hungry and tries feeding them more, so again I have to be the bad guy who has to say no, and much of the time she ignores me and feeds them anyway. She has a bin bag of Easter eggs waiting for them, we are going to visit this weekend. I'm dreading it.

I get left to look after the kids while my dh swans off to his friends for the night, stays up til the early hours so he has to have lie ins til 11am every day thereafter. No-one is up til then some days, so I have four hours every morning of trying to keep bored kids quiet, while they fight and argue.

Then they get up so late they're on a completely different meal to us, she wants you to wait until she's cooked a massive tasteless roast dinner at about 2pm, then declares everyone else will have to clear up because she's cooked. I honestly don't mind pitching in but it's annoying that she uses every pot and pan in the house for an enormous christmas dinner style crap meal no-one enjoys or asks for, usually accompanied by the sound (and smell) of her shitting loudly in the downstairs loo as she finishes her food quickly and goes off religiously for a poo while we choke the food down pretending we cant hear. It's been exactly the same, every month for the last eight years which is why my patience has evaporated by now. She has also started defrosting the raw chicken on top of the clean plates on the dish rack, it just beggars belief.

She's a boaster, always showing off about stuff she has no control over or input into, like the snow or sport "ohhh we have so much more snow than yooou" (who cares?) "our team won, completely smashed your team, ha ha" (I don't watch sport at all, I have no team!) it gets on my nerves that she feels there's some big competition and she's winning all the time. I don't fucking care, I want to scream at her to get a life!

Dh thinks I'm being a massive bitch if I mildly mention any of his mothers behaviour or flaws, bearing in mind I never speak freely and say what I really think. He's hugely defensive of her and sees her as his proper family, he never seems to defend me or even try to support me when his mum is trying to feed them their second lot of cornettos in a day or whatever, even though he is the first one to monitor how many treats they have at home.

He defers all responsibility and authority to her when we go there, and if I ask him to do anything for the kids, change a nappy or whatever, he'll huff and puff about it and she leaps to do it, looking at me in an attitude of "I'll do it if you're too much of a lazy bitch" - I've tried explaining that it's not that I want somebody else to do it, but that they're his kids and he should pull his weight. I may as well be explaining myself to the dog, she doesn't get it. Why should he get to sit on his arse on the laptop while I skivvy round after his kids and helping his mum with her housework/laundry?

Apparently you shouldn't ask someone with testicles to do anything related to housework or child rearing. She likes to take the piss out of ds if he refuses to do something by saying he's being a girl - nice attitude you're passing on there, now we see why your son is such a lazy lump who quietly thinks everything is women's work.

Aargh this isn't helping, I'm just giving myself a headache!

Anyway, we were meant to go down to visit on the bank holiday but I said no, next weekend, mainly because I didn't want to be stuck in her house for four days missing all the Easter events the kids could go to. She was really annoyed and phoned up three times to ask if we definitely weren't coming (and several times within each phonecall too) dh says she's lonely, I say she's controlling.

She invites us down when she's dying of flu, got sickness and diarrhoea, whatever. Doesn't tell you so you can't cancel, and then we all get it. The kids and I still have bad chests from last time we were down, I've been really poorly, coughing so much I was nearly sick, throat so sore I couldn't drink, nearly dislocated my jaw from coughing/retching so violently last night. So no I'm not eager to go down there and see what fucking lurgy she's going to give us this time.

So I was quite pleased that at least it wouldn't be a long weekend at hers, and we had a fab easter, going out lovely places and got some important jobs done round the house. Then this morning Dh was asking me if he should get Monday off so we could spend another day at hers. My face fell. But he was quick to say it all depended on my "moodiness" so if I say no it's like saying "yes I am a moody unreasonable bitch"

I know he lives his mum but honestly, the kids and I are literally bored to tears in her house, I could cry right now at the thought of another four days there, the total waste of time. (We aren't allowed to go out anywhere or even leave the living room for a nap or whatever, it's all seen as being antisocial and she ignores me afterwards if I do. She refuses to go anywhere so we cant take her out either)

Why can't he see it? Why am I always the bad guy? Why does he always choose her side? He'd hate to spend 4 days in one of my family's houses doing fuck all! Never mind looking after our kids on his own while I sod off to a friends overnight and my (his) family sit there bragging about themselves, telling racist jokes and piling on the pressure to name the baby after themselves. yes I'm serious!

Bless you if you've got this far, sorry its so long but I can't talk to anyone in real life about it so it was either this or the Samaritans, and as I'm not actually suicidal I probably shouldn't waste their time! Just needed to get it out.

You need to put your foot down, its wholly unfair that your husband drags you and 2 bored kids and then fucks off out, it'll only get worse when you have the baby, 2 bored kids, a demanding newborn and one seriously pissed off, tired and stressed out mum, you DONT have to go, he can go alone and you can have peace with the kids.

Oh and btw, i think he only makes you go, because it makes it easier for him to leave "mummy dearest" if your there, if your not, then he cant go out for a piss up.

Louly he doesn't go out for a pissup, he goes and plays games with his friends, doesn't get back til 5am, then he's good for nothing til about 11am next morning. If he can't go he gets really annoyed about it. I used to complain but I've given up mentioning it by now! He's happier if he gets to go.

She sounds like some sort of Jeremy Kyle grotesque, and he is taking the piss. Does he REALLY think naice families are like this, or is he defensive because it would be too shaming to admit his family are pond life?

you need to read this thread back to yourself! cant you see what your role is in this mans life?

keep the kids happy, keep him happy, keep his mum happy... what about you hun?

why cant he go on his own? by the sounds of it he dont actually spend time with you his kids or his mum whilst visiting?!
doesnt matter if its a piss up or disappearing until 5am its still wrong and inconsiderate.

its not the mil you got the issue with, its the way your dh thinks of you which is horrendous if imo. if you said you aint going what could he do? stamp his feet? LET HIM.

i understand you just want to get all this crap off your chest and talk to someone. it might be helping but you'll be writting the same thread (with an extra child to look after) in no time. i hope you find your voice and put him straight!

Ooh I wouldn't say pond life, I don't get on with her but she's not that bad, not scummy. Just bloody pushy, selfish even.

I seriously would not be going. And I'd put the blame squarely on your dh. The fact he pisses of straight away to his mates then is useless the next day.

How old are your kids? Explain that there is nothing for them to do, they get bored and that they will grow up resenting their grandmother not looking forward to the vista cos there's nothing for them to do.

He wants to go see mummy, let him go, by himself.

Doesnt matter if its a piss up or not, he is still massively taking the almighty piss out of you, effectively, dumping you and the kids at his mothers and leaving, you can be at home and he go on his own, you have 2 choices:

1. Shut up and get on with it.
2. Speak up and put your foot down.

Which one do you think gets you more of a fair result? yes its number 2.

Can you really not see that your DH doesn't actually care about seeing his mother ?

All he wants is an excuse to pull all-nighters with his mates. He isn't bothered about you and the children while you're there - he just wants cover so that he can go out without getting grief.

If the dog is unsafe around children, you shouldn't be taking them anyway - you certainly won't be able to put yourself and newborn between dog and older DC.

I know you only came on for a rant, but you are allowed to tell both DH and MiL that you're not willing to do this anymore.

Inertia sounds exactly to have it right. He goes to see his mates (playing games all night? Like a university student/teenager - he has responsibilities and should be with you helping with DCs!)

Oxfordbags has as always summarised it well.

I have my own fair share of IL issues but nowhere near the extent you are talking about. I don?t know how you have survived 8 years of this! I?m inclined to agree with a lot of the comments here and to just not go BUT I think this would cause a bigger divide.

On the whole do you have a good relationship with your DH when his mum isn?t involved? It seems to me like a bit of a Jekyll and Hyde situation to me and that maybe your DH is fine with you, e.g. being the first one to stop the kids ?bad? food at home but when with his mum he won?t be the one to pass comment. I think that he has grown up with his mum ruling the roost and it?s all he knows, he therefore doesn?t see a problem with any of it and is unlikely to if you make a stand or put your foot down.

In your shoes I think I would at least try doing the complete opposite to what you?re doing at the moment. Go and have a fantastic time! As someone else said, be loud with the kids from 8am, I would also suggest making Sunday lunch ready for when they wake from their extended lay in, at least have it underway and say that you felt that MIL has already done so much for you it?s your way of saying thank you.

If she demands you don?t leave the living room ignore her, but smile and say ?oh I?ll be back in a moment? but take your time. If you want a nap, have one, ignore any snide comments and keep smiling, you must not notice her comments or rise to them, keep being lovely and happy, you don?t have a problem with her. I?m not suggesting you believe this stuff but I think they are used to you being the bad guy (when you are not) and if you give them no reason to pin you as the bad guy then what?s she going to do? The point is, if you?re sweet and lovely about going for a nap, won?t she eventually come across as unreasonable to your DH? He has put his defensives up because in his eyes you?re attacking his mum so I actually think that if you want to get him onside then you need to get those defences down first. It might take a while for him to believe it but eventually won?t he see that she?s being unreasonable?

Re the naughty food for the kids, I wouldn?t normally advocate this but perhaps for one weekend let her feed them up and be really laid back with them and in fact be as laid back as DH. I think this will begin to bug him and if he says anything just say you?re fed up of being the boring one/party pooper and that he was right it?s time to enjoy yourself whilst there ? so you are.

I think this will take more than one trip though. I do really feel for you. Where does she live, could someone from MN come and save you whilst you?re there?!!

Imho, I believe pregnancy hormones gives a lady the the insight to see what the truth of the reality of her situation really is. We've been conditioned to believe that "raging hormones" are making us mad frogs and we can not trust our own brain. But that is another form of brainwashing by the men, or actually, anyone who won't buck up to the truth.

I am thinking of you growly. I have let my dh take the dc on his own at least every third trip (500 miles one way) as I am lower than the dogs, resident aliens, and squirrles that raid the bird feeders on their pecking order.

What about skype?