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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Surrounded by alpha mums and scared witless!

68 replies

TheArchangel · 09/05/2006 16:37

Hi everyone I'm new to MN (although I have been lurking for about two weeks and loving the discussions!) and I'm also relatively new to the village I live in.

I have a bit of a confidence problem and would love to hear some advice from you sound mums who may have been in this situation themselves once...

The village that I live in is beautiful, affluent and very sought-after. The schools are excellent, the scenery fabulous and the community as a whole very friendly. So I'm not exactly depressed, in fact every day I wake up and thank God that I live here - I feel very lucky indeed.

The thing is, the mums here are mainly SAHMs (like me) but also they seem quite competitive. Whenever I leave the local toddler group I feel slightly 'trampled' over by their strong personalities and always feel a bit naive and gauche (I'm over ten years younger than a lot of them) and as if I have little to say or offer. Don't get me wrong, most of them are nice and when on their own easy and lovely to talk to. But I often feel that I'm hanging on the edge of the groups and often with no one to talk to.

DH says that perhaps I may give off the wrong message - perhaps my shyness looks like sniffiness - and the fact I used to be a model (although none of the mums actually know this - it's not something I tell people quickly!) probably doesn't help matters. I do try so hard though to be friendly and to get involved with local events but I still seem to be the last to hear of them!!

I'm sure to some of you I'm coming across as pathetic as there are others out there with considerably worse problems than this, in fact I don't even see this as a problem but I could really do with some advice as to what I can do to break the ice a little more. One woman I know (more mumsy and older than me) seems to have got right in there with all of them but apart from a complete body and personality transplant I don't know what else I can do.

Please don't laugh at this post, I haven't opened myself out like this for ages other than to DH and I'm feeling a bit sick over sending this!

OP posts:
Fimbo · 09/05/2006 16:38

Are you happy to reveal where you live? Perhaps you could meet up with other mumsnetters?

starlover · 09/05/2006 16:40

hi!
I kind of know where you're coming from... i am much younger than most of the other mums i meet at toddler groups too and it does feel awkward. it's almost like people assume that because you're young you either won't want to talk to them or don't have anything to offer.

I think that you just have to persevere. Keep going, keep talking to them and you WILL get there eventually.

It's a bit like mumsnet... you have to keep posting and talk about anything and everything until people really get to know you!

Twiglett · 09/05/2006 16:42

divide and conquer ... groups don't form without people knowing others as individuals .. if you get on with some of them on a one to one basis then make friendships and gradually before you know it you'll be one of the group

you're new on the scene .. what else can you expect .. you aren't going to suddenly be the centre of everything ... do it slowly and stay nice

this is going to sound harsh .. but I mean it as a gentle word of caution and advice ... I apologise in advance if you take offence ... I think you need to get the 'I'm a model' even if 'ex-model' vibe under control though because if you come off in real-life the way the latter part of your post comes off in writing you'll find it more difficult

CountessDracula · 09/05/2006 16:42

Archangel I should imagine that it will just take a bit of time, especially as you are much younger than them. I think confidence does come with age to some extent. However, I think that they are probably feeling the same too, no-one is ever as confident as they appear IME!

noddyholder · 09/05/2006 16:43

Why does the fact you used to be a model not help matters?

Original poster
TheArchangel · 09/05/2006 16:52

Thanks for all your advice - I'm rushing in between sorting out the kids and reading this!

Erm, noddy the 'model thing not helping' is just something DH and my mum have said. TBH, I wouldn't normally think twice about it but they've made me wonder if it alienates people a bit. A couple of the mums have made remarks about my appearance in a jokey 'you bitch' kind of way and while I laugh it off (cringing deep down!) it has made me wonder if there's an element of envy there. I hope to God there isn't and I know this sounds totally big headed but I have to admit it's crossed my mind!

OP posts:
robin3 · 09/05/2006 16:55

Agree with the Countess. I've been told by neighbours that I'm intimidating because I'm a working Mum but inside I feel as if all the other Mums in the park or wherever, have a community that I'm not a part of.

What I'm trying to say is that lots of people feel different for one reason or another...as you say you're young and clearly attractive but the people who all get along, get along because they don't stop to worry about what people think. My Mum is one of those people and she just gets on with it. Nice people will not reject you if you are friendly and approachable.

Good luck.

runtus · 09/05/2006 16:57

Not quite the same situation as I live in a town but pretty much know where you are coming from with trying to break into an established group. 4 years ago we moved to my DP's home town and I have had to 'integrate' myself in a group of established friends that; grew up together, went to schoiol together, have never lived anywhere else and now have kids that are friends. Was a bit daunting I can tell you! I have a couple of words of advice though:

I agree with the divide and conquer attitude, people are far harder to get to know as a group than as individuals, as they will probably have known each other for an age and have loads to talk about. Think about the group of mums there and try and form a bond with one or two of the individuals, rather than the group as a whole. Maybe invite one out for the afternoon or have a couple over for lunch one day and see how you get on? If they don't seem like your people, try some others until you find the right one....

As the 'newbie' you need to make the effort to get to know them, as they already know each other and have no need to make new friends.......it's hard but will be worth it in the end and lets face it, they probably won't even notice you are 'trying' to do anything. They will just take it as a nice lunch or an afternoon out with the kids.

Most of all, don't expect to like and get on with everyone. You won't and you probably shouldn't............groups of people are complex, ever changing things and just becuase it is a small village that will be no different. In fact, the polictics are probably worse than in a big town! Some you will like and some you will hate but take your time and let that come naturally.........you don't have to like and be liked by everyone!

Hope it helps.

runtus · 09/05/2006 16:59

Oh and as for the being put off becuase you are young and attractive - do you want peopl that judge you on your looks alone as friends anyway?

You don't sound like you would to me, so leave them to thier own devices and concentrate on getting to know the nice ones.........as someone else said "nice people won't reject you".

Carmenere · 09/05/2006 16:59

I used to be a model archangel but you wouldn't guess now! I've put on about 3 stone Shock There is a possibility that as you are confident about how you look you may come accross as a bit aloof. Just persevere as everyone is saying and you will be ok, it takes a long while to truely settle in in a new area. Wellcome to mumsnet btw Grin

Enid · 09/05/2006 17:01

I live somewhere that sounds similar - I always found the toddler groups are utterly hellish

get a part time job or wait till your ds/dd starts proper school or nursery would be my advice - it took me five years to make any really fab friends

I didn't use to be a model but obv am naturally gorgeous anyway Grin

katierocket · 09/05/2006 17:04

Have you read 'May COntain Nuts' by John Farrell? Do read it - it's veryfunny and is about competitive, 'uber' mums, it will definitely give you some light relief. You sound very normal and down to earth and I think you should just perserve with making friends. It is really hard when other mums know each other but it will improve over time.

Original poster
TheArchangel · 09/05/2006 17:06

Thank you all so, so much for your comments and advice... priceless and really reassuring too! Smile am reading and re-reading them as this advice is just what I need!

Wish I'd found you all sooner!

OP posts:
Northerner · 09/05/2006 17:12

Hi Archangel and welcom eto Mumsnet Smile

Think Twiglett wa sbeing a bit harsh on you tbh about the model statement. I totally understand why you said that. Being attractive, slim etc does make adifference to how other mums perceive you (partucularly fleece and trainer brigade Wink I have encountered this before and I'm not even a model (just gorgeous) Grin Som ewomen take an instant dislike to younger, trendier Mums, and some of them maybe envious or even intimidated. But friendships don't happen overnight, so just percivere, be nice and friendly and attend all local community fetes and things and I'm sure things will get better.

Are there any Mums there who you feel you have something in comon with or could be good friends with?

Northerner · 09/05/2006 17:12

Shock at spelling in my last post.

Twiglett · 09/05/2006 17:17

I think anyone who gives a toss what you look like probably isn't worth having as a friend

and I also think (which is probably why I came over as harsh) that it works both ways .. people don't hate you because you're beautiful, people dislike you because you act like you're more beautiful than them

I like attractive people as much as the next guy .. I'm as gorgeous as any of you (I'll show you the notches on my bedpost if you like Wink) .. but its the big-head that'll catch you out every time .. especially when faced with fatter, older women .. who are most probably like that because they just don't give a damn

I said I was being harsh .. but that's what is behind it .. and I'll stick to it

MrsBadger · 09/05/2006 17:17

...or, if you can't pinpoint one mum you think you'd get on with, is there a child in the toddler group you think your child particularly likes?
Then you have an easy 'in' - 'Oh, look how much they love playing together... we should get them together one afternoon...', and then you have one mum in your house, on your turf, away from the pack - much less intimidating! Wink

And if they're all old hands and you can bear it, you can always flatter them by asking their advice on things (this is a minefield as MN shows!).
Turns the worry that you look pathetic into an ego-boost for them, and everyone likes an ego-boost...

sobernow · 09/05/2006 17:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Twiglett · 09/05/2006 17:18

when I say 'you' it is of course the generic form of 'you' and not pointed at anyone in particular

I originally said 'one' but it sounded too complicated

Original poster
TheArchangel · 09/05/2006 17:18

Northerner Shock at fleece and trainers brigade!!!

You have confirmed my suspicions about perception of appearance, thank you. While it saddens me a little it also makes me feel a little less crazy for considering it in the first place, iykwim.

OP posts:
Northerner · 09/05/2006 17:20

Twiglett - how on earth does anyone act more beautiful than anyon else?!!!

You either are or you aren't. No one can act being beautiful, can they?!!!!

Twiglett · 09/05/2006 17:23

there's a difference between confidence and vanity .. that's all I'm saying

and this is not a conversation about you at all .. its veered off in my mind ...

Northerner · 09/05/2006 17:23

I know it's not about me, I was simply asking a question that's all.

Original poster
TheArchangel · 09/05/2006 17:24

Twiglett I usually turn up at groups wearing scruffy trainers and minimal make up - far less glam than some of the ladies there. I really try v hard not to come across as aloof and the fact none of them know i was a model shows that i don't exactly wear my past like a badge!

OP posts:
Twiglett · 09/05/2006 17:24

I went to a fashion show at another school last year .. the models were the mums .. there were 3 skinny, yummy-mummies and one exceedingly large OTT lady who was patently having a ball acting out a childhood fantasy ..

she was the most beautiful thing I'd seen in a while ... and made me feel fabulous watching her Grin

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