Mil and dh issues -long and ranty

[growly]

NC, I need to vent this somewhere or it's going to come out at mil. I'm quite pg and probably not at my most rational but I'm so hugely irritated I feel tense and horrible all over. This will be long.

I cant stand my mil, she's pushy, only gives a shit about me when I'm pg, she stalks me on fb and comments (within seconds) on literally everything I post. If it isn't relevant to her at all she'll ask me to explain what I mean, you can't be at all vague in a "Having one if those days" kind of way, she demands to know why exactly, what's going on. And if I ever post about the kids doing something bad she comments in a tone that's like "haha the kids are giving you hell, good on them" 

I've tried blocking her but she rings up asking why she can't post on my wall etc. if I even so much as dare delete or edit/repost one of my own statuses that she has commented on she CALLS me to demand why. She has no life of her own, literally sits at home watching tv with her mobile in her hand waiting for it to buzz with fb updates. It's driving me crazy.

We have to go and visit her every month or so, and it's 3 or 4 days of sitting in her house watching telly (her choice, lovely child suitable things like murder investigation with lots of autopsy scenes which I have to ask directly for her to turn off, to much tutting) she stuffs the kids full of crap all day long so I feel like I always have to be the bad guy saying "do they really need cake on top of haribo and a cornetto and crisps?" -when they are tearing round like deranged sugar crazed banshees she says they're hungry and tries feeding them more, so again I have to be the bad guy who has to say no, and much of the time she ignores me and feeds them anyway. She has a bin bag of Easter eggs waiting for them, we are going to visit this weekend. I'm dreading it.

I get left to look after the kids while my dh swans off to his friends for the night, stays up til the early hours so he has to have lie ins til 11am every day thereafter. No-one is up til then some days, so I have four hours every morning of trying to keep bored kids quiet, while they fight and argue.

Then they get up so late they're on a completely different meal to us, she wants you to wait until she's cooked a massive tasteless roast dinner at about 2pm, then declares everyone else will have to clear up because she's cooked. I honestly don't mind pitching in but it's annoying that she uses every pot and pan in the house for an enormous christmas dinner style crap meal no-one enjoys or asks for, usually accompanied by the sound (and smell) of her shitting loudly in the downstairs loo as she finishes her food quickly and goes off religiously for a poo while we choke the food down pretending we cant hear. It's been exactly the same, every month for the last eight years which is why my patience has evaporated by now. She has also started defrosting the raw chicken on top of the clean plates on the dish rack, it just beggars belief.

She's a boaster, always showing off about stuff she has no control over or input into, like the snow or sport "ohhh we have so much more snow than yooou" (who cares?) "our team won, completely smashed your team, ha ha" (I don't watch sport at all, I have no team!) it gets on my nerves that she feels there's some big competition and she's winning all the time. I don't fucking care, I want to scream at her to get a life!

Dh thinks I'm being a massive bitch if I mildly mention any of his mothers behaviour or flaws, bearing in mind I never speak freely and say what I really think. He's hugely defensive of her and sees her as his proper family, he never seems to defend me or even try to support me when his mum is trying to feed them their second lot of cornettos in a day or whatever, even though he is the first one to monitor how many treats they have at home.

He defers all responsibility and authority to her when we go there, and if I ask him to do anything for the kids, change a nappy or whatever, he'll huff and puff about it and she leaps to do it, looking at me in an attitude of "I'll do it if you're too much of a lazy bitch" - I've tried explaining that it's not that I want somebody else to do it, but that they're his kids and he should pull his weight. I may as well be explaining myself to the dog, she doesn't get it. Why should he get to sit on his arse on the laptop while I skivvy round after his kids and helping his mum with her housework/laundry?

Apparently you shouldn't ask someone with testicles to do anything related to housework or child rearing. She likes to take the piss out of ds if he refuses to do something by saying he's being a girl - nice attitude you're passing on there, now we see why your son is such a lazy lump who quietly thinks everything is women's work.

Aargh this isn't helping, I'm just giving myself a headache!

Anyway, we were meant to go down to visit on the bank holiday but I said no, next weekend, mainly because I didn't want to be stuck in her house for four days missing all the Easter events the kids could go to. She was really annoyed and phoned up three times to ask if we definitely weren't coming (and several times within each phonecall too) dh says she's lonely, I say she's controlling.

She invites us down when she's dying of flu, got sickness and diarrhoea, whatever. Doesn't tell you so you can't cancel, and then we all get it. The kids and I still have bad chests from last time we were down, I've been really poorly, coughing so much I was nearly sick, throat so sore I couldn't drink, nearly dislocated my jaw from coughing/retching so violently last night. So no I'm not eager to go down there and see what fucking lurgy she's going to give us this time.

So I was quite pleased that at least it wouldn't be a long weekend at hers, and we had a fab easter, going out lovely places and got some important jobs done round the house. Then this morning Dh was asking me if he should get Monday off so we could spend another day at hers. My face fell. But he was quick to say it all depended on my "moodiness" so if I say no it's like saying "yes I am a moody unreasonable bitch"

I know he lives his mum but honestly, the kids and I are literally bored to tears in her house, I could cry right now at the thought of another four days there, the total waste of time. (We aren't allowed to go out anywhere or even leave the living room for a nap or whatever, it's all seen as being antisocial and she ignores me afterwards if I do. She refuses to go anywhere so we cant take her out either)

Why can't he see it? Why am I always the bad guy? Why does he always choose her side? He'd hate to spend 4 days in one of my family's houses doing fuck all! Never mind looking after our kids on his own while I sod off to a friends overnight and my (his) family sit there bragging about themselves, telling racist jokes and piling on the pressure to name the baby after themselves. yes I'm serious!

Bless you if you've got this far, sorry its so long but I can't talk to anyone in real life about it so it was either this or the Samaritans, and as I'm not actually suicidal I probably shouldn't waste their time! Just needed to get it out.

Xposted with your last post. You're just going to have to stand up to DH and her.
Tell DH he can visit but the reasons you and the children aren't. Tough shit if he doesn't like it.

I second what everyone else is saying - just dont go! You're a grown woman, no one can make you.

If your dh chooses to take the kids to his mum's without you, do you really think he would put them in danger re the dogs? Then why are you choosing to have more children with him?

As for Facebook, if you really can't face getting rid if it, just stop putting silly updates on it. Does anyone enjoy reading 'one of those days' type comments anyway?

I don't mean to sound harsh, but really - take control!

OP this sounds horrendous. I know you said in your post that you just needed to vent, but how can you possibly continue to deal with this issue every single month?

She has arthritis so although she can walk around her own house (and managed to push my babies around in her pram that she bought, to show off to her neighbours) she can't walk anywhere outside, uses a wheelchair in the supermarket which is the only place she goes, when somebody takes her. I do have sympathy for her arthritis (I've bought her heated pads for it in the past, not that you get a thank you) but she never went anywhere before it either. We offer to take her out in her wheelchair and she says no, she just wants everything to come to her. So no chance of her meeting us halfway, and anyway it wouldn't be good enough for dh who wants to see all his family and friends every time.

Look, she's your DHs MUM. He loves her every bit as much as your children love you, regardless of her faults and regardless of how much YOU dislike her - can you get your head around that? I expect (and would sincerely hope) that your DC love their gran too.

If you can't cope with being in her house for such long periods of time (and 4 days a month at one stretch is too much) you will really have to tell your DH that either he pulls his finger out or he takes the children to stay without you, or else you just visit for the day. It's completely out of order for him to swan off with friends in the evening and then lie in bed all morning.

And please please earn to drive, for your own sake. You sound so utterly TRAPPED and miserable when you talk about visiting your MIL. You need to be able to get out with the kids, and go for outings. Taking MIL out of her house and doing stuff together might be a much nicer way to spend time with her than mouldering away in from of the telly.

She sounds rude and incredibly hard to be with and so does your H to be honest.

He indulges her, defends her, abandons you to socialise with his friends and belittles you when you're ill or just don't want to visit.

Don't visit and let him go alone, stand up for yourself this time.

Do you want to carry on like this for the foreseeable future?

The dog issue just isn't taken seriously by anyone but me, they keep boasting about how the dog is different now he's older, then the next minute one of the kids walks near her chair and he's up on her knee baring his teeth. I go mental and banish the dog to the kitchen but if I'm not there to do that they will get bitten. I know it. Dh cares but at the same time he has his nose in his phone/laptop all the time we're there so he can't be trusted to watch the dog. Perhaps he's complacent because I'm always there on alert. It's really stressful.

We can't just not go. I can't keep his whole side of the family away from each other/the kids, I really would be a bitch if I did that, and I'd cause a lot of unhappiness. It's just shit that their happiness is at the expense of my own every time.

I realise she's his mum and he loves her. That's the reason I've put myself through this every few weeks for the last 8 years.

I do want to learn to drive, we were seriously poor, struggling to find food money every month. We aren't any more, as of the last month. I will be learning to drive, but thanks to the snow and the shitty chest infection I've had for the last month I haven't been up to it yet!

I agree that taking mil out would be much nicer than sitting in her house bored. We do ask every time but unless its food shopping she says no. Really exciting for the kids to do with their grandmother, obviously...

you poor thing. this situation sounds awful. i would put my foot down and totally refuse to visit her house again. let dh take the kids down on his own and when he has to look after them on his own and she has to keep them occupied in the lounge for 4 days then they may be less keen. organise days out and offer her to come along with you. she wont go. its totally unreasonable. you will never get your voice heard by carrying on as you are. just simply refuse to go to hers again. and change your fb account. she sounds very sad and lonely and maybe this awful pushy front is her way of covering up this dreadful feeling of uselessness she has. shes made her bed, let her lie in it. meanwhile you do what you want to do without actually being confrontational cos you know you will never win with your dh and mil. so say nothing, refuse to visit hers but let the children go and ignore her calls and fb. and i thought my mil was bad.

I sympathise, and don't know how the hell you've put up with it so long. I couldn't stay in my OWN house for 4 days with 2 under 5's, let alone another person's house where the toys, tv, food, mealtimes, bedtimes, activities are not in my control! Other people's houses just are not prepared for my kids being in them for that length of time!

I do think that some of the things that bug you aren't necessarily her "fault" like making a roast dinner you don't enjoy (she probably thinks she's doing you all a huge favour) and the - er, ablutions following the meal.

These are your kids, and she is teaching them that she will undermine you at every opportunity. The old "if mum says no ask Grandma" to the nth degree.
Whenever we go anywhere, I impress upon my kids that no matter WHERE we are, my rules prevail AT. ALL. TIMES. Perhaps you could terrify teach your kids to defer back to you before accepting any treats or changes to routine?

What about blocking her and every mutual friend off your fb, telling her you deleted your profile. Then when she kicks off, say ok, you win, I will go back on FB just for you. And make a new profile just for her and that side of the family. Add the odd pic/statement once a fortnight?

Good luck. And remember that life is too short to spend with people who do nothing to improve your life.
She is your DH's problem, not yours. Your kids will grow so quickly, it seems a shocking waste of their best years sitting in her house having to be silent for nearly TWO MONTHS PER YEAR.

Do what is right for THEM.

If your DH does not take the dog situation seriously, have a look at this. Small dogs can inflict awful damage, even if they are not big enough to actually kill.

Go for the day twice a month. Do you expect DH to hang around in your parents' house whilst you go out and see all your friends and the rest of your family? I thought not.

I really can't let the kids go without me, the dog will bite them.

On a computer, open facebook, click in your status box and select 'friends' then go down the dropdown menu to 'custom' and put mil's name into the 'don't share this with' field. Then save that as your default. All your updates will then just not appear to her and she won't know you've posted them :)

Won't save most of your problems but will get her off your fb.

It's 3 hours in the car each way, not sure we could go for the day. Plus trust me on this, if we went down there "for the day" dh and mil would spend the whole time pressuring me to just cave and drag the whole weekend, and exchanging looks (they see me as this nasty antisocial moody weirdo, she probably thinks I'm already stopping him from seeing her. Yeah, that's why I'm always the one who does all the packing, that's why I'm the one who always has to buy his family's birthday cards/presents, why I buy flowers and chocs off the kids when we go down there which she never thanks any of us for)

I do see what you're saying, unfortunately not all the advice given is directly doable.

God I really feel feel for you, it sounds horrible. And you understand that it's DH's Mum and he loves her,but that doesn't make it any easier for you - it sounds utterly suffocating and I would have exploded a long time ago. She sounds a controlling, unpleasant woman and your DH should be more sensitive towards your feelings - and the DC's. I find my MIL controlling and hard work, but over the years we've kind of got a grudging understanding of each other. But then I could NEVER spend 4 days a month there! That in itself is totally out of order, and unfair on the DC being dragged off that frequently. I agree with the other posters - you have to do something about it now, or it will never change. 2 nights a month maximum, initially. Then down to 1. She is bldy lucky you go there at all. Get your DH to see how unhappy you are.

Badguider, thank you! I'll get on that straight away. I'll have to do it for all her family though, even the ones I do like, as they'll compare notes.

200 miles round trip is a lot of petrol if you are watching your pennies.

I'm with the others who say you need to learn to be assertive and say No - unless you set some boundaries now, things will only get worse.

You need to say to your dh that you are not happy going to your MIL's place so frequently and here is why. In simple, unemotional language. "I am concerned about our dcs' safety around the dog." "I don't mind them having the odd treat but 4 days every month of stuffing their faces is too much" etc.

And if you do go, don't be trying to entertain the kids and keep them quiet in the morning. Let them get up and do their own thing

You also need to allow your dh to be a parent - always taking the responsibility for your children's safety means that he can abdicate responsibility.

....oh, and stop doing the nice things for her on your dh's/your children's behalf. If he wants to do it, then let him.

Block as many as you like, but if a mutual friend posts on a status or photo and she sees it and asks why she didn't see it when you first posted.. just say vaguely 'oh you must have missed it, or facebooks being odd, you know how it is'..

[devious? moi? no...]

Pretty bird it's 120 miles each way, it was a lot of money, not an issue now but it really was up until a month ago. Dh would always plan visits after payday so he would definitely get to go, then at the end of the month we'd really struggle. His priorities are all fucked up, it really annoys me. I know he misses her, but I think he's piling the pressure on now to see her more than ever because he's scared she'll die soon so he wants her to see the kids as much as possible.

Which is all very well except that when we go down there she can barely tear herself away from the tv to speak to them.

Pretty bird, it's pretty terrifying to just stop watching the dog around the kids to make him pull his socks up. Half the time he's asleep on the sofa, how could I trust him? I hate the fucking dog, it's caused me so much stress over the last five years.

Then you need to say to him (and yes, it'll be tough) that, "I don't trust you to look after the safety of our children". He needs to know you don't trust him and why.

And yes, that is a horrible thing to say to your dh - but it is the truth. And if your marriage is to succeed and grow, then you need it to be based on the truth - and trust.

When I read threads like this, I am always reminded of other threads where someone is mistily wibbling about "other cultures" and their "supportive networks of women" etc. OP - just imagine - in some cultures, you would have been made to LIVE with her. You would be her assistant, servant and skivvy while your DH swans about at work and with his friends.
I don't know if that is helping or making it worse.
Reading your OP gave me a headache! I feel for you. you need to get DH to see your point of view, or LTB