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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Frenemy? Or friend?

20 replies

Jinger02 · 02/04/2013 12:39

Hi all,

To cut a long story short, my partner of 18months has an ex gf who has a lot of mutual friends and is also the sister of his brother's fiancé. So she will basically become his sister in law! So it's very difficult to avoid her. Now i've never gotten on particularly well with her despite my attempts to be civil. She also has a reputation for pursuing men in relationships and several of my partner's female friends/friends gfs don't like her at all, so it's not just me being a bit paranoid.

A few months ago, when my partner and I had a brief break to sort out differences she repeatedly texted him saying she still had feelings for him and missed him. As soon as he told her that he wanted to be with me, she buggered off to flirt with another friend. Which made me :/ but I let it go because I do trust him not to go back to her. But then I went on holidays overseas and the whole time I was gone she messaged him constantly. As soon as I'd see her though, she'd pointedly ignore me.

Now - days of our lives drama aside -after a catchup this Easter break, this girl has suddenly decided she wants to be friends, adding me on fb and commenting on all my statuses and messaging to "chat" and giving me her mobile so we can catch up! Considering she barely spoke to me when we first met and actively pursued my bf as soon as I'm not around I suppose her interest must be nefarious? Or she's being polite as her sister and I may potentially become sister in laws? I really don't know. I'm being polite back but I'm pretty baffled and don't know what to think. Thoughts?

OP posts:

Bunnylion · 02/04/2013 12:44

Creepy, I'd be polite but keep a very healthy distance from this woman.

You don't peruse a man, get rejected then buddy up to his gf. I expect she has ulterior motives.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 02/04/2013 12:44

Is everyone about 15yo here? Of course she's not a friend. Give her a wide berth online or otherwise.

Original poster

Jinger02 · 02/04/2013 12:50

Cogito: Not 15, early 20s but I suppose it does sound very teenagerish. It's just weird because I never had this kind of drama occur when I was in high school and it seems to be happening now and I can't really avoid her. She's at parties, family gatherings and undoubtedly his brothers wedding.

Bunny: Thank you for the advice :)

OP posts:

DIYapprentice · 02/04/2013 12:51

Why the heck did you accept her as a friend on facebook? Just because someone invites you there's no law that says you have to accept! Get her off. SHE doesn't get to decide the tone of your relationship, because there isn't one!

Loulybelle · 02/04/2013 12:56

Errrrrr.......back away and ignore. I could and wouldnt ever be friends with a person who was pursuing my fella, as soon as i was more than inch away from him.

Original poster

Jinger02 · 02/04/2013 12:57

Diy: Because my partner said if I didn't add her it would make things even more awkward and I didn't expect the sudden interest in me! Like I said, this girl is at most social gatherings involving him or his family - she's a family friend as well as an ex.

OP posts:

Loulybelle · 02/04/2013 12:59

She might be a family friend, but you dont have to be friends with her, and after the things she does, i think you have a right to say no to a friendship, she sounds as fake as press on nails.

Original poster

Jinger02 · 02/04/2013 13:01

Loulybelle: Thank you, I really appreciate your thoughts.

OP posts:

ThingummyBob · 02/04/2013 13:04

Keep your friends close and your enemies closer OP

I'd accept her offer of friendship and then work out my tactics as I went along and keep a close eye...

LemonBreeland · 02/04/2013 13:07

If you need to keep her on FB, change her friendship status so she only sees limited things that you put on there.

She is probably trying to get to knoe more about you and find out when you might be not getting on with your DP so she can move in on him. She sounds bloody awful.

Original poster

Jinger02 · 02/04/2013 13:07

Thingummybob: Hahaha oh I really don't care to be friends although we were civil and managed a brief chat to each other at Easter. I've decided to filter any fb posts so she can't see them for the meantime.

OP posts:

OhLori · 02/04/2013 13:09

Frenemy. Smile (how well can you fake it . However, always remember to keep your distance (these people know how to inveigle themselves). And keep her as much at arm's length as possible (only given your worlds are somewhat socially connected).

Original poster

Jinger02 · 02/04/2013 13:10

Lemonbreeland: Thanks! That's exactly what I've been thinking, I was just hoping it wouldn't be so...bad. Ugh.

OP posts:

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 02/04/2013 13:29

The awkwardness has been created solely by her behavior. Let her own it.

I would think it would be better to create your boundaries now instead of later.

But if you think waiting and catching her, in a photographic way, in a "friendly family" embrace with your dh and posting it on fb with "cute" captions of "look at husband's brother's sister-in-law desperately making a play for my dh-isn't that soooo funny?" for all the world to see...then maybe she might back off on her own. But, to me, that would be mean and you'd be called out as a bigger bitch than if you simply blocked her now.

Are you sure your dh is 100% off her? I mean, my gut feeling about this is that if he truly were, he'd say the decision to block her or not would be up to you and not encourage friendship with her under any circumstances. Of course, maybe the brothers see her as a bit of fluffy entertainment...I kind of feel sorry for her (but not that sorry) .

Original poster

Jinger02 · 02/04/2013 13:41

And the band played on: Well hes not my DH. And to be honest I could never bring myself to start drama like that! God knows she has enough of it herself. She currently lives with another ex bf of hers and posted a photo of her hugging him as her cover photo and then played dumb when this mans gf went ballistic and says she can't understand why the gf hates her? She's very, very strange.

To be perfectly honest, I suspect enjoys the attention a little. (he's 21 and I'm his first real relationship). They only dated for a couple of months though, so I don't feel she is an actual threat. I think the way he sees it is that he doesn't want drama between us because her sister/her family are such a big part of his life. He does try to avoid her as much as he can and thinks she acts quite manipulative at times. But they all live in a small farming town (I'm from a major city and am that "city person") and the whole place is a bit incestuous. Everyone's dated everyone, everyone is distantly related. That sort of thing.

OP posts:

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 02/04/2013 14:13

Sorry for my mistake, Jinger.

Are you in a long-distance relationship?

To be honest, I couldn't start drama either, but you wouldn't be starting it ...you would just be responding. Similar to the example you gave of her exbf room mate's gf responding to the attention seeking photo.

But at the end of the day, as others have said, don't trust her. Never, ever tell her anything personal or anything negative about anyone.

Original poster

Jinger02 · 02/04/2013 15:25

Thebandplays: Ah that's alright I didn't make it that clear! It's not technically long distance, my partner lives an hour away by car and we see each other 2-3x a week and talk on the phone every night. (I live in Aus so it's not a big deal to drive so far).

I guess I just can't be bothered starting anything with her. I want to focus my energy into the positive things in my relationship - I used to fight with my partner about her flirting quite a lot (especially after our break and the sudden announcement of her "feelings") until one day I woke up and was just ...over it.

But thank you for the advice! I will take it to heart. I know this sounds silly but I've been blessed with few but very good female friends - no fakers or enemies at all, so when I come across people like this I don't understand them? If she was a friend of a friend I'd just cut her straight off but damn social niceties make it hard.

OP posts:

SanctiMOMious · 02/04/2013 15:32

It's a pain that she's on your fb now but I guess it'll be a reminder not to ever post anything that anybody could ever use against you! in fact I operate like that ALL the time, that's my default. I never say anything bad about anybody, I never spill up my guts, I never run myself down, I never post drunk, I never post pictures of half naked firemen. You get the picture. But then I'm older than you are so it's easier if that makes sense.

You've had good advice here. Practise this skill - being polite enough and friendly enough that nobody could ever accuse you of being unfriendly or rude. But hold back. Never confide in this woman.

atosilis · 02/04/2013 15:48

I'm watching this with interest as my daughter is very upset and just split up from her partner. His ex will just not leave them alone. She rings him, texts him, puts things on his facebook - made him a birthday cake recently - etc etc.

Whenever my daughter brought it up and said she was getting upset she was told she was being silly, jealous and insecure. One of the final straws was ex asking daughter to give her a beauty treatment. Trying to be all pally. Daughter said 'Errrm, no thanks' and was told by partner that she was being mean and unfriendly! "Ex only wants to be friends with you".

HollaAtMeBaby · 02/04/2013 18:10

Definite frenemy - can you put her on super-limited profile on FB so she can't see any of your status updates or photos?

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