I don't no how to fix us anymore :(

[Twinkletwinklestars]

Here goes....

I'm probably hard to live with at times, two children in two years has worn me down a bit.
I don't have much time to give him (husband) more attention that he asks for.
I make him angry because I'm not earning money as on maternity leave besides he says I can't go back to work unless I work nights. He finds the children hard work. He is very stressed due to money.
I can't seem to keep on top of the housework very well these days. Having his t ready on time is getting harder too.
He shouts lots tells me daily that I can't do anything right, I'm an fkin idot,thick and I should not talk. I think I've just let things get really bad, he's really scared me a few times so I normally pop my head down and get on. Sometimes I shout back but I'm never right.
Then there's lovely normal times where the amazing calm man I married is. He's a good dad, nice person and gets on with ppl.
I don't no how to fix us any ideas?

Thought about that but we don't have a printer. Not sure if I'm ready to tell her that much yet. & there's more so much more. I feel guilty & the thought of him having them talk to him makes me feel so sad for him. But still I no we must go through this & I will talk to wa. I'm not backing down if anything it's reassuring me that I'm not such s bad person if I'm worried for him.

Tribpot even ifs that's true I can't let myself think that. It's to painful don't think he could be that cruel. I think he's got lost along the way. I'm accepting he may never find his way back but I'm here if he wants to. His call

I'm away fro a few days twinkle, hope you stay strong, meet the WA and SW and get out of there in good time. I will be thinking of you.

have an unmumsnet (((((((hug)))))))

Thank u foolonthehill xx

Told wa lots of what's been happening. Will do again this week as my head is all muddled still. I no he probably won't stay me nice guy forever. Taking it one day at a time just for now. Still reminding myself of all the pain.

Anyone have any experiences with a programme called adapt? If we stay together or separate I really want us to do this. I need him to no how's he's got inside my head and left fear that I can't shake away.

Sw still has not finshed her assessment which is constantly on my mind. Anyone no if it normal takes so long

When did you meet with the sw?

Over 2 wks ago

Adapt is a programme based on the Duluth (Minnesota, USA) model run by the Hampton Trust which only operates in Hants/IOW and the Channel Islands.

Should he agree to seek a place on this or any other programme designed to rehabilitate abusers, I do hope you're not having ideas about attending sessions with him should he There is no us about this programme, Twinkle.

Not with him no but they explained we would have a couple of sessions together. That I would have some support along side him. Unsure if I should mention it to him. I don't want to do it to keep us together more so he can understand how I feel.

Do you think 2weeks is a long time to wait?

Posted unedited text too soon!

Unless you live in one of the locations in which the Hampton Trust operates, you're best advised to enrol on the freedom programme which is facilitiated by Women's Aid.

As as a test of whether he has any desire to change his ways, let him source a programme such as those run by Respect or find other means by which to confront his issues.

Please be aware that programmes for perpetrators of domestic abuse/violence do not have high success rates and that no counsellor worthy of the title will offer joint counselling where one party has been subjected to physical assault by the other.

Ok

Someone else mentioned the freedom programme. Will try and find some info out about that.

I would not expect you to have any 'sessions together' until such time as he has completed a programme for abusers and has satisfied the organisers that he has seen the error of his ways.

If it's proposed these sessions take place prior to his attendance on any such course, I would suggest enrol on a WA freedom programme, and leave him to source his own programmes/courses.

I strongly advise you not to mention any of this to him until such time as you've heard from the sw.

As your WA worker when the next freedom programme is due to be held.

Ok thanks

I wondered if I could show the sw that were trying & realise there is a problem it may help.

Unless you've left something out, he's not trying, is he?

He may be in 'nice' mode at the moment but this could be solely down to him being worried that you've speaking to 'someone' about his behaviour.

It's in your best interests to keep it that way as there's no telling how he might react if you reveal you've been talking to a sw about his abusive ways.

Get everything on record with WA and either get back to the sw and be completely honest with her or authorise your WA worker to put her in the picture, before you give any consideration to letting on to the twunt that his days of abusing you are over.

Can't beleive he found one of the bits of paper I had wrote on about us. Was in the bin, the outside bin due to be emptied just before he found it.
He kept reading it out to me, I got so upset & said to him now do you realise how you have hurt me.
He threaten to leave, I told him to go where's I normally cry to him to stay.
I said I had seen a counsellor didn't no what else to say. That's why I had wrote all these things down. Getting harder to not blurt out the truth I very nearly did as he was so upset. Also im feeling so on edge. He's still helping heaps. He's like a different person.

You're feeling on edge because you know he won't be able to keep his 'different person' act up for long - the pressure of playing this role is building up in him and he'll blow sooner or later.

Have you got a meeting planned with your WA worker this week?

The sw making me feel on edge wish she would get back to me.

I really thought he would be angry about the fact I've been talking. He wasn't such a relief. Didn't feel like I was on eggshells today. He even said how he feels we really are working things out. He's been so sweet. He wants us to get some help

Oh ...Mr nice still going strong then? Glad for you but please don;t get sucked in by it...you know he could have acted like this all along don;t you?...he just chose not to.

Glad you are still thinking and posting Twinkle.

Have you read Lundy bancroft "Why does he do that?" yet?
and the Freedom Programme is a good idea, and the group will likely be very supportive.

'He wants us to get some help'

Please see above. If he's got any intention of changing his ways, he will seek help for himself and, until he has completed a programme for abusers, you are best advised not to attend any joint sessions of counselling or any other 'therapy' with him.

Will have a look at the book thanks foolonthehill.

I guess he's never really seemed like he would change before. Guess he's surprised me.

Why should I not attend with him? I don't think he will go on his own

He hasn't changed, Twinkle.

Please read fool's response (above). This apparent 'change' into what he could have been all along is what an abuser does when they fear their victim may escape them.

As soon as he's suckered you back in and he's cut you off from sources of independent support and advice, he'll abuse you again - and he'll also be looking to punish you for having had, albeit briefly, the upper hand.

If he is genuinely sincere about changing his ways, he will seek help for his issues by himself without any prompting or assistance from you.

As has been said before, joint counselling is NOT recommended where one party has physically abused the other as a joint session may trigger further violence on the part of the abuser.

In joint counselling he will most likely twist it round to make you feel like you are the one at fault...it is a way of pushing you back into your obedient box..very confusing and very difficult to handle.

It's no good H being Mr Nice if he does not acknowledge what he was previously doing wrong (in detail and without you prompting him) apologising and dealing with it properly for himself.

Once again I remind you...you are only responsible for your own behaviour and actions...you are not responsible or able to change anyone else's, least of all your H. Don't be fed the lie that you have the power to make him act in any way that he does not want to...you are not that powerful!

Beware...he will use his "nice" against you as a bargaining chip...look what I am doing, what are you doing to improve/change/make us work.

I've just told him and wish I hadn't.

I had to as the sw wants to speak to him tomorrow. Don't no what to say to him about it. He's going to no I've said something

He wants to talk tonight I dont no what to say. Don't think I can hide the fact that I've spoken to them. Unsure if I should have the dc here tonight. May ask a friend to look after them.