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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Tell me how you get through the bits where you don't like your partner.

76 replies

joanofarchitrave · 27/03/2013 21:02

Any top tips?

It's been a hard few months. I'm losing my sense of humour about it. DH cant help being ill a lot and is currently working on a novel from home.I I can't help being seriously cheesed off. I'm out of the house 12 hours a day, we have one child who's at school all day, but it still seems to be impossible for dh to do very much around the house or keep an eye on ds's hygiene, or run errands. My faultline is that I love my job, I dont want to give it up or reduce my hours - and anyway, how would we live if I did? DH confessed to me a few weeks ago that he had a crush on a friend of mine. If only she were single and felt the same.

OP posts:
CognitiveOverload · 27/03/2013 21:39

I took OP's last sentence to mean she wishes her friend was single and felt the same.

CognitiveOverload · 27/03/2013 21:40

Back tracking...yes good idea

CognitiveOverload · 27/03/2013 21:42

Ef, again putting your subjective experience on others. Doesn't work like that. Your intuition is biased, making it largely inaccurate.

TheOrchardKeeper · 27/03/2013 21:42

^ even if that is the case it's still not exactly great is it?

If a partner told me he had a crush I'd probably have to leave to save myself worrying about it & feeling like I wasn't good enough...and if the tables were turned I wouldn't say a word unless it meant something & I wanted to finish the relationship, as it's quite a big thing to declare Hmm

FucktidiaBollockberry · 27/03/2013 21:43

However, teh crush thing?

Can that be down to his illness?

Don't want to pry, but it's hard to know what to think without knowing something of what the symptoms of his illness are.

birdsnotbees · 27/03/2013 21:44

OP's last sentence clearly refers to what her DH said about fancying the friend. As in, "DH confessed to me a few weeks ago that he had a crush on a friend of mine; if only she were single and felt the same".

TheOrchardKeeper · 27/03/2013 21:44

Is his mental health intact & is it just physical?

Is it something that's changed him a lot personality/behavior wise?

Verbalpunchbag · 27/03/2013 21:45

If he's genuinely to ill to work that's not his fault and as the op said he's not a freeloader, not doing the housework is laziness, not freeloading.. Fancying someone else, be it your friend, a popster or whoever is normal, telling you he has a silly schoolboy crush is crass. Why don't you sit him down and tell him if he can't pull his weight you'll be forced to reduce your hours at work to pick up the slack and there will be severe financial consequences, it might just give him the push he needs.

CognitiveOverload · 27/03/2013 21:46

Of course it's not great but it doesn't automatically write him off as a freeloading cocklodger. In case you hadnt noticed... nothing is generally always 'great' but running is not always the right answer. Life. ..box of chocolates and all that

EggyFucker · 27/03/2013 21:46

CO, your subjectivity is equally as developed as mine is

unless you know something objective that I don't ?

CognitiveOverload · 27/03/2013 21:47

OP, please can you clarify your last sentence.

CognitiveOverload · 27/03/2013 21:48

Sure it is but I'm aware of my subjectivity.

VanitasVanitatum · 27/03/2013 21:49

Is your DH getting help? What is the prognosis for him? I would say if you both want your relationship to work, you may need to put up with doing more of the work while he gets better.

Have you told him how you feel, and that he is not contributing enough? Things like your ds's hygiene I'm sure he could help with, even if he isn't well, or something else that is maybe physically not hard?

Original poster
joanofarchitrave · 27/03/2013 21:50

I do think I have a male/female double standard, and I said so further up the thread - re the money = power thing, which in my right mind I don't believe at all. It means I have to be bloody careful to behave rationally and not let that irrational cat out of the bag. Hence trying to chew things over here rather than pop my cork at some unhelpful time. Worried about moaning talking to friends because he doesn't, so the world at large gets an unbalanced picture of him. I have some NHS counselling at the mo, but it's CBT and is very focused on scores and numbers. I don't know if moaning really helps though.

He's not a saint and he's not a freeloader, but i think the balance is off. He has schizoaffective disorder, which is no joke. Much of the time I admire him for what he has achieved in the face of 25 years of severe mental illness. It's just that things that I hope will help, don't - like I thought getting a dog would stop him being so isolated during the day, and he agreed - but he finds the dog irritating and it's me that's had to break the news to ds that we may not be able to keep him because your father can't be bothered (I still hope we can keep him, but ds is going to have to take on the afternoon walks, even though dh is at home all afternoon). And I worry that he doesn't really pay enough attention to ds or do anything with him - they do have good laughs together in front of the tv but they rarely leave the house together without me.

OP posts:
EggyFucker · 27/03/2013 21:50

So am I

FucktidiaBollockberry · 27/03/2013 21:52

Why would anyone tell their DP they had a crush on someone else?

Seriously, can it ever be genuinely for a good motive? To have "open communication" or some such?

Is this the way he generally carries on, has he always been open and honest to the point of insensitivity?

This novel writing thing: it may be very wrong of me (and thinking of the appalling Martin Amis, it's probably completely wrong) but if someone thinks they're good enough observers of human behaviour to write novels about it, that implies that they are intelligent enough to know the emotional impact of telling their DP that they fancy someone else and would do something about it if that other person was single (not if they were).

Surely someone who is clever enough (and unimpeded by his illness enough) to write a novel, would also be clever enough (and unimpeded by his illness enough) not to tell his DP he'd like to fuck someone else?

I'm back to needing to know more about the illness.

Original poster
joanofarchitrave · 27/03/2013 21:53

Oops. Missed a few. The crush - sorry, it's much less bad than it sounds. He told me so that he wasn't keeping anything from me. He has no intention of doing anything about it. It was me wishing at the time that she was single, not that I said that to him - just an expression of resentment I guess.

OP posts:
TheOrchardKeeper · 27/03/2013 21:53

^ when I said 'not great' I was underplaying it a little...He had no reason to tell her & sounds like he hasn't considered the impact of his confession.

And if he's helping out but not actually 'in' the relationship (i.e. signed out emotionally) but still taking from it then I actually disagree & think that's taking the piss.

When I clicked on this I expected the usual relationship lows that you can just ride through with a bit of TLC & perseverance...This is quite big though, & how he's acted since/in response would be the deal breaker for me.

TheOrchardKeeper · 27/03/2013 21:55

That's totally different then OP Smile

I suppose it's good he told you (though I'd rather not know).
Has he said why? Is it random or an effect of where he is in life (i.e. ill) or the state of your relationship?

if it's just 'one of those things' and you're both happy in the relationship then this can be worked throgh.

Hope you're ok Wine

CognitiveOverload · 27/03/2013 21:57

Schizophrenia as you are aware is not something inside his control. Its a neurological condition. I think seeing a psychologist would help you both to manage expectations and communication.

EggyFucker · 27/03/2013 21:57

we are at stage (2)

< sigh >

FucktidiaBollockberry · 27/03/2013 21:59

What's stage 2?

CognitiveOverload · 27/03/2013 22:00

Oh so its different now. Fgs, why don't you try listening... behaviour is not always a conscious decision. Have some empathy. Fb and ef, I hope you open your minds a little. It would make mn a more welcoming place.

TheOrchardKeeper · 27/03/2013 22:00

Sorry to hear he's got such a serious MH issue. That must be tough to handle, for both of you!

It sounds like you've got no other issues that are bothering you so if it is just this blip then that's manageable. Is he stable at the moment?

Original poster
joanofarchitrave · 27/03/2013 22:01

I would always take a crush as a warning sign. Surprise, surprise, our sex life is not brilliant (although a slight upturn recently as he's come off one particular medication) and he did relate it to that.

I do think it's a TLC and perseverence case. I need to get to the point where I want to do TLC. I guess I feel I already am. But perhaps it's one of those 'language of love' things - he doesn't see the stuff I do as expressing love, he sees love as me spending time with him. I do find it difficult to just sit and be with him. If I sit down for too long without reading or moving I just fall asleep - he can contemplate the middle distance for literally hours.

OP posts: