Tell me how you get through the bits where you don't like your partner.

[joanofarchitrave]

Any top tips?

It's been a hard few months. I'm losing my sense of humour about it. DH cant help being ill a lot and is currently working on a novel from home.I I can't help being seriously cheesed off. I'm out of the house 12 hours a day, we have one child who's at school all day, but it still seems to be impossible for dh to do very much around the house or keep an eye on ds's hygiene, or run errands. My faultline is that I love my job, I dont want to give it up or reduce my hours - and anyway, how would we live if I did? DH confessed to me a few weeks ago that he had a crush on a friend of mine. If only she were single and felt the same.

Until your last 2 sentences, I would have advised you to just hang on in there

But...

You would tolerate that ?

You would stay ?

tell him to fuck off to your friend, if she would have him (which if she has any sense at all, she would not)

Does he take you for a doormat ?

Well frankly I wouldn't like your partner either.

He sounds like he's freeloading on your energy and labour.

Is he being paid to write this novel?

If not, he needs to treat it as a hobby, not an occupation.

The fairest way to check whether the adults in the house are both doing their fair share of labour, is to compare how much leisure time each one has after having done money-earning, domestic work and child-care.

Oh yes the crush thing.

What is that about?

Is he trying to scare you into not complaining about his lazy freeloading ways? If you ask him to vacuum he'll fuck your friends?

Hmm.

What's good about him?

Actually, if he confessed the crush it could be a good thing (assuming he's not acted on it). You need to think about his motivation for telling you - is he looking for an out. Or is he worried about wnat's going on, and wanting to fix it together with you?

You both need to read Shirley Glass's Not Just Friends.

And also, if that improves communications between you, it's the time for you to open up about the domestic/housekeeping/childcare things at bother you. Not give him a 'to do' list, as that infantilised DH and will irritate you over time. More a list of issues to be tackled, to start a discussion of how you will do it together.

Oh the crush. Clearly it's bothering me more than I thought tbh. He was telling me as part of a heart to heart re how things are for us, and also as a reason why he is not going to take a voluntary job he was up for (she's on the committee). I felt nothing when he told me except a feeling of annoyance that there is yet another couple that I like that we can't socialise with - since I started working FT my social life has massively dwindled because there are so few people he can stand to spend time with.

He isn't a freeloader, but this illness is making him behave like one. I don't mind earning the cash; actually there is part of me that feels I have more legitimate say in the relationship because of it (and the nasty flipside of that is that it suggests I think he has less say because of it. Ouch.) But I don't feel he's pulling his weight. And I feel it shows that he really didn't understand what I was doing when I was at home and working part-time and all the stuff - the obvious stuff that I thought home parents just all did - that I had to do.

In what way is he not a freeloader then?

He sounds most awfully like one.

Also, isolating you from friends/ social life? So few people he can bear to spend time with?

This started unpromising and is beginning to go downhill.

I don't think it's going to be pretty

I see how this works, if a woman stays at home while her husband works that's fine, but if a man stays at home he's a freeloader, nice.

I'm not sure why other posters haven't picked up the fact your dh is ill. You needto ttalk to each other. Sounds like communication has dwindled. Would counselling help you both figure out some balance? 12 hours work, a child and an unwell partner is a tough balance to pull off for all of you.

Again. Staunch feminists making mn ridiculous. Get a grip.

Stop using mn as a place to push your agenda. Either listen and help or kindly stop typing.

have you read the rest of it, VP ?

I also see how this thread will go, actually

Cue: bunch of MRA twats rock up

Second cue: Op defends her H who is actually the male equivalent of Mother Theresa

Third: posters start a bunfight Feminists vs male appeasers

Fourth: Op disappears to let the bunfight rage on until everyone needs to go to bed

The End.

Jaded ? moi ? geddawaywithya.....

What is he ill with?

oops, forgot the personal attackers

hello there, cognitiveoverload...you took your fucking time

it's only 24 hours since your last bout of personal attacks, CO

you are slacking

Im not an MRA. You are completely deluded and have no place offering advice. He is ill. How about you find out morw about that before calling him a freeloader.

Get over yourself ef, difficult with a massive ego.

VP, as I'm sure you realise, it's not about men vs women. It's about whoever stays at home not only being at home but doing their fair share. Which clearly the OP's partner - who gives a shit whether that partner is male or female - what's clear is that the OP's partner is doing nothing at home, while the OP works 12 hours and is expected to do all the domestic work too.

So: not about a battle of the sexes but about having an honest, equal relationship.

If I was ill. How could I be expected to have an equal input to my partner who isn't ill? It's not always 50/50.

COCKLODGERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

(Oh...and I'm not surprised you don't like him. I would like kicking him out though. Who has enough cheek to tell their bloody OH that they have a crush and wish they could pursue it whilst living off you)

CO, I think you must be in an awful relationship, really I do

the depth of awful male behaviour you seem compelled to defend, repeatedly, is quite shocking

perhaps you could start a thread of your own, and get the support you so clearly are in need of ? < head tilt >

CO would you kindly stop telling other posters not to type because you don't like what they're typing? And telling other posters that they have no right to give advice because you don't agree with it? It's incontinent.

The OP hasn't said what sort of illness her DP has, she implies that he's physically able to pull his weight.

Do say if that's not the case OP,because of course if his illness has physically disabled him, that's a different matter.

(yes, he's ill. That's not pleasant for him...but it's no excuse. Plenty of people have temporary crushes on others whilst in relationships but don't tell their OH & don't act on it or vocally express their desire to do so)