Mil and dh issues -long and ranty

[growly]

NC, I need to vent this somewhere or it's going to come out at mil. I'm quite pg and probably not at my most rational but I'm so hugely irritated I feel tense and horrible all over. This will be long.

I cant stand my mil, she's pushy, only gives a shit about me when I'm pg, she stalks me on fb and comments (within seconds) on literally everything I post. If it isn't relevant to her at all she'll ask me to explain what I mean, you can't be at all vague in a "Having one if those days" kind of way, she demands to know why exactly, what's going on. And if I ever post about the kids doing something bad she comments in a tone that's like "haha the kids are giving you hell, good on them" 

I've tried blocking her but she rings up asking why she can't post on my wall etc. if I even so much as dare delete or edit/repost one of my own statuses that she has commented on she CALLS me to demand why. She has no life of her own, literally sits at home watching tv with her mobile in her hand waiting for it to buzz with fb updates. It's driving me crazy.

We have to go and visit her every month or so, and it's 3 or 4 days of sitting in her house watching telly (her choice, lovely child suitable things like murder investigation with lots of autopsy scenes which I have to ask directly for her to turn off, to much tutting) she stuffs the kids full of crap all day long so I feel like I always have to be the bad guy saying "do they really need cake on top of haribo and a cornetto and crisps?" -when they are tearing round like deranged sugar crazed banshees she says they're hungry and tries feeding them more, so again I have to be the bad guy who has to say no, and much of the time she ignores me and feeds them anyway. She has a bin bag of Easter eggs waiting for them, we are going to visit this weekend. I'm dreading it.

I get left to look after the kids while my dh swans off to his friends for the night, stays up til the early hours so he has to have lie ins til 11am every day thereafter. No-one is up til then some days, so I have four hours every morning of trying to keep bored kids quiet, while they fight and argue.

Then they get up so late they're on a completely different meal to us, she wants you to wait until she's cooked a massive tasteless roast dinner at about 2pm, then declares everyone else will have to clear up because she's cooked. I honestly don't mind pitching in but it's annoying that she uses every pot and pan in the house for an enormous christmas dinner style crap meal no-one enjoys or asks for, usually accompanied by the sound (and smell) of her shitting loudly in the downstairs loo as she finishes her food quickly and goes off religiously for a poo while we choke the food down pretending we cant hear. It's been exactly the same, every month for the last eight years which is why my patience has evaporated by now. She has also started defrosting the raw chicken on top of the clean plates on the dish rack, it just beggars belief.

She's a boaster, always showing off about stuff she has no control over or input into, like the snow or sport "ohhh we have so much more snow than yooou" (who cares?) "our team won, completely smashed your team, ha ha" (I don't watch sport at all, I have no team!) it gets on my nerves that she feels there's some big competition and she's winning all the time. I don't fucking care, I want to scream at her to get a life!

Dh thinks I'm being a massive bitch if I mildly mention any of his mothers behaviour or flaws, bearing in mind I never speak freely and say what I really think. He's hugely defensive of her and sees her as his proper family, he never seems to defend me or even try to support me when his mum is trying to feed them their second lot of cornettos in a day or whatever, even though he is the first one to monitor how many treats they have at home.

He defers all responsibility and authority to her when we go there, and if I ask him to do anything for the kids, change a nappy or whatever, he'll huff and puff about it and she leaps to do it, looking at me in an attitude of "I'll do it if you're too much of a lazy bitch" - I've tried explaining that it's not that I want somebody else to do it, but that they're his kids and he should pull his weight. I may as well be explaining myself to the dog, she doesn't get it. Why should he get to sit on his arse on the laptop while I skivvy round after his kids and helping his mum with her housework/laundry?

Apparently you shouldn't ask someone with testicles to do anything related to housework or child rearing. She likes to take the piss out of ds if he refuses to do something by saying he's being a girl - nice attitude you're passing on there, now we see why your son is such a lazy lump who quietly thinks everything is women's work.

Aargh this isn't helping, I'm just giving myself a headache!

Anyway, we were meant to go down to visit on the bank holiday but I said no, next weekend, mainly because I didn't want to be stuck in her house for four days missing all the Easter events the kids could go to. She was really annoyed and phoned up three times to ask if we definitely weren't coming (and several times within each phonecall too) dh says she's lonely, I say she's controlling.

She invites us down when she's dying of flu, got sickness and diarrhoea, whatever. Doesn't tell you so you can't cancel, and then we all get it. The kids and I still have bad chests from last time we were down, I've been really poorly, coughing so much I was nearly sick, throat so sore I couldn't drink, nearly dislocated my jaw from coughing/retching so violently last night. So no I'm not eager to go down there and see what fucking lurgy she's going to give us this time.

So I was quite pleased that at least it wouldn't be a long weekend at hers, and we had a fab easter, going out lovely places and got some important jobs done round the house. Then this morning Dh was asking me if he should get Monday off so we could spend another day at hers. My face fell. But he was quick to say it all depended on my "moodiness" so if I say no it's like saying "yes I am a moody unreasonable bitch"

I know he lives his mum but honestly, the kids and I are literally bored to tears in her house, I could cry right now at the thought of another four days there, the total waste of time. (We aren't allowed to go out anywhere or even leave the living room for a nap or whatever, it's all seen as being antisocial and she ignores me afterwards if I do. She refuses to go anywhere so we cant take her out either)

Why can't he see it? Why am I always the bad guy? Why does he always choose her side? He'd hate to spend 4 days in one of my family's houses doing fuck all! Never mind looking after our kids on his own while I sod off to a friends overnight and my (his) family sit there bragging about themselves, telling racist jokes and piling on the pressure to name the baby after themselves. yes I'm serious!

Bless you if you've got this far, sorry its so long but I can't talk to anyone in real life about it so it was either this or the Samaritans, and as I'm not actually suicidal I probably shouldn't waste their time! Just needed to get it out.

I had 8yrs of this with my ex's family - mostly fil.

it never got better, i ended up depressed, stressed...same with fb i deleted him, then over the weeks, the bils, then friends of the family... in the end i deleted facebook!!! told ex ive had enough of him putting his drunken, rude arsewipe family before us. end of it.

he never visited mine and vise-versa. as with the kids i never let him take them as they would have been un supervised. they didnt even care they didnt see them!

he did the same re dragging us all there and leaving me to the kids ,whilst he gets merry with the family i mean one of us had to be sobber, im glad i dont drink!

any way hun, put your foot down, you DONT have to go any where and if he doesnt like it then tough, say go on your own or not at all.
as with fb block her, if she asks again just tell her i dont want you on my fb, simple and honest. if you get grief from the family (as i did) delete them too! i hate fb with a passion.

all the best in your situation and good luck with your one on the way.

You poor thing, this sounds a nightmare. Your main problem isn't you MIL though, it's your DH, he is being very unkind to you - is he always this selfish and unsupportive? It is totally unreasonable of him to behave in the way he is behaving and expect you to be virtually stalked on Facebook and imprisoned in you MIL's front room for 3-4 days a month while he amuses himself elsewhere.

OP, she sounds horrendous! But I think your actual problem is with your DH. He doesn't sound like catch of the century, from the outside.

He thinks that looking after his own kids or lifting a finger round the house is 'women's work', he doesn't pack or help with any of that, he makes you do all the preparation, all the presents and cards stuff, no doubt most of the communication, via Fb and other stuff, he doesn't support you, he takes his mother's side, he gangs up on you with her, you don'y get a choice about going to see his mother, whilst he is there, he does bugger all, mainly messing about on his laptop/phone or dozing, and he refuses to take her bitey dogs seriously, so much so that he can't be trusted to protect his own children from them... Sweetheart, he sounds truly awful.

I'm sure you excuse all of this shit away to yourself by blaming it all on his mother, either his upbringing making him behave shittily in X way, or that he only does crappy behaviour Y when he is in her home, but you need to wake up and accept that he is treating you badly, regardless of her.

The very fact that you can't insist that you all don't go, or you aren't allowed to have any say in the duration or content of the trip, or expect any support, is very troubling indeed. It is not the stuff of a healthy, happy, respectful relationship of equals. think you need to focus on HIM, not her.

Totally agree OxfordBags.

I actually think your MIL isnt being controlling, the facebook think - commenting etc - sounds like she is fairly lonely and she spends all day long on it, it is only natural she comments on yours - I would block her and tell her that you have deactivated your account - if you block her she wont see anything you post etc. Tell her you were sick of seeing people out having fun while you are feeling very preggy and hormonal or something.

the fact that they dont get up until later is entirely up to them. If your hungry get a piece of toast?

I agree with your DH tbh, I think its you with the issues - sorry

You don't have to delete your FaceAche account, or block her. Go to your friends list, find her, and change your settings of what she can see that you write to restricted, and your restricted settings so that she can't see anything you write, or photographs you post. She won't be able to see that you have done this, but it will look as if you are still 'friends'.

How about a compromise to start with... OK, DH you go every month. One month, you go and spend your time visiting relatives etc - spend 2 or 3 nights, no problem. Next month, I'll come with the children and we'll spend just one night, we will go out in the afternoon on the Saturday. On the Sunday we will go out in the morning - MiL is very welcome both times. We will be leaving at 3pm after lunch so that we get home in good time for the children.

Wow, sounds horrendous.

What would you like to happen with the mil and your DH? Ideally how often would you see them and how would the set up work, given her limitations?

maddy68 - do you honestly think that it's ok for a husband to expect a wife to do everything to do with looking after the kids and to "huff and puff" if he has to do anything? And you say she is the one with the attitude?

As the OP said, he wouldn't be prepared to do visit her family's house(s) in the same way, why should she be expected to visit her MIL on such a regular and prolonged basis?

And the petrol involved is about £40 ( not including depreciation) - would go some way towards paying for some driving lessons.

If your DC are 2 and 5, how the heck do you go for 3- 4 days each month? Do you go each and every bank holiday then? Because otherwise your 5 year old would be missing a heck of a lot of school!

It's very easy for us, on the outside, to say 'put your foot down', 'don't go', etc. And we're right, you should do all of those things. But clearly if it had been that easy you would have done that a long time ago.

You need some coping mechanisms and some way of reducing the visits, both in number and in length.

Coping mechanisms

• could you take some DVDs with you that you could watch there? Not necessarily child friendly -although some child friendly movies that have some amusing adult sub text is quite good such as UP, Despicable Me (I laughed all the way through that one!) etc.
• a craft or something that you could sit doing - cross stitch, knitting, embroidery, reading on a kindle (cross stitch requires a little more concentration and you could be a little more antisocial )
• some activities for the DC - not so easy for the 2 year old, but the 5 year old can do some school like work, drawing, letter practising. Some stories on CDs are good.

Reducing visits - Some activities for the DC - such as swimming, football, etc that you could book for a Saturday morning. If they are valuable enough then that would be a way of discouraging visits until AFTER the activity. A lot of them don't run on half term or term breaks so that could help in stopping visits until those weekends.

I REALLY think you should arrange to go out with him for one of the nights, even if only every second visit. He can moan and groan all he likes, but hold firm to this one. Firstly, it will give you a break, but secondly, it will stop him from having the excuse of sleeping in in the morning. Because BOTH of you are as tired as each other, he can suck it up, basically. Thirdly, HIS friends will start to see you as part of their social circle, which will go towards changing the dynamic.

If you do genuinely have to do this once a month then I would be enrolling your five-year-old in some saturday/sunday class that absolutely CAN'T be missed - swimming lessons, dancing, football etc. This would also make the one month dh goes/one month you all go compromise a bit easier to enforce. Fact is as the dcs get older they will have things they want to do at the weekends - activities, parties, sleepovers - so it will get easier to say no.

In the meantime however I do think you need to have a serious talk with your dh and make him understand that his attitude towards you and the dcs is eroding your relationship and if he doesn't get the balance right then he might find himself moving back in with his mum full-time.

fish and visitors stink after three days - its true

Seriously OP, grow a back bone and just say no, they are awful to you, start standing up for yourself and your kids, if your DH is unsupportive now, then it will never get better til you start laying down the law.

Sorry to sound harsh, but your moaning about going but doing nothing to be heard and stop going.

A simple "No" is all you need, your a grown woman, your allowed to say no when you want too.

OP, I'm wondering, seeing as you've come here for advice and everyone seems to be confirming that this situation is not normal and not one you have to put up with, are you actually going to do anything about it and make any changes? I hope so.

when i was in your position my friends got so fed up with me moaning they told me ive got 2 options

1. either shut up and put up ...or
2. do something about it!

was harsh at the time, i went for 2nd one! wish id done it years before.

Read all but not replies - seriously why do you have to go? Couldn't he just take them - or if you can't be away from kids then join them for half the visit. She sounds bonkers and I would have explodes with resentment at oh by now.

Blimey and I thought my mil was annoying! Sorry but you either have to put your foot down or carry on putting up with the crap, it's a decision only you can make. I can understand you don't want the confrontation or any unpleasantness involved, but if it's all making you feel so bad then it's worth it to change things.

Tell your DH how you feel, maybe reach some sort of compromise - only visit for 1 or 2 nights, & only go every 2 or 3 months. If he can't respect your feelings then tell him he can visit on his own. Put your foot down. I agree the kids are too young to go off with him while you stay at home, I wouldn't want to leave my kids with her! Who cares what her & your DH say about illness & "getting on with things"? Do you really care what she thinks? Tell them you don't feel well enough to visit while you're pg, & then when you have the baby say your priority is being in your own home with your new baby & being comfortable. Is he a mummy's boy?? Can't understand why he can't see your pov? She sounds a nightmare. On Facebook you can control who sees what, so you can still be "friends" with mil, but go to privacy settings & stop her from seeing you status updates or whatever xx

Sorry but OxfordBags has it bang on again!!!!
If he is made to be responsible for the kids safety, I think you might be amazed how he can step up when he has to.
Leave him to it! He's their father and should be able to look after and protect them.
What happened if 'god forbid' anything happened to you?? He would take them and have to take care of them!
Seriously!!! YOU NEED TO SAY NO
I think his reaction to this we confirm what oxford has said about your DH!!!!

You don't have to put up with this shit from either your MIL or your DH.

Your big problem is that your DH is totally unsupportive of you.

Have him read this. You have not said anything bad about him. Well, there is his laziness, avoidance tactics, and eye rolling, but it is all true.

I could not and would not do these trips.

In ex in laws house this was the pecking order.

FIL
Ex H
Male partners/husbands of SIL's
MIL
SIL's
Grandchildren
Dog
DIL's

It was one of the many reasons I left him. Sounds like you have a similar set up going on there. Can't add to the good advice given but I certainly recognised a lot in your OP.

Are you my (until now unknown and non-existent) SIL?

Because I could have written so much of your post.

I agree that your problem is your DH, as has been said, but also a big part of the problem is...er, you OP. Sorry!

There's lots of great advice here about how you can change the situation (your mummy's boy H won't) so the only person who can/will is you, so I won't repeat that. But saying that you can't change any of it merely means that you are choosing, by default, to accept it.

In which case, by all means post here if ranting helps, I really don't know how you put with it, you are a better person than me!

Do you really think if you weren't there your DH would let the dog bite the children? Really? If the genuine answer is yes, then he doesn't sound fit to be a father! If you tell him you're not going, and give him the option to take the kids or not, I wouldn't be suprised if he chooses not to take the kids, and he clearly doesn't wish to parent them while he is on his jollies.

And yes, stop buying his family presents, organising things etc - if this is questioned, tell him to do it, if he doesn't and his M asks why, tell her. Your H is a massive problem here, but you aren't half enabling him.

Hi your mil does sound awful but tbh is sounds like you have let them all get away for it too long and unless you do something it's going to seem like your moaning as you should never have let it get to this.

Visiting for that long every month is ridiculous but allowing your dh to go out every month with his mates whilst you stay there is even worse... Who does that?! He's very cheeky to expect it but really you should never have let him do this! He's a married family man! Sound like he wants to visit more for the nights out? My brother lives 5 miles away and I only see him once every 2 months!

As for the lie ins etc... you need to row with dh about this if you have too. Thes no way he should be doing this especially in his mil house! Though to be fair, could you not arrange things for the mornings whilst they are in bed which would at least break the day up?

You are the kids mother and staying indoors for 4 days is really bad for everyone and will obviously make it seem worse.

Is it really four days though given your eldest must be at school? How does that work ?

If you called his bluff and said you weren't going, do you think he'd actually take the kids? I expect he'd end up going alone given he only goes out with mates and watches tv all day.

I think this has seriously gone too far and you need to just get it all out there.... One night is more than enough. We did a 100 miles (each way) journey for a day trip yesterday and it was no big deal so of one night is fine.

Thanks for all the messages, I did post here mainly to vent because I was feeling upset, but I do appreciate the advice. Obviously the very easiest of it is to adjust Facebook setting to stop her cyber stalking, which will honestly help my irritation levels day to day no end

I already screen my calls and don't answer unless I have to, unfortunately she usually calls straight after I've posted on Facebook when she knows I'm at the computer -sneaky sneaky. I do think she's lonely but she doesn't live alone and she has family near her who she is constantly in touch with, she isnt my mother so I really don't see it as my problem to fulfil her emotional needs. I get lonely too, I don't hassle people (I mumsnet!)

I will try to make changes, although I'm just not sending the kids down there without me, I know I should be able to trust dh with the dog but as I said he defers responsibility to her (its her dog, her house, whatever) and she thinks the dog is her baby, it sleeps in her bed, she feeds it from her plate, it sits on her lap - then two tiny invaders come in and threaten its food source or whatever. If she would keep the dog out of the way there wouldn't be an issue but as its her baby it has to be there in the middle of everything always.

I know I need to talk to dh about it all but it's just so difficult, he's so prickly about his family, so defensive (although he happily slags off my brother for his bad behaviour) I can't say anything, all he seems to hear is "rarara I hate your sainted lonely mother" - he's convinced that I'm so moody and weird. Admittedly things get my back up, especially when I'm pregnant, but it's all exacerbated by the lack of support from dh. Just a little bit of empathy would go a long way!

He's never been very supportive though, I guess I knew what I was getting into. I will have words with him though, he at least needs to know I feel and why. Whether it'll make any difference is another story!

He did book Monday off by the way. Ugh.

Oh to answer the school thing, I said in my original post 3-4 days each time. 4 days if it's a bank holiday/half term break, 3 if its a normal weekend. Dh finishes early on Fridays, we get the kids from school/preschool and drive straight down. I have to feed them on the way, we don't get there til 7pm ish and she usually sends us straight back out for fish n chips, which is great after a 3 hour journey. Dh usually goes to his mates straight away then leaving me alone with disgruntled mil and two wound up kids to get to bed

I just need to figure out what to say, I do love dh and we generally get along well, this mil issue apart!