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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I don't know what's normal!

20 replies

virtuoso · 31/03/2013 22:06

I've been on here for years, never posted but shed plenty of tears for fellow mnrs.
I've been seeing someone for a few months and everything is great. But, he's been encouraging me to get some sexy lingerie. My normal stuff is pretty nice, he just seems to want stockings/suspenders etc. it's just not me. I've no idea what's normal these days as its been a long time since I've dated. But I'm close to telling him where to go cos I don't mind looking sexy but just feel stupid dressing up - surely they don't need us to dress up? And if they do isn't it a bit of a red flag?

OP posts:

BicBiro · 31/03/2013 22:12

how hard is he pushing for you to dress up?

Original poster

virtuoso · 31/03/2013 22:14

Not hugely pushy but I've never been with anyone who needs me to dress up.

OP posts:

BicBiro · 31/03/2013 22:17

well, I totally don't think you should be doing anything you don't want to. have you told him you don't want to? and is he still banging on about it?

tell him you like a man with a 12" knob and ask him to wear an extension. see how he likes that.

I think if your internal alarm bells are ringing you'd be wise to take stock. don't ignore them or you will tie yourself up in knots

EllaFitzgerald · 31/03/2013 22:19

Not abnormal, just not for everyone. Horses for courses and all that.

If you don't want to do it, then tell him it makes you feel uncomfortable and you'd like him to stop asking you. If he takes it badly or carries on asking, then that's your red flag.

JoyceDivision · 31/03/2013 22:25

well there's a huuge difference between dressing up and sexy undies... but obv if you don't feel comfy or you feel daft then thats going to totally kill the passion anyway!

Have you looked at stuff like Retro?
with less slinky knickers would this feel kess dressed up?

Original poster

virtuoso · 01/04/2013 00:02

Thanks girls. I have some babydoll outfits already. I suppose I just don't understand why he wants more and that no other boyfriend has asked. I'm in my mid 30's so thought I would have encountered this before now. But yes shopping at Anne summers is cancelled tomorrow. If he doesn't like what he sees without all that extra stuff he can forget it want a man who loves me. Not what I look like!!

OP posts:

garlicbrunch · 01/04/2013 01:46

want a man who loves me. Not what I look like!! Attagirl I was going to say what Bic said - your gut reaction is what counts. Fwiw, XH1 had what I'd call a fetish for 'sexy lingerie'. I think a preference like this is worth indulging now & again, of course. When it's all the bloody time ... I ended up feeling he may as well fuck the clothes, as he didn't pay much attention to who was in them!

pollypandemonium · 01/04/2013 01:53

Is it true that men are more visually aroused than women or is that just one of those porn industry myths? I think most women think it's mostly about how you feel in terms of touch/smell/sound and are happy with the lights off - or is that a myth constructed by women with a poor body image?

garlicbrunch · 01/04/2013 02:07

Very little research has been done on that, Polly - surprising when you think how often it's stated as fact! The research that has been properly done found women were just as visually aroused as men but thought they hadn't been ... which just goes to show how much of our sexuality is about conditioning.

Also, it seems to be true that the most important sex organ is the mind. I guess that if a young man or boy's first conscious sexual arousal was linked to images of women in standard 'sexy' attire, there's a strong chance he'd always have a predilection for that sort of get-up.

I don't know the theories on how an actual fetish develops, rather than a simple preference. Strong sexual inclinations tend to be formed before the age of 9 (!) ... but I'm going off track. Answer seems to be: It's not true, but it feels true if you believe it.

pollypandemonium · 01/04/2013 02:51

Garlic I have never thought about this but of course it's absurd to assume that women aren't as potentially visually aroused as men. In this context I was wondering whether he had an excuse or a decent reason at least, for wanting OP to dress up - that it would make things better for both of them.

But there is also a nasty undercurrent of control going on where someone dresses up for someone else - something slightly dehumanising - or at least depersonalising about it.

mathanxiety · 01/04/2013 03:30

If you don't like it, then no matter whether it's 'normal' or not, he shouldn't be pressing you to do it.

You don't have to justify yourself to anyone about not doing something he requests and I hope this thread wasn't to canvass opinion and try to persuade him that you are not abnormal because if that is the case you should not be having a relationship with this man.

Original poster

virtuoso · 01/04/2013 08:12

Thanks everyone. No I wasn't canvassing opinion for him. Prior to him I'd been in a relationship for 17 years so just had no idea if people dress up.
Very interesting to hear the theory behind male/female arousal. He has said for men it's very visual. I'm ok with occasional dressing up but I agree, not all the time.

OP posts:

HMG83 · 01/04/2013 13:02

I live wearing my sexy underwear, stockings and suspenders.

Makes me feel sexy, naughty and powerful all at once.

HMG83 · 01/04/2013 13:02

*love

chipmonkey · 01/04/2013 13:57

From having talked to other women, it is neither normal nor abnormal to dress up. It's a case of what you like. And if you don't like it, don't do it. And if he pressurises you or tries to imply that you are a prude/frigid, then run for the hills!

bestsonever · 01/04/2013 15:02

It's abnormal to apply pressure to someone to get them to do what you are fully aware they don't like, just because you like it. We all have personal boundaries, cross them at your peril. If he respects you and you lay down where yours are, he should quit mentioning it, it's not a vital part of things - if he sees it as important, then that's just too incompatible, and inflexible, move on.

BarredfromhavingStella · 01/04/2013 15:08

Not abnormal just not for everyone, I like sexy undies as does DH so luckily we're well matched-if you don't feel comfortable then tell him so & don't do it.

JoyceDivision · 01/04/2013 20:27

Is this sexy enough for him? here

mathanxiety · 02/04/2013 05:46

He has said for men it's very visual.

It sounds as if he has been pressing his point, and not in an honest way. He can only speak for himself, not for the rest of men. If this is what he needs then this is what he should say, and leave you the option of declining, with the two of you then deciding if this was or wasn't a dealbreaker.

If he has said 'men need X or Y' (or words to that effect) then he is pressuring you by leaving you with the idea that you really have no choice here -- if you want a man this is what you are going to have to do.

AnimatedDad · 02/04/2013 07:09

When im in love I try to find a way to enjoy things the other person likes - both in bed and out. There's usually a bit if me that can get to enjoy most things.

If I really can't it becomes a 'treat' for them in return for something I really want

I like a woman in sexy underwear as much as the next man (maybe more) but its as much because it makes her feel like a princess/seductress/slut/ whatever else she wants to feel like as it is about what I see

but It's phases like 'all the time' that imply he's getting more of his fun than you are of yours.

Dumping Ann Summers in favour of Agent Provocateur might make him think twice and put the financial breaks on his 'treats' while at the same time making you feel more special.

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