Tell me how you get through the bits where you don't like your partner.

[joanofarchitrave]

Any top tips?

It's been a hard few months. I'm losing my sense of humour about it. DH cant help being ill a lot and is currently working on a novel from home.I I can't help being seriously cheesed off. I'm out of the house 12 hours a day, we have one child who's at school all day, but it still seems to be impossible for dh to do very much around the house or keep an eye on ds's hygiene, or run errands. My faultline is that I love my job, I dont want to give it up or reduce my hours - and anyway, how would we live if I did? DH confessed to me a few weeks ago that he had a crush on a friend of mine. If only she were single and felt the same.

The novel comment fb is just Ignorance at its best. Schizophrenia is sometimes connected with unusual creativity. That doesnt mean all his behaviour is under his conscious control.

CO, what is your issue exactly?

Sorry, but from what OP first presented it sounded shit. The context makes a massive difference.

Yes, it's different now...because we have listened!

Not sure why you feel the need to be so catty on such a serious part of MN.
Most people mean well. I bloody do, or I wouldn't bother posting.

Seriously, counselling will help you both.

Oh right, it is difficult when you express love very differently and that can take quite some getting used to. It doesn't always work out with opposite types for that reason I think (I think everyone's experienced a clash in approaches in at least one relationship by now).

Can you both compromise? Does he do things that you feel 'show love'?

^ do agree with the counselling idea

Stage 2 I think is me now defending him to everyone. Am I? I suppose the reason fb why it's a common dynamic in these threads is that it's quite helpful to feel you want to defend your partner when you're feeling pissed off with them - it does suddenly remind you of some of the good stuff. Frustrating for the other posters but it's useful nonetheless.

Is that me who lacks empathy CO? Really? I will take any criticism in the book except that one! I do have empathy because believe me I couldn't have stayed married for ten years, or do the job I do, without it.

Meaning well is one thing. Being judgemental is something else entirely. Maybe it should be acknowledged that can't give an accurate interpretation of a situation from one short post on mn and that you dont have the knowledge. So cut back on the flying generalisations. Just making the point. I see this so often...and its really not helpful. Mn should be a supportive place to be heard...not judged...in an ideal world. Save the judging for aibu.

Not you OP! I think you have it sussed. Just a difficult time. I was responding to the other posters, fb and ef in particular.

You need BUCKETS of empathy to handle someone with MH issues

(I should know, I have a history of depression that keeps coming back & biting me on the ass & one very patient & empathetic DM, poor bloody woman).

Well I changed my tune as soon as OP added more, & it's not like I didn't ask any questions

(you do seem to have judged tonnes of people on here for their posts and had a stab over them though, which is a little hypocritical. All this bun fighting distracts from the point of the thread & is just not what anyone needs in the evening)

The novel thing was actually a question CO. Since you're such an expert on schizo-affective disorder, I expect you can answer it fully.

But don't bother, you're obviously on a mission and I'd rather not engage with you, there's clearly some history here I'm unaware of.

So OP back to you. Does this illness of his have peaks and troughs? Is there medication he can take which makes him function better? Do you feel that he's given up trying to function in the face of it - is it the main problem, or is it an incidental extra difficulty apart from the main difficulty IYSWIM?

Is he receiving the right amount of support?

Does he feel that could be improved/altered?

berry, CO has a personal issue with me, it would seem

This is the second day running, I have been singled out by him/her and it would seem anyone with vaguely a similar approach will cop for it too

Counselling...not sure. DH wants to start some serious solo therapy; I would like him to as well, but I'm no longer going to get on the phone, ring therapists, talk to them, arrange appointments... I've done all this in the past and it always collapses. It's got to come from him.

Relationship counselling - yes, probably. What an awful thought. I generally feel that being open and honest is frequently a quick route to the divorce courts. I have stuff that dh has said to me in the past about our sex life that still pops into my head every time sex is on the cards, even though it was years ago. Now the crush does.

DH is on 3 different medications at the moment. I'm reasonably hopeful about this combination, but I've said that every few months for eight years or so. I personally feel he's better away from doctors as much as possible, but that's probably wrong too.

I feel really bad for you because however innocent, him telling you that is naturally going to play on your mind a little. You're only human. Try not to focus on it too much though and see it as a symptom maybe?

I know relationship counseling must seem daunting but it sounds like you would both benefit from it.

Ef, its not you for the last time. Can you appreciate I have a problem with the approach you and others take. I work in mental health, specifically neurological conditions and unfortunately the approach you take often does more harm than good. The reason it seems to be you I clash with is because you are the most prevalent and vocal.

Yes but you have voiced your problem with it quite a bit, not just on this post.

I did get where you were coming from, the first time you made your point. It seems more & more personal the more you bring it up. Maybe just bring it up when you feel some wildly inaccurate advice has been given in relation to an issue involving MH, as you have done up-thread, rather than take the mick/ tell other posters to get a grip?

Are you coping ok yourself OP?

You sound very weary of it, which is understandable. It's not an easy situation.

joan, how long has this unhappiness been going on? Is it a permanent low-level unhappiness, or is this a new thing, only a few months old? You sound exhausted and lacking in hope. You said in your OP that you've had a hard few months. It sounds from your last post like you've had a hard few years.

I think you need to work out if this is a temporary bad patch or just the normal tenor of your relationship.

I hope you get some varied answers that will help you work through your feelings . You sound incredibly unhappy.

CO, if you stop name checking me, I will stop taking it personally

you can get that, yeah ?

Is it worth talking to someone yourself OP?

Do you have a good support network around you? Anyone you can talk to frankly about it all & just offload a little?

Appreciate your comments TOK. Unfortunately I myself am not perfect andperhaps overreact to the strength of the overtly feminist agenda on some of these mn threads. Ironically, I am a feminist. Just think people should be open about their perspective and the way it influences their interpretation of posts.

Anyway, good luck OP. Its a tough situation but like you said...you've come this far and you obviously care for each other. Sometimes/ often life gets in the way and makesnrhings difficult. Talking and being open might help you find a way. If we don't have communication. ..we dont have much.

Am also a feminist. I place a lot of importance in there being lots of mutual respect, in whatever situation & like to think my beliefs don't cloud my judgement too much.

Hope you're ok today OP

I don't think that believing in gender equality is or should be a controversal agenda on MNet. I don't think that it adds anything to every relationship discussion for each poster who isn't a MRA to begin each comment: "I believe women are entitled to the same respect, happiness and consideration as men."

AF/EF's comments can basically be summed up as "hello, you sound unhappy. Your happiness actually matters. You can only change your actions not your Ps and therefore you cannot save a relationship single handedly. IME your P is unlikely to change their actions because they seem to be happy with the situation and from what you have said, are unwilling/unable to change. So you might want to LTB to achieve happiness" With a whole lot of experience and good sense thrown in.

I think its quite aggressive to instead of just posting your opinion on a subject, to actually try and shut down those who disagree with you by attacking their right to comment with their opinion. A "feminist" agenda is simply that women matter as much as men. If you think AF/EF has a different agenda than that (female supremacy/everyone being single or lesbian/whatever it is you are reading into her posts) then please realise that is not 'feminism', whatever the DailyMail has told you feminism is.

Back to the relationship at hand...

It's difficult when someone is ill. Especially when it isn't necessarily clear how much is a lack of capability and how much a lack of willingness. Some advice from his HCPs about his condition might be helpful to you.

You also need to think about what you are prepared to live with, whatever the cause of his behaviour. If the relationship is otherwise good and its the practical stuff that gets you down then you can look at ways of helping him realise your expectations if he is able to do some things, by working out as a household what tasks need doing and getting him to work out what things he can do reguarly and what things he can do when he's feeling more able.

How is he coming along with the novel? Does he manage to write to a level of quantity and quality that may make this a resonable way for him to spend his more productive hours, or should it be relagated from the level of a profession (in terms of hours devoted to it) to the level of a hobby/theraputic aid?